Together Again.

(aka Gravity Still Works. I know this because I randomly check it to be sure.)

July 7, 2013 - 02:33

Mood: Contemplative/Nostalgic ... and somewhat creative
Music: Lovers in a Dangerous Time ~ Barenaked Ladies
Thought of the Day: "This is the end. Hold your breath, and count to ten. Feel the Earth move, and then ... hear my heart burst again ..." ~ Skyfall (Adele)

Yeah, it's been a while since I wrote here. Heck ... It's even been a while since I wrote in my head. So much has been going on ... and yet not much has actually happened. Don't you just hate that? It makes all your plausible (true or not) excuses sounds small. Infantile. Weak.

I've been meaning to write. Something. Anything. But every time I turn to do it I find myself doing something else. Distracted. Restless. Doesn't matter if I used a computer or a pen/pencil. I decided I just wasn't ready and didn't push myself. Nothing good comes from that, I know.

I'm here. I writing again. I'm liking what I'm putting down, although it's just whatever is flowing from my mind. No real editing other than trying to watch my spelling. But even that I'm not being fussy about. I'll go back for it later. Maybe. I'm enjoying myself ... for the first time in months. While spoil that by worrying if I've spelled something correctly right away? Or that my fingers are working correctly, or my finger nails aren't too long and I'm hitting (or not hitting) keys I've actually aimed for. I'm feeling a joy in the flow. That's good enough for now. This is, I think, what Green Man was trying to get me to do years ago. not quite, but it feels about right. Doesn't, Green Man?

Oh, the typos ... they are killing me ... and yet, at the same time, I don't care. Flow, Gemini ... Flow ...

So ... since I spoke with you last, I started a new job ... and ended it as well. Such amazing people I met along the way. some actually remained friends with me. Friends form work and outside of work too ... it;'s a new thing for me. Normally, I keep them quite separate.

Now I'm in school *sigh* with a course that I picked after some research. I'm satisfied with it, although I'm not sure about the method itself. Sometimes it feels like I'm going through the motions without actually maintaining the info. Time will tell.

I'm doing genealogy again. I'm very excited with what I've discovered so far. small things, but joyful.

I've been very lonely. I find myself alternately latching on to people and pushing them away at the same time. I've caught myself acting the knowledge-able, patient, maternal immortal-type person ... everybody around me the child who is growing quickly, but not filing the void. I've come to realise that I use this as a buffer to protect myself. So much rejection and isolation in the last few years. I hurt. I ache. I yearn ... yearn for a touch I've lost and may never get back.

I woke to this a bit when I recently had my world rumbled. I was helping Tavis search for his lost cat ... when I was hit on by a passing 20 year old. It was such an odd experience. It was difficult to maintain my usual obliviousness in the face of his persistence. I found myself flattered and somewhat amused ... but still cautious. It doesn't help his case that he is the same as Campbell would be. My sweet boy. Strange how I miss you ... we vaguely knew each other for such a brief time, but you continue to haunt me in the strangest places. And your father ... he haunts me too. Although not quite in the same way. He once tried to keep me a in a safe place ... But it turned out to be a safe place for him, not for me. Comfort? Convenience? I don't know, but he used every trick in the book to keep me there. Cajoling, rewards, emotional blackmail, threats. Every trick. Holding me close to the wall as he could get me but never really letting me in. From this, I get the image of a prisoner in a cell, who took joy in the small things and danced each day in the sunlight that poured through the small window. How could he take my purpose in life and tell me that I had to choose between it and him? And yet he still does his best to protect me from things that could hurt me.

Around the time had started the new job, I got a new apartment ... ad then lost Spot. Oh, such a keen loss. And no time allowed to mourn properly. My heart screamed for days, raw with suppressed emotion. I'll never again find a friend like that. I know that ... but I doubt I'll ever give up looking. He came back to see me after. I was reaching breaking point, I think, but after his visit, I was so calm, so accepting. He expressed so much love/thanks/contentment/happiness for my comfort ... his glow was so bright. The ache is still there, but it's no longer disabling. No longer raw. But even a healed hole is still a scar that can never be properly filled again. Not in this lifetime. I don't think I'll be seeing Spot again any time soon. Not until it's my turn to walk to the fields. He will come for me. And I'll go with him.

I've been finding inspirations for stories again. Small ones, but they are like old friends and I welcome them as often as I can. I just wish they'd stop showing up in the middle of class. :)

Lonely. I crave the support of a loving touch, and welcoming life force and an understanding affection. Campbell. Spot. Two beings who accepted me unconditionally. Jade. You came so close to doing the same, but you held yourself back. Still do. And you won't tell me why. It's okay though. You still love me. It's enough. We'll save the unconditional for me to offer instead.

Saw Greywhistle the other day. Strange how we can talk like we never stopped ... and never seem to say enough ... like we'll take up where we left off the next day. *smile* Poor Greywhistle ... his girlfriend doesn't like me.

My pillow is calling me. It wants a hug ...

Sweet Dreams!