I'm Glad You Came

 21:21

Mood: Mentally Tired, but still scolding myself for my Procrastination

Music: Drunken Sailor - VoicePlay

Thought of the Day: “Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any other” - Abraham Lincoln

Book Referral of the Day:  Owl Flight  by Mercedes Lackey

Craft / Sitting Room and Library are almost complete. I’m taking my time, which drives Mom nuts. I’ve learned, though, that if I rush to finish, then I feel like I’m trying to live in a box that doesn’t fit. There’s no comfort in a personal space like that. Even with a cat.

I have a job interview with the City again. Things will be much easier this time around, since I’m already an employee. It’s not a New Hire so much as a Transfer. Hoping things go smoothly. It’s time to get a position with benefits. 

For those of you who are still reading. Kudos. Thank you for hanging in there. For those of you who may be new. Welcome. The words written here are my thoughts as I think them, from my perspective, and based on the information I have. They are also going through a PTSD filter, so I apologise in advance if things get a little wonky. This is part of the therapy after all. (Self Prescribed) I’m working hard on my Mental Health. It’s a heck of a lot easier now that it’s such a social focus everywhere. I’ve come a long way. When I glance back, it’s amazing how far I’ve come. I’ve always had a wide variety of interests. I’m trying to narrow those down so that I can focus on them better. After shaving away the smaller things, I’m down to Reading/Writing, Music, Wire Wrapping, and ME. The last one is a new addition. I’m not ashamed to finally be proud of it. 

I’m rubbing off on Mom too. Her Mental Health is still her responsibility, but I try to lead by example. 

My birth Father still refuses to admit that I exist. Surprisingly, this doesn’t bother me quite as much as I may have before. I’m still amused. My cousin helps by being on my side. I’ve also got a healthy attitude about it. He wants to deny it? Okay. I’ll help. So for Father’s Day I sent him a DNA kit. No clue if he tossed it, used it, or gave it away. If he doesn’t use it, then he’s a coward and he knows it. So, just waiting to hear Something from somebody. Cousin thinks it’s hilarious. 

“The sun goes down, the stars come out

And all that counts is here and now

My universe will never be the same

I'm glad you came.”

And that’s all I have to say about that.

Sweet Dreams!

... And All That Jazz!

 21:44

Mood: Tired, but still restless

Music: Lovers in a Dangerous Time ~ The Barenaked Ladies

Thought of the Day: “A dream doesn’t become reality through magic; it takes sweat, determination and hard work.” - Colin Cowell

Book Referral of the Day:   Legacy  by Nora Roberts (Why not?)

Well, the monster has been poked. Books are being piled, shelves shifted, and secret pee spot discovered. I suspect said “spot” was created so that he can pee in peace. The litter box doesn’t offer much in the way of privacy from a nosy sister. Still, it’s a pain to clean.

Mom will have her expanded storage area (which she initially swore was more than enough space), and I’ll have a place for my comic boxes that doesn’t include dripping water. I’m enclosing things up a bit. Give it a more “cozy” feel. The rug really helps with that. So that will be my sitting area where I can have friends. Sad that I can’t use the living room, but where would I stuff Mom? She’s gonna listen anyway. 

Laundry is done too. Lotsa stairs today. Hope it shows on my Fitbit.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I either really need to step up my fitness level or just admit that I can’t play certain sports anymore. My goal is to step up, but we’ll see. Corporate Challenge is supposed to be for all levels. First time I’ve seen soft softballs though. Maybe T-ball seemed too childish? 

Anyway, I need to step up. It can be difficult to eat healthy in some ways. (I don’t eat a lot of junk, but I’ve eaten healthier!) And simply being more active doesn’t do much for me (visibly). So I have to decide how to pinpoint the areas I want to work on. I used to love aerobics, but that will only help my cardio. So, I’m going to try some yoga. (I have a book.) I’m also going to figure out where in my schedule I will add work outs. AND KEEP THAT TIME SLOT! That’s the hard part. My energy gets low at times. Sometimes physically, sometimes mentally. Still, If I can quit smoking (has it been 30 years?) with nothing more than sheer will power, I can do this too. 

