April 2, 2016 - 21:14
Mood: Tired, trapped, and a bit irritated, but trying not to be any of these things. You know?
Music: In the Air Tonight ~ Phil Collins
Thought of the Day: "You are terrifying, and strange, and beautiful; something not everyone knows how to love." - Warsan Shire
So, my ex-fiance has been making weak attempts at contacting me. He doesn't have my new phone number, so he can't text me. He sent me a note by e-mail that sounded pitiful. Saying that he didn't want to ruin my birthday by sending me a note on that day. Ridiculous logic. Also noted that he didn't actually say he hoped that I had a good birthday. No good wishes. No conversation. Just a plea to speak to him. Even if it was just to tell him to "f**k off". Um, no. It occurred to me that he might have thought I changed my number to get rid of him. I hadn't, but it was a relaxing side effect. I made the decision not to answer the e-mail.
Within the month, I was miraculously able to see him on Facebook. Looks like he unblocked me at last to try and check up on me. I actually snorted in derision when I saw that. Which was interesting, because I thought that only happened in books.
Months went by - I though he had given up at last, and distracted himself with his harem once again. Then he posts that comment on the last entry. I recognised it immediately. He's used that line on me before. Word for bloody word. I felt cold as I stared at it. It made me finally realise that most of my memories of him were sullied by all the lies he told. The ones that I knew were lies as he uttered them. The ones that I discovered were lies after. The ones that I wondered if they were actually lies or not. His life with me had been built on lies. Lies that his parents helped him cover up. Repeatedly. Consistently. Those lies that led me on a spiralling path until I was a thread away from suicide as he got bored of me and stopped making any attempt to hide it. He is poisonous. He says anything he can, no matter what it is that he has to say, in order to keep his dick wet. I mean it. He'll say anything. He's sick, and he's not getting the help that he needs. I did try, long ago.
He was once told by an old friend that I was the best thing that ever happened to him. I made him better. This old friend was a girl that he was cheating on me with, so that could be taken a couple of ways, but I like to think positive.
It's easier to think positive of myself now. I have a best friend who loves me dearly. He's doing his best to help me regain the person that I should be. He thinks that I am beautiful, and talented. He loves my cooking. He goes out of his way to do little things to make me happy. He's supportive and refuses to allow negativity. I like to think that I've been there for him too. We make a good team. When he says that he loves me, he really means it. I realised today that I even had a word for the relationship that we share. "Parabatai". I honestly can't think of a better word. It rather settles our relationship in my mind. It's just so perfect.
My ex-fiance stole things from me that I can't ever get back. Time. A great deal of it. Dreams. Most of them. Some of it, I'm fighting to reclaim. I'm trying to trust people again. I'm trying to find my place in life, because simply existing isn't good enough. I have a lovely home. I have a good friend who lives in it with me. I have 3 fur-babies. I have a good paying job. I have a beautiful new car. I am writing again. I am eating healthy, liking it, and losing weight. Slowly, but that's okay. I am creating jewellery. I am accomplishing things. I'm slowly peeling away what I don't need and getting rid of it. Each of these makes me feel lighter. Happier. I can't say the same thing about my ex-fiance. And he's lost any hope of chances to show that he could. I once thought we could be friends, but that didn't pan out. Difficult to claim a platonic friendship when I'm just being used to keep his dick wet. I'm worth much more than a quick f**k, thank you. Selfish bastard.
Am I better for this life experience? I think I could have done very well without it. It's created limitations for me that I will have to work hard to break. Some may never go away. But I will find ways to be happy. Every day I find reasons to smile. Every day I find a reason to become stronger.
I will continue on this Path, and I will do more than survive. I will learn to Live.
Sweet Dreams!
