Wednesday, November 02, 2011

Forks, Crossroads, and Doors of Opportunity, Oh My

November 1, 2011 - 23:45

Mood: Calm
Music: Ancient Pines - Loreena McKennit
Thought for the Day: Nothing keeps you awake at night like a suspicious cat.

Sometimes, I wonder if we actually have as many paths, or doors, to choose from as we think we do, or if it's what we choose to carry with us on our Path that causes the most fuss. Currently, my path is uphill. This doesn't mean that it's good, so much as it's slow and I have time to ponder as I walk. So much to carry with me as I climb. Some of it good, some of it not-so-good, some of it I'm not quite ready to let go of ... and some of it, well, I'm waiting for a cliff to toss it from so that it doesn't come back. :)

My dreams have been odd lately. I wish I had somebody to tell them to. The one person I used to talk to them about is gone ... but he shocked before he left. He didn't just listen, you see. He paid attention. I hope he is at peace.

Mom keeps sending me job opportunities that she thinks will entice me to move with her when her course is done. Currently, the opportunities have been in Calgary. Horse jobs. I've told her that I don't plan on moving. That I'm not ready to move. MY plans are currently to check out the cost of the bachelor suites here in the building, and figuring out what to do when I lose the car when she gets her job ... where ever it will be. She's afraid to be alone ... and, frankly, I think it could be good for her. She won't be far from family/friends, no matter where she goes. But she needs to find herself and decide who she is. She has some growing up to do.

Spot is now an insured kitty. His monthly fee is half of my own, but I'll feel so much better knowing that he's covered. It won't stop the surprise prices, but it will make sure some of it comes back. That's better than a kick in the pants and a slap in the face. He's starting to show his age, which worries me. He's also very NOT impressed that he's still taking a pill every morning. Poor, poor puddy tat.

I'm also looking forward to claiming my own space. That's true freedom. No worries about when somebody is going to come home and interrupt what you are doing. No worries about having the boyfriend over for the night. (Keeping up my love life with my mother in the next room is ... difficult.)

I've been going through my things and deciding what I actually need to keep and what I can donate, or just toss away. I'm even going through my mangas and pulling some series to donate to the Slave Lake library. I read each one and decide how I feel when I get to the end. So far, two series are in the box. Good reads, and, in their own way, inspiring, but I can part with them. Maybe one day I will buy them again ... if I can find a company that won't fold. Damn you, CMX and Tokyopop!


I've been so calm lately. I made a decision about moving forward with my life and my dreams instead of allowing them to be put on hold for others. There was a moment where I felt selfish as I reached out to open the proverbial door ... and then a calmness came over me. I knew I was on the right path then. Even if nothing come from it, I made my choice and I'm going to live with it.

I was invited to participate in a Trade Show here in my building. No details yet, but I'm looking forward to it. I haven't had a party all year. Anything I try to do on my own - parties, open houses, trade shows - has been full of no shows. The fundraisers have been okay so far though. (I say that in plural, as I am about to start my second fundraiser.) I think I have just lost my drive. One can only meet with failure before the determination falters and doubt creeps in. Kind of like walking in really deep mud ... you have to wonder if there isn't a better road to walk.

I have some plans to give some parts of my life a final chance. If nothing changes, then I will close doors, burn bridges, and whatever else I have to do. I will be free. I will do more than survive ... I will live!!

I am alive!

Sweet Dreams!

PS. If I haven't chatted with you lately, I'm just busy. Don't worry. I'm making plans for a vacation soon to re-energise.

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