(aka The Aliens Stole My Barq's!!)
February 27, 2011 - 02:47
Music in my head during the day: Little happy tunes and old ditties.
Mood: Feeling a bit pleasant. The non-chemical induced kind. Fragile feeling though ... easily nudged.
[Solution: Need to get laid. :) Or drink Barq's. ... Barq's is cheaper.]
Music: A Beautiful Goodbye - Amanda Marshall
I had things to say today ... forgotten them in the few minutes it too to set up the above bits. Ha ... Ah, well, it IS almost three in the morning. I should think about bed. ... Okay, I thought about it. :)
I'm going to start with the good news ... Since I last talked about stepping on a scale, I have lost ten pounds. I haven't done much to change my diet. I'm drinking more water, which means less pop. I'm snacking on Fibre1 bars ... and I'm trying to remember to eat breakfast.
We got rid of a lot of items today. Many of Albert's things went to good homes today. I was happy to let them go to these guys because I knew that they would be taken care of. Otherwise, I would have raided the boxes and hoarded the items that were special to Albert. I don't have the room for that. I don't have the room for my own crap. :)
I miss him very much. There was nobody I could depend on more for answers on any topic ... to share my geeky joys in various areas ... and he was the one person who quietly believed that I could do anything. The last bit is especially painful because he didn't start to share that until a few years ago. He didn't start my joy in singing, but he broadened my experiences in it. He wrote music for me. <3 It irritated him when words were pronounced incorrectly, however innocently it was done. He loved the fact that I shared a love of writing with him, although his poems were mostly only shared with Mom. Our interests brought us to work in similar places, but none brought him more pride than my work at Northlands. He even cheered me on with my PartyLite work, and encouraged people around him to purchase from me. :)
He wanted me to sing. I working on getting lessons to teach me solo singing.
He wanted me to write. I have a few things in the works. And ideas for more.
He wanted me to be happy ... Well, two out of three isn't bad. :) But I'm working on that too.
He took my dreams/intuition seriously. Nobody else ever believed in me in that area like he did.
Anyway, some of his items have a new happy home. I'm glad.
Music: Dragonheart Theme. (He wasn't one, in Chinese Astrology, but I think he held a lot of dragon-like characteristics. I wonder if he can see them now.)
My website for PartyLite is back up at last! I've also been accepted to join the ladies in my unit in the Trade Show at the Ex this year. WHOOP! New chances abound.
I haven't heard from Lavender since my last rant. I hope she's okay. She's given so many people so many chances that I can't believe that she's just drop me for expressing myself. I think I tried to be fair in my writing. (I say 'I think' because the memory of what I wrote is vague ...) And since I can't believe that she would just drop me without saying anything, I must therefore believe that she hasn't. I been a bit pre-occupied lately, and haven't sent more than a couple texts out to her ... I'm hoping that she got them. I'm getting used to my messages not being received though. I'll try again later. Maybe on Monday when have time off and don't feel so scattered. Still, I haven't received any e-mail since then either. But she had some bad news at the same time too ...
I hope everything is okay. Love you, Lavender. Honest. Be well.
My children are back home and together again. Well, Ashley was the only one missing, but she and Spot haven't developed any fondness for each other in the meantime. :) I'm a little disappointed that she hasn't learned anything in the year that my Aunt was looking after her. Nothing. In fact, I'd had to re-teach her a couple things ... :(
(For those who are new, Ashley is an African Grey. Congo, I believe. That's how she got her name ... Ash = Grey. Lea from me, but spelled different. And it could be for a male or female, as we didn't know what she was at the time.)
I'll have some alone time coming up as Mom has to fly out to help my adopted grandparents for a few weeks. But she promised to pay rent while she was gone. :) I'll be taking that time to find my happy place again and get 'grounded' in my new 'aerie'. (I've never lived this high up before.) I'll be going out later to help her drive home again.
