(aka And the Aliens Bowed Their Heads in Silence)
October 20, 2012 - 23:44
Mood: Tired, a little somber, yet determined
Music: My Immortal ~ Evanescence
Thought for the Day: Sometimes, you have to give up on the dream. Sometimes, you have to wake up and see if reality can be even better than the dream you fought so hard for ... and let it create a new dream.
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
[Chorus:]
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
[Chorus]
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along
[Chorus]
I love you. Be well, be safe, be happy ... Good bye.
Sweet Dreams
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Monday, October 08, 2012
Happy Thanksgiving
October 8, 2012 - 14:09
Mood: Depressed, Disappointed
Music: Picard's Flute Solo
Thought for the Day: Making others happy usually means making a sacrifice. Beware those who don't realise that they need you for that happiness to happen.
Happy Thanksgiving, Readers! Hope you are surrounded by good food and people who appreciate you and that you are thankful for both ...
Being depressed is like wearing a thick blanket that been soaked. You know you should take it off, but you've convinced yourself that you're actually warm and comfortable and you don't want to experience the short bit of cold in order to feel true warmth and safety.
A couple of weeks ago, I was utterly depressed. I thought it was just one of my low swings, hormones, etc ... but I was shocked, one day, when I was getting ready for work and I found myself thinking that I didn't want to go to work, that I should just go into the other room and kill myself. I was so shocked by that thought that my joints froze - which was good, because the thought was followed by a pretty strong impulse.
Don't panic. I'm here, aren't I?
This thought frightened me. It didn't feel like mine. I was stressed and unhappy, and, I admit, feeling a bit trapped, but I've never wanted to hurt myself, or others around me, by doing something stupid like that. Suicide is a choice, but it's also a trick. An illusion. And I'm never going to fall for it.
Anyway, I put myself on a "watch" and made myself tell three people. One still checks on me almost daily. One eyeballs me occasionally at work. Took me three days to laugh ... but I got a bit better, and even rallied to make things work. Got out, and tried new things, and accepted help from others.
It was yesterday that slammed me back in the role of feeling lonely and worthless.
Joyce picked me up from the 24 Hour Comic Challenge, and I was looking forward to a good long sleep (8 hours exactly. I rarely sleep longer.) and then waking up to have a Thanksgiving dinner with her. I've been looking forward to this dinner for weeks. I thought Mom was on board with this too, as she even asked me what kind of pie I wanted. There's four boxes of stuffing in the cupboard, for crying out loud! Anyway, she dropped me off because she was going to visit some friends. That was fine - quieter with just the cats and I having a nap alone. But I looked at her as I grabbed my stuff and said, "But you'll be home for supper, right?"
"What?"
"We're having Thanksgiving tonight, aren't we?"
"No. I'm having Thanksgiving tomorrow."
I was crushed. If I'd known she was going to pull this, I would have accepted the offers of dinner I had received and enjoyed myself. Devastated, I went to bed ...
When I woke up, with both cats, as predicted, I thought maybe she'd realised that I'd been hurt. And we were going to have something for supper together after all.
Nope. I checked the kitchen. Cold and dark, the fridge full of Tomorrow's fare. I went into the office. There she was, gaming away ... what does she say first? She remarked on how loud my breathing was while I slept - said she couldn't figure out what the noise was. I didn't want to be told I snored (who does?) so I turned around and made myself something to eat. Mom figured I was "still mad" from this morning (apparently, I'm always "mad") and retreated to her room to hide.
So, I had my Thanksgiving dinner with my loved ones ... Ashley and I had Kraft dinner, and Spot and Simon got a chicken/turkey blend soft food. Ashley made her happy baby noises as she commented on dinner ... with her mouth full as usual. After dinner, I cleaned up, and watched some of the saved episodes on TV. I'm now caught up on NCIS, and NCIS: LA ... Tonight, after work, I'll catch up on the others.
I'm trying to not spend as much time on Facebook ... I think it's a time stealer in the worst way.
I still haven't forgiven Mom. I won't until she apologises sincerely ... but she won't. She doesn't understand. That's what really hurts. She doesn't understand the wrong, or the hurt, she's inflicted. She keeps trying to do her usual trick of Just Not Mentioning It ... but I won't let her. I'm hurt and angry, and I don't want to hear about her escape plans for yet another job application in Scotland.
She's on her own. The lease on the apartment is up in January ... whether I get that new job or not, I'm moving out. January can't come fast enough. Time to live my own life for me and make what I can of it. I will be successful and happy, because that's my goal. And I will not leave my friends out in the cold either ... not even when I move away for my other job. There are people out there who WANT to spend time with me. They've accepted me as I am and want to see more ... Those are the people that will stay in my life for as long as they want to. And I will happily welcome them.
