A Happy New Year ... Would Be a Nice Change of Pace

(aka Where Have All the Aliens Gone?)

December 29, 2009 - 00:13

So, I meant to have a nice Solstice message put up, but my Mom tends to take over the computer when she visits with me. Doesn't matter if it's my computer or hers. She's on it. And when she's not, she's asking me to hurry what I'm doing so she can get back on it.

Escape much?

Anyway, I've been to Vancouver and back. Decent enough place, but I wouldn't want to live there. (Sorry, Sonnet, but it's true.) Such a tiny place my parents are renting there. Again, decent enough, if you ignore the fact that the only bathroom is the ensuite. Yep, you have to go through the bedroom to get to it. The front door is incredibly insecure. Even when it's closed, and locked, you can still see the light (and feel the chill) coming around the door. The sound barrier is non- existant between us and the landlord upstairs. And she ALWAYS wears shoes in the house. She's also a pot-head. You could smell it for three nights out of the five I was there. The first night was horrible ... it not only came in the apartment through the furnace ducts, it just billowed outside when I had to take the dog out.

For those of you who don't recall, pot gives me nose bleeds. Luckily, the exposure was minimal.

I had a bit of trouble containing my hormones and got cranky ... often. Mostly when I was tired or hungry. I really did try though. And I told Mom it was PMS so that she didn't let it bother her too much. Apparently, she didn't believe me ... and the look on her face when she saw me take a pad into the bathroom was quite priceless. She's forgotten how much wilder the swings are when I'm off "the pill." Quite frankly, so had I.

My own inner turmoil hasn't helped much either. I've been told that I'm a very brave person with a really big heart and I had made a huge sacrifice to be here to do what I can for my parents. Many people have said this to me. Unfortunately, things haven't been working out as planned, and I can't help the feelings of remorse, self-castigation, and ... thinking that Jade was right. I'm just a loser. Doomed to deal with failures in all aspects of life.

Now, before you get your fingers typing to defend me against myself, I must point out that I KNOW that none of that negative stuff in true. Honestly. But PMS aside, I am still a human being ... and I mourn the fact that I can't do more, never mind what I had intended AS I had intended it. I'm supposed to be covering all aspects here ... rent, utilities, the pets, maintenance of the home ... and I can't. My parents have been supporting me almost entirely. The job I was supposed to have when I got here, didn't happen. I put out resumes, and word of mouth pleas. It wasn't until recently that I was called for an interview, and I've squeezed out every possible penny that I could in the meantime. I wasn't chosen for the applied for position, but my resume was passed on for consideration of another. A position that won't start for another few months. None of this is my fault, I know ... but still ...

I have never felt so doomed. Helpless, I'm used to ... but this feeling of doom ... As of June 1, I have no money. None. What space I have left on my credit cards will go towards food, some PartyLite, and one more payment towards an ongoing bill from home. I have no further income at the moment. Not unless a few juicy orders gets put through my website. And that doesn't seem to be happening either. I have almost 100 customers on file ... and nobody has placed an order since my arrival here. I can't seem to find the right enticement. I've tried sales, contests, charity drives, but nothing seems to work. To be blunt, I haven't had an order go through since August. I finally had two solid leads make their starts ... and I can't even claim them. They'll go under my leader's name. The level of frustration is so high right now that I don't understand why nothing is exploding. And I have nothing to focus my blame on, but myself. No target to draw some of the fire. I can't handle the levels much longer. If I don't get a positive break soon, I'm going to burn out ... but nobody will notice the smoke. Aren't I always on fire?

Okay, okay ... enough of the motional dump. It's good to get it out, but it can go too far, I know.

I'm going to get some sleep and work a few things out in my head. Things will turn out all right in the end. After all, I have my invincibility spell. "Everything is going to be alright." Eventually. I will make it happen.

But first ... some sleep.

Sweet Dreams.

Hooked on a Feeling

December 15, 2009 - 18:39

I admit that I feel quite depressed lately. Abandonned. Like everybody is getting on with their lives and I'm not a part of it. Except maybe as a small thought ... a nudge. A blip on the screen.

Maybe it's just that it's Christmas. More than likely that's it. Maybe tonight I'll go through the decorations more thoroughly and find the twinkle lights ... and put them up in the windows. That might be nice. A bit if a pick me up. No tree, but I can set something up all the same if need be. If I had presents.

Got some cards mailed out. Almost got me in the mood. The snow was wonderful too, even if it only lasted a day. It's pouring rain right now.

I say it again. I live in Forks. I swear.

I feel slightly trapped here ... having to depend on my very kind neighbours for most of my needs because I don't have a vehicle, and still don't have a job. It's ... it's depressing. Demoralising.

