Send In the Clowns

December 29, 2011 - 23:20

Happy Birthday, Campbell ... It's been 17years and I still miss you. Love you lots. XOXO ...

Mood: Calm, but restless. On the verge of sad, but I've been fighting it off fairly well so far.
Music: Time After Time ~ Cyndi Lauper
Thought for the Day: No matter how prepared you think you are, there's always something you weren't expecting.

     I feel like I'm standing at a fork in the road, and don't know what direction I'm going in yet. At the same time, I'm restless about it because I want to hurry past this decision. I just want to get past it so that I can move forward! Mom is still talking about going back to BC. In fact, it looks like she'll have a place to stay. All she needs now is the job ... and the money to go. I had advised her to stay here for another year and save up the funds she needs instead of rushing back to BC on borrowed money. It was sensible advice and she was ready to take it, especially as she thinks she's leaving me in the lurch. Apparently, I'm not able to take care of myself. *rolls eyes*

     I got my friend back. Thank you, FB. Although I probably would have e-mailed her eventually, FB provided me with tid-bits ... bread crumbs ... shiny stones ... Reese's Pieces, even. Heyla, Lynne. I've miss you so much!

     It's nice to see that things seem to be going so well for her. Makes me feel like I have failed somehow, although I think I'm doing okay. some days I look at what my friends are doing and the things they are accomplishing for themselves and I feel like I'm just standing still. I know I'm not. I know I've accomplished many things and I'm in a decent place in life ... I just look at my friends and I see where I want to be. *sigh*

     Nothin' doin', hen ... that way madness lies. I'm not going down that depressing road. I know what I've accomplished, what I've done and where I'm going next. I'm going to just concentrate on that. I've got a place in this life ... I just have to decide what it is! Preferably before I die ...

Maybe I should make a Bucket List.

     Speaking of lists, I want to go over my resolutions for 2012. It seems like a cheat to just keep last year's list. I should have something new on there. Let's see ...


Resolutions for 2012

• Continue to upgrade my wardrobe. I plan on weeding out the older shirts, and replacing them with nicer tops. This upgrade will also include a nice place to store my jewellery. I can't keep my pendants on a horse shoe forever.
• Continue to build up my financial comfort. I have a solid plan in place. Work it! In addition, work on having a nest egg ready for emergencies/spontaneous vacation escapes.
• Continue to slim down and make smart meal choices. The challenge is that Mom isn't always on board.
• Still looking for a loving commitment.
• Happiness ... I think it's still waiting for me. I will find it.

What do I need to add? How about ...

• Working on improving my business so that it becomes a reliable source of income instead of just a draining hobby. This will mean working on my fears and expanding my comfort zone. If I can't do this, then I should decide that an put it firmly aside instead of "beating a dead horse".
• Learn something new ... even if it's just an upgrade.
• Use the new appointment calendar to learn to manage your time better.

     I like the last one. I've already given up those time sucking games on FB. It will take some getting used to, but I'm sure I'll find a way to fill the time with proper hobbies again. Writing is still a muse that calls to me, and my plastic canvas is patiently waiting. As are my books on how to crochet and knit. I've given up on cross stitch. I don't know that I'll ever learn. :) I should be back in school too (again) and learning something computer-ish. Problem is, I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.

     Anyway, I've got to go over my budget and plan on how to save every penny I've got coming in for the next month, because if Mom decides to actually go now, instead of next year, things are going to be tight. Not sure what I'm looking forward to ... the ability to save a nest egg for another year, or having my own space again.

OMG, Spot's nose is COLD!

So much going through my head right now ... it won't settle on anything. I keep finding it wandering ... only touching on things briefly. Well, if I can't focus, then I shall end the entry here. No point staring at it when somebody else could be reading it.

Hopefully, it will be better later.

Sweet Dreams!

Shades of Grey

(aka - The Aliens Have Blocked the Sun and Stolen the SNOW!!)
December 22, 2011 - 09:09 (Yes, you read that correctly.)

Mood: Recuperating, Restless
Music: Indiana Wants Me ~ R. Dean Taylor
Thought for the Day: You got to where you are because of decisions you made. If you don't like where you are, make better decisions.

Zodiac: The Moon enters your Zodiacal house of relationships today, Gemini, but that is only one of the many astrological events happening on this busy day. First of all, the Winter Solstice chart shows that this will be a complicated but happy season for you; be careful not to put too many irons in the fire or you'll get burned trying to handle them all. It's also important that you don't change any dates or appointments with your partner either; if something interferes with your quality time, make your partner your top priority.

Compatibility: Aries
Mood: Exhausted
Your Daily Lucky Color: Purple
Lucky Number: 25
Lucky Time of Day: 7pm

BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Make My partner my top priority ... Hmmm ... On one hand, that's like telling me to breathe. On the other, why am I the one doing all the work? When will I be the priority?