Yes, I can!

Sweet Dreams!

There's a Bit of Magic in the Air

 18:46

Mood: Relaxed / Satisfied

Music: Everywhere - Michelle Branch

Thought of the Day: As long as I am alive, there are infinite chances.

Book Referral of the Day:  Confessions of a Part-Time Sorceress: A Girl’s Guide to the Dungeons & Dragons Game. by Shelly Mazzanoble

Person 1: “Do not be limited to what you can only see from where you are. Go out and find more.”

Person 2: “More what?”

Person 1: “Everything.”

I’m strangely proud of that short piece of conversation/advice. Classic message, I guess, but the words are mine. The little mini conversions in my mind have really been popping up for the last six months. Sometimes I just have to remind myself why I keep bits of paper, and a pen(cil) handy, all over the house. And inspiration hits in the oddest places. It’s not safe to be paperless anywhere. Trust me. I have a strong urge to travel somewhere and just WRITE. On my own. Pity I have kids. Well, we’ll see what the future holds. It could still happen.

The green is beginning. Hello, Spring. It’s always a joyous relief to watch the green come in. Autumn is pretty, but it will never be to me what Spring is. Feeling things wake up makes me happier than feeling things prep for hibernation. Jealousy may play a TINY part in that.

So, I have discovered I have a sister and a brother that I have never met. Not sure of the ages, but pretty sure I’m the eldest. Trying to figure out if I should contact my brother directly and introduce myself. Kinda nerve wracking, you know? At the same time though, there's a need to know more.

Spring cleaning has been quite refreshing so far. I re-arranged the living room on a challenge. (Took me 30 min!) Then, I re-arranged my office/sitting room. Still, deciding how to set up the little things, but all the big stuff is done and I am SO SATISFIED with it. Especially the TV. No more sun glare. I’m proud of that one. Once I get things settled here, I will tidy up my bedroom and then re-arrange the basement. I’ve got it all set in my head. I just have to do it. It’s already half done and feels comfy, if currently a bit cluttered. Looking forward to sitting down there during the summer heat. Surrounded by books and craft supplies.

Sweet Dreams!

Oh, The Things That We Can Accomplish When We Are Happy!

 11:36

Mood: Relaxed / Satisfied

Music: Scooby Doo Theme Song (3rd version? - Scooby, Where Are You?)

Thought of the Day: “Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” ~ Oscar Wilde
Book Referral of the Day:  Fire Bringer by David Clement-Davies (I think of this as the Celtic version of ‘Bambi’)

Well, Mom comes back this evening. A day early, but I guess that’s fine. I’m pretty satisfied with what I managed to accomplish while she was gone. Not as much as I wanted, but, still, I’m satisfied. The most important thing was the bathroom. That was just gross. I will spare you the details. It’s damn sparkly now, and I didn’t even use glitter. I still need to rearrange my office. It’ll feel more open when I’m done. It’s also necessary to find all the wild dust bunnies, and cat “toys”. And will force me to dust. I admit, I’m terrible at keeping things dusted. Strangely, I’m better at it when I live on my own. Perhaps one has to feel relaxed and safe in order to complete dusting successfully? Maybe it’s an energy thing?

I very much enjoyed the last two weeks of having the house to myself, even though I now had to be responsible for all the details by myself. Not once did I moan about having to do any of the extra things you must do when you live on your own. I’m a bit surprised. I figured I’d be tired of having to cook my own meals after coming home from work, but, honestly, I enjoyed it. I even enjoyed washing the dishes. I’m just plain happier living on my own. I’ve known this for a long time but this will be year three here with Mom, and we’ve found a way to mostly co-exist. Of course, Mom keeps talking about leaving. She keeps looking for places. Almost got pulled into her impulsive need for this one house that was NOT the place for us. Bad set up, old house, tiny yard, poor neighbourhood. I put my foot down. I am NOT moving until I am ready, and I don’t have plans to move until this PMQ is scheduled to be torn down for the new development. That’s about 5 years from now. I have a dog and two cats. I’m not going to find a better place to save money. Mom strong-armed me into this place, now she can stay in it too. Not that I’m being stubborn to punish anybody. It’s seriously the best set up for us just now.

