Mood: Exhausted, slightly depressed
Music: None; sound of heater fan on low setting
Though for the Day: Stand firm for your wants/needs. It IS okay to say 'Stop' ... Otherwise, you have nobody to blame for what happens to you. After all, you let it happen.
So ... this has been distracting me and pulling me down all day. If Tavis realised how affected I was ... well, he hasn't seen much of me today because I was trying to concentrate on my homework, so he didn't notice. And if he did, he's not saying anything yet. After all, it was a minor disturbance in the Force. A small ripple. My inner voice was warning something was wrong, but even it couldn't pinpoint why in time.
So, I had this date on Saturday. It was supposed to be on Sunday, my only day off, but apparently, Ernie refused to meet with me when he was tired (he was planning to get up early for the hockey game). And, apparently, the fact that I was going to be exhausted didn't concern him. Maybe he even planned on it, since, when I protested, he was quite insistent. Apparently, it was very important to be with me NOW and not put it off. So, I was irritated already, but I managed to be pleasant. We went out for dinner ... he chose the appetizer for us (beef nachos) and ate most of it. He then asked if I minded sharing a pizza (despite the fact that I had obviously already chosen what I wanted.) He was guzzling Diet Pepsi like there was no tomorrow. Seriously, he drank four glasses before the food arrived. I had one glass of iced tea, which I couldn't get refilled near the end of the meal. when we were both full, he made no move to relax and talk with me. Instead he got a little twitchy. No, that's not right ... he was tense with excitement. He looked at me and said, 'Okay, now what?' ... Eh? I mean, I'm not an expert on dating by any means, but this date seemed a little off to me. He asked if I would like to come back to his place and check out his Japanese items. I wasn't sure about going to his place (I already felt trapped by being dependent on him for the ride - and his driving was a little erratic. Especially compared to Tavis' defensive granny style.) Still, I couldn't think of a polite reason to turn him down and I was interested in his Japanese collection. So, against better judgement, I agreed. As soon as I did, we was a lot more bolder about touching me. On the way to dinner, he never touched me once ... on the way out of the restaurant, he kept touching my back. Normally, this would indicate, to me, a sign of a gentleman, but it didn't feel like that. It felt possessive, and I felt rushed. On the way in, he held the door for me ... on the way out, I felt pushed through it. He didn't open the car door for me at all during the evening.
When we finally got to his place, I was already uneasy. Tense, but looking calm. (I hope) Still my body language showed discomfort, I know. I kept my arms close to my body, and when I sat down, I was almost wedged into the corner of the couch. He offered me an iced tea and then told me that I could make it myself so that it tasted right. I've never seen such crusty iced tea mix. I wondered how old it was. He dug out a few books and while I looked at them, he settled right beside me ... and put his hand on my leg. I felt uneasy, but said nothing. He put an arm around me and then put his other hand on my leg. By this point, I am tense. I'm starting to feel ill. Then he tried to kiss me. For the briefest fraction of a second, and tiny voice suggested giving up and letting him do it. Followed quickly by Me completely rejecting that horrid idea. In a flash, I had finally put all the facts together and come to the sickening conclusion that he was only on this date for sex. My arm came up between us. He backed off immediately. I sensed a flash of irritation, quickly covered. This reaction alarmed me even more. The scum bum was biding his time ... He immediately delved into talking about Japan again. Carefully not touching me, but not giving me any space either. If he'd been sitting any closer, he'd have been in my lap.
Ernie had been in Japan for four years, teaching English. His experience didn't match what a former co-worker had told me, and he had next to no Japanese paraphernalia in his apartment. In fact, he had next to nothing. He was supposed to be an accountant, but he never talked about it despite knowing what my course was for. He never attempted to speak Japanese to me ... and the few words he mentioned in conversation were pronounced strangely. Like "Otaku", for example. I've heard this used in anime, as well as conventions, so I know I'm saying it correctly. He, well, he wasn't. And he didn't understand the meaning. I tried to explain it to him conversationally. I was dismissed.
Now, I'm not saying that this was all an elaborate set up, but I soon asked to go home. I was very tired (long week) and he kept replying about how this is how he would feel tomorrow. Any opportunity he had to express thanks over my re-adjusting my schedule for the day, or maybe to apologise ... he totally ignored or missed. It was all about him. Wow. Jade is much smoother than this. By the time he got back to my place, he was pouting. No attempt to thank me for a nice evening, get some rest, I'll call you ... nothing. There was no sex. That's all that seemed to matter. He also has not replied to any messages or made any other attempt to contact me. I guess that's that.
His loss. I'm a catch. I'm only going to get better. And I have three other guys that want to date me. Each has maintained that HE is a gentleman. So, we'll see. Best to get the bad apple out of the way, right?
So. Big breath. It's time for bed. Tomorrow is the start of a long week. Only four more to go ... and I am already behind with my school work. (Stupid Ernie.) I'll get a spring break, and then I start my practicum ... I hope.
Things are looking up for me. And there's nothing that I want more right now than to hit a gym. I miss my workouts. Meals are getting healthier too. Tavis is on board with whatever I make, so no worries there. He's also promised that even if I give a guy a "passing grade", my date still has to go through HIM for inspection. LOL!
You really are my best friend, Tavis. Love you.
Sweet Dreams!
