September 2, 2015 - 21:19
Mood: Tired, calm and a little restlessly trapped
Music: Samhain Night ~ Loreena McKennit
Thought of the Day: Better to be a "smart ass" than a "dumb ass".
LOL! It figures ... the words were flowing in my head earlier but I stopped at Facebook to catch up on things and I got sapped. I'm just tired now. Can't recall what I wanted to write about. Pity. It was so lovely. I've been getting some alone time lately, so thing have been calmer, but I'm becoming so sensitive to noise that I used to be able to block out with ease. *sigh* Am I getting old, or just noticing the damage more as I try to heal? Hard to say. Maybe a bit of both.
Nobody has noticed that I dropped them from Facebook, or, at least, nobody has said anything to me. Not that they should take it personally, but most people do. It's not like I blocked them ... so they can still see my comments. They just won't see my posts in the news feeds any more. I have no doubt that some have "unfollowed" me anyway. :) I like to post a lot of positive stuff. Can't have too much of that on our "walls" ... right? Wall polluting, tree-hugging freak. That's me.
Had the joy of noticing that somebody read one of my resume submissions the other day. For the first time in ... a long, dry spell. It was a cheering moment, but I quickly contained it. I don't want to get my hopes up. Still, it's a nice sign. At least I am being considered. Nice company too.
Still liking the business Idea that I had. Still working on the research. Have a location in mind ...
Went into the hair salon that used to be my grandparents' home. What a nice feeling it had in there. She even gave me permission to walk through the place and look around. I think I'll try to go back. Even in a ponytail, my uneven ends are pretty noticeable. Which is pretty bad.
Haven't heard a single peep from Greenman in a couple months now. No postings of his art on-line lately either. I'm guessing that he's really busy with his storyboard art concepts, etc. He's a very busy man ... but, I do miss our conversations. Handsome, witty, and talented. Also, he thinks that I'm beautiful and not afraid of who knows it. I find him intoxicating, as personalities go. I'd like to kiss him at least once. Just to say that I did. Long distance relationships are difficult. Even if they are friendships. But they are worth it. He's worth it.
I pledged, on Facebook, that I would try to write a page per day for the month of Sept. I wonder if this counts. I'm supposed to jealously guard my writing time, but it seems that my schedule flips and flops about more than anything. I really should nail down a timetable for myself ... I fly by the seat of my pants too often to get anything done efficiently. I do things as the mood strikes me ... which leads me to do things as others want rather than I want. Some days it was horrible ...trying to find a quiet spot ... and Mom kept following me. Which made it not quiet. Some people just need that constant noise going on. I don't. Light music is the most that I need and, sometimes, even that can be abominablely distracting. One can't sing as they write. Or I can't. I managed it once. But I was deeply in the zone, and I lived alone ... and my cat had a canny sense of when not to interrupt. Lord and Lady, I miss him. We were such a perfect match.
Between assignments, and I should be able to relax ... but how can I relax when I don;t know when my next paycheque is arriving? I need a job. Something that covers my needs and allows for a bit of savings as well. Why is that so hard now-a-days? Politics are all about the "middle class", but to me the middle class is above the poverty line in earnings ... and I rarely find myself there. In fact, I think I was above it only once in my life. So ... below the poverty line, partially employed, no children, single, and in my forties. I have yet to hear anything from the politicians about how I should vote for them in order to help myself. Ah, well ... at least I can sleep in in the mornings. That's something, right?
Had a dream last night ... I gave birth to a baby girl. And while the dream went through the motions, every time she saw me, she expressed such a wonderful joy. A joy that eclipsed all else in the dream. I woke up and wondered what it meant ... had my baby girl (from my third pregnancy) finally been reborn and wanted to let me know that she was happy? Or was it a sign that I would get my one final chance to be the mother I've always dreamed of being and that everything will be all right? It was such an odd dream ... everybody else in the dream seemed to be so careful not to meet my eyes. I felt like a ghost ... but I know that I wasn't. I don't often have strong dreams like that. Maybe tonight, if I am lucky, I will get more of the story ... I doubt it though. Dreams like that are sporadic and tend not to change much. Kind of like visions. Actions of others can change it.
And so can mine. I choose to believe.
Sweet Dreams!
