(aka They're just jealous; just a bunch of haters!)
December 25, 2014 - 18:55
Mood: Tired
Music: A Thousand Beautiful Things - Annie Lennox
Thought of the Day: Standing on the outside looking in is never a happy feeling, but no matter how cold it gets, I can't seem to make myself go in because being lonely in a crowd is even worse.
I know, I know. It's been a while since I wrote. Wish I could say that it's been because I was busy. Well, I have been, but it's still a bad excuse. Been wanting to write though, and finally gave in. So, here I am. Whew!
What a year! Five days after my last post, my parrot-daughter passed away at the age of twenty-one and a half. I had adopted her when she was just six months old. This was also my last day at work after giving them a professionally polite two weeks notice. Unfortunately, they didn't return the politeness. And, I found out later, they return the professionalism either. I was unemployed for three months and I couldn't understand why. I've NEVER been unemployed for three months. Ever. Unprecedented. On a hunch, I changed my resume to say DO NOT CALL my last job ... and lo! I had a job with a temp agency by the end of the week. I've never had to do that before either. Who knew standing up for myself in August would ruin Christmas for me? If I needed more proof that I was being bullied, there it is. I am well quit of the place.
The temp agency has been a dream! started with a few short contracts (mostly two days) but it got the money to start trickling in, and then I got a 6 week contract. It's almost done, but it's been very uplifting. Funny how the City of Edmonton told me that they couldn't hire me because I "wasn't adaptable" but I've been getting the same contracts through the temp agency as I would have through CoE - Staff Support. Mind boggling. Either way, it's been the best job I've ever had. I managed to get into the office just as a series of staff were retiring, so I've been getting a lot of free lunches during their farewell parties. AND there was a Team Xmas Breakfast last week too. The people are unbelievable friendly too. They like me just fine! And I like them back!
Even better news is that I have officially been hired at another large company. I'll be starting off as P/T Temp, but it's rare that the position isn't offered later as permanent. And when they happens, the BENEFITS!! Omgosh! This is my dream company. I wish I had got in YEARS ago. Oh, well, I'm in now. Start next month a little after my current contract finishes.
Started therapy for a few weeks (had to postpone when I got the FT contract) and I think I was feeling a bit better but she was focused on Tavis for some strange reason. Not sure why. He's the one part of my life that I'm NOT confused about. Apparently, I make little "Freudian slips" that worry her. Oookay. I'm making good progress in other areas though. I think. We'll see. Quitting smoking was easier, if you ask me. I've been told that I've faced an unbelievable amount of loss in my life, and I have to admit that it such a relief to have somebody tell me that. I'd been trying to shrug it all off as part of life, and, in a way, it was, but I've had more than my due share, I guess. I'm not as good as I'd like - I still have set backs - but, I'm better than I was. Which makes me realise how sad my life really was. I mean, WOW! How did I still smile and have a good time occasionally through all that?
Speaking of pain, I think I broke my bottom knuckle on my left middle finger. I can't think of another reason for the pain, but I don't recall hitting it, or bumping it. It's mind-boggling! Stabbed with a dagger in a dream? I'd like to think I'd remember that.
I'm getting slowly caught up on my bills! Can't wait for the new job to start so that my steady pay can continue ... Insurance for myself and Ty has been restarted and paid up. Overdue amounts for credit cards and Rogers have been paid. Rogers is being a pain with broken promises, something I'm very sensitive about, and I've about had it with them. Sadly, there is no other mobile service with a decent reputation, so I have to decide where the lesser evil lays.
Lately, I've been a bit tense trying to make sure payment get where they need to go in the priority they need to be paid in, but at least I can recognise that I am being tense now. That's kinda wondrous in itself. I'm trying to focus on my creativity again. Tavis keeps finding house listings with rooms/shops where I can make things to sell. Such a wonderful man. Best friend I've ever had. In some ways he reminds me of me, the way I used to be.
So ... 2014. I've let go of many things, put others on hold, and decided to seek help so that I can find things I didn't want to lose. The things I walked away from were hurting me with bullying, lack of support, and other negativity. PartyLite was also weighing me down. I've resigned from that as well, as of 2015. It will be a relief to not have to cart around that inventory any more. (You know, the one that we are not supposed to have?) The only thing that people can swear about now is my books. I have a friggin' library and I'm bloody proud of it. Suck it up, boys.