Goals for the week:
I'm going to finish organizing my crap ... I mean, my belongings. Get the last of my clothes into my closet. Get my craft station set up, my comics tucked into a safe place and my other office things organized. Also, get the last of my mangas on shelves (which means fixing that one shelf ... which means purchasing wood glue.)
I'm Going to Vacuum!!
Oh! Speaking of "children" ... Simon is doing very well at his new place with my friends on Pender, but Ripley has had another change. The lady who was watching him, and then fell in love and adopted him, passed away at the beginning of the month. that poor dog has more stamps in his doggy passport. But do not mourn for him, because he's gone from a two acre home on one island, to a four acre home on another. The Lady's son and daughter-in-law have happily taken him in. He now shares his home with a cat, a golden retriever, and soon, dwarf goats and chickens. Can you envision the terror that will cause? LOL!
Sweet Dreams!
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
"This is the Face of a Woman on the Edge."
February 16, 2011 - 23:37
Mood: Edgy (Well, it's a word now!), and hungry/craving ... still sick.
Music: Isn't any. Probably should be.
The only response I got from my last post, was a phone call. (Which was funny, given that I could barely talk.) Thanks for checking on me, Shorty ... still not sure how you thought I was talking about you in that one description though.
Just as well ... One shouldn't expect anything good to come out of a rant like that when you have friends who read what you are writing. Still, it was hurting more to keep it all in, and I felt so much better after. It was a needed release. I tried to contain it to polite standards, although it may be hard to tell. I'm not even sure what all I wrote, but I won't go back to check. That's something that shouldn't be read more than once. It's in the past, and that's where I'd like to leave it. If anybody feels the need to discuss it, I'm open, but I will not be ashamed for venting my feelings. As I've said before, and as I say each time this journal has been moved to a new site ... this is my journal. It's not an entertainment piece, although it can be. I try to be careful about who I invite to read it ... people who know me fairly well and can understand me better through this, if they sit back and actually listen. This is my Voice. This is where I get to be me, and not worry (too much) about whether I'm saying something wrong, or if it will be accepted. Sometimes I have a harsh view. That's part of me. If you truly love me, then you will accept that part of me too. It doesn't come out all that often, but never forget that its there. And I did offer a warning ... I'm hoping that the lack of response is because everybody saw the warning of Irrational Venting ... and just didn't read.
I am still in a bad head-space, and I really don't know why. Maybe it's because I'm sick. Again. Which is unusual. I can normally walk through a room of coughing, etc people and not catch so much as a sniffle. Now I've been sick twice sine coming home. Could be stress, I guess. Still, I'm not sure why I'm wound up so tight. Money? Nothing stresses me more than money ... but really, I'm better off now than I've been in years. New bed, new computer, clean, stable place, little to no bills. Still have Spot's devotion. Am I picking up Mom's stress? Possible ... she's restless with no focus. Nagging at me to get my things organised, even though this is my first day off and I was resting up to get better. She was constantly on the computer today too, which is unusual, but I was catching up on some shows I had recorded ...
Worked on alphabetizing my mangas in my room last night. I wasn't sleepy, and I thought I'd get something done why I had a bit of energy. Got near the end and started to notice missing issues. Then I realised that I was missing more than half of two series, as well as an entire series ... I'm missing a damn box of manga. If you don't know me, I will tell you now ... THIS IS AN EMERGENCY.
So far, everything that has been missing has been reported as "It fell and broke." Still waiting to hear what happened to my corning ware too ...
Anyway, I am attempting to remain calm, in hopes that the missing pieces are in a box with something else. It could happen ... Right? Please?
So ... stress ... I'm supposed to finishing my visit with Jill right now ... but she hasn't even shown up yet. I know I haven't mis-counted ... trying to stay calm, just in case it's stress, but really ... still not sure what I am so messed up about. I'm just not happy.
Damn. And I was doing so well, for a while.
Maybe it's the lack of Barq's ... need more chocolate? More sex couldn't hurt ...
