I'm Glad You Came

 21:21

Mood: Mentally Tired, but still scolding myself for my Procrastination

Music: Drunken Sailor - VoicePlay

Thought of the Day: “Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any other” - Abraham Lincoln

Book Referral of the Day:  Owl Flight  by Mercedes Lackey

Craft / Sitting Room and Library are almost complete. I’m taking my time, which drives Mom nuts. I’ve learned, though, that if I rush to finish, then I feel like I’m trying to live in a box that doesn’t fit. There’s no comfort in a personal space like that. Even with a cat.

I have a job interview with the City again. Things will be much easier this time around, since I’m already an employee. It’s not a New Hire so much as a Transfer. Hoping things go smoothly. It’s time to get a position with benefits. 

For those of you who are still reading. Kudos. Thank you for hanging in there. For those of you who may be new. Welcome. The words written here are my thoughts as I think them, from my perspective, and based on the information I have. They are also going through a PTSD filter, so I apologise in advance if things get a little wonky. This is part of the therapy after all. (Self Prescribed) I’m working hard on my Mental Health. It’s a heck of a lot easier now that it’s such a social focus everywhere. I’ve come a long way. When I glance back, it’s amazing how far I’ve come. I’ve always had a wide variety of interests. I’m trying to narrow those down so that I can focus on them better. After shaving away the smaller things, I’m down to Reading/Writing, Music, Wire Wrapping, and ME. The last one is a new addition. I’m not ashamed to finally be proud of it. 

I’m rubbing off on Mom too. Her Mental Health is still her responsibility, but I try to lead by example. 

My birth Father still refuses to admit that I exist. Surprisingly, this doesn’t bother me quite as much as I may have before. I’m still amused. My cousin helps by being on my side. I’ve also got a healthy attitude about it. He wants to deny it? Okay. I’ll help. So for Father’s Day I sent him a DNA kit. No clue if he tossed it, used it, or gave it away. If he doesn’t use it, then he’s a coward and he knows it. So, just waiting to hear Something from somebody. Cousin thinks it’s hilarious. 

“The sun goes down, the stars come out

And all that counts is here and now

My universe will never be the same

I'm glad you came.”

And that’s all I have to say about that.

Sweet Dreams!

... And All That Jazz!

 21:44

Mood: Tired, but still restless

Music: Lovers in a Dangerous Time ~ The Barenaked Ladies

Thought of the Day: “A dream doesn’t become reality through magic; it takes sweat, determination and hard work.” - Colin Cowell

Book Referral of the Day:   Legacy  by Nora Roberts (Why not?)

Well, the monster has been poked. Books are being piled, shelves shifted, and secret pee spot discovered. I suspect said “spot” was created so that he can pee in peace. The litter box doesn’t offer much in the way of privacy from a nosy sister. Still, it’s a pain to clean.

Mom will have her expanded storage area (which she initially swore was more than enough space), and I’ll have a place for my comic boxes that doesn’t include dripping water. I’m enclosing things up a bit. Give it a more “cozy” feel. The rug really helps with that. So that will be my sitting area where I can have friends. Sad that I can’t use the living room, but where would I stuff Mom? She’s gonna listen anyway. 

Laundry is done too. Lotsa stairs today. Hope it shows on my Fitbit.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I either really need to step up my fitness level or just admit that I can’t play certain sports anymore. My goal is to step up, but we’ll see. Corporate Challenge is supposed to be for all levels. First time I’ve seen soft softballs though. Maybe T-ball seemed too childish? 

Anyway, I need to step up. It can be difficult to eat healthy in some ways. (I don’t eat a lot of junk, but I’ve eaten healthier!) And simply being more active doesn’t do much for me (visibly). So I have to decide how to pinpoint the areas I want to work on. I used to love aerobics, but that will only help my cardio. So, I’m going to try some yoga. (I have a book.) I’m also going to figure out where in my schedule I will add work outs. AND KEEP THAT TIME SLOT! That’s the hard part. My energy gets low at times. Sometimes physically, sometimes mentally. Still, If I can quit smoking (has it been 30 years?) with nothing more than sheer will power, I can do this too. 

Yes, I can!

Sweet Dreams!

There's a Bit of Magic in the Air

 18:46

Mood: Relaxed / Satisfied

Music: Everywhere - Michelle Branch

Thought of the Day: As long as I am alive, there are infinite chances.

Book Referral of the Day:  Confessions of a Part-Time Sorceress: A Girl’s Guide to the Dungeons & Dragons Game. by Shelly Mazzanoble

Person 1: “Do not be limited to what you can only see from where you are. Go out and find more.”

Person 2: “More what?”

Person 1: “Everything.”