Currently contracted to an ETS Garage as an Exam Proxy. It’s fantastic. I’m really enjoying it. Next week, I finish the in-person exams and start doing the OOP exams via video. There’s a chance that I could be finishing things up from home since it’s all online. We’ll see.

My cans/bottles collection has exploded since things started to warm up. I’ll have to take them in soon. It shocks me how much I find when I take Kaylee out for a walk. Some of them are full sized glass bottles, and they frequently aren’t exactly empty. I can’t recall the last time that I went out for a walk with Kaylee which didn’t make me glad I keep a bag in my pocket, and it’s not for poop!

My third mammogram/ultrasound is coming up soon. Time to see if my little problem is getting bigger or multiplying. They are too small to be biopsied, but, if there is a third one, I want them removed even if they aren’t getting bigger. I’d feel safer, I think. Especially with Maggie constantly treating my chest like a freeway. (She does it on purpose, I know.)

My recently found first cousin finally sent me the beginnings of the family info. I’ve decided to write her back with a handwritten letter as well. It’s such a pleasure to get one in the mail. We’ve always known that, as a society, but it really hit home yesterday when I saw the package and the handwritten note. I guess my cousin isn’t that computer savvy. I don’t mind. Maybe it’ll lead to a road trip this summer. That would be nice.

7kg down and keeping it off. Life is good.

Come on, Sunshine! Warm things up more. I have things I need to do!

Sweet Dreams!

The sky is the limit unless I want to visit the moon.

 16:26

Mood: Pleasant

Music: Jump, Jive, and Wail - Brian Setzer Orchestra

Thought of the Day: Comfort zones were meant to be expanded. To do that, you have to step out of them and scout out your chances.
Book Referral of the Day:  Year One by Nora Roberts (Published in 2017, so a little freaky, all things considered)

Having another good weekend. I completed my contract with BTA, and I have a week off before my next contract starts with ETS. I have to be there for 06:30, but, on the bright side, I’m missing the traffic jams.  Feel relaxed. Bit of a pay cut going from Clerk III to II, but still a good pay level.

Battery is dead again and I’m looking for a respectfully affordable place to get it replaced. The location of the battery in a ford focus is not for the faint of heart. It’s a fairly stupid location, given how difficult it is to keep it from freezing. (Do better, Ford!) Still, I can boost it or charge it up before I go anywhere, so, annoying, but do-able.

“Met” a new 1st cousin on-line, and it appears to be a happy meeting so far. Time will tell, I guess. For now, I’m going to be happy about it. I’m going to take her words at face value until I see actual proof of negativity. 

I’m almost done paying back my uncle for the loan he gave me last Fall. Contemplating asking him if he’d be willing to trust me with another one. He doesn’t affect my credit rating, and doesn’t charge interest. My aunt has been sick lately though, so I’ll wait and think it out a bit more.

It just feels good to have options, you know?

It also feels good to step outside in a light jacket and worry about falling flat on your ass. Or worse, falling on a not-flat step edge. The partridges are pairing up, the rabbits are changing colour … and I’m craving chocolate. Spring is lovely.

Mom is leaving at the end of the week for a two week working vacation. She’s going to babysit the cats at Michael’s and I’ve got so many plans for my time while she’s gone. It'll be an adjustment for the kids and me, but, on the whole, refreshing for me. I plan on enjoying it immensely.

Sweet Dreams!

The Joy of a Healing Heart

 12:23

Mood: Pleasant

Music: Hooked on a Feeling - Blue Swede

Thought of the Day: Have you been half asleep, and have you heard voices? I’ve heard them calling my name. ~ Kermit the Frog
Book Referral of the Day:  A Place for Margaret by Bernice Thurman Hunter

What a wonderful weekend I’m having. I am legitimately in a good mood. Lola’s been resuscitated and is driving smoothly. I’ve got breathing room in my finances. In a few weeks, Mom is going to Michael’s place to babysit their cats while he and his wife take a spring trip to California. (While it’s flooding.) I’m steadily losing weight, and I’m on my fourth LOTR Conqueror Challenge medal. And I’ve been having some  odd dreams lately. The kind that don’t seem to be just recycled consciousness, you know? They started when I ran out of pills for a week and had just started taking them again. (That was scary and I never want to run out again, by the by.) These dreams were eye opening when I thought about it and put them into perspective for myself. 