I'm getting out from under this wet blanket. I have what I need ... I can make the rest. I will survive ... no, I will do more than that ... I will Live!
Sweet Dreams!
Mood: Depressed, Disappointed
Music: Picard's Flute Solo
Thought for the Day: Making others happy usually means making a sacrifice. Beware those who don't realise that they need you for that happiness to happen.
Happy Thanksgiving, Readers! Hope you are surrounded by good food and people who appreciate you and that you are thankful for both ...
Being depressed is like wearing a thick blanket that been soaked. You know you should take it off, but you've convinced yourself that you're actually warm and comfortable and you don't want to experience the short bit of cold in order to feel true warmth and safety.
A couple of weeks ago, I was utterly depressed. I thought it was just one of my low swings, hormones, etc ... but I was shocked, one day, when I was getting ready for work and I found myself thinking that I didn't want to go to work, that I should just go into the other room and kill myself. I was so shocked by that thought that my joints froze - which was good, because the thought was followed by a pretty strong impulse.
Don't panic. I'm here, aren't I?
This thought frightened me. It didn't feel like mine. I was stressed and unhappy, and, I admit, feeling a bit trapped, but I've never wanted to hurt myself, or others around me, by doing something stupid like that. Suicide is a choice, but it's also a trick. An illusion. And I'm never going to fall for it.
Anyway, I put myself on a "watch" and made myself tell three people. One still checks on me almost daily. One eyeballs me occasionally at work. Took me three days to laugh ... but I got a bit better, and even rallied to make things work. Got out, and tried new things, and accepted help from others.
It was yesterday that slammed me back in the role of feeling lonely and worthless.
Joyce picked me up from the 24 Hour Comic Challenge, and I was looking forward to a good long sleep (8 hours exactly. I rarely sleep longer.) and then waking up to have a Thanksgiving dinner with her. I've been looking forward to this dinner for weeks. I thought Mom was on board with this too, as she even asked me what kind of pie I wanted. There's four boxes of stuffing in the cupboard, for crying out loud! Anyway, she dropped me off because she was going to visit some friends. That was fine - quieter with just the cats and I having a nap alone. But I looked at her as I grabbed my stuff and said, "But you'll be home for supper, right?"
"What?"
"We're having Thanksgiving tonight, aren't we?"
"No. I'm having Thanksgiving tomorrow."
I was crushed. If I'd known she was going to pull this, I would have accepted the offers of dinner I had received and enjoyed myself. Devastated, I went to bed ...
When I woke up, with both cats, as predicted, I thought maybe she'd realised that I'd been hurt. And we were going to have something for supper together after all.
Nope. I checked the kitchen. Cold and dark, the fridge full of Tomorrow's fare. I went into the office. There she was, gaming away ... what does she say first? She remarked on how loud my breathing was while I slept - said she couldn't figure out what the noise was. I didn't want to be told I snored (who does?) so I turned around and made myself something to eat. Mom figured I was "still mad" from this morning (apparently, I'm always "mad") and retreated to her room to hide.
So, I had my Thanksgiving dinner with my loved ones ... Ashley and I had Kraft dinner, and Spot and Simon got a chicken/turkey blend soft food. Ashley made her happy baby noises as she commented on dinner ... with her mouth full as usual. After dinner, I cleaned up, and watched some of the saved episodes on TV. I'm now caught up on NCIS, and NCIS: LA ... Tonight, after work, I'll catch up on the others.
I'm trying to not spend as much time on Facebook ... I think it's a time stealer in the worst way.
I still haven't forgiven Mom. I won't until she apologises sincerely ... but she won't. She doesn't understand. That's what really hurts. She doesn't understand the wrong, or the hurt, she's inflicted. She keeps trying to do her usual trick of Just Not Mentioning It ... but I won't let her. I'm hurt and angry, and I don't want to hear about her escape plans for yet another job application in Scotland.
She's on her own. The lease on the apartment is up in January ... whether I get that new job or not, I'm moving out. January can't come fast enough. Time to live my own life for me and make what I can of it. I will be successful and happy, because that's my goal. And I will not leave my friends out in the cold either ... not even when I move away for my other job. There are people out there who WANT to spend time with me. They've accepted me as I am and want to see more ... Those are the people that will stay in my life for as long as they want to. And I will happily welcome them.
I'm getting out from under this wet blanket. I have what I need ... I can make the rest. I will survive ... no, I will do more than that ... I will Live!
Sweet Dreams!
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