I’m strangely proud of that short piece of conversation/advice. Classic message, I guess, but the words are mine. The little mini conversions in my mind have really been popping up for the last six months. Sometimes I just have to remind myself why I keep bits of paper, and a pen(cil) handy, all over the house. And inspiration hits in the oddest places. It’s not safe to be paperless anywhere. Trust me. I have a strong urge to travel somewhere and just WRITE. On my own. Pity I have kids. Well, we’ll see what the future holds. It could still happen.

The green is beginning. Hello, Spring. It’s always a joyous relief to watch the green come in. Autumn is pretty, but it will never be to me what Spring is. Feeling things wake up makes me happier than feeling things prep for hibernation. Jealousy may play a TINY part in that.

So, I have discovered I have a sister and a brother that I have never met. Not sure of the ages, but pretty sure I’m the eldest. Trying to figure out if I should contact my brother directly and introduce myself. Kinda nerve wracking, you know? At the same time though, there's a need to know more.

Spring cleaning has been quite refreshing so far. I re-arranged the living room on a challenge. (Took me 30 min!) Then, I re-arranged my office/sitting room. Still, deciding how to set up the little things, but all the big stuff is done and I am SO SATISFIED with it. Especially the TV. No more sun glare. I’m proud of that one. Once I get things settled here, I will tidy up my bedroom and then re-arrange the basement. I’ve got it all set in my head. I just have to do it. It’s already half done and feels comfy, if currently a bit cluttered. Looking forward to sitting down there during the summer heat. Surrounded by books and craft supplies.

Sweet Dreams!

Oh, The Things That We Can Accomplish When We Are Happy!

 11:36

Mood: Relaxed / Satisfied

Music: Scooby Doo Theme Song (3rd version? - Scooby, Where Are You?)

Thought of the Day: “Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” ~ Oscar Wilde
Book Referral of the Day:  Fire Bringer by David Clement-Davies (I think of this as the Celtic version of ‘Bambi’)

Well, Mom comes back this evening. A day early, but I guess that’s fine. I’m pretty satisfied with what I managed to accomplish while she was gone. Not as much as I wanted, but, still, I’m satisfied. The most important thing was the bathroom. That was just gross. I will spare you the details. It’s damn sparkly now, and I didn’t even use glitter. I still need to rearrange my office. It’ll feel more open when I’m done. It’s also necessary to find all the wild dust bunnies, and cat “toys”. And will force me to dust. I admit, I’m terrible at keeping things dusted. Strangely, I’m better at it when I live on my own. Perhaps one has to feel relaxed and safe in order to complete dusting successfully? Maybe it’s an energy thing?

I very much enjoyed the last two weeks of having the house to myself, even though I now had to be responsible for all the details by myself. Not once did I moan about having to do any of the extra things you must do when you live on your own. I’m a bit surprised. I figured I’d be tired of having to cook my own meals after coming home from work, but, honestly, I enjoyed it. I even enjoyed washing the dishes. I’m just plain happier living on my own. I’ve known this for a long time but this will be year three here with Mom, and we’ve found a way to mostly co-exist. Of course, Mom keeps talking about leaving. She keeps looking for places. Almost got pulled into her impulsive need for this one house that was NOT the place for us. Bad set up, old house, tiny yard, poor neighbourhood. I put my foot down. I am NOT moving until I am ready, and I don’t have plans to move until this PMQ is scheduled to be torn down for the new development. That’s about 5 years from now. I have a dog and two cats. I’m not going to find a better place to save money. Mom strong-armed me into this place, now she can stay in it too. Not that I’m being stubborn to punish anybody. It’s seriously the best set up for us just now.

Currently contracted to an ETS Garage as an Exam Proxy. It’s fantastic. I’m really enjoying it. Next week, I finish the in-person exams and start doing the OOP exams via video. There’s a chance that I could be finishing things up from home since it’s all online. We’ll see.

My cans/bottles collection has exploded since things started to warm up. I’ll have to take them in soon. It shocks me how much I find when I take Kaylee out for a walk. Some of them are full sized glass bottles, and they frequently aren’t exactly empty. I can’t recall the last time that I went out for a walk with Kaylee which didn’t make me glad I keep a bag in my pocket, and it’s not for poop!

My third mammogram/ultrasound is coming up soon. Time to see if my little problem is getting bigger or multiplying. They are too small to be biopsied, but, if there is a third one, I want them removed even if they aren’t getting bigger. I’d feel safer, I think. Especially with Maggie constantly treating my chest like a freeway. (She does it on purpose, I know.)

My recently found first cousin finally sent me the beginnings of the family info. I’ve decided to write her back with a handwritten letter as well. It’s such a pleasure to get one in the mail. We’ve always known that, as a society, but it really hit home yesterday when I saw the package and the handwritten note. I guess my cousin isn’t that computer savvy. I don’t mind. Maybe it’ll lead to a road trip this summer. That would be nice.

7kg down and keeping it off. Life is good.