Moving in the Spring! Lease comes to an end and then we can kiss this house good bye. It's a lovely house with good character, but it hasn't been kept up very well. (Landlady refuses to put money into it unless she has to!) Needs to be torn down. Unfortunately. Such a pity. Still, I'm looking forward to water pressure ... and other things that work properly.
By Spring, Tavis should hear what's happening with his transfer and what base he needs to go to for new training. I'll be holding down the fort at home, but where he goes will decide how long he's gone for.
I think I'll take a big stab at tidying my spaces up this weekend. A clean desk may be the sign of a disturbed mind, but it also reduces the feeling of tension too. If your space is cluttered, then your life mirrors it. I find it to be so, at least. Might even get brave and tidy Tom's space a bit. Normally, I don't like to go into his private spaces though. Especially his room. We'll see. There are a couple of things I can do that would be non-invasive. My space first though.
Okay ... time to get back to my book. It's about to get good ...
Sweet Dreams!
Thursday, December 25, 2014
Sunday, August 03, 2014
"I'm giv'n ye all she's got, Captain, an' I canna give ye no more."
Sunday, Aug 3, 2014 - 22:38
Music: Hooked On a Feeling (Guardians of the Galaxy Mix)Thought for the Day: "It is the marriage of the soul with Nature that makes the intellect fruitful, and gives birth to imagination." ~ Henry David Thoreau
It's been a difficult couple of days. Who am I kidding? It's been difficult for a while now. What's disappointing is that I thought things were getting better. But I'm dealing with issues now that I've never had to deal with alone before. The depression, I can handle. I just allow myself some mopey time and try to relax on my own. Sometimes Tavis catches the signs before I do and he shoos me off to my office to go watch some anime. And he's been teaching me a little with the punching bag we've set up in the garage to help deal with the stress levels. But ... I don't know what to do about the anxiety and the trust issues. Tavis and I have known each other for about three years now, and we've shared the house for about one of those years. It was only about six months ago that he came home with an announcement and I suddenly realised that he actually liked me (as a friend, of course) and that I actually believed him. So I had a few blissful months where I knew somebody actually liked me ... and then the doubt set in. I realised that I was trying to convince myself that he would soon get tired of me, just like "everybody else" eventually does.
He's not the only one that I've been having issues with. I had met up with a guy through eHarmony. He was the only one that didn't immediately try to grope me, or set up an orgy of some sort, or just plain give up on me. He still chats with me now and then, but I haven't been easy to get to know. It freaks me out a little that he just wants to spend time at his place ... he won't spend time with me anywhere else. And every time I try to get the gumption to get up and just go already! ... I end up, I admit it, flaking out. (If flaking out means what I think ...) I can't bring myself to go. I've actually made myself ill a couple times.
Maybe I'm not ready for a relationship yet? Maybe I'm feeling rushed because of my age? I went through an awful lot of crap with Jade and I'm still discovering the damage done. I'm still trying to fix things. It's getting to a point where I don't think I can handle things on my own any more. There are things coming to the surface that I'm having trouble dealing with and still try functioning normally. I should see my doctor, but I'm afraid that he'll put me on pills and I don't want that. He had spoken with me previously about stress leave. That might be an option ... made much easier by my recently quitting my job. Maybe not smart, but really, I am tired of coming home and ranting to Tavis. He doesn't need to deal with my anger like that. All he can do is listen. And I'm worried that I'm coming across as a whiner, or a prima donna.
Anyway, that's just the tip of the iceberg ... I'll try to write more later. I'm feeling pathetic and I would like to cheer myself up by spending time with Tavis.
Sweet Dreams
Friday, June 27, 2014
Still Young and Just as Restless
(aka - My Heart, My Soul, My Hero.)
Thursday, June 26, 2014
Mood: Restless, relaxed, and exhausted. (Did I ever mention that I'm considered complicated?)
Music: Hooked On a Feeling (Guardians of the Galaxy Mix)
Thought for the Day: Just because something isn't happening for you right now doesn't mean that it will never happen. If you want it, keep working for it. If you don't want it, do everything you can to prevent it ... and if you can't, then accept it gracefully and make it work for you instead of against you.
