October 21, 2001 - 15:44
Mood: Calm
Music: Stayin' Alive - Bee Gees
Thought for the day: One should not make decisions for ones self based on what one thinks others may be thinking or doing. Make your decision based on what you know, what you are dealing with, and what is best for you right now. Others who wish to be involved will catch up.
Nag, nag, nag ... I'm not lazy, I'm just busy ...
Busy hunting for a second job (or a better first one) and making sure my resume says what I think it does. Trying to find the cash to keep up with my current crises ... and sacrificing some to make it. It's unfortunate that Mom has been picking up the parts that I've been dropping. She can't afford that. Not that that will stop her, but there you go.
I've been trying to thin my things a bit. Donating, or tossing, as needed, and things have thinned down a bit, but I don;t know that I really had that much to begin with. (The PartyLite doesn't count. That's inventory, not "stuff" ... and it's getting lower too.)
For those of you that knew, I recently did a fundraiser for the RCL Poppy Fund. I finally finalised everything and sent the donation in today. I raised $60 for them. I'm proud ... and now that I know what I am doing, I hope to have more success with fundraising. I'll be doing one charity a month ... did I mention that already? Well, that's the plan. November's charity will be the Food Bank, I think. December - Santa's Anonymous. We'll see how it goes ...
Not too much going on right now. Spot's numbers are still high, but slowly coming down. I'm looking at insurance for him ... despite his age. If he's going to start needing expensive trips to the vet, I'd like to be better prepared for them.
November is looming before me ... I am ready. I will survive. No, I will do more than just survive. I will reach for my dreams and I will touch them ...
2012 will be the end of the world as I know it. I will leave all this crap behind and step into happiness instead.
Sweet Dreams
Friday, October 21, 2011
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
The Pursuit of Happy
October 12, 2011 - 03:12
Mood: Intrigued ...
Music: When the Going Gets Tough - Billy Ocean
Thought of the Day: "To achieve greatness, start where you are, use what you have, and do what you can." ~ Unknown
I was on my way to bed when I thought to give my e-mail a quick check. Had to turn the computer off anyway ... found a reply to an entry.
" said... 12/10/11 00:35
Dear Anonymous, I thank you for your concern in regards to my entry. If you have suggestions that I have not tried, I am open to hearing about them. I'd also like to you recognise the fact that I AM TRYING. All my entries show this. But I am a complicated soul looking for a simple solution. It's not out there. Dumping my boyfriend won't keep me from being lonely, or help me learn to trust again. Ditching friends who have hurt me won't help others to like me better, and being what others want me to be won't help people get to know or understand the real me better. Getting another job will keep me busier and out of trouble, but it also gives me a reason to avoid dealing with my problems, and denies me the true peace that I need.
If I find a solution that doesn't lead to a new set of troubles, I'll pass it on. I promise.
(Of course, now your identity is going to keep me up ... feel free to message me.)
Something I can do to keep me happy ... Heh. I could go back to being oblivious to the outside world, but really, that just pains the few friends who know me better. I have intelligence and it irritates them when I hide it or don't use it. And really, was I actually happy? Sure, but I was a child ... that world is barred to me now.
I'm more involved with the community, doing volunteer work and fundraising. I'm putting more effort into my job and my business. I'm also setting myself limits so that I know when I've tried long enough. I'm trying to save up for my own place ... that's an important step ... and that will be easier now that I know I need to budget in pet insurance. I'm learning to put myself first, although I still have trouble with it. I see it as selfish to do things for myself.
But I must also point out that being happy is not something that can really be done alone. I'm happiest when people offer positive feedback or comments. When somebody I love says the words back, keeps a promise, or makes me feel important ... when somebody tells me that I'm beautiful, or have done well with a project. When somebody notices that I've lost weight. When somebody says any of these things unexpectedly, without my fishing, or bringing up the subject. These lay on the path to happiness just as much as anything that I can do to "keep (me) happy". Don't you agree? If you don't, you are lying to yourself.
Thank you for your note, Anonymous ... whomever you may be. Not only does getting a comment make my day, but comments like yours inspire me to write more ... and that keeps me happy too.
Sweet Dreams!
Mood: Intrigued ...