Come on, Sunshine! Warm things up more. I have things I need to do!

Sweet Dreams!

The sky is the limit unless I want to visit the moon.

 16:26

Mood: Pleasant

Music: Jump, Jive, and Wail - Brian Setzer Orchestra

Thought of the Day: Comfort zones were meant to be expanded. To do that, you have to step out of them and scout out your chances.
Book Referral of the Day:  Year One by Nora Roberts (Published in 2017, so a little freaky, all things considered)

Having another good weekend. I completed my contract with BTA, and I have a week off before my next contract starts with ETS. I have to be there for 06:30, but, on the bright side, I’m missing the traffic jams.  Feel relaxed. Bit of a pay cut going from Clerk III to II, but still a good pay level.

Battery is dead again and I’m looking for a respectfully affordable place to get it replaced. The location of the battery in a ford focus is not for the faint of heart. It’s a fairly stupid location, given how difficult it is to keep it from freezing. (Do better, Ford!) Still, I can boost it or charge it up before I go anywhere, so, annoying, but do-able.

“Met” a new 1st cousin on-line, and it appears to be a happy meeting so far. Time will tell, I guess. For now, I’m going to be happy about it. I’m going to take her words at face value until I see actual proof of negativity. 

I’m almost done paying back my uncle for the loan he gave me last Fall. Contemplating asking him if he’d be willing to trust me with another one. He doesn’t affect my credit rating, and doesn’t charge interest. My aunt has been sick lately though, so I’ll wait and think it out a bit more.

It just feels good to have options, you know?

It also feels good to step outside in a light jacket and worry about falling flat on your ass. Or worse, falling on a not-flat step edge. The partridges are pairing up, the rabbits are changing colour … and I’m craving chocolate. Spring is lovely.

Mom is leaving at the end of the week for a two week working vacation. She’s going to babysit the cats at Michael’s and I’ve got so many plans for my time while she’s gone. It'll be an adjustment for the kids and me, but, on the whole, refreshing for me. I plan on enjoying it immensely.

Sweet Dreams!

The Joy of a Healing Heart

 12:23

Mood: Pleasant

Music: Hooked on a Feeling - Blue Swede

Thought of the Day: Have you been half asleep, and have you heard voices? I’ve heard them calling my name. ~ Kermit the Frog
Book Referral of the Day:  A Place for Margaret by Bernice Thurman Hunter

What a wonderful weekend I’m having. I am legitimately in a good mood. Lola’s been resuscitated and is driving smoothly. I’ve got breathing room in my finances. In a few weeks, Mom is going to Michael’s place to babysit their cats while he and his wife take a spring trip to California. (While it’s flooding.) I’m steadily losing weight, and I’m on my fourth LOTR Conqueror Challenge medal. And I’ve been having some  odd dreams lately. The kind that don’t seem to be just recycled consciousness, you know? They started when I ran out of pills for a week and had just started taking them again. (That was scary and I never want to run out again, by the by.) These dreams were eye opening when I thought about it and put them into perspective for myself. 

I wish I’d written them down sooner, but I’ll sum it up as best I can. 

Jade was trying to seduce me, but the night was cut short because he couldn’t get an erection. He was frustrated with it as he tried, and tried. I wandered away and found myself facing Dona. She was sneering at me and telling me she found indecent pictures of me on the net. But she couldn’t find them again to triumphantly show me her proof that I was the worst of the worst. I replied about how flattered I was that she was looking, etc. I was feeling amused and made her feel silly, especially as she had no comeback for it. Jade’s wife wandered into the room, oblivious to her surroundings and I felt a bit of pity for her. I then found myself in the back seat of a vehicle (SUV?). Dona, Wayne, and Wife all in the front bench seat facing forward. Nobody acknowledged me. Which I was perfectly fine with. I thought they were driving me home, but we ended up at a huge Farmer’s market in a small town. I got out of the vehicle and that’s the last I saw of them. I wandered a bit, eventually decided that the only way I was getting home was to start walking. I got out to the main road, and picked a direction. A glance across the field beside me showed a tornado approaching. I called out a warning to the people who were around me and ran back to the Market to warn people to take cover. Ended up collecting a small crying child that had been separated from their parents and protecting it. I glanced out the window to see how close the funnel was and realised the tornado had deviated a bit and the spot it was at that moment was Jade’s house. I wasn’t upset. I was in awe at how he was being wiped out of my life. I didn’t wonder if he survived. I just knew I’d never see him again. And, again, I wasn’t upset.

I’ve had a few other dreams, but those people have never once been in them. I feel like a good, strong door has finally closed between us and they can never hurt me again. I sat down the other morning and thought about these dreams that I’ve been having that haven’t actually felt like dreams. I thought about how positive I’ve been feeling about my situation, myself, and my future. I realised that I was happy. Which led me to a more important realisation. I’m finally healing. My mind has finally acknowledged the truth that my heart had quietly known for ever so long. 