I wish I’d written them down sooner, but I’ll sum it up as best I can. 

Jade was trying to seduce me, but the night was cut short because he couldn’t get an erection. He was frustrated with it as he tried, and tried. I wandered away and found myself facing Dona. She was sneering at me and telling me she found indecent pictures of me on the net. But she couldn’t find them again to triumphantly show me her proof that I was the worst of the worst. I replied about how flattered I was that she was looking, etc. I was feeling amused and made her feel silly, especially as she had no comeback for it. Jade’s wife wandered into the room, oblivious to her surroundings and I felt a bit of pity for her. I then found myself in the back seat of a vehicle (SUV?). Dona, Wayne, and Wife all in the front bench seat facing forward. Nobody acknowledged me. Which I was perfectly fine with. I thought they were driving me home, but we ended up at a huge Farmer’s market in a small town. I got out of the vehicle and that’s the last I saw of them. I wandered a bit, eventually decided that the only way I was getting home was to start walking. I got out to the main road, and picked a direction. A glance across the field beside me showed a tornado approaching. I called out a warning to the people who were around me and ran back to the Market to warn people to take cover. Ended up collecting a small crying child that had been separated from their parents and protecting it. I glanced out the window to see how close the funnel was and realised the tornado had deviated a bit and the spot it was at that moment was Jade’s house. I wasn’t upset. I was in awe at how he was being wiped out of my life. I didn’t wonder if he survived. I just knew I’d never see him again. And, again, I wasn’t upset.

I’ve had a few other dreams, but those people have never once been in them. I feel like a good, strong door has finally closed between us and they can never hurt me again. I sat down the other morning and thought about these dreams that I’ve been having that haven’t actually felt like dreams. I thought about how positive I’ve been feeling about my situation, myself, and my future. I realised that I was happy. Which led me to a more important realisation. I’m finally healing. My mind has finally acknowledged the truth that my heart had quietly known for ever so long. 

It was a freeing moment. Seriously. 

The dream feels silly when I see it written like that, the whole emotional ambiance is missing. It wasn’t the actions, or the events that was important, so much as the meaning behind them all. The symbolism. And the fact that the results remain. They can’t hurt me anymore. Their opinion matters about as much to me as any other stranger’s. 

I have song, story, and magic in my life again. I won’t let it go again.

Sweet Dreams!

Dream Dreamer Dreamin'

15:13

Mood: Irritable

Music: Total Eclipse of the Heart - Bonnie Rait

Thought of the Day: What part of “Do Not Disturb” do people have issues with? My calendar is blocked off for a reason.
Book Referral of the Day: “Outlaw Red” by Jim Kjelgaard (Short, but very endearing.)

So much crap in the last week alone. Things get better from here, right? Well, they do say that Hope is everlasting, I guess. Finally got my first pay cheque from my current contract. Almost double what I was making on EI. Interesting. I made the choice to end my EI claim until the contract is done. Not sure if I have enough hours, but making the improved percentage is worth the risk. And, the risk that I’ll have a new contract immediately for less. Still worth it. Clerk 1 minimum wage is still more than I was making at 311. Speaking of sad budgets. Is it sad that I got almost double the amount and I barely caught up with my costs? Crossing fingers that the next cheque is going to involve less damage control.

Anyway, Lola gave me a big scare in the last couple weeks. Three boosts in two weeks. Turned out she just had a bad cold. Her battery was frozen. Luckily, it wasn’t severe enough to require the purchase of another new battery. Oh, and we realised that her coolant reservoir was dry as well. Got her boosted, carefully topped up the coolant, ran for about half hour while I ate dinner, then we took her out to get dog food. I left Mom in the car so that I didn’t have to turn her off yet. Then we took a VERY scenic route back home. She’s the grand age of seven this year. Might be time to consider retirement. Just the thinking stage though. She’s been an excellent experience for me. Don’t wanna punt her to the side like junk. She’s family, after all.