Music: When the Going Gets Tough - Billy Ocean
Thought of the Day: "To achieve greatness, start where you are, use what you have, and do what you can." ~ Unknown
" said... 12/10/11 00:35
Down in the dumps ain't a fun feeling. Been there! Shout at the walls but they close their ears. Gotta be something you can do to keep you happy.... "
Dear Anonymous, I thank you for your concern in regards to my entry. If you have suggestions that I have not tried, I am open to hearing about them. I'd also like to you recognise the fact that I AM TRYING. All my entries show this. But I am a complicated soul looking for a simple solution. It's not out there. Dumping my boyfriend won't keep me from being lonely, or help me learn to trust again. Ditching friends who have hurt me won't help others to like me better, and being what others want me to be won't help people get to know or understand the real me better. Getting another job will keep me busier and out of trouble, but it also gives me a reason to avoid dealing with my problems, and denies me the true peace that I need.
If I find a solution that doesn't lead to a new set of troubles, I'll pass it on. I promise.
(Of course, now your identity is going to keep me up ... feel free to message me.)
Something I can do to keep me happy ... Heh. I could go back to being oblivious to the outside world, but really, that just pains the few friends who know me better. I have intelligence and it irritates them when I hide it or don't use it. And really, was I actually happy? Sure, but I was a child ... that world is barred to me now.
I'm more involved with the community, doing volunteer work and fundraising. I'm putting more effort into my job and my business. I'm also setting myself limits so that I know when I've tried long enough. I'm trying to save up for my own place ... that's an important step ... and that will be easier now that I know I need to budget in pet insurance. I'm learning to put myself first, although I still have trouble with it. I see it as selfish to do things for myself.
But I must also point out that being happy is not something that can really be done alone. I'm happiest when people offer positive feedback or comments. When somebody I love says the words back, keeps a promise, or makes me feel important ... when somebody tells me that I'm beautiful, or have done well with a project. When somebody notices that I've lost weight. When somebody says any of these things unexpectedly, without my fishing, or bringing up the subject. These lay on the path to happiness just as much as anything that I can do to "keep (me) happy". Don't you agree? If you don't, you are lying to yourself.
Thank you for your note, Anonymous ... whomever you may be. Not only does getting a comment make my day, but comments like yours inspire me to write more ... and that keeps me happy too.
Sweet Dreams!
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Whose Dream Is This, Anyway?
(aka I Take Thee, Aliens ...)
October 11, 2011 - 01:26
Mood: Calm, thoughtful, introspective ... just damn relaxed, at last
Music: Love Before Time - Coco Lee
Thought of the Day: Maybe you really can't go home again, but you can always build a new one of your own.
Managed to have a day off at last. A real day off, where I didn't have to GO anywhere. Seems like I'm always driving somewhere. A day without a schedule. Aaah. It doesn't solve anything, but it sure feels nice.
Somebody stole my car magnet on Saturday night. I'm not thrilled. I'm a sentimental soul and I've had the magnet from the beginning. I EARNED it. And some sod just walked up and took it. I wonder if they realise how much it will cost to replace the damn thing ...
I woke up this morning wondering why I can't seem to inspire 'loyalty'. Why is it that people have trouble committing to any kind of relationship with me ... either romantically, in friendship, or in business. It's rare that I feel a part of anything. What a thought to wake up with. What the heck was I dreaming?
But let's not think about that right now. I'm relaxed and not willing to step towards that depression.
In the same vein though, I've given "two and a half months notice" to my Unit Leader. If I can't show an improvement in my business by the end of the year then I will seriously consider not doing it any more. I'm putting much more money into it than I am getting out. It may be time to cut my losses. I keep buying Hostess gifts and prizes and never have the chance to use them. I have a closet and a half of product. Some of it is even mine. :) I'll be donating some of it. the spa stuff. I'm not doing those shows any more. No demand for it.
We'll see. I keep getting people who agree to book ... and then never actually have the party. Again, why do people have commitment issues with me? I've only ever asked for one person's soul ... and I thought it was a fair trade!
I was a bad girl today. Three cans of Barqs. (After supper though, so I was a good girl, in a way) SO hitting the weight room tomorrow. But it was worth it ...
Slept in. Sort of. Spot kept trying to induce me into wakefulness. His new trick is to stick his paw up my nose. (Gets a better reaction, I guess. Harder to throw a pillow at him.) Got all my laundry done (never mind that it's still waiting to be folded - eheh!) and got bored with FB really fast, so I played Civ III. Finished a game. (First time in a very long time that I've finished the space race. I miss the Civ II movies, etc. Will have to try Civ IV or V sometime.) Felt anti-climatic about that win as my computer did something funny so I couldn't peruse my scores. Decided to watch Season 1 of Magic Knight Rayearth. That was nice ... ignoring the comments that Mom made intermittently. She's come to terms with my love for "cartoons", but still doesn't understand why I have to watch it in Japanese. One of these days I'm going to sit her down and show her the difference between Sub and dub. InuYasha might be the best example. Dubbed InuYasha makes me twitch uncontrollably. I would only ever watch it for Jade ... nobody else. Anyway, finished that about midnight-ish, and now I am relaxing to music. Ha! And avoiding my laundry, I guess. LOL!