It was a freeing moment. Seriously. 

The dream feels silly when I see it written like that, the whole emotional ambiance is missing. It wasn’t the actions, or the events that was important, so much as the meaning behind them all. The symbolism. And the fact that the results remain. They can’t hurt me anymore. Their opinion matters about as much to me as any other stranger’s. 

I have song, story, and magic in my life again. I won’t let it go again.

Sweet Dreams!

Dream Dreamer Dreamin'

15:13

Mood: Irritable

Music: Total Eclipse of the Heart - Bonnie Rait

Thought of the Day: What part of “Do Not Disturb” do people have issues with? My calendar is blocked off for a reason.
Book Referral of the Day: “Outlaw Red” by Jim Kjelgaard (Short, but very endearing.)

So much crap in the last week alone. Things get better from here, right? Well, they do say that Hope is everlasting, I guess. Finally got my first pay cheque from my current contract. Almost double what I was making on EI. Interesting. I made the choice to end my EI claim until the contract is done. Not sure if I have enough hours, but making the improved percentage is worth the risk. And, the risk that I’ll have a new contract immediately for less. Still worth it. Clerk 1 minimum wage is still more than I was making at 311. Speaking of sad budgets. Is it sad that I got almost double the amount and I barely caught up with my costs? Crossing fingers that the next cheque is going to involve less damage control.

Anyway, Lola gave me a big scare in the last couple weeks. Three boosts in two weeks. Turned out she just had a bad cold. Her battery was frozen. Luckily, it wasn’t severe enough to require the purchase of another new battery. Oh, and we realised that her coolant reservoir was dry as well. Got her boosted, carefully topped up the coolant, ran for about half hour while I ate dinner, then we took her out to get dog food. I left Mom in the car so that I didn’t have to turn her off yet. Then we took a VERY scenic route back home. She’s the grand age of seven this year. Might be time to consider retirement. Just the thinking stage though. She’s been an excellent experience for me. Don’t wanna punt her to the side like junk. She’s family, after all.

Great news: She started the next day. Three times. So proud of my girl.

Loving the refillable card the transit system has instead of paying cash. No more wondering if I have enough coin, or if I accidentally put in two tickets instead of one. Tap on, tap off - and I’m paying less too. Just have to keep an eye on my balance, that’s all.

Reconstruction of Phase 1 begins next year. We’re living in Phase 3, so still lots of time to save up. I am determined to NOT live with Mom ever again. I’ll share a property with her, but not a house. She does have the best of intentions, of course, but we are not on the same wavelength. At all. There are times that I feel trapped by her behaviour. I’ve tried to discuss it with her - adult to adult. When that doesn’t work, I get irritable. Then downright angry. Doesn’t matter. She sees herself as the victim, because that’s just the way she is and I have to live with it. (Is it worth pointing out that it’s a very changeable mindset? Alas. No. Uphill battle. Too much wasted energy.) I’ll just get a therapist. Eventually.

I will survive. I always do. Meanwhile, I dream.

Sweet Dreams!

Gong Hei Fat Choi - Year of the Rabbit

 January 22, 2023 - 14:02

Mood: Pleasant
Music: Hallelujia - KD Lang version
Thought of the Day: Whoever said 'Money can't buy happiness' doesn't know where to shop!

Book Referal of the Day: Tamsin by Peter S Beagle

 

Life has been fantastic lately. Fantastically uplifting. There's a gentle pride surrounding me and it doesn't feel fleeting, you know? Things are moving in the right direction. Good interviews, especially recently. I have been hired as Staff Support with a really good paying contract starting next week, but I am also still in the running for a FT position. Doesn't pay as much, but benefits would go a LONG way. So. Feeling really good about my ability to find a place I want to live when it's our turn to move out. (Phase 1 starts next spring and we're in Phase 3.) It's a nice feeling when bills are getting paid, and I look forward to saving on top of that. 

Lots of recovery going on, and not just financially. Physically, I'm trying my best to crack down on things. I've done it before, and I know I can do it again. Mentally, I still have some good/bad days, but the good days are improving in quality. I actually hugged my mom one day. Voluntarily. It was eye opening to touch "normal" like that. Hope my brain dips our mental toes in that water again soon. Gives me hope that I might be able to consider dating again. 

Did you ever fall in love with The Last Unicorn as a child? Apparently, Peter S Beagle is going to revisit it with a sequel called The Way Home. I'm looking forward to seeing what he does with it. It's inspiring to imagine how he will place it in the storyline. Has time passed? Characters gotten older? or will he pick up where he left off? 

My own writing is going slowly, but still going. I make sure to jot down everything that stirs my fancy. Quotes, ideas, imaginings. Everything. Got some ideas that I want to use. Just undecided if I'm going to include magic. It was supposed to be a modern 'slice of life' style. I'd also love to do a travelling article like I've posted in the past. I enjoyed that and it received a lot of great feedback.