I am getting small things accomplished. The house feels ... well, smoother. It flows. Ripley is starting to behave himself. He still has a couple bad habits ... like his begging ... but he seems to be getting happier. He's settling in. He's learned to share too. He gave Spot fleas.

Guess who Spot sleeps with?

I think that loneliness is the greatest factor here. I would have had the lights up sooner if I had somebody to help me with it. Somebody to laugh and giggle with and share a few mugs of hot chocolate with after. Somebody to TALK to!!

I'm tired of being alone.

Sweet Dreams ... they're all I have left.

Dream a Little Dream

December 9, 2009 - 01:40

Dad Update: Back in the hospital today for possible internal bleeding. I blame the blood thinners. Yesterday, he was coming back from a party and fell. Since he was at a party in the hospital, they threw him into x-ray to make sure nothing was broken. Nope. Just swollen.
I really should be in bed and sleeping, but I still have half a can of pop and I don't want to waste it. It's Barq's! :)

I'm contemplating sleeping in the day bed as opposed ot the king size. The room is warmer (wood stove in here) and its more comfortable. The kingsize bed really isn't comfortable, it's damn cold (although cozy enough in the blankets) and anybody walking to the front door can look straight in. Still, all three animals have a habit of sleeping with me (if not ON me) and the King size accomadates us all better.

*sigh* A kingsize bed is such a waste for just one person.

Had my job interview at last and I felt really good about it. I felt very comfortable with the ladies who were "interrogating" me :) and they seemed to genuinely like me back. There's the chance that I might have to wait until mid-January to start, but it'll be worth the wait. If I don't get the job, I'm being considered for at least two other positions, so I'm very hopeful. Still, I'd love the one I applied for.

I came out of that interview feeling the need to celebrate. It was a good feeling. If I get the job, I've been told that have to karaoke ... Hmmm ...

Been having trouble with migraines lately, and I don't know if it's because I'm clenching my jaw, or if I'm clenching my jaw because of the igraine and making it worse. Hard to tell some days. I know my shoulders are tense, so that's not helping either.

*sigh* I need that job!!

I also need a car. I'm glad that I have a neighbour or two that is more than willing to help, but I always feel guilty about asking. One couple especially has practically adopted me. They drove me to Sidney so that I could get to the bank, they take me shopping, invite me to 'tea', supply me with wood, and drove me to my interview. I'm not sure what I can offer them for thanks, but I'm working on it.

I wonder if anybody would notice if I didn't come home again?

Time for bed ...

Sweet Dreams!

Thoughts For the Day ... and Beyond

December 4, 2009 - 16:31

Today's Thought: It appears that my ass has left me. I hope it managed to find somebody who needs it, and will love it, more than I did.

For those of you who haven't noticed, and technically, you all haven't, I've been very bouncy lately. Life right now is very good. It's not perfect yet, but it's very good.

First, and foremost, I have a job interview for a FT job. First FT job I'll have had in years, and it's going to feel very good. It's a desk job, but it'll be doing something that I'm very good at. Organizing, arranging, and coming up with some good ideas. I'm going to SO be in my element. It means that I'll need to go out and get a few nice clothes, but I'm good for now. I mean really, who's going to notice that I currently only have one pair of black slacks and one black skirt? Nobody has caught on yet!

With this job, I can get a vehicle ... and I'll be SO happy. You have NO idea! Thoughts are in the works there ...

My parents almost decided to give up on keeping this house and stay on the mainland, caving in to the doctor's demands. Luckily, a few wiser relatives prevailed. They are not going to give up the house. It helped that the social worker agreed with us too. Mom needs the island. She does NOT need to start over yet again when she finally had something good.

Also, and this has had the brightest effect on me, I got a text that woke me up at 06:00 this morning. I couldn't even get mad over it. He'shomeHe'shomeHe'shomeHe'shomeHe'shomeHe'shomeHe'shome! He's HOME! It's not here, but it's that much closer. I'm hoping that I can talk him into visiting soon. I know it won't be right away though. He just got back. He's got a bit of work to do, so that he can catch up on things like bills. Trust me, I know the feeling.

But he's home ...

I didn't get back to sleep after. I'm not even feeling it. Talk about riding a natural high.

The house is clean (in as much as it can be in a place where you can't keep up with the pet dander/dust), the rain has stopped, and Ripley has been a very good boy lately. VERY good. Kinda makes me fond of him. Almost. Sorta.

This is all happening at the same time! The only thing that could be better wold be if my little business started to do something. It didn't help things that I had to leave my product behind ... but hopefull yhe New Year will see bigger and better things for me in that regard. I want to say that "Everything is going so well!" but I'm afraid of jinxing it. :)

Still ... it does seem to be.

Now if only I had a lover who was HERE ...

Sweet Dreams!