Great news: She started the next day. Three times. So proud of my girl.

Loving the refillable card the transit system has instead of paying cash. No more wondering if I have enough coin, or if I accidentally put in two tickets instead of one. Tap on, tap off - and I’m paying less too. Just have to keep an eye on my balance, that’s all.

Reconstruction of Phase 1 begins next year. We’re living in Phase 3, so still lots of time to save up. I am determined to NOT live with Mom ever again. I’ll share a property with her, but not a house. She does have the best of intentions, of course, but we are not on the same wavelength. At all. There are times that I feel trapped by her behaviour. I’ve tried to discuss it with her - adult to adult. When that doesn’t work, I get irritable. Then downright angry. Doesn’t matter. She sees herself as the victim, because that’s just the way she is and I have to live with it. (Is it worth pointing out that it’s a very changeable mindset? Alas. No. Uphill battle. Too much wasted energy.) I’ll just get a therapist. Eventually.

I will survive. I always do. Meanwhile, I dream.

Sweet Dreams!

Gong Hei Fat Choi - Year of the Rabbit

 January 22, 2023 - 14:02

Mood: Pleasant
Music: Hallelujia - KD Lang version
Thought of the Day: Whoever said 'Money can't buy happiness' doesn't know where to shop!

Book Referal of the Day: Tamsin by Peter S Beagle

 

Life has been fantastic lately. Fantastically uplifting. There's a gentle pride surrounding me and it doesn't feel fleeting, you know? Things are moving in the right direction. Good interviews, especially recently. I have been hired as Staff Support with a really good paying contract starting next week, but I am also still in the running for a FT position. Doesn't pay as much, but benefits would go a LONG way. So. Feeling really good about my ability to find a place I want to live when it's our turn to move out. (Phase 1 starts next spring and we're in Phase 3.) It's a nice feeling when bills are getting paid, and I look forward to saving on top of that. 

Lots of recovery going on, and not just financially. Physically, I'm trying my best to crack down on things. I've done it before, and I know I can do it again. Mentally, I still have some good/bad days, but the good days are improving in quality. I actually hugged my mom one day. Voluntarily. It was eye opening to touch "normal" like that. Hope my brain dips our mental toes in that water again soon. Gives me hope that I might be able to consider dating again. 

Did you ever fall in love with The Last Unicorn as a child? Apparently, Peter S Beagle is going to revisit it with a sequel called The Way Home. I'm looking forward to seeing what he does with it. It's inspiring to imagine how he will place it in the storyline. Has time passed? Characters gotten older? or will he pick up where he left off? 

My own writing is going slowly, but still going. I make sure to jot down everything that stirs my fancy. Quotes, ideas, imaginings. Everything. Got some ideas that I want to use. Just undecided if I'm going to include magic. It was supposed to be a modern 'slice of life' style. I'd also love to do a travelling article like I've posted in the past. I enjoyed that and it received a lot of great feedback.

I've been good so far about not getting carried away with hobbies. It's been difficult though. I keep seeing crafts that I want to try. I'm determined to keep it down to just the beading/wire wrapping. Feeling better energy levels to complete the craft area as well. It's going to be ready for Summer. Contemplating what to do about the Sparkle Tattoos. I really enjoy doing it. We'll see. I'll make a decision in the Spring.

I'm a little concerned that it feels like "Spring" already. Even spiders are waking up. February has been the coldest month of the year for over a decade now. Thankfully nothing is growing outside yet, but this weather has to play merry havoc with nature. As long as we don't get a blizzard in May, I'm good with that, I guess. Feels wrong on many levels, but as long as it does no harm.

Ah, it's tempting to open a window for fresh air.

Okay. Time to get some things done. Best wishes to you and yours, and, as always

Sweet Dreams!