I've been good so far about not getting carried away with hobbies. It's been difficult though. I keep seeing crafts that I want to try. I'm determined to keep it down to just the beading/wire wrapping. Feeling better energy levels to complete the craft area as well. It's going to be ready for Summer. Contemplating what to do about the Sparkle Tattoos. I really enjoy doing it. We'll see. I'll make a decision in the Spring.

I'm a little concerned that it feels like "Spring" already. Even spiders are waking up. February has been the coldest month of the year for over a decade now. Thankfully nothing is growing outside yet, but this weather has to play merry havoc with nature. As long as we don't get a blizzard in May, I'm good with that, I guess. Feels wrong on many levels, but as long as it does no harm.

Ah, it's tempting to open a window for fresh air.

Okay. Time to get some things done. Best wishes to you and yours, and, as always

Sweet Dreams!

Jingle Bell Rocks! In so many ways.

 December 24, 2022 - 20:01

Mood: Apathetic. (A sad mood for Christmas Eve!)
Music: Crackle of a wood fireplace (Yes, again.)
Thought of the day: “Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any other” - Abraham Lincoln

Well. Here we are on Christmas Eve. It's 20:05 and I have nothing wrapped. No decorations out, no cards made up or delivered. And I'm short 1 gift. Nevertheless, I am here, and I'm trying to psych myself up for "the home stretch". Not sure what happened. I was in such good spirits at the beginning of the month. Singing carols, making plans, getting things done. I've had responses to applications, had interviews and looking forward to good results coming my way. Maybe it was the lack of energy in the mall. I taxi'd my girlfriend to Kingsway mall for shopping last Sunday. No Santa, no tables/kiosks with Xmas specials, and the people traffic was damn low. Parking was EASY! What the heck? Xmas music in the mall, but not in the stores. Didn't notice much in the way of decorations either. It was like walking around Northgate (aka Northwood to some of us) Except Northgate is in sad need of repair. (If I had the money, I would buy it. It bugs me!)

Anyway! Back to psyching myself up. My missing gift recipient asked for something home-made, so I may be able to whip something up tonight. Time will tell. LOL!

Things are going okay in life. My stocks took a bit of a hit, but I'm sure they will recover. Dug a bigger hole than I like in my savings, but that's recoverable too. I feel that 2023 will start off well for me. New job, great pay. Working on vacation plans for the summer. Contemplating a new vehicle. Starting to lose weight, so thinking of new clothes in the Spring. I'm back on my vitamins, and I'm even doing yoga (from a book, but that's okay too. My crystal collection took a huge leap, thanks to the best advent calendar ever! (I love it! I want another!) Wondering if I should BBQ for New Year's. Nah. Pain to dig it out of the snow. (Mom buried it deep) Besides, there's a benefit to cooking indoors. Extra heat and yummy smells. IF I get the deck built, maybe I'll try next year. It could happen.

I'm happy. I wonder if that's actually the problem. I think I'm waiting for the shoes to start falling, and rugs being pulled. You know, I think this calls for a road trip. Bad timing, just now, but something to work out. Day trip or overnight? Time to get out and take some pictures. That's a cheerful thing for me. Take Kaylee with me. Maybe head towards my mountains. Dream of not coming back. Only a danger if I take Maggie with me.) 

I've decided to sort through my manga/comics and see what I might sell. People who help me move will thank me. I know.

Okay, so I think I have the blood flowing again. Time to get some wrapping done, and stockings stuffed. Not our biggest Xmas, but that's okay. Size isn't everything. It's the feeling behind it that counts.

From my house to yours. Merry Yule, Happy Xmas, and all the best in 2023. And don't forget to have ...

Sweet Dreams!

All ahead, full, Mr Sulu.

 December 11, 2022 - 14:12

Mood: I gots the blues, but I'm working on it.
Music: Crackle of a wood fireplace
Thought of the day: “A dream doesn’t become reality through magic; it takes sweat, determination and hard work.” - Colin Cowell

I am utterly depressed today. No clue why. I shouldn't be. I thought I was just tired the last week, but today, well. I shouldn't be depressed. It's December, I have a possible job offer on the table, I'm getting my sh*t in life together. So why am I trying to curl up in a ball so tight that my cat is concerned? A little bit is my mother - her own anxiety reactions are usually a big trigger for me. She can be the bad side of the fountain of youth. I've been adulting quite well for some time now, yet she reduces me to a young child every time I do something out of her sight.

"What are you doing?"

"Are you cooking something?"

"Is that your dinner or your lunch?"

"Are you downstairs or upstairs? Just checking."

"Is your car plugged in? You pulled too far forward and I can't see the light."