Don't get me wrong. I'm happy to do things for people. I like doing things for people, but I've been doing things for others without a break for a very long time now and I'd like to do a few things for myself for a little while. It's healthy, dammit. Of course, this won't really be achievable until I get my own place. (Make it easier to date too.) Mom's still trying to find a job and she's not thrilled about the idea of moving to a new place on her own. She keeps trying to convince me that everything will be easier with two of us. ... No. Not really. I actually find things more difficult. Sure the money's easier, and I have a car, but frankly, I'll take the trade. So, barring her finding a job somewhere else, I'm going to renew our current lease for one more year. (Which is also nice because address changes suck.)

Sounding a bit bitter today, I suppose. Trying to get over a sinus infection. Easier to call it a head cold, but I'm not sick. Somebody over-did it with the scented spray in the bathroom at work, and annoying as that was, the burning it caused my nose made for a fun evening. Tasted terrible too. I didn't think to much of it ... until I woke up the next morning with a sore throat and marathon nose. the throat, I was able to deal with, but the runny nose ... that took a bit more. Anyway, to spare you the ranty details, it's been four days and two migraines later. Still running, but getting easier to sleep, so hopefully it wont be long now. for those that don't know, I don;t get sick often, but I get very grumpy when I do. Stupidly inconvenient.

My building, instead of fixing problems it already has been putting off, has put out the word about it's newest upgrade! A guest suite! ... that might come in handy later, but it just seems so stupid to me at the moment. Especially as it's in the other tower. If I have guests, I'm not putting them up in another building. AND ... there's only one suite. In a two tower building. Dorks. 

So ... Anonymous asked about my resolutions. The ones that I made last year. Well, let's check it out. Here's what I had written in January.

My 2011 Resolutions ...

1. To get a handle on my T-shirt addiction, and improve my wardrobe. I'm going to try and get away from the full time jeans/t-shirt look.
2. I'm going to be financially stable, if not comfortable. (Independently wealthy would be nice, but ... baby steps ... baby steps ...)
3. Lose weight/tone up/be a little healthier
4. Find Love. That Somebody who wants Me and wants me to want Him back.
5. Be Happy.

That's pretty much it. If I can only find a smidgen of each, I'll consider myself well off.

... and here's update.

1. The T-shirt Addiction. 

YES. There are still some great shirts out there, but I have not purchased any new t-shirts for myself this year. At all. I'm focusing more on nicer tops. More along the lines of office wear. That's my new casual. I'm not refusing to wear T-shirts again though. I've just limited myself to ones with scoop or v-necks. Girly. ;) I've also rediscovered jewellery. Can't really wear that with a t-shirt. Phase 1 complete.

2.Finances.

YES! Not only am I basically debt free, but my get rich slowly scheme is working very nicely. I'm already 1/3 of the way to my second year goal. AND it's set up to give me a nice bonus every December. By the end of 2012, I will have my student loan completely paid off. THAT will be very nice. Might even celebrate by increasing my get rich slowly payments. It could happen. Phase 1 complete.

3. 3'n'1 Health

Yes, but it's a bit wobbly. I'm eating a bit better, but with certain circumstances going on, I fell off the wagon a bit. Still, I know the plan, and I've already made re-progress. (Well, it's a word now.) It won't take much to get back to where I should be. Just a bit of effort and some re-established consistency. Phase 1 almost completed. Re-initiating.

4. Love. 

... Maybe next year. Re-boot required.

5. Happiness

Not yet. But I'm not giving up either. Maybe when I get my own place. Maybe when I get #4. Error. System crash.

Know what? Three out of five ain't bad. So, that leaves me to wonder about this year's resolutions.

Resolutions for 2012

1. Continue to upgrade my wardrobe. I plan on weeding out the older shirts, and replacing them with nicer tops. This upgrade will also include a nice place to store my jewellery. I can't keep my pendants on a horse shoe forever. 
2. Continue to build up my financial comfort. I have a solid plan in place. Work it! In addition, work on having a nest egg ready for emergencies/spontaneous vacation escapes.
3. Continue to slim down and make smart meal choices. The challenge is that Mom isn't always on board.
4. Still looking for a loving commitment.
5. Happiness ... I think it's still waiting for me. I will find it.

Found a quote that ties in with my thought for the day. "It's not what happens to us, it's what we choose to do about what happens that makes the difference in how our lives turn out." ~ Jim Rohn

Of course, there's also "If you don't like it, fix it or get out." ~ spoken by somebody who, I sure has a nickname here, but I can't think of it right now.

Well, Mom has gone out, so I'm off to try and wrap my gifts. Few as they are, I wonder if there is enough wrapping paper. No ... but I COULD cover the one box with bows. Hokey Stinkmore! Just about the entire storage container is BOWS. ... If she attempts to save the used ones, I will have to smack her. 

