Sunday, Aug 3, 2014 - 22:38
Music: Hooked On a Feeling (Guardians of the Galaxy Mix)Thought for the Day: "It is the marriage of the soul with Nature that makes the intellect fruitful, and gives birth to imagination." ~ Henry David Thoreau
It's been a difficult couple of days. Who am I kidding? It's been difficult for a while now. What's disappointing is that I thought things were getting better. But I'm dealing with issues now that I've never had to deal with alone before. The depression, I can handle. I just allow myself some mopey time and try to relax on my own. Sometimes Tavis catches the signs before I do and he shoos me off to my office to go watch some anime. And he's been teaching me a little with the punching bag we've set up in the garage to help deal with the stress levels. But ... I don't know what to do about the anxiety and the trust issues. Tavis and I have known each other for about three years now, and we've shared the house for about one of those years. It was only about six months ago that he came home with an announcement and I suddenly realised that he actually liked me (as a friend, of course) and that I actually believed him. So I had a few blissful months where I knew somebody actually liked me ... and then the doubt set in. I realised that I was trying to convince myself that he would soon get tired of me, just like "everybody else" eventually does.
He's not the only one that I've been having issues with. I had met up with a guy through eHarmony. He was the only one that didn't immediately try to grope me, or set up an orgy of some sort, or just plain give up on me. He still chats with me now and then, but I haven't been easy to get to know. It freaks me out a little that he just wants to spend time at his place ... he won't spend time with me anywhere else. And every time I try to get the gumption to get up and just go already! ... I end up, I admit it, flaking out. (If flaking out means what I think ...) I can't bring myself to go. I've actually made myself ill a couple times.
Maybe I'm not ready for a relationship yet? Maybe I'm feeling rushed because of my age? I went through an awful lot of crap with Jade and I'm still discovering the damage done. I'm still trying to fix things. It's getting to a point where I don't think I can handle things on my own any more. There are things coming to the surface that I'm having trouble dealing with and still try functioning normally. I should see my doctor, but I'm afraid that he'll put me on pills and I don't want that. He had spoken with me previously about stress leave. That might be an option ... made much easier by my recently quitting my job. Maybe not smart, but really, I am tired of coming home and ranting to Tavis. He doesn't need to deal with my anger like that. All he can do is listen. And I'm worried that I'm coming across as a whiner, or a prima donna.
Anyway, that's just the tip of the iceberg ... I'll try to write more later. I'm feeling pathetic and I would like to cheer myself up by spending time with Tavis.
Sweet Dreams
