... And I Am Not Dead

March 16, 2008 - 15:05

Mmmmm ... Chocolate chip cookies ... They're best when they are soft and chewy. They are bestest when they are fresh from the oven and almost cooled. Mmmm ... Yup, gotta bake next weekend.

Jade actually did my taxes early this year. Usually he puts it off until the last week. The last half of the last week. Actually, last year, I think he did them late. So I was very happy to see him doing them early. I was even happier with the result. The richest plum of them all. (For me, anyway.) Cally, I now have proof that you can do PartyLite while you are on maternity and the government won't ding you.

So! I'm doing this Jump Rope For Heart to raise money for the Heart and Stroke Foundation and to honour and show support for Albert. I am deeply disappointed with the response (or lack of) that I have been getting in regards to this event. I have a deep suspicion that I'll be jumping all by myself, despite having 5 Maybes on my Facebook Event Invite. "Maybe" on Facebook is generally a polite way of saying "no" without the guilt of saying "no". I've had one person promise to sponsor money. One. Out of about, what? sixty people asked? That's very sad. But I'm not going to give it up. I'm going to do it. I'm going to invite local media, if they wish to come. And if they wonder why I'm alone, well, their answer is as good as mine.

I don't know.

I'm having problems with my wedding too. Mostly outside jeering, but I don't care about them either. This is My Day. Mine, and Jade's. Not theirs. If you don't like what we're doing, or how we're doing it. Don't come. Easy, and simple, and everybody is happy. But, my dress is completely paid for, the Hall is practically picked, and I've allowed to mother to be in charge of the bridal shower. I've also asked her to help me with the flowers. I've also had to make a very painful decision and I hope it goes over well. If not, well, then I didn't have the respect I thought I had, hoped I had ... and we're better off going off in different directions.

By the way ... "Don't forget to shop around and compare prices" <----- IRRITANT!
A lack of husbands doesn't mean that I lack experience or common sense. This is me you're talking to. I'm the one that my friends' mothers all liked because I was level-headed and sensible. (Or brainwashed ... depending on who you talked to!) Give me some credit. Why let the blonde hair fool you Now? You boobie!

My weight loss if finally showing some small success ... I stopped eating Lean Cuisine. I was guided in this decision by the hives that suddenly developed one morning as I finished the last few hours of my shift. They faded over the weekend and the returned on my first shift back. So, out went the frozen dinners. I don't know why it took so long to get a reaction from them, but it did. We think it was the salmon in the entree that set me off. Not sure why. I had salmon for dinner a couple nights before that with no problems. *shrug* All I know is that my wildcat theory that "skinny food" just makes you fat is being proven. Especially after that report of Diet soft drinks having a fattening effect came out. Talk about timing!

Let's see ... where were we? No where, really, I guess.

It's been a while again since my last confes- ... um ... update. I'm just a bit lazy, I guess. That and I find myself uninspired to write. I never could write when I felt confined or pushed or tense about something. There has to be a flow. And it's been a very long time since I felt that flow. That need to write something down before I forget it. There have been small sparks, but they've been weak ... burning out before they could ignite even the smallest passion. Any writing I do now is out of duty or seems more like pure rant. Soap box spews.

This is not where I want to be in my Life. Not now. Not ever. It's taking a bit of time, but I'm slowly finding my bits of freedom. They are short, but all the sweeter for it. Something to be cherished. They allow me to float up a bit from my personal dark, dank hell. Sometimes I even manage to find the sun. Mostly I keep to the corners, trying to avoid being seen, and yet daring to touch the moonlight.

Hmm, that was a good sign ... maybe I'll get some creative juices flowing this week when the house is "quiet". Maybe I'll finally get my desk cleaned up and keep it like that. Maybe I'll finally be able to deal with some storage issues ...

And maybe I'll win the lottery and change the locks on the doors.

It could happen.

Maybe.

In my Dreams ...

Work is still going well at the hotel. Last week I had a hockey team flirting with me. I've never blushed more in my life. I hope I actually looked good and didn't just have a "great personality". Not that that is a bad thing either ...

The PartyLite ... I still love it. I have no urge to quit in the slightest, but it's getting difficult to keep my sales up because I'm not "breaking out of my comfort zone." I'm having trouble getting Hostesses/Guests outside of my usual inner circle - and my inner circle wasn't that big to begin with. Tomorrow, I'm supposed to participate in my Unit's St. Patrick Day Booking Blitz. I should be looking forward to the fun like everybody else. It's a way to increase your monthly number of parties, and therefore your sales/income, but I never seem to have any luck with these. It also will be less fun because I have to work later than night as well. I'll be doing this from home. This means that I am giving up my nap time too. Something I usually need before work so that I stay awake for the whole shift.
I admit that I'm not looking forward to this Blitz - which means I've already shot myself in the foot, I know. I just feel unsupported. I feel like I've fallen back into an old role where nobody sees Me and the struggles I'm going through. I don't want somebody to do everything for me (nice as that may seem). I've never appreciated that kind of coasting-thru-life. But it would sure be nice to have somebody understand and urge/cheer me on ... from somewhere a little closer than the sidelines. Somebody who will check on my progress now and then to make sure I'm keeping things up. I don't want somebody to spout the same info at me over and over again in hopes that the same speech will rally my courage and my confidence. I feel alone. And I know that if I confess that, I'll get told that I am not and made to feel guilty and crazy and lazy for not asking for help.

Please take note that in order to ask for help, one has to believe that it will be given. To ask for help when you don't think anybody will help you is a severe sign of desperation. At least, I think it is. Futile expressions of your own hopelessness. Thrashings of a drowning person.

It's sad that I am capable to diagnosing myself (based on what I can see and recognise) but can't do anything about it. Once upon a time I thought that I could heal myself - and maybe I was actually managing to slowly do it - but then I moved out here. With Them. And Life has gone to pot for me since.

People keep telling me to just move out. Leave.

No.

First of all, it's not that simple. Second of all, I'll be damned if I will retreat before this obstacle. Nothing is won by running away from something just because you don't think you can win. No. I'm not leaving. Not unless a better opportunity presents itself.

Gosh, an awful lot depends on winning the lottery. LOL!

18:05
Just finished supper. Dona wouldn't eat with us because I pissed her off. She tried to hug me and I shrugged her off. She asked if I was mad at her, and I said 'no'. Then she stalked off and you could hear her muttering downstairs about me. I've told her that I don't like it when she hugs me. She does it anyway. Maybe now she'll remember.

Maybe ...

Nah, I don't think so either.

Sweet Dreams!