That's only a small sample. Am I an only child? No. Just the only child within reach. (insert heavy sigh)

But I don't want to complain about Mom. I don't want to focus on the negative. I want to focus on continuing the forward momentum that I had going. I had to drag myself to my desk to write something, and I'm not ashamed of that. I'm damn proud that I made myself do it. This is the road to success. It's not a highway yet, so I'm hoofing it. Tripping is a potential hazard, but not the end of the journey as long as I get back up. The scenery is whatever I need it to be. I just have to picture what I need.

I have two stories going. One I had started in High School. Another in college. Have a third on the fringes, but I haven't worked things out yet. Just a few conversations/scenes. If I'm able to go on vacations again, I plan on doing a travel blog again. I got a lot of good comments in the past about my descriptions and my articles of events. Half the magic was writing it out while I was the passenger. Not sure how I will work that magic again. I'll find a way. Or I'll pull over alot. LOL! Maybe I should look into voice recording. A different magic? Hmm. Maybe Colin's quote is slightly off target. Or maybe it's just me.

This is what I needed. Plans to do what I love, not complaints about what's holding me back.

I think I'm going to start adding book recommendations to the stats at the top.

Today's book is The Root Cellar by Janet Lunn. Historic insight and the guts to accept your situation. Wherever you are for whatever reason you're there.

If you read it, and like it, leave me a note.

Meanwhile I have to grab a book out of my library. And consider which craft to make for gifts. (Only 2 to go!)

Sweet Dreams!

Cool Runnings

 December 1, 2022 - 12:12

Mood: Calm. Not quite serene though.
Music: Crackle of a wood fireplace
Thought of the day: “Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence.” - Helen Keller.

I'm quite impressed that this page hasn't been removed. I'm glad that it hasn't. It's going to be pivotal in my regrowth. I hope. Okay, that sounds dramatic, but it could also be considered optimistic as well. I just finished reading a book trilogy that really spoke to me and it boosted my determination to do things that make me happy, so that I can grow as a person. I had taken some steps during the summer, but it only covered a certain aspect of my "Happy". Now I'm going to begin shaping another. People can talk about "baby steps" but really, only a fool tries to do everything at once. That leads to failure, more often than not.

I'm on track. And even if the movement is slow, it's going forward. A little progress is still progress. Don't let anybody tell you different. I have the tools and I have the talent. Time to work on the focus.

A huge part of my path to improvement, my road to happiness, is my calendar. No more thinking of things I'd like to do and never seem to have time for. Nope. I made a schedule. "This" needs to be done. Let's schedule it "here" and maybe "here". If that's not enough time to complete it, I'll schedule more. Right now I have about 4 or 5 projects on my calendar. Varying sizes, so there's room to add others without overwhelming myself. I firmly believe in NOT glorifying "Busy". How does life happen if you don't make time for it?

So, Christmas season is upon us! I have a healthy start to my shopping. Just need to get or make gifts for a couple more people. And the stocking stuffers. Mom has big ambitions for dinner, so I get to think about brunch. Not quite shoestring budget, but having my contract end last month was not exactly beneficial to the bank roll. Never-the-less, I have plans. And they are going to be epic happy. So there.

I don't believe in the no-win scenario.

Meanwhile, my life revolves around my three fur-kids. TJ is getting older, but slight changes have him acting much younger. I think he's making up for lost time. Still a grump though. Poor thing is the only male in the household, for what it's worth. KJ is a middle child and has her grandmother wrapped around her paw. MM is my shadow. She needs to know where I am at all times. Not glued to my hip, but she does have a happy place on my shoulder. Which used to be cuter when she was tiny. Love all my kids to bits. And they know it.

Discovering that I was half adopted made so much in my life make sense. That DNA kit was one of the best impulse buys I ever made. I'm thinking of mailing one to my father. Won't manage it for Christmas, but Father's Day is a do-able plan. He's still in denial. Never mind. DNA doesn't lie. My family tree is bigger than ever and I have no idea how to pronounce most of the new branch. Ukrainian/Polish (thanks to bouncing border lines) A new language to think about, and a war to watch.

And so goes the journey ...

Sweet Dreams

Waterlogged

March 4, 2017 - 09:35

Mood: Tired. Stressed. Wondering when I took my meds last.
Music: FB Game background music.
Thought of the day: Offering to help somebody rise means nothing if you don't stick around to make sure they are finally standing.

     They say that drowning the the gentlest way to die, but there's nothing gentle about drowning in debt. I'd been treading water quite comfortably for quite a while now and had hopes of rising further, but one small hiccup with a delayed paycheque was all it took to pull me under. Now I'm wondering when I'll be able to breath next. People say to me that maybe I need a fresh start. A fresh start? Let's count how many fresh starts I've had in the last ten years. I don't need a fresh start. You can only start the video game over and over so many times after not getting anywhere before you get tired of trying. What I need is a solid step to lifting myself up. Something that will hold me up and invite me to climb farther. Something that doesn't require me to lose everything I've got yet again so that I can start from scratch. Again. No more bubblegum and paperclip fixes. I need limits that grow with me, not fence me in, or drag me back. You can't tread water in shackles. I'm getting tired ... and the sharks are circling.