In regards to the decisions in the last entry ... I'm pretty sure I know what I have to do, and I know that I should do it and get it over with. I'm trapping myself in an endless cycle of hoping. It's not getting better. What am I waiting for? And really, how hurt will I be if they don't notice?
Thanks to Terry and Lavender for their supportive comments.
~ Hello, Terry, nice to meet you. Not sure how you've read, or how long you'll stay, but you are welcome.
~ Lavender, I'm thinking that that bike purchase might as well wait for spring. Storage might be an issue for now. Glad to hear you've reached goals! Now go make new ones! :)
Mom's been talking hard about moving to Pender, and she's determined to take me with her. *sigh* I had easier times controlling a high strung horse in the paddock on race day. With a damaged shoulder! *shakes head* I keep telling her that she can't go unless she's ready and to not rush things. Finish school and see what happens. Today, I repeated myself. I also pointed out that she is NOT going to move there in the Fall or Winter unless she has a job ready and waiting, and a place to stay. She keeps talking about sharing rent, and what I should sell out of my things. ... *stare* ... She should know better than to say such stupid things. I finally put my foot down firmly. She's not going until she's ready to go AND knows for sure that she is actually going. And I haven't made any kind of decision about going with her. Even if I was going, I'm sure as green apples am NOT ready to go. As for giving up my things ... I think I've given up quite a lot over the past couple of years. She has no right to demand I give up more.
I need my own place. 'Need' may not be a strong enough word. 'Require' may be better. I've never done well with room-mates ... and moving back in with my mother to help her deal with being alone after my Dad passed away was the final sacrifice that I am able to make. I don't wish to share my space with her anymore. Which sounds a bit cruel, but, really, it isn't. It's necessary. Every space in this apartment is SHARED, except the bedrooms. And I had to make bold threats to keep her out my room. I'm too old for "KEEP OUT' signs on my door. I'd been on my own for too long to live with her again. Can't be done again. I keep finding us in reversed positions and, as my friend, Green Man pointed out ... raising your mother is just too damn dysfunctional!!
So there you go. I require my own space.
Speaking of space, I'd better go make some on my bed if I plan on getting into it tonight.
The couch is looking good, right now ...
Sweet Dreams!
October 11, 2011 - 01:26
Mood: Calm, thoughtful, introspective ... just damn relaxed, at last
Music: Love Before Time - Coco Lee
Thought of the Day: Maybe you really can't go home again, but you can always build a new one of your own.
Managed to have a day off at last. A real day off, where I didn't have to GO anywhere. Seems like I'm always driving somewhere. A day without a schedule. Aaah. It doesn't solve anything, but it sure feels nice.
Somebody stole my car magnet on Saturday night. I'm not thrilled. I'm a sentimental soul and I've had the magnet from the beginning. I EARNED it. And some sod just walked up and took it. I wonder if they realise how much it will cost to replace the damn thing ...
I woke up this morning wondering why I can't seem to inspire 'loyalty'. Why is it that people have trouble committing to any kind of relationship with me ... either romantically, in friendship, or in business. It's rare that I feel a part of anything. What a thought to wake up with. What the heck was I dreaming?
But let's not think about that right now. I'm relaxed and not willing to step towards that depression.
In the same vein though, I've given "two and a half months notice" to my Unit Leader. If I can't show an improvement in my business by the end of the year then I will seriously consider not doing it any more. I'm putting much more money into it than I am getting out. It may be time to cut my losses. I keep buying Hostess gifts and prizes and never have the chance to use them. I have a closet and a half of product. Some of it is even mine. :) I'll be donating some of it. the spa stuff. I'm not doing those shows any more. No demand for it.
We'll see. I keep getting people who agree to book ... and then never actually have the party. Again, why do people have commitment issues with me? I've only ever asked for one person's soul ... and I thought it was a fair trade!
I was a bad girl today. Three cans of Barqs. (After supper though, so I was a good girl, in a way) SO hitting the weight room tomorrow. But it was worth it ...
