Friends for Low Places

December 08, 2008 - 12:08

It's a bit later than it should be and I'm going to get in trouble if Jade happens to see this, but I wanted to get this down, or at least started.

I had a fairly wonderful day today. Jade had an event in town and instead of driving all the way home again after, he came over to my place and spent what was left of the night with me ... and most of the morning. Everything felt good and right while he was there. It's the kind of feeling that you can get a buzz off of. When he finally left, the place actually felt empty. I threw myself into some work that needed to be done about the place, but made the mistake of watching a sobby chick flick while I was working ... which was a bad move. Never let me watch sobby chick flicks during Hormone week.

So, was feeling a bit low and allowed myself to be nudged lower by something stupid ... and then finally did something smart. Instead of wallowing in the deluge of my depression and hoarding my fears, I got a hold of Jade and we hashed things out. As usual, he made things better for me.

But he also made a point ... he said that I tended to hold people at a distance. Always have, he said, and it hasn't gotten any better over the years. Do I really? I'll have to give this some thought ... I've always had a bit of a built-in cloaking device. Once had a teacher tell my Mom that she often forgot that I was in the class room until I actually said something. Didn't matter where I sat ...

Maybe it's because moving so much made it hard to integrate properly and I've never really learned. Maybe I've been dumped too often - apparently, I'm boring. Maybe it's part of my low (but improving) self-esteem ... maybe it's about control. Maybe I only try to get close to people I click with ... I don't know. I'm willing to hear theories and observations.

Meanwhile, I'd better get to bed ... I need a shower in the morning! And 06:30 come awful fast!

Sweet Dreams!
I know mine will be!