     I'm not giving up yet though. I have fur babies dependent on me. I have plants waiting to be watered. I might even have a couple friends who would notice if I suddenly disappeared. I think. Giving up is not in my nature. "I don't believe in the no-win scenario." "There is always another option." Captains with something to teach. Fictional or not, my soul agrees with these lines. So I continue to struggle. If only I had a good sword, instead of a dull pocket knife, I good fight instead of struggle. I'm not cutting into my debt, I'm muddying up the hole to make it more comfortable to sit in. Sometimes I find a rock to stand in, but it doesn't affect the hole. It just fools me into thinking that I'm standing taller. Firmer. Until it sinks in the mud that I made with my knife. Sometimes my muddy hole feels like an ocean. I wonder if land is closer than I think, if only I knew which way to look. What direction to go towards. It all looks the same under the muddied water. Bubbles churning in all directions and I thrash in an attempt to find the surface. Finally, I can take a breath, but I know it's a temporary respite.

     I am drowning. The land I thought I saw in the distance turned out to be floating garbage. Bits of plastic and tangled string that give the illusion of respite, but offers only further trouble. I take a breath and search again.

Sweet Dreams

Learning Again, Forgotten Things

Thursday, August 18, 2016 - 23:02

Mood: Calm, and content
Music: "Broken Wings" ~ Mr. Mister
Thought of the Day: Your heartbeat is the music of your soul. Listen and learn to dance again.

     Since the evening of Aug 8, I have felt a new inner calm. That Monday, I had a chat with Tavis. Made a few WTF comments, let him know how hurt I was with the back-stabbing, and how utterly sick it made me that I frequently heard him tell his girlfriend, 'I'm sorry, I fucked up again.' He says it more often than he thinks he does. Mostly I'm just frustrated with the unnecessary drama that's mostly in his girlfriend's imagination. I'm pretty sure that he'll forget half of what I said, since he has the memory of a goldfish, but he seemed sincere for most of it. What really floored me was when he lied to my face with a few answers, but I was tired of the whole drama thing. So, I gave him the last part of his birthday present. The first week was a relief. The second week was a little harder to keep my promise - but I'm one of the few people I know that keeps their promises. Stubborn too. :) So, I've been toe-ing the line, although he's acting like nothing happened. On one hand, it ticks me off, but on the other hand, it slightly amuses me. Whatever. Just whatever.

Music: "Sounds of Silence" - Simon & Garfunkle

     My new inner calm has been helping me feel grounded and centered. I have been stepping forward and visiting friends and family. I created a Journey Jar, and took my first road trip yesterday! What's a Journey Jar? Well, I needed an outlet for my stress and anxieties. I was thinking of the pictures that I used to take as I walked around Pender Island. I realised that Alberta had a lot of weird landmarks that I had never heard of, and a couple that I had heard of, but had never seen. So I decided that I would make a list of the ones that I could drive to, visit, and return home in one day. At the cost of a tank of gas, and a meal or two, it would be a rewarding trip. I could take a friend, or go alone as I needed. I would be a part-time Day Tripper. LOL! Only one trip in and I'm pleased with the results so far. Wish I could show you my decorated Jar. Can't wait for the next trip! I plan to take a trip once a month, whether I need it or not, to help me stay balanced.

     I've also created a Crafter's Group on FB. It's another excuse to get some friends together and gab while we relax with projects. We'll use the club page for ideas and encouragement!

     I've applied for work now that my medical leave has officially ended. I think I have a handle on things for now. I'm also working on trying to get back into school, if it's not too late. If it is, I'll be saving like crazy until next year. Maybe I'll be allowed to take a few computer courses towards my goal. I'm staying positive about this. The course I want should open a lot more doors for me than I might normally see with a lesser education. I'm also considering starting my own business, so my course will go towards that as well. I need to talk with Shepherd and see if I can pick up some business tips. ;) I'm really excited about being my own boss. I just have to narrow-down what would be a successful product in my small town. I've written down scads of ideas and scenarios. Still a work in progress. I'm also eye-balling Jamberry, but I'm hesitant to do another DSA. I've heard good things about it from down-to-earth, practical people, so we'll see.

     I think I have a good foundation set with these steps made. I can do this Life thing. Nut first, I need some sleep!

Sweet Dreams!

Maboroshi

August 9, 2016 - 13:03

Mood: A little scattered, but determined
Music: Sounds of Silence ~ Simon and Garfunkle
Thought of the Day: Take nothing for granted that brings you joy lest it prove to have been an illusion after all.

