*Disclaimer* Blunt Truth Ranting ... it may not be pretty. You will probably be offended. Pinch some salt, and don't hold it against me. We all need to erupt our irrationalities at times. (Irrational ... operative word there.) Don't say I didn't warn you.
February 14, 2011 - 01:31
Mood: Sombre
Music: Echoes of OtR performances in my head ... hey, there are worse things.
I'm high on cough syrup, and running close to empty, but I've got words bouncing around in my skull and I think it may prove beneficial to get them out. For me, at least. Between the cough syrup, and the PMS mood swings, I'm feeling a bit low. There are other reasons ... not sure if I wanna touch on them though. I'll feel guilty tomorrow ... but for now, I need to sleep.
I'm feeling spectacularly un-special at the moment. Little things that shouldn't matter anymore have been popping up and haunting me lately. Like just how badly my monster-in-law tried to destroy me ... and how much damage she was actually allowed to accomplish. How my brother seems determined to offer me similar respect All the missing things that I have been wondering about? Oh. They "fell and broke". Right. And now I'm hearing that the items I had thought were being saved for me on Pender until I can get them back may be "gone" as well. Does the pain ever end? Family is supposed to be a person's core of strength. They are the ones you are supposed to be able to depend on. If they weren't, you wouldn't consider your bestest of best friends "family", right? That's how it works, isn't it? So, what am I doing wrong?
It bothers me that I can't keep a man in my life. They all leave me. All of them. Not one has held on. Fathers, sons, brother(s), lovers and friends. Poof. (Well, okay, one tries to hold on, but it appears to be a selfish grasp. Still, any port in a storm, I suppose. He's trying to prove it's not selfish, but he's failing miserably so far. I keep wondering if I should pass him a shovel, but ... no.)
I've had a few people tell me what a strong influence I was on them when they really needed somebody. I was a voice of reason in an insane world.
One said I was his anchor ... and that I was his best friend. A very important person in his life. He dropped out of my life not long after that. He just didn't want to know about it anymore.
Another one claimed that I saved his life ... he said that he was ready to end it, when he suddenly heard my voice telling him that he'd better not. I brought this up, once, when I was feeling low and needed a bit of reassurance that I was a worthy person. (Yes, I fish for compliments. I admit it.) He had no clue what I was talking about. So ... how special am I now?
Another friend ... I appeared to be her only true friend. She didn't have many friends, that I could see, but I would drop everything to go to her when a friend was needed. I even gave her money to help her out, even though I really could have used that money later. I was totally self-less with her. She was a large person, and treated me fairly well ... and then she suddenly lost a lot of weight, and she wasn't so pretty anymore. I was quickly lost in a wash of new found shallow admirers. She was secretive, silent, and selfish ... but I was the 'bitch' who said 'enough'.
One has lost my trust, and isn't doing a credible job of getting it back. She had the nerve to tell me that I was over-reacting to the pain she caused me. Apparently, it was just a little thing.
So many people around me right now ... taking, taking, taking ... asking for healing, the right words, advice. Well, who heals the healer? I was with these people in their lowest moments. Maybe I was there for other people as well (it's possible. I can be fairly oblivious at times, in regards to people around me.) ... why is it that I don't have a Me for me?
Lavender is great to talk with, and that's helpful, but she has enough going on in her life and doesn't need my problems to think about. I love her dearly, but sometimes I feel like I'm being pushed into a set mold of how she envisions me. This is not how it is, I know, but sometimes I feel this way. I was also irritated with her comment on the previous entry. I felt belittled from the get go. (Again, I know it's not how she meant it, but this isn't her journal. My feelings are what they are.) It took me a while to decide if I should post it ... finally did, just in case there was some helpful info for others. A lot of it was based on a misunderstanding of my entry though ... thus, the feeling of belittlement. (Is that a word?)
Note to readers: A COMMENT is a short note. Perhaps a paragraph. A LECTURE, or an essay, is much longer. Please write those on an e-mail or something and I will read and share as I please. Thanks.
When I was in Pender, everybody said, "I miss you. when are you coming back?" When here I am. Been back for 4 months now ... some of you haven't noticed. (Your FB comments prove it.) Some have, but have said nothing. I'm not sitting around waiting for friends to pound on the door either. Some of them just aren't answering my messages. Others don't seem to have time. (Which in my sane moments is feasible and a legitimate obstruction in today's world.) Lavender has an excuse. She's on bed-rest ... (or is that house arrest?) They seem so similar. She's done her part in welcoming me home. She's still trying. Where are the rest of you?
Maintaining my feeling of Special-ness is a high maintenance job, I'm sure. Lavender does a fantastic job, but she can't do it alone. Mercury and Harem have been really great too ... but they are out of town now, and again, many large problems of their own that I try to help with when I can.Where are the rest of you? I know there are fans out there somewhere ... What rock do I need to lift? So many rocks have snakes ... and I have a habit of lifting the wrong rocks.
And I keep finding myself facing a guy friend who has decided they are in love with me. *sigh*
Is my mistake in giving of myself too much? Sorry. I don't know how to hold back. It's my natural state to be open in my affections. Anything less and everybody thinks that I am a bitch. (My wit doesn't help, I know.)
So that's my pain at the moment ... or at least part of it.
My mind keeps coming back to this piece I wrote earlier ... "a legitimate obstruction in today's world." Is this the problem? Am I just old fashioned? Am I pining for a gentler time and a saner world? Am I having (as Bella coins it) Green Gable Flashbacks? Maybe. Maybe an older time yet ... back to a time when Family and Oaths meant something. Who knows? My old soul has been many places, but I try to keep my spirit young.
Sweet Dreams ... if you can find them.
Happy Valentine's Day to friends and other loved ones. You are appreciated more when I'm not doped up and depressed. Honest.
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