Wow! Four months since my last post. I'm getting faster. LOL! Where did I leave you? Ah, yes ... Four weeks until the end of my course. I had recently been to see my doctor who informed me that I was basically insane to keep the schedule that I had going and that I needed to stop it. With only 1 month left out of 9?? that's like having an abortion because I was tired of the kicking. It was the working 6 days a week on top of it that really concerned him. granted, my boss was desperate for help, but I went in there looking for part time work. I still resent them for that. Deeply, despite trying to let it go. And to find out that I was breaking my body for them and I was making less than the two girls hired after me who did nothing all day but answer phones. It chaps my hide. Still. I plan on giving full consideration this weekend on quitting and trying to find a job in the direction of what I actually trained for.
Ah, yes ... my training. Damn school. If you have one near you, avoid CDI College at all costs. It's such a joke. (Cue Buffy TVS's theme song. Perfect!) I was having trouble finding a practicum placement. I had been searching since February, but by the third week of April, I'd had little to no response. 1 job interview. they decided last minute to go with somebody internal. *sigh* anyway, the "school" managed to cheat me out of my practicum experience. They called me up and claimed that my current job counted as close enough and I should get my boss to sign/fill out the practicum documents. I was floored. My position in the call centre has nothing ... NOTHING, I say ... to do with payroll or accounting. Certainly next to nothing that I had learned was being used. I went to my boss. Her reaction was the same as mine. She signed the paperwork anyway, just to help me get CDI out of my life.
Tavis has been such a huge support. He could see me getting to the end of my rope. The end of my rope. that's such a neat sounding phrase for the mess that I was quickly becoming. I discussed quitting a few times. But I kept plugging away ... I was almost done. I didn't want to waste my money. Guess it was really too late for THAT. But he was going to support what ever decision that I made. I pointed out that my practicum may not be paid. No problem. I could skip rent for a month. I pointed out that I was also responsible for groceries, etc ... No problem. What ever I needed, he would make sure I had.
Well, I stuck to my guns and completed the course. Missed passing my final exam by 1%. My brain was complete swiss cheese by that point. In hindsight, I should have taken my doctor's advice. Guess I'm too stubborn for my own good. When I failed (horrible word!!) the final for the Payroll course, I discovered that CDI fixes it's numbers to make itself look good. I was TRANSFERRED TO ANOTHER COURSE and given a pass in that. This is how they manage to maintain their success rate as well as they have. They cheat. the system, the students ... even the staff. The turn around in the office was phenomenal. I want to complain to somebody. To uncover them so that every body can see what a joke they are as a school. But I have no idea who to call. I have meager training, no experience and in a few months I will have two loans to pay off for my pains. I can't afford them. School took all my savings and I'm living paycheque to paycheque. Granted, if I cut back on my comics (my only indulgence), I can save a bit. I have already created a budget for that, so we'll see. Tavis suggested that I apply for Loan Relief (or something like that) ... I will try to find out the details of that. Meanwhile, i need a better paying job! I need a car!
My brain feels really scattered about all this ... not a lot has really happened and yet so much has, at the same time. My weight still fluctuates. So does my size. I recently bought a bike to help me get to work ... it's not helping me get there on time. I have no motivation to be there other than to receive a paycheque. That's a horrible reason to stay. (In case you were wondering, I talked to Tavis about quitting and getting a job elsewhere ... he told me to 'Go for it.' Lady bless, I love this man.) I'm still learning how to use my bike. (Gears never seem the same style twice on the damn things) and frankly, I'm learning to ride it smoothly again. I don't move the same. I have trouble swinging my leg over the seat. My cardio is alarmingly bad. I fell off my bike the other day when I came to a stop because I forgot to get off the seat to stand when I came to a stop. Bruised my hip, my leg and my pride. Scuffed the bike a tiny bit. I'll get better. I am getting better.
I was taking singing lessons, for those of you who didn't know. I'm slowly building my confidence as a soloist ... and starting to hear sounds I haven't heard myself make in years. The joy that I feel while singing is simply exhilarating. I've really missed it. Learning by ear right now, but I'm still finding my nitch. Lots of Folk, Country and Broadway right now. And Disney. Apparently, I'm very good at singing like a Disney Princess. My coach adores me. Helps that were were already friends ... AND that her violin teacher was my choral teacher. Miss you Ms L.