     My mind is having trouble focusing on the task at hand, which is Math. My goal is to complete the unit and get the tests done today. I just have to watch my hours. I'm only allowed to work on it for 9 hours a week while I'm on medical leave. I'm also waiting for a friend to show up. Time unknown. Just "early afternoon". Which is fine. If it was nicer out, I'd probably be in the yard. But it's not as nice as I'd like and keep threatening to rain. The sky actually spit on me as I brought the garbage cans in! Talk about rude. ;)

     The main reason behind my distracted thoughts lies in a revelation that shattered my world yesterday. I found myself  to be the victim of an utter betrayal that I would have previously whole-heartedly denied with pure absolute faith, if not for the proof laid before my eyes. Solid, can't-deny-what's-been-placed-before-me proof. My heart just broke - old wounds and new bleeding enough to drown me. And, once again, I actually considered making everything better by killing myself.

     Luckily, I tend to freeze in place when I'm surprised like that. "Deer in the headlights" reaction. I was able to take the time to breathe and think things out. I didn't waste too much time on the "why", I just started to put things into order and take some necessary action. An incredibly unusual action for me. I thought that I had left high school life far behind me, but it keeps finding me over and over again, no matter how often I try to deny it access. Today, I will not deny it. I'm going to put my former learning into practise.

     Hello, Columbina. I have missed you so.

     Too vague for you? No worries. It's necessary right now. It's just the way Columbina is. Don't worry, I have not gone crazy, nor have I developed multiple personalities. She's more of an alter-ego. I have a few of them. The privilege of being a writer. And right now they are all fairly angry on my behalf. So is my Grandmother. She's been keeping a close eye on me. (At least I think it's Grandma.)

    Well, back to Math and waiting for Greywhistle. Best wishes to you all. Best wishes and ...

Sweet Dreams

Finding Heart's Home

July 31, 2016 - 23:19

Mood: Serene (Believe it, or not)
Music: The Highwayman ~ Loreena McKennit
Thought of the Day: Every time you follow your Dreams, wonderful Realities will follow you! - old Ziggy cartoon

     I like being on my own. There's a sweetness to the silence that can't be found anywhere else. A satisfaction like no other. But I don't like being "alone". There are times when I ache for arms willing to hold me as long as I need, or lips to tell me, by word or deed, how beautiful I am today, at this very moment - whether I am fresh out of the shower, or sweaty from yard work. I miss being told something sincerely. I miss being wanted. THAT makes me feel lonely more than being on my own ever will. Where are you, my lover? Will I ever know you again in this life? I don't want a life that doesn't have you in it. So I will keep looking. You are out there somewhere. I know you are. Are you looking for me? Please don't give up. I need you and I miss you.

     Things with Tavis are better, but nowhere near what they had been. Sometimes I wonder if  I should feel a bit used. But, no. that would only lead to bitterness and other negativity. Should I be grateful for what he tosses to me, like scraps from the table? No. Not that either. That's demeaning and bloody pitiful. I hope to simply be accepting of the new situation and move forward with life. We're all dealing with the newness of it all still. and it has led to some good things. For him. My good things can't be far behind, right? Right? It's hard not to feel like a spare, sometimes. He's making an effort and I appreciate it. Asking for more would be selfish. And it would only confirm certain impressions that are cropping up about me in the background. Allegations that, I'm pretty sure, he's not defending me from. *sigh* Such is my life. So repetitive. Trying to change that though. Moving forward is good. Forward. It's not a race track. I can turn any direction that I wish and take my time getting to my destination. In a Mona Torretto T-shirt. Heh.

     I've finally given in and started taking the sleeping pills prescribed by my doctor. While speaking with the pharmacist, I discovered the sneaky bastard prescribed me sleeping pills that doubled as anti-depressants. The first night was scary. My body was dead weight, but I kept jerking awake in a panic. I felt a strong urge to move my arms and legs around frantically, but my body was heavy, and my eyes wanted to sleep. It was a long time before I actually went to sleep. Waking up was weird. I had trouble moving my body properly. Next night was easier. So was the next day. Crossing fingers for tonight and tomorrow. I'm on the road to recovery at last! Life is much easier when I'm not anxious. Funny how you don;t realise how bad you are until it starts to get better. Like when I first left Jade. It was months before I laughed out loud and I hadn't noticed until I actually did it. That was seven years ago. It's taken me this long to get where I am now. So sad. I was talking to one of his exes, and made a joke about suing him for damages, etc. She actually considered it. LOL! He's not worth the trouble. Really, he's not worth much of anything.

     A house is not a home until the pictures are hung up, don't you think?  Loving my bedroom the best right now. (Which is good, considering I'm learning to sleep again!) The office is almost done. Only a few pictures left to go.

     Time for cookies. :)

Sweet Dreams!