Whose Dream Is This, Anyway?

(aka I Take Thee, Aliens ...)

October 11, 2011 - 01:26

Mood: Calm, thoughtful, introspective ... just damn relaxed, at last
Music: Love Before Time - Coco Lee
Thought of the Day: Maybe you really can't go home again, but you can always build a new one of your own.

Managed to have a day off at last. A real day off, where I didn't have to GO anywhere. Seems like I'm always driving somewhere. A day without a schedule. Aaah. It doesn't solve anything, but it sure feels nice.

Somebody stole my car magnet on Saturday night. I'm not thrilled. I'm a sentimental soul and I've had the magnet from the beginning. I EARNED it. And some sod just walked up and took it. I wonder if they realise how much it will cost to replace the damn thing ...

I woke up this morning wondering why I can't seem to inspire 'loyalty'. Why is it that people have trouble committing to any kind of relationship with me ... either romantically, in friendship, or in business. It's rare that I feel a part of anything. What a thought to wake up with. What the heck was I dreaming?

But let's not think about that right now. I'm relaxed and not willing to step towards that depression.

In the same vein though, I've given "two and a half months notice" to my Unit Leader. If I can't show an improvement in my business by the end of the year then I will seriously consider not doing it any more. I'm putting much more money into it than I am getting out. It may be time to cut my losses. I keep buying Hostess gifts and prizes and never have the chance to use them. I have a closet and a half of product. Some of it is even mine. :) I'll be donating some of it. the spa stuff. I'm not doing those shows any more. No demand for it.

We'll see. I keep getting people who agree to book ... and then never actually have the party. Again, why do people have commitment issues with me? I've only ever asked for one person's soul ... and I thought it was a fair trade!

I was a bad girl today. Three cans of Barqs. (After supper though, so I was a good girl, in a way) SO hitting the weight room tomorrow. But it was worth it ...

Slept in. Sort of. Spot kept trying to induce me into wakefulness. His new trick is to stick his paw up my nose. (Gets a better reaction, I guess. Harder to throw a pillow at him.) Got all my laundry done (never mind that it's still waiting to be folded - eheh!) and got bored with FB really fast, so I played Civ III. Finished a game. (First time in a very long time that I've finished the space race. I miss the Civ II movies, etc. Will have to try Civ IV or V sometime.) Felt anti-climatic about that win as my computer did something funny so I couldn't peruse my scores. Decided to watch Season 1 of Magic Knight Rayearth. That was nice ... ignoring the comments that Mom made intermittently. She's come to terms with my love for "cartoons", but still doesn't understand why I have to watch it in Japanese. One of these days I'm going to sit her down and show her the difference between Sub and dub. InuYasha might be the best example. Dubbed InuYasha makes me twitch uncontrollably. I would only ever watch it for Jade ... nobody else. Anyway, finished that about midnight-ish, and now I am relaxing to music. Ha! And avoiding my laundry, I guess. LOL!

In regards to the decisions in the last entry ... I'm pretty sure I know what I have to do, and I know that I should do it and get it over with. I'm trapping myself in an endless cycle of hoping. It's not getting better. What am I waiting for? And really, how hurt will I be if they don't notice?

Thanks to Terry and Lavender for their supportive comments.
~ Hello, Terry, nice to meet you. Not sure how you've read, or how long you'll stay, but you are welcome.
~ Lavender, I'm thinking that that bike purchase might as well wait for spring. Storage might be an issue for now. Glad to hear you've reached goals! Now go make new ones! :)

Mom's been talking hard about moving to Pender, and she's determined to take me with her. *sigh* I had easier times controlling a high strung horse in the paddock on race day. With a damaged shoulder! *shakes head* I keep telling her that she can't go unless she's ready and to not rush things. Finish school and see what happens. Today, I repeated myself. I also pointed out that she is NOT going to move there in the Fall or Winter unless she has a job ready and waiting, and a place to stay. She keeps talking about sharing rent, and what I should sell out of my things. ... *stare* ... She should know better than to say such stupid things. I finally put my foot down firmly. She's not going until she's ready to go AND knows for sure that she is actually going. And I haven't made any kind of decision about going with her. Even if I was going, I'm sure as green apples am NOT ready to go. As for giving up my things ... I think I've given up quite a lot over the past couple of years. She has no right to demand I give up more.

I need my own place. 'Need' may not be a strong enough word. 'Require' may be better. I've never done well with room-mates ... and moving back in with my mother to help her deal with being alone after my Dad passed away was the final sacrifice that I am able to make. I don't wish to share my space with her anymore. Which sounds a bit cruel, but, really, it isn't. It's necessary. Every space in this apartment is SHARED, except the bedrooms. And I had to make bold threats to keep her out my room. I'm too old for "KEEP OUT' signs on my door. I'd been on my own for too long to live with her again. Can't be done again. I keep finding us in reversed positions and, as my friend, Green Man pointed out ... raising your mother is just too damn dysfunctional!!

So there you go. I require my own space.

Speaking of space, I'd better go make some on my bed if I plan on getting into it tonight.

The couch is looking good, right now ...

Sweet Dreams!