Sweet Dreams ...
Mood: Edgy (Well, it's a word now!), and hungry/craving ... still sick.
Music: Isn't any. Probably should be.
The only response I got from my last post, was a phone call. (Which was funny, given that I could barely talk.) Thanks for checking on me, Shorty ... still not sure how you thought I was talking about you in that one description though.
Just as well ... One shouldn't expect anything good to come out of a rant like that when you have friends who read what you are writing. Still, it was hurting more to keep it all in, and I felt so much better after. It was a needed release. I tried to contain it to polite standards, although it may be hard to tell. I'm not even sure what all I wrote, but I won't go back to check. That's something that shouldn't be read more than once. It's in the past, and that's where I'd like to leave it. If anybody feels the need to discuss it, I'm open, but I will not be ashamed for venting my feelings. As I've said before, and as I say each time this journal has been moved to a new site ... this is my journal. It's not an entertainment piece, although it can be. I try to be careful about who I invite to read it ... people who know me fairly well and can understand me better through this, if they sit back and actually listen. This is my Voice. This is where I get to be me, and not worry (too much) about whether I'm saying something wrong, or if it will be accepted. Sometimes I have a harsh view. That's part of me. If you truly love me, then you will accept that part of me too. It doesn't come out all that often, but never forget that its there. And I did offer a warning ... I'm hoping that the lack of response is because everybody saw the warning of Irrational Venting ... and just didn't read.
I am still in a bad head-space, and I really don't know why. Maybe it's because I'm sick. Again. Which is unusual. I can normally walk through a room of coughing, etc people and not catch so much as a sniffle. Now I've been sick twice sine coming home. Could be stress, I guess. Still, I'm not sure why I'm wound up so tight. Money? Nothing stresses me more than money ... but really, I'm better off now than I've been in years. New bed, new computer, clean, stable place, little to no bills. Still have Spot's devotion. Am I picking up Mom's stress? Possible ... she's restless with no focus. Nagging at me to get my things organised, even though this is my first day off and I was resting up to get better. She was constantly on the computer today too, which is unusual, but I was catching up on some shows I had recorded ...
Worked on alphabetizing my mangas in my room last night. I wasn't sleepy, and I thought I'd get something done why I had a bit of energy. Got near the end and started to notice missing issues. Then I realised that I was missing more than half of two series, as well as an entire series ... I'm missing a damn box of manga. If you don't know me, I will tell you now ... THIS IS AN EMERGENCY.
So far, everything that has been missing has been reported as "It fell and broke." Still waiting to hear what happened to my corning ware too ...
Anyway, I am attempting to remain calm, in hopes that the missing pieces are in a box with something else. It could happen ... Right? Please?
So ... stress ... I'm supposed to finishing my visit with Jill right now ... but she hasn't even shown up yet. I know I haven't mis-counted ... trying to stay calm, just in case it's stress, but really ... still not sure what I am so messed up about. I'm just not happy.
Damn. And I was doing so well, for a while.
Maybe it's the lack of Barq's ... need more chocolate? More sex couldn't hurt ...
Sweet Dreams ...
Monday, February 14, 2011
Caution: Blunt Truth ... it's in Here
*Disclaimer* Blunt Truth Ranting ... it may not be pretty. You will probably be offended. Pinch some salt, and don't hold it against me. We all need to erupt our irrationalities at times. (Irrational ... operative word there.) Don't say I didn't warn you.
February 14, 2011 - 01:31
Mood: Sombre
Music: Echoes of OtR performances in my head ... hey, there are worse things.
I'm high on cough syrup, and running close to empty, but I've got words bouncing around in my skull and I think it may prove beneficial to get them out. For me, at least. Between the cough syrup, and the PMS mood swings, I'm feeling a bit low. There are other reasons ... not sure if I wanna touch on them though. I'll feel guilty tomorrow ... but for now, I need to sleep.