Sweet Dreams!

The Aliens Have Brought Me Back to the Beginning

December 4, 2011 - 03:21


Mood: Introspective
Music: Will find You ~ Clannad
Thought for the Day: What you do today has no effect on the past. Your choices today create choices and opportunities along your path. Face forward and move toward them.

     Have you ever noticed how you don;t need your dictionary until you've buried it? *sigh* I'm such a dork. Still, you know what they say about a clean desk.

     I've been meaning to write for a while now. Actually, I really need to learn to keep paper around me like I used to ... so many lovely little passages have been lost forever from my head. Nice to know it's all coming back. And in a way sad ... since the secret ingredients to my writing seems to be isolation and loneliness with alternating happy and depressed moments. Damn roller coasters. Never been a big fan of them. Too many people falling off.

     Well, it's been a year, almost, since I moved into this apartment to help take care of Mom as she adjusted to widowhood. (Shush, it's a word now!) I'm fence sitting for the moment as I wait to see what will happen next. On one hand, I need my own space (I think I've whined about that already.) On the other, one more year, barring any personal disasters, will put me back into comfortable financial security ... I've written out the budget, assuming we stay in the apartment and it looks fairly good. I could even get my student loan paid off in the next year with an extra payment, or two. Then I would truly be debt free. (I don't consider my credit cards to be debt as the balance fluctuates and I have the payments well under control.)

     I have two songs in my heart ... "My Immortal" by Evanesance, and "What If" by Kate Winslet. The lyrics haunt me. Yes, I feel a writing session coming on. Perhaps I will finally finish or continue some old projects, or even start new ones. This would be great. No, that doesn't begin to describe the relief that the idea brings. I've missed my writing. Sometimes I think that I'm floating through existence and I'm not actually alive unless I am writing  or making love. there are, of course, rare exceptions to this. Aren't there always? This IS me that we're speaking of. "I'm the Only One" by Melissa Etheridge pops up now and then, but my ... rebel moments ... are few an far between lately. I'm so tired. I'm having trouble finding the energy to maintain the blaze. Instead, I have been stubbornly safeguarding the spark ... but the glow sometimes grows dim and I wonder why I bother. Some encouragement would be nice. Something to fuel the hope. From an outside source. Hard to find lately ... despite claims that it's always there. Bah. Games. Foolish ...

     Whoops, I added to the song list ... *sigh*

     Yes, I'm a little depressed. Well, that tends to happen when I get tired and feel strained. I've got a bit of time off work to refresh myself. Not a lot of time, but better than nothing. It's not going to go away any time soon. It's part of the mental scar tissue, and that's been there for decades. As much as I wish I could go back to my happy days, I also realise that those days were lived in a constructed bubble ... a personal world that would be impossible to re-enter. Still ...

    Still, I am as close to my old self as I have been in years. I recognise the life that I had and the person that I was in it as the person who is looking at me in the mirror now-a-days. Older, and more experienced, maybe a bit more worn, but the same. I think I will be alright ... barring any personal disasters. :) No more backsliding. No more barrel bottoms. I feel like I have a solid footing within my life and the only direction I'm going is UP! (Said with strength and conviction, not spunky cheer. Somehow, to me, this makes it seem more realistic and believable. Intense sincerity? Perhaps.)

    Purchased my MP3 player and I have no more excuses to avoid getting back to my workouts. I fell off the wagon, so to speak, just over a month ago, but I'm sure that I will have no trouble getting things back to where they were. It would be easier if I lived alone, but I'll manage.

   Well, I think it's time to hit the sack with a bit of reading, and then to sleep. Been getting to bed later and later lately, and it's getting harder to wake up at a decent time. Sadly, this IS the time of day when I usually do my best writing. LOL! Well, maybe that can work too, eventually. I'm not as young as I used to be though.

     One thing that has been surprising me lately is people making statements in regards to my character/personality. Like they know me. Some of the statements, are off the rock and I know that I am being mocked, but other times, somebody makes a comment that makes me wonder if I'm as closed off as I've been accused of, or if they are just being very observant. Or maybe, it's just a lucky, flippant remark. Hard to say.

     Speaking of people who know me ... You jerk! If you don't open up to me soon and let me into your life, then I'm going to assume that you are clutching me like a security blanket. Security blankets are temporary devices, no matter how loved. Stop playing with my brain, and my heart, and decide what you want already. I'm ready to go either way. The smallest nudge will push me into landing on a side ... and I'd rather it would land me by yours. Stupid. What are you afraid of? Hypocrite!

     Looking forward to getting some shopping done. Especially the Secret Santa at work. No presents last year at all :( so this year will be exciting for me, even with Mom trying to drag me down. Not gonna let her. It's time to start living again ... and I'm starting right NOW!

Sweet Dreams!