Ugh ... cramps suck. Just sayin'.
My father died last month. I inherited his masonic ring, masonic bible (ooookay!) and a shoulder patch from his uniform. Also, I was given a mini urn with his ashes. Not that he'll come looking for me. Lawrence came for the funeral and told me that Dad thought I hated him. I was very sad to hear that. I didn't hate him. Never had. I've let him know when he made me angry, but I've never hated him. Well, I'm sure that he knows now. Albert will set him straight ... and he'll finally have met Campbell. My beautiful, beautiful boy. And if they can't convince him, well, Spot will set him straight. He was always my ultimate champion.
Ultimate champion. A role that has been awarded to another. And he's well aware of how much of an honour it is to be placed there ... where Spot had been. You guessed it. Tavis. Such a special man ... he has shocked me more than once in the last few years. He's supportive, extremely protective (but not smothering) and won't let me say, never mind think, anything about myself that isn't positive. My place by his side is solid. He won't let anybody come between us. He recently was set up with a girl and was very surprised that he was so attracted to her. I was quite surprised myself. (Especially when I realised that he barely knew her.) I'd figured out rather quickly that she was making all the moves and he was letting them happen ... I didn't blame him for it though. First sight attractions like that are pretty heady things. I was very happy for him that he'd found some body he liked. A couple of days later, I went out with friends from work. It wasn't supposed to work out like that, but it turned out to be two couples and me. I have had lots of experience being the fifth wheel before ... and I thought it would be easy to deal with once more. I mean it was only a movie. But as I stood outside, waiting for Tavis to come and pick me up as I watched all these couples walk past me ( there were a bloody LOT!!) I found myself rather depressed. I held myself together most of the way home, but had a mini meltdown. It wasn't just the "fifth wheel" ... it was being an outsider again with friends, and with Tavis. I've had a few close guy friends in the past and the story has always been the same. we're joined at the hip ... until they get a girlfriend. they they don't need me anymore, or their girlfriend has issues with her boyfriend spending time with me. So my guy friends tend to disappear on me. I realised that I was waiting for it to happen with Tavis ... I was terrified over it. It had taken him two years to make me believe that he actually liked me ... I couldn't lose him. I couldn't be utterly alone again. The panic attack lasted three days. It took Tavis that long to convince me that I was special to him and he wasn't letting me go anywhere unless I wanted to leave. There were other things going on that he explained to me and I eventually got myself under control again. I really need to speak to my doctor about getting some kind of stress leave. That episode scared me. I think it alarmed Tavis too. During those three days, I was top priority. Nobody else was allowed over. Honestly, I'm not sure there was a better cure. Tavis truly is my best friend ... I'll never really be alone again. It's good to know.
It's funny, actually ... I've often helped to "fix" people. As an empath, it's second nature to me. When Lynne set us up, that's what she wanted me to do. I was supposed to "fix" him while falling madly in love with him. (Which, I think, in her mind meant that I was supposed to have lots of sex with him) She said we were perfect each other ... and we were. I've never felt a solid connection to anybody before. It's tighter than what I ever felt with Jade. It helps that Tavis can tell me anything, and Jade rarely shared his inner self. Am I healing him? Yes, I think I am. I'm healing him, just as I've helped to calm his cat. (People have remarked on the difference in her manners.) But over the past years, I've asked people - When is it my turn? Who heals the Healer? Now I know. My best friend is doing it. He's helping me on so many levels ... there are wounds that I didn't even know that I HAD that I can feel getting better. Stronger.
Another dramatic event ... only a couple months earlier? Lavender abandonned me. I was quite shocked actually. We'd had a disagreement about something. A disappointment. A small hurt ... but we'd gotten over it. Or I thought we had. I had. We were talking and laughing on Facebook ... and then one day, I went to share something with her ... and she was gone. She'd actually blocked me. I have no clue why. It felt very unlike her though. Lavender was all about discussing and forgiving and working things out. Giving chances. I was left mystified ... but what could I do? I let it go.
Cue Music: Neverending Story ... I love how this keeps working out ...