I'm feeling spectacularly un-special at the moment. Little things that shouldn't matter anymore have been popping up and haunting me lately. Like just how badly my monster-in-law tried to destroy me ... and how much damage she was actually allowed to accomplish. How my brother seems determined to offer me similar respect All the missing things that I have been wondering about? Oh. They "fell and broke". Right. And now I'm hearing that the items I had thought were being saved for me on Pender until I can get them back may be "gone" as well. Does the pain ever end? Family is supposed to be a person's core of strength. They are the ones you are supposed to be able to depend on. If they weren't, you wouldn't consider your bestest of best friends "family", right? That's how it works, isn't it? So, what am I doing wrong?
It bothers me that I can't keep a man in my life. They all leave me. All of them. Not one has held on. Fathers, sons, brother(s), lovers and friends. Poof. (Well, okay, one tries to hold on, but it appears to be a selfish grasp. Still, any port in a storm, I suppose. He's trying to prove it's not selfish, but he's failing miserably so far. I keep wondering if I should pass him a shovel, but ... no.)
I've had a few people tell me what a strong influence I was on them when they really needed somebody. I was a voice of reason in an insane world.
One said I was his anchor ... and that I was his best friend. A very important person in his life. He dropped out of my life not long after that. He just didn't want to know about it anymore.
Another one claimed that I saved his life ... he said that he was ready to end it, when he suddenly heard my voice telling him that he'd better not. I brought this up, once, when I was feeling low and needed a bit of reassurance that I was a worthy person. (Yes, I fish for compliments. I admit it.) He had no clue what I was talking about. So ... how special am I now?
Another friend ... I appeared to be her only true friend. She didn't have many friends, that I could see, but I would drop everything to go to her when a friend was needed. I even gave her money to help her out, even though I really could have used that money later. I was totally self-less with her. She was a large person, and treated me fairly well ... and then she suddenly lost a lot of weight, and she wasn't so pretty anymore. I was quickly lost in a wash of new found shallow admirers. She was secretive, silent, and selfish ... but I was the 'bitch' who said 'enough'.
One has lost my trust, and isn't doing a credible job of getting it back. She had the nerve to tell me that I was over-reacting to the pain she caused me. Apparently, it was just a little thing.
So many people around me right now ... taking, taking, taking ... asking for healing, the right words, advice. Well, who heals the healer? I was with these people in their lowest moments. Maybe I was there for other people as well (it's possible. I can be fairly oblivious at times, in regards to people around me.) ... why is it that I don't have a Me for me?
Lavender is great to talk with, and that's helpful, but she has enough going on in her life and doesn't need my problems to think about. I love her dearly, but sometimes I feel like I'm being pushed into a set mold of how she envisions me. This is not how it is, I know, but sometimes I feel this way. I was also irritated with her comment on the previous entry. I felt belittled from the get go. (Again, I know it's not how she meant it, but this isn't her journal. My feelings are what they are.) It took me a while to decide if I should post it ... finally did, just in case there was some helpful info for others. A lot of it was based on a misunderstanding of my entry though ... thus, the feeling of belittlement. (Is that a word?)
Note to readers: A COMMENT is a short note. Perhaps a paragraph. A LECTURE, or an essay, is much longer. Please write those on an e-mail or something and I will read and share as I please. Thanks.
When I was in Pender, everybody said, "I miss you. when are you coming back?" When here I am. Been back for 4 months now ... some of you haven't noticed. (Your FB comments prove it.) Some have, but have said nothing. I'm not sitting around waiting for friends to pound on the door either. Some of them just aren't answering my messages. Others don't seem to have time. (Which in my sane moments is feasible and a legitimate obstruction in today's world.) Lavender has an excuse. She's on bed-rest ... (or is that house arrest?) They seem so similar. She's done her part in welcoming me home. She's still trying. Where are the rest of you?
