Loved, Lonely, and Blissfully Lost

March 10, 2006 – 22:36

If March is supposed to come in like a Lion, and go out like a Lamb … then what’s with all this fluffy white stuff? If it wasn’t for the whipping wind, I’d say we were going about this all backwards …

March 13, 2006 – 09:22

Ah, a day off at last … still feels funny though. Like I’m playing hooky or something. Maybe it was because my alarm (which auto resets every day) went off this morning and I just turned it off and went back to sleep. That could be it …

I’m forcing myself to write … I’ve been very depressed the past couple of days. Even the assistant trainer noticed. He asked me if things were alright … I’d been very quiet today. (Yesterday.)

It always surprises me when people say that. “You’ve been very quiet today … what’s wrong?” or something similar. 1) I hadn’t noticed because there is always so much noise going on in my head … 2) Do I really talk that much???

Thinking about it now, I think it was because I wasn’t nattering at my horses. I tend to talk at them non-stop … well, almost non-stop. It’s actually very calming for both of us, I think. I’m what I call a ‘touchy-feely’ groom. I’m always touching the horses … especially around their faces. And it’s worked … the horses are calmer around me. I’ve been told I have that kind of presence with them ... which is why I tend to get the babies. Well, Twic has the babies now … and he’s very possessive of them. I’ll have to wait until Thoroughbreds come in. I know I’ll get some then.

Anybody not understanding the reference to a Twic needs to read Damia by Anne McCaffrey. Or you can ask … Or you can do nothing and remain blissfully ignorant.

Speaking of ignorant. Somebody asked me what I thought about that man getting beaten to death on a bus. I said that I didn’t know the particulars as I didn’t watch the news very often and I didn’t have time to read the paper. (The comics don’t count!) He admitted that that may be the only way to stay happy now-a-days. Ignorance allows you to cocoon yourself away from the violence going on in the world. It leads to naivety, to be sure … but there are worse things to be.

I told Lynne the other day that even though I loved what she wrote about me, I was jealous of Scarlet’s description. She accused me of being difficult to please. I tried to explain, but I don’t know if she understood. Felt like she brushed the explanation aside … although she probably didn’t. Sometimes MSN sucks for that. You have to hope that you are interpreting the tone correctly. (I get into a lot of trouble like that – my e-mails tend to engender great outrage because somebody thinks I’m being pissy at him/her when I really wasn’t.)

So here’s my explanation. Some of it will be a repeat of what I told her …

She says that we are her best friends, but looking at the descriptions, she seems to have placed me in the “mothering” role. Now that doesn’t bother me too much as I’m frequently told that I’m a mother hen. Even Jade teases me about it. You can feel the love in my description and it gave me warm, fuzzy feelings. (Crap, did I just say that?) I was very pleased with this description …

And then I read Scarlet’s … and I had something for comparison. Comparing myself to others is a very old, bad habit that I thought I had cured myself of, but I guess it was just hiding in the back of my mind … waiting for the correct pouncing opportunity. Well, it found it.

Let me just put in here, that I’m not jealous of Scarlet herself. I don’t even know her except from Lynne’s descriptions in her ‘blog. It was the energy involved that I was jealous of. There was just so much … well, enthusiasm and exuberant joy in hers … and it reminded me that my description was based on events that happened well over a year or more ago.

Maybe jealous is the wrong word … maybe I’m just envious. Scarlet is where I want to be. Spending time with my best friend.

It occurs to me that maybe Lynne tones herself down for me. I know that she tones down the language for me, because I find foul language disturbing. (I’ve gotten better about it though … I don’t flinch at it anymore.) So maybe that’s why my description was so … “quiet”. The comparison also painfully reminded me that our schedules don’t allow us much opportunity to see each other. Our schedules and my lack of a vehicle. So my envy, combined with my loneliness for my friend, made me miserable enough that I tried to say something … I even tried to be humourous about it, because isn’t that how everybody tries to brush aside their negative feelings? With humour? (Sometimes coming out as sarcasm, but I’ve been MUCH better with that lately too. Mostly because there is nobody to be sarcastic to.)

So, yeah … I’m lonely … that pretty much sums it all up. Lonely and broke. * sigh *

Moving on …

Keep getting into arguments with Kid at work. I’m not the only he’s rubbing the wrong way, but I’m the only one he’s vocal at. He’s quite abusive in his rants … and he’s very prejudiced about groom school students. Why? I’m not sure, BC doesn’t have them as far as I’ve heard – and that’s one of the tracks he’s from. (Groom students) think they know everything, he says. They never listen to us. “Us?” Who is “us”? Toots says he seems to think he’s a trainer extraordinaire … but he’s just a groom like us … one that helps out with the jogging. Well, so what? She asks … she can jog too if she really wanted to go out there … and so could I. Kid tried to impress me with his great wisdom by telling me that he’s had way more experience because he quit school to do this job.