Slept in. Sort of. Spot kept trying to induce me into wakefulness. His new trick is to stick his paw up my nose. (Gets a better reaction, I guess. Harder to throw a pillow at him.) Got all my laundry done (never mind that it's still waiting to be folded - eheh!) and got bored with FB really fast, so I played Civ III. Finished a game. (First time in a very long time that I've finished the space race. I miss the Civ II movies, etc. Will have to try Civ IV or V sometime.) Felt anti-climatic about that win as my computer did something funny so I couldn't peruse my scores. Decided to watch Season 1 of Magic Knight Rayearth. That was nice ... ignoring the comments that Mom made intermittently. She's come to terms with my love for "cartoons", but still doesn't understand why I have to watch it in Japanese. One of these days I'm going to sit her down and show her the difference between Sub and dub. InuYasha might be the best example. Dubbed InuYasha makes me twitch uncontrollably. I would only ever watch it for Jade ... nobody else. Anyway, finished that about midnight-ish, and now I am relaxing to music. Ha! And avoiding my laundry, I guess. LOL!
In regards to the decisions in the last entry ... I'm pretty sure I know what I have to do, and I know that I should do it and get it over with. I'm trapping myself in an endless cycle of hoping. It's not getting better. What am I waiting for? And really, how hurt will I be if they don't notice?
Thanks to Terry and Lavender for their supportive comments.
~ Hello, Terry, nice to meet you. Not sure how you've read, or how long you'll stay, but you are welcome.
~ Lavender, I'm thinking that that bike purchase might as well wait for spring. Storage might be an issue for now. Glad to hear you've reached goals! Now go make new ones! :)
Mom's been talking hard about moving to Pender, and she's determined to take me with her. *sigh* I had easier times controlling a high strung horse in the paddock on race day. With a damaged shoulder! *shakes head* I keep telling her that she can't go unless she's ready and to not rush things. Finish school and see what happens. Today, I repeated myself. I also pointed out that she is NOT going to move there in the Fall or Winter unless she has a job ready and waiting, and a place to stay. She keeps talking about sharing rent, and what I should sell out of my things. ... *stare* ... She should know better than to say such stupid things. I finally put my foot down firmly. She's not going until she's ready to go AND knows for sure that she is actually going. And I haven't made any kind of decision about going with her. Even if I was going, I'm sure as green apples am NOT ready to go. As for giving up my things ... I think I've given up quite a lot over the past couple of years. She has no right to demand I give up more.
I need my own place. 'Need' may not be a strong enough word. 'Require' may be better. I've never done well with room-mates ... and moving back in with my mother to help her deal with being alone after my Dad passed away was the final sacrifice that I am able to make. I don't wish to share my space with her anymore. Which sounds a bit cruel, but, really, it isn't. It's necessary. Every space in this apartment is SHARED, except the bedrooms. And I had to make bold threats to keep her out my room. I'm too old for "KEEP OUT' signs on my door. I'd been on my own for too long to live with her again. Can't be done again. I keep finding us in reversed positions and, as my friend, Green Man pointed out ... raising your mother is just too damn dysfunctional!!
So there you go. I require my own space.
Speaking of space, I'd better go make some on my bed if I plan on getting into it tonight.
The couch is looking good, right now ...
Sweet Dreams!
Monday, October 03, 2011
Come Back Tomorrow
October 3, 2011 - 12:37
Mood: Tired, and struggling
Music: Somebody to Love - Queen
Thought of the Day: Hatred will steal the freedom from your heart ~ Jellal (Fairytail 59)
I had a horrible dream this morning. Sadly, I don't know if it's my subconscious playing with me or if somebody is trying to tell me something. Maybe both. Either way, it's making me consider a few hard decisions.
It's not improving my mood either. I've been rather stressed out lately. I've been feeling rather kicked down. First my laptop crashed. Cost me about $500 to replace. Then I discover that Spot is sick. Once again, the cost so far has been $500. I had to struggle to pay that. I am now broke. Completely. Mom has offered to pitch in, but I have refused. She manages to give me money anyway. I feel like crap because she's been footing the bill for groceries ... and she's had to live with my mood swings. They aren't pretty and she keeps taking them personally. I need my own place ...
Something is going on. Something I'm missing. Something is being hidden. I know this for sure. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to centre myself and find the problem. I feel like I'm being poked off balance from many directions. Despite this, I'm determined to move forward. I'd rather stumble my way to my goal than not make the attempt at all. I will do more than survive ... I will succeed.
