April 17, 2008 - 02:47
After many, many years of searching, I had found myself. I was even starting to really like who I had found. Lately, I have begun to realise that I had lost myself again ... Is that possible? Had I actually found myself before in the first place? I thought I had. I would have sworn on it. So how did I lose myself again so easily?
I mean, how pathetic is that?
I looked everywhere once I realised that I had been lost again. Found lots of dust ... so I must have been gone for a while. After a week of frustrated searching in shuttered, dusty areas, I remembered that when lost, you are supposed to stay in one place so that it's easier for you to be found.
That lasted for a few hours ... I just can't sit still that long. Besides, how can I find myself again if I don't look? I can't do that standing still.
I blame myself for allowing this to happen. I walked into this aching void with my eyes open ... mostly. They were, I admit, partly blinded by hope. Beware of being hit by Reality, Readers ... it's bloody solid. The bruise(es) will last for a very long time. I don't know about you, but I have a tendency to prod those bruises ... making them hurt again as a sort of punishment for my willful transgressions. My stupidity. My audacity for thinking that things would be different for me and mine. Hubris, I guess ...
If the opportunity presented itself (translation - substantial inheritance or winning the lottery) I would move on to bigger and better things and leave the nasty stuff behind. I would start anew and find myself again in calmer, more peaceful surroundings.
I had recently said that "I don't want to leave now. I can't. I finally made friends with the trees!" But deep down I know that I'm just a flash in the pan for them and I can make friends with my surroundings no matter where I finally settle. It's PEOPLE that I have problems with. Always have. Makes being a hermit look good ... except that I've never heard of a female hermit before ... lone females are always hags, witches, or some other strange thing. Even that fits me ... it's a rare few that see me as I am and not as they want, or expect, to find.
I'm making a renewed attempt at my business. I've been letting it slump while I've been working my town job. While a night shift makes my schedule tighter than a day job, there's no real excuse for my lapse. Well, depression is an excuse, but I don't know that it's a good one. So! I'm going to work on expanding my comfort zone and becoming more at ease with the necessary business tools. Like the phone ... *sigh*
Wedding plans are doing okay. I'm going to sit down and work things out this weekend and get started on things. Like renting the hall and getting started on invites.
Life goes on ... I just wish that it wouldn't drag through the mud so much.
No, really ... the cleaning bills are becoming ridiculous!
Sweet Dreams!