Wrong move.

Quitting school doesn’t impress me. For any reason. Especially when you are a trainer’s son that could have finished school while helping out Dad and still been guaranteed a “cushy” job with him. There are so many ways to take courses now that there really is no excuse for “quitting” and I challenge anybody to make me change my mind.

I don’t know what he means about not listening though … I do listen to what he tells me about the horses ...and I pass it on to Our Fearless Leader. He’s the one that signs the cheques … he gets the final say in what to do with the horses. If he chooses to “poo-poo” Kid’s advice, well, that’s his prerogative.

Personally, I think anybody who uses language like that so casually and so often is just plain ignorant. It shows a severe lack of vocabulary or of intelligence to come up with a more witty reply … Which may be why it upsets me so much. I can’t possibly be surrounded by that much stupidity when I step outside my home. Ignorance may be bliss, but one person’s bliss is another person’s torment.

Which has always been why I felt that Heaven can’t really exist as people have seen it over the centuries. Not possible.

So we’ve gone from my personal “Hell” to my visions of “Heaven” …

Moving on again …

Nobody, by comments or e-mail, made any comment about my apology in a previous entry. I was surprised, to say the least. I thought at least one citizen of this fair municipality would have made a remark about it. Especially Daniel. Perhaps it’s true then, that I only have two readers. A pity … but I’m glad for them at least.

* blows kisses, smiles and waves at Lynne and Ellen*

Just downloaded Spybot - S&D software. My connection has been slow today and I wondered if I had picked up some spyware that Norton wasn’t picking up. Surprisingly, it didn’t pick up anything – except two possible security problems. I fixed them, but I may not have needed to. Not if there isn’t any spyware at all. Perhaps Norton was all I needed in the first place. Well, if nothing shows up in the next little while, then I can always un-install the Spybot program.

I need better speakers for my computer … I’m trying to listen to my CD’s and there’s just not enough voloume … Which is odd for me to say. I don’t normally listen to loud music in the first place. But when you can’t even hear it over the light clacking of the keyboard keys … well, it’s not enough volume.

I’m also told that I need a web cam. Hah. There are times when I just don’t want to be seen … lonely or not. Might get one anyway though. Considering my lack of visiting people, it would be the only time some people get to see me! The Shepherd and Star are the only ones who see me fairly regularly, and Shepherd still complains that I don’t show up for a lot of things. Nag, nag, nag …

Getting excited about San Diego in July … making plans about what we’d like to do while we’re there and there has been talk about costumes. I thought they were referring to the Dawn Contest that Jade wants me to enter … nope … they are wondering whether we should dress up for the convention itself.

Egad.

Then there was talk about dressing up as characters from the comic, Fable … I’ve never even heard of it. I thought they were referring to something else. If Jade chooses to follow along with that plan, he’ll do it without me, because I won’t dress up as a person that I don’t know.

I think it’s kinda sad that I had to say that … * shakes head*

My keyboard needs to be cleaned up … and cleaned out. I’m sure that it’s full of crumbs. Whatever happened to the person who was very careful with food around the keyboard? I used to have a rule about food near the computer … have I grown so casual with it? Sugoi … Oh, well, even if not the crumbs, then the dust would need to be blown out anyway. I just don’t like taking things apart to clean them … they never seem to go back together the same way that they had been. Yup, definite reluctance …

Just noticed something while I was looking at pics of me from holidays … I’ve spent a lot of time and energy getting my weight back down and I’ve got my small waist back. Granted, even when I was heavier, I had a nice figure, but I’ve got my small waist back … I need say no more. Anyway, I was noticing that small waist or not, I still tend to look heavier than I am in pictures … because my arms are generally crossed or held close to my body. You can’t SEE my waist! * snort* … The things I do to myself.

Costumes … costumes … I think I’ll just go as Casey from SiP. Jade promised me a T-shirt that she wears and I think that’ll satisfy my need to blend in and my need to participate. It means two pony tails, but we all make our sacrifices. I plan on getting terry Moore to sign the shirt too. I thought about getting him to sign my bra (inside comic joke) but then I figured I wouldn’t be able to actually show it off … hee hee. Meanwhile, I’m thinking about a Dawn costume … I think I’ve found it, but how the heck to MAKE it???? * sigh* I feel more money being spent.

Lynne, I wish you were coming to San Diego too. I want you to go to the zoo with us. It’s supposed to be the best zoo in the world.

Yeah, I know … I’ll keep dreaming. If I win the lottery though … pack your bags!

Sweet Dreams