What else? If you aren't asleep by now ... Let's see. I've managed a tiny garden this year. Tomatoes, raspberries, strawberries, and some flowers. I just couldn't get the weeds cleared fast enough. Not with all the rain. I'm hoping that next year ... if things go the way we want, I'll have another summer here and I can get things DONE on time. (I plan on buying a rototiller this Fall, since it's proven to be impossible to borrow, rent or hire one!) We'll see though. Clearing things in the Fall may be the needed step that I've been missing the last couple of springs. If not, well, I'll have to wait and see what the next house brings. :)
Well, I have to get to bed, I guess. I have a garage sale to prep for. I was supposed to get that done today, and then have small things like pricing to do tomorrow ... well, I'll just have to work that much harder, I guess. And if I have to, the sale will be NEXT weekend instead. Hope not. I'm sure Tavis would like to park in the garage soon ... which reminds me. Gotta find a place for all that wood too. Mmmm ... Marshmallows ...
Sweet Dreams!
Thursday, June 26, 2014
Mood: Restless, relaxed, and exhausted. (Did I ever mention that I'm considered complicated?)
Music: Hooked On a Feeling (Guardians of the Galaxy Mix)
Thought for the Day: Just because something isn't happening for you right now doesn't mean that it will never happen. If you want it, keep working for it. If you don't want it, do everything you can to prevent it ... and if you can't, then accept it gracefully and make it work for you instead of against you.
Wow! Four months since my last post. I'm getting faster. LOL! Where did I leave you? Ah, yes ... Four weeks until the end of my course. I had recently been to see my doctor who informed me that I was basically insane to keep the schedule that I had going and that I needed to stop it. With only 1 month left out of 9?? that's like having an abortion because I was tired of the kicking. It was the working 6 days a week on top of it that really concerned him. granted, my boss was desperate for help, but I went in there looking for part time work. I still resent them for that. Deeply, despite trying to let it go. And to find out that I was breaking my body for them and I was making less than the two girls hired after me who did nothing all day but answer phones. It chaps my hide. Still. I plan on giving full consideration this weekend on quitting and trying to find a job in the direction of what I actually trained for.
Ah, yes ... my training. Damn school. If you have one near you, avoid CDI College at all costs. It's such a joke. (Cue Buffy TVS's theme song. Perfect!) I was having trouble finding a practicum placement. I had been searching since February, but by the third week of April, I'd had little to no response. 1 job interview. they decided last minute to go with somebody internal. *sigh* anyway, the "school" managed to cheat me out of my practicum experience. They called me up and claimed that my current job counted as close enough and I should get my boss to sign/fill out the practicum documents. I was floored. My position in the call centre has nothing ... NOTHING, I say ... to do with payroll or accounting. Certainly next to nothing that I had learned was being used. I went to my boss. Her reaction was the same as mine. She signed the paperwork anyway, just to help me get CDI out of my life.
Tavis has been such a huge support. He could see me getting to the end of my rope. The end of my rope. that's such a neat sounding phrase for the mess that I was quickly becoming. I discussed quitting a few times. But I kept plugging away ... I was almost done. I didn't want to waste my money. Guess it was really too late for THAT. But he was going to support what ever decision that I made. I pointed out that my practicum may not be paid. No problem. I could skip rent for a month. I pointed out that I was also responsible for groceries, etc ... No problem. What ever I needed, he would make sure I had.
Well, I stuck to my guns and completed the course. Missed passing my final exam by 1%. My brain was complete swiss cheese by that point. In hindsight, I should have taken my doctor's advice. Guess I'm too stubborn for my own good. When I failed (horrible word!!) the final for the Payroll course, I discovered that CDI fixes it's numbers to make itself look good. I was TRANSFERRED TO ANOTHER COURSE and given a pass in that. This is how they manage to maintain their success rate as well as they have. They cheat. the system, the students ... even the staff. The turn around in the office was phenomenal. I want to complain to somebody. To uncover them so that every body can see what a joke they are as a school. But I have no idea who to call. I have meager training, no experience and in a few months I will have two loans to pay off for my pains. I can't afford them. School took all my savings and I'm living paycheque to paycheque. Granted, if I cut back on my comics (my only indulgence), I can save a bit. I have already created a budget for that, so we'll see. Tavis suggested that I apply for Loan Relief (or something like that) ... I will try to find out the details of that. Meanwhile, i need a better paying job! I need a car!