Maintaining my feeling of Special-ness is a high maintenance job, I'm sure. Lavender does a fantastic job, but she can't do it alone. Mercury and Harem have been really great too ... but they are out of town now, and again, many large problems of their own that I try to help with when I can.Where are the rest of you? I know there are fans out there somewhere ... What rock do I need to lift? So many rocks have snakes ... and I have a habit of lifting the wrong rocks.
And I keep finding myself facing a guy friend who has decided they are in love with me. *sigh*
Is my mistake in giving of myself too much? Sorry. I don't know how to hold back. It's my natural state to be open in my affections. Anything less and everybody thinks that I am a bitch. (My wit doesn't help, I know.)
So that's my pain at the moment ... or at least part of it.
My mind keeps coming back to this piece I wrote earlier ... "a legitimate obstruction in today's world." Is this the problem? Am I just old fashioned? Am I pining for a gentler time and a saner world? Am I having (as Bella coins it) Green Gable Flashbacks? Maybe. Maybe an older time yet ... back to a time when Family and Oaths meant something. Who knows? My old soul has been many places, but I try to keep my spirit young.
Sweet Dreams ... if you can find them.
Happy Valentine's Day to friends and other loved ones. You are appreciated more when I'm not doped up and depressed. Honest.
February 14, 2011 - 01:31
Mood: Sombre
Music: Echoes of OtR performances in my head ... hey, there are worse things.
I'm high on cough syrup, and running close to empty, but I've got words bouncing around in my skull and I think it may prove beneficial to get them out. For me, at least. Between the cough syrup, and the PMS mood swings, I'm feeling a bit low. There are other reasons ... not sure if I wanna touch on them though. I'll feel guilty tomorrow ... but for now, I need to sleep.
I'm feeling spectacularly un-special at the moment. Little things that shouldn't matter anymore have been popping up and haunting me lately. Like just how badly my monster-in-law tried to destroy me ... and how much damage she was actually allowed to accomplish. How my brother seems determined to offer me similar respect All the missing things that I have been wondering about? Oh. They "fell and broke". Right. And now I'm hearing that the items I had thought were being saved for me on Pender until I can get them back may be "gone" as well. Does the pain ever end? Family is supposed to be a person's core of strength. They are the ones you are supposed to be able to depend on. If they weren't, you wouldn't consider your bestest of best friends "family", right? That's how it works, isn't it? So, what am I doing wrong?
It bothers me that I can't keep a man in my life. They all leave me. All of them. Not one has held on. Fathers, sons, brother(s), lovers and friends. Poof. (Well, okay, one tries to hold on, but it appears to be a selfish grasp. Still, any port in a storm, I suppose. He's trying to prove it's not selfish, but he's failing miserably so far. I keep wondering if I should pass him a shovel, but ... no.)
I've had a few people tell me what a strong influence I was on them when they really needed somebody. I was a voice of reason in an insane world.
One said I was his anchor ... and that I was his best friend. A very important person in his life. He dropped out of my life not long after that. He just didn't want to know about it anymore.
Another one claimed that I saved his life ... he said that he was ready to end it, when he suddenly heard my voice telling him that he'd better not. I brought this up, once, when I was feeling low and needed a bit of reassurance that I was a worthy person. (Yes, I fish for compliments. I admit it.) He had no clue what I was talking about. So ... how special am I now?
Another friend ... I appeared to be her only true friend. She didn't have many friends, that I could see, but I would drop everything to go to her when a friend was needed. I even gave her money to help her out, even though I really could have used that money later. I was totally self-less with her. She was a large person, and treated me fairly well ... and then she suddenly lost a lot of weight, and she wasn't so pretty anymore. I was quickly lost in a wash of new found shallow admirers. She was secretive, silent, and selfish ... but I was the 'bitch' who said 'enough'.
One has lost my trust, and isn't doing a credible job of getting it back. She had the nerve to tell me that I was over-reacting to the pain she caused me. Apparently, it was just a little thing.