My depression is not being helped by all the brown envelopes that have been returned to me in the mail almost everyday. Each one stabs me like a rejection from the person themselves, even though they have not seen the package. But I've taken this and learned something. I've made a decision and this decision will help me to succeed even more. Now is the time to be bold and confident. I will take this confidence and keep a promise to myself today. I will.
I've been really horrible at my communications ... I've barely replied to anybody. Even FB replies have been minimal. Sorry. I've retreated into my shell again, and I won't be coming out for a while. Nobody seems to have noticed, so I've been recuperating on my own. Of course, it's my own fear that nobody has noticed. It's possible that somebody has ... and is giving me space to do my own thing ... which is good ... and bad. It's okay though. At times like this, I have to decide to come out on my own. I have to fix things in my own mind, and be firm in my decisions, or it will come back three-fold to haunt me later.
I wonder if winning the lotto would make me happier ... perhaps in some ways. Won't find me somebody to love though. No, that's not true ... finding somebody to love has never been a problem. Finding somebody who actually loves me back the way I need it. That's another matter. He's out there somewhere. And he will love me as much as Spot does. I believe.
Meanwhile, I think that I will need to make a couple hard decisions. There is some weight that I've been carrying ... I need to decide what to do with it. And still be true to myself when I make the decision. That may be the hard part ...
I'm tired of being strong. Strong for me. Strong for others. I want somebody to be strong with me and share the burden. Somebody who can take up the burden when I have times of weakness ... and will help me to realise that allowing a bit of weakness in makes me even stronger in the end.
I want the fairytale!
I don't think this is too much to ask. I'm worth it!
Sweet Dreams ...
Mood: Tired, and struggling
Music: Somebody to Love - Queen
Thought of the Day: Hatred will steal the freedom from your heart ~ Jellal (Fairytail 59)
I had a horrible dream this morning. Sadly, I don't know if it's my subconscious playing with me or if somebody is trying to tell me something. Maybe both. Either way, it's making me consider a few hard decisions.
It's not improving my mood either. I've been rather stressed out lately. I've been feeling rather kicked down. First my laptop crashed. Cost me about $500 to replace. Then I discover that Spot is sick. Once again, the cost so far has been $500. I had to struggle to pay that. I am now broke. Completely. Mom has offered to pitch in, but I have refused. She manages to give me money anyway. I feel like crap because she's been footing the bill for groceries ... and she's had to live with my mood swings. They aren't pretty and she keeps taking them personally. I need my own place ...
Something is going on. Something I'm missing. Something is being hidden. I know this for sure. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to centre myself and find the problem. I feel like I'm being poked off balance from many directions. Despite this, I'm determined to move forward. I'd rather stumble my way to my goal than not make the attempt at all. I will do more than survive ... I will succeed.
My depression is not being helped by all the brown envelopes that have been returned to me in the mail almost everyday. Each one stabs me like a rejection from the person themselves, even though they have not seen the package. But I've taken this and learned something. I've made a decision and this decision will help me to succeed even more. Now is the time to be bold and confident. I will take this confidence and keep a promise to myself today. I will.
I've been really horrible at my communications ... I've barely replied to anybody. Even FB replies have been minimal. Sorry. I've retreated into my shell again, and I won't be coming out for a while. Nobody seems to have noticed, so I've been recuperating on my own. Of course, it's my own fear that nobody has noticed. It's possible that somebody has ... and is giving me space to do my own thing ... which is good ... and bad. It's okay though. At times like this, I have to decide to come out on my own. I have to fix things in my own mind, and be firm in my decisions, or it will come back three-fold to haunt me later.
I wonder if winning the lotto would make me happier ... perhaps in some ways. Won't find me somebody to love though. No, that's not true ... finding somebody to love has never been a problem. Finding somebody who actually loves me back the way I need it. That's another matter. He's out there somewhere. And he will love me as much as Spot does. I believe.
Meanwhile, I think that I will need to make a couple hard decisions. There is some weight that I've been carrying ... I need to decide what to do with it. And still be true to myself when I make the decision. That may be the hard part ...
I'm tired of being strong. Strong for me. Strong for others. I want somebody to be strong with me and share the burden. Somebody who can take up the burden when I have times of weakness ... and will help me to realise that allowing a bit of weakness in makes me even stronger in the end.
I want the fairytale!
I don't think this is too much to ask. I'm worth it!
Sweet Dreams ...
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