My brain feels really scattered about all this ... not a lot has really happened and yet so much has, at the same time. My weight still fluctuates. So does my size. I recently bought a bike to help me get to work ... it's not helping me get there on time. I have no motivation to be there other than to receive a paycheque. That's a horrible reason to stay. (In case you were wondering, I talked to Tavis about quitting and getting a job elsewhere ... he told me to 'Go for it.' Lady bless, I love this man.) I'm still learning how to use my bike. (Gears never seem the same style twice on the damn things) and frankly, I'm learning to ride it smoothly again. I don't move the same. I have trouble swinging my leg over the seat. My cardio is alarmingly bad. I fell off my bike the other day when I came to a stop because I forgot to get off the seat to stand when I came to a stop. Bruised my hip, my leg and my pride. Scuffed the bike a tiny bit. I'll get better. I am getting better.
I was taking singing lessons, for those of you who didn't know. I'm slowly building my confidence as a soloist ... and starting to hear sounds I haven't heard myself make in years. The joy that I feel while singing is simply exhilarating. I've really missed it. Learning by ear right now, but I'm still finding my nitch. Lots of Folk, Country and Broadway right now. And Disney. Apparently, I'm very good at singing like a Disney Princess. My coach adores me. Helps that were were already friends ... AND that her violin teacher was my choral teacher. Miss you Ms L.
Ugh ... cramps suck. Just sayin'.
My father died last month. I inherited his masonic ring, masonic bible (ooookay!) and a shoulder patch from his uniform. Also, I was given a mini urn with his ashes. Not that he'll come looking for me. Lawrence came for the funeral and told me that Dad thought I hated him. I was very sad to hear that. I didn't hate him. Never had. I've let him know when he made me angry, but I've never hated him. Well, I'm sure that he knows now. Albert will set him straight ... and he'll finally have met Campbell. My beautiful, beautiful boy. And if they can't convince him, well, Spot will set him straight. He was always my ultimate champion.
Ultimate champion. A role that has been awarded to another. And he's well aware of how much of an honour it is to be placed there ... where Spot had been. You guessed it. Tavis. Such a special man ... he has shocked me more than once in the last few years. He's supportive, extremely protective (but not smothering) and won't let me say, never mind think, anything about myself that isn't positive. My place by his side is solid. He won't let anybody come between us. He recently was set up with a girl and was very surprised that he was so attracted to her. I was quite surprised myself. (Especially when I realised that he barely knew her.) I'd figured out rather quickly that she was making all the moves and he was letting them happen ... I didn't blame him for it though. First sight attractions like that are pretty heady things. I was very happy for him that he'd found some body he liked. A couple of days later, I went out with friends from work. It wasn't supposed to work out like that, but it turned out to be two couples and me. I have had lots of experience being the fifth wheel before ... and I thought it would be easy to deal with once more. I mean it was only a movie. But as I stood outside, waiting for Tavis to come and pick me up as I watched all these couples walk past me ( there were a bloody LOT!!) I found myself rather depressed. I held myself together most of the way home, but had a mini meltdown. It wasn't just the "fifth wheel" ... it was being an outsider again with friends, and with Tavis. I've had a few close guy friends in the past and the story has always been the same. we're joined at the hip ... until they get a girlfriend. they they don't need me anymore, or their girlfriend has issues with her boyfriend spending time with me. So my guy friends tend to disappear on me. I realised that I was waiting for it to happen with Tavis ... I was terrified over it. It had taken him two years to make me believe that he actually liked me ... I couldn't lose him. I couldn't be utterly alone again. The panic attack lasted three days. It took Tavis that long to convince me that I was special to him and he wasn't letting me go anywhere unless I wanted to leave. There were other things going on that he explained to me and I eventually got myself under control again. I really need to speak to my doctor about getting some kind of stress leave. That episode scared me. I think it alarmed Tavis too. During those three days, I was top priority. Nobody else was allowed over. Honestly, I'm not sure there was a better cure. Tavis truly is my best friend ... I'll never really be alone again. It's good to know.