So many people around me right now ... taking, taking, taking ... asking for healing, the right words, advice. Well, who heals the healer? I was with these people in their lowest moments. Maybe I was there for other people as well (it's possible. I can be fairly oblivious at times, in regards to people around me.) ... why is it that I don't have a Me for me?
Lavender is great to talk with, and that's helpful, but she has enough going on in her life and doesn't need my problems to think about. I love her dearly, but sometimes I feel like I'm being pushed into a set mold of how she envisions me. This is not how it is, I know, but sometimes I feel this way. I was also irritated with her comment on the previous entry. I felt belittled from the get go. (Again, I know it's not how she meant it, but this isn't her journal. My feelings are what they are.) It took me a while to decide if I should post it ... finally did, just in case there was some helpful info for others. A lot of it was based on a misunderstanding of my entry though ... thus, the feeling of belittlement. (Is that a word?)
Note to readers: A COMMENT is a short note. Perhaps a paragraph. A LECTURE, or an essay, is much longer. Please write those on an e-mail or something and I will read and share as I please. Thanks.
When I was in Pender, everybody said, "I miss you. when are you coming back?" When here I am. Been back for 4 months now ... some of you haven't noticed. (Your FB comments prove it.) Some have, but have said nothing. I'm not sitting around waiting for friends to pound on the door either. Some of them just aren't answering my messages. Others don't seem to have time. (Which in my sane moments is feasible and a legitimate obstruction in today's world.) Lavender has an excuse. She's on bed-rest ... (or is that house arrest?) They seem so similar. She's done her part in welcoming me home. She's still trying. Where are the rest of you?
Maintaining my feeling of Special-ness is a high maintenance job, I'm sure. Lavender does a fantastic job, but she can't do it alone. Mercury and Harem have been really great too ... but they are out of town now, and again, many large problems of their own that I try to help with when I can.Where are the rest of you? I know there are fans out there somewhere ... What rock do I need to lift? So many rocks have snakes ... and I have a habit of lifting the wrong rocks.
And I keep finding myself facing a guy friend who has decided they are in love with me. *sigh*
Is my mistake in giving of myself too much? Sorry. I don't know how to hold back. It's my natural state to be open in my affections. Anything less and everybody thinks that I am a bitch. (My wit doesn't help, I know.)
So that's my pain at the moment ... or at least part of it.
My mind keeps coming back to this piece I wrote earlier ... "a legitimate obstruction in today's world." Is this the problem? Am I just old fashioned? Am I pining for a gentler time and a saner world? Am I having (as Bella coins it) Green Gable Flashbacks? Maybe. Maybe an older time yet ... back to a time when Family and Oaths meant something. Who knows? My old soul has been many places, but I try to keep my spirit young.
Sweet Dreams ... if you can find them.
Happy Valentine's Day to friends and other loved ones. You are appreciated more when I'm not doped up and depressed. Honest.
Friday, February 04, 2011
Stoopid See-Saw
February 4, 2011 - 02:38
Mood: tired, yet restless
Music: Time Warp (RHPS)
I've never liked the seesaw that much as a child. I was always getting hurt by it ... although I learned quickly, it just got boring after a while. Something that you only stayed with a for a short period. Swings, those I could stay on forever, it seemed.
Yesterday ... my mood was fantastic. Content, and the music going through my head. Fabulous. I was singing for most of the day. Same three songs over and over ... sometimes the whole thing, sometimes just bits. The Rose; Send in the Clowns; Don't Cry For Me Argentina ... I don't think I sounded perfect, but it was pleasant sounding. Mostly, I think I sounded happy. So ... what happened?
Mom found her scale. Now, I shouldn't have weighed myself. It wasn't accurate or fair, since I'd been doing a lot of moving and toting, so my heart rate was up (Yes, this makes you heavier.) Anyway, I'm back over 200. I'm at my wits end. Especially, in the face of my Mom's attitude over it. She didn't say the 'f' word, but it's plain that she considers me to be fat. Personally, I think that she's jealous of my figure, and she's vindictively glad that I am overweight like her. That what i pick up from her, at least. She's be horrified if anybody called her on it though.