It's funny, actually ... I've often helped to "fix" people. As an empath, it's second nature to me. When Lynne set us up, that's what she wanted me to do. I was supposed to "fix" him while falling madly in love with him. (Which, I think, in her mind meant that I was supposed to have lots of sex with him) She said we were perfect each other ... and we were. I've never felt a solid connection to anybody before. It's tighter than what I ever felt with Jade. It helps that Tavis can tell me anything, and Jade rarely shared his inner self. Am I healing him? Yes, I think I am. I'm healing him, just as I've helped to calm his cat. (People have remarked on the difference in her manners.) But over the past years, I've asked people - When is it my turn? Who heals the Healer? Now I know. My best friend is doing it. He's helping me on so many levels ... there are wounds that I didn't even know that I HAD that I can feel getting better. Stronger.
Another dramatic event ... only a couple months earlier? Lavender abandonned me. I was quite shocked actually. We'd had a disagreement about something. A disappointment. A small hurt ... but we'd gotten over it. Or I thought we had. I had. We were talking and laughing on Facebook ... and then one day, I went to share something with her ... and she was gone. She'd actually blocked me. I have no clue why. It felt very unlike her though. Lavender was all about discussing and forgiving and working things out. Giving chances. I was left mystified ... but what could I do? I let it go.
Cue Music: Neverending Story ... I love how this keeps working out ...
What else? If you aren't asleep by now ... Let's see. I've managed a tiny garden this year. Tomatoes, raspberries, strawberries, and some flowers. I just couldn't get the weeds cleared fast enough. Not with all the rain. I'm hoping that next year ... if things go the way we want, I'll have another summer here and I can get things DONE on time. (I plan on buying a rototiller this Fall, since it's proven to be impossible to borrow, rent or hire one!) We'll see though. Clearing things in the Fall may be the needed step that I've been missing the last couple of springs. If not, well, I'll have to wait and see what the next house brings. :)
Well, I have to get to bed, I guess. I have a garage sale to prep for. I was supposed to get that done today, and then have small things like pricing to do tomorrow ... well, I'll just have to work that much harder, I guess. And if I have to, the sale will be NEXT weekend instead. Hope not. I'm sure Tavis would like to park in the garage soon ... which reminds me. Gotta find a place for all that wood too. Mmmm ... Marshmallows ...
Sweet Dreams!
Monday, February 24, 2014
Dating Claustrophobia
Mood: Exhausted, slightly depressed
Music: None; sound of heater fan on low setting
Though for the Day: Stand firm for your wants/needs. It IS okay to say 'Stop' ... Otherwise, you have nobody to blame for what happens to you. After all, you let it happen.
So ... this has been distracting me and pulling me down all day. If Tavis realised how affected I was ... well, he hasn't seen much of me today because I was trying to concentrate on my homework, so he didn't notice. And if he did, he's not saying anything yet. After all, it was a minor disturbance in the Force. A small ripple. My inner voice was warning something was wrong, but even it couldn't pinpoint why in time.
So, I had this date on Saturday. It was supposed to be on Sunday, my only day off, but apparently, Ernie refused to meet with me when he was tired (he was planning to get up early for the hockey game). And, apparently, the fact that I was going to be exhausted didn't concern him. Maybe he even planned on it, since, when I protested, he was quite insistent. Apparently, it was very important to be with me NOW and not put it off. So, I was irritated already, but I managed to be pleasant. We went out for dinner ... he chose the appetizer for us (beef nachos) and ate most of it. He then asked if I minded sharing a pizza (despite the fact that I had obviously already chosen what I wanted.) He was guzzling Diet Pepsi like there was no tomorrow. Seriously, he drank four glasses before the food arrived. I had one glass of iced tea, which I couldn't get refilled near the end of the meal. when we were both full, he made no move to relax and talk with me. Instead he got a little twitchy. No, that's not right ... he was tense with excitement. He looked at me and said, 'Okay, now what?' ... Eh? I mean, I'm not an expert on dating by any means, but this date seemed a little off to me. He asked if I would like to come back to his place and check out his Japanese items. I wasn't sure about going to his place (I already felt trapped by being dependent on him for the ride - and his driving was a little erratic. Especially compared to Tavis' defensive granny style.) Still, I couldn't think of a polite reason to turn him down and I was interested in his Japanese collection. So, against better judgement, I agreed. As soon as I did, we was a lot more bolder about touching me. On the way to dinner, he never touched me once ... on the way out of the restaurant, he kept touching my back. Normally, this would indicate, to me, a sign of a gentleman, but it didn't feel like that. It felt possessive, and I felt rushed. On the way in, he held the door for me ... on the way out, I felt pushed through it. He didn't open the car door for me at all during the evening.