On the bright side, I'm looking at buying a new tower. I need one. Not looking forward to spending the last of my savings though. Still, I've conferred with trusted individuals. The tower I am considering was a "three gasp-er" on my super's scale. (He didn't know he had a scale until tonight. LOL!) So I'm going to look at my funds and consider getting it before this one crashes on my completely.
As for my weight ... it's not the heaviest that I've been, but being this heavy makes me angry. It also makes my ankles sore. They are not dealing well with the weight gain. (This fact finally clicked tonight. Damn, I'm dumb.) Sadly, living with Mom isn't going to help. I need somebody who will go with me to exercise, or help to encourage me. Somebody who will give me a good kick when I need one ... or a hug before pushing me out the door. That being said, I also do better when I'm living alone. Before I went to Pender, I had brought myself down to 174. (All listed in previous entries.) Ah, well ... with the apartment still half packed and trying to figure out how to meld our two homes into one, I'm still going through a transitional stress, so maybe I have an excuse. Maybe ...
But keep this is mind, Weight Gain ... I've got my eyes on you. *points to eyes with first two fingers, then drags them to point at the fat in the mirror*
Music: I Saved the World Today
And on that note, I will go to sleep. (Or at least to bed to read for a bit.)
Sweet Dreams!
Mood: tired, yet restless
Music: Time Warp (RHPS)
I've never liked the seesaw that much as a child. I was always getting hurt by it ... although I learned quickly, it just got boring after a while. Something that you only stayed with a for a short period. Swings, those I could stay on forever, it seemed.
Yesterday ... my mood was fantastic. Content, and the music going through my head. Fabulous. I was singing for most of the day. Same three songs over and over ... sometimes the whole thing, sometimes just bits. The Rose; Send in the Clowns; Don't Cry For Me Argentina ... I don't think I sounded perfect, but it was pleasant sounding. Mostly, I think I sounded happy. So ... what happened?
Mom found her scale. Now, I shouldn't have weighed myself. It wasn't accurate or fair, since I'd been doing a lot of moving and toting, so my heart rate was up (Yes, this makes you heavier.) Anyway, I'm back over 200. I'm at my wits end. Especially, in the face of my Mom's attitude over it. She didn't say the 'f' word, but it's plain that she considers me to be fat. Personally, I think that she's jealous of my figure, and she's vindictively glad that I am overweight like her. That what i pick up from her, at least. She's be horrified if anybody called her on it though.
On the bright side, I'm looking at buying a new tower. I need one. Not looking forward to spending the last of my savings though. Still, I've conferred with trusted individuals. The tower I am considering was a "three gasp-er" on my super's scale. (He didn't know he had a scale until tonight. LOL!) So I'm going to look at my funds and consider getting it before this one crashes on my completely.
As for my weight ... it's not the heaviest that I've been, but being this heavy makes me angry. It also makes my ankles sore. They are not dealing well with the weight gain. (This fact finally clicked tonight. Damn, I'm dumb.) Sadly, living with Mom isn't going to help. I need somebody who will go with me to exercise, or help to encourage me. Somebody who will give me a good kick when I need one ... or a hug before pushing me out the door. That being said, I also do better when I'm living alone. Before I went to Pender, I had brought myself down to 174. (All listed in previous entries.) Ah, well ... with the apartment still half packed and trying to figure out how to meld our two homes into one, I'm still going through a transitional stress, so maybe I have an excuse. Maybe ...
But keep this is mind, Weight Gain ... I've got my eyes on you. *points to eyes with first two fingers, then drags them to point at the fat in the mirror*
Music: I Saved the World Today
And on that note, I will go to sleep. (Or at least to bed to read for a bit.)
Sweet Dreams!
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