When we finally got to his place, I was already uneasy. Tense, but looking calm. (I hope) Still my body language showed discomfort, I know. I kept my arms close to my body, and when I sat down, I was almost wedged into the corner of the couch. He offered me an iced tea and then told me that I could make it myself so that it tasted right. I've never seen such crusty iced tea mix. I wondered how old it was. He dug out a few books and while I looked at them, he settled right beside me ... and put his hand on my leg. I felt uneasy, but said nothing. He put an arm around me and then put his other hand on my leg. By this point, I am tense. I'm starting to feel ill. Then he tried to kiss me. For the briefest fraction of a second, and tiny voice suggested giving up and letting him do it. Followed quickly by Me completely rejecting that horrid idea. In a flash, I had finally put all the facts together and come to the sickening conclusion that he was only on this date for sex. My arm came up between us. He backed off immediately. I sensed a flash of irritation, quickly covered. This reaction alarmed me even more. The scum bum was biding his time ... He immediately delved into talking about Japan again. Carefully not touching me, but not giving me any space either. If he'd been sitting any closer, he'd have been in my lap.
Ernie had been in Japan for four years, teaching English. His experience didn't match what a former co-worker had told me, and he had next to no Japanese paraphernalia in his apartment. In fact, he had next to nothing. He was supposed to be an accountant, but he never talked about it despite knowing what my course was for. He never attempted to speak Japanese to me ... and the few words he mentioned in conversation were pronounced strangely. Like "Otaku", for example. I've heard this used in anime, as well as conventions, so I know I'm saying it correctly. He, well, he wasn't. And he didn't understand the meaning. I tried to explain it to him conversationally. I was dismissed.
Now, I'm not saying that this was all an elaborate set up, but I soon asked to go home. I was very tired (long week) and he kept replying about how this is how he would feel tomorrow. Any opportunity he had to express thanks over my re-adjusting my schedule for the day, or maybe to apologise ... he totally ignored or missed. It was all about him. Wow. Jade is much smoother than this. By the time he got back to my place, he was pouting. No attempt to thank me for a nice evening, get some rest, I'll call you ... nothing. There was no sex. That's all that seemed to matter. He also has not replied to any messages or made any other attempt to contact me. I guess that's that.
His loss. I'm a catch. I'm only going to get better. And I have three other guys that want to date me. Each has maintained that HE is a gentleman. So, we'll see. Best to get the bad apple out of the way, right?
So. Big breath. It's time for bed. Tomorrow is the start of a long week. Only four more to go ... and I am already behind with my school work. (Stupid Ernie.) I'll get a spring break, and then I start my practicum ... I hope.
Things are looking up for me. And there's nothing that I want more right now than to hit a gym. I miss my workouts. Meals are getting healthier too. Tavis is on board with whatever I make, so no worries there. He's also promised that even if I give a guy a "passing grade", my date still has to go through HIM for inspection. LOL!
You really are my best friend, Tavis. Love you.
Sweet Dreams!
Music: None; sound of heater fan on low setting
Though for the Day: Stand firm for your wants/needs. It IS okay to say 'Stop' ... Otherwise, you have nobody to blame for what happens to you. After all, you let it happen.
So ... this has been distracting me and pulling me down all day. If Tavis realised how affected I was ... well, he hasn't seen much of me today because I was trying to concentrate on my homework, so he didn't notice. And if he did, he's not saying anything yet. After all, it was a minor disturbance in the Force. A small ripple. My inner voice was warning something was wrong, but even it couldn't pinpoint why in time.
So, I had this date on Saturday. It was supposed to be on Sunday, my only day off, but apparently, Ernie refused to meet with me when he was tired (he was planning to get up early for the hockey game). And, apparently, the fact that I was going to be exhausted didn't concern him. Maybe he even planned on it, since, when I protested, he was quite insistent. Apparently, it was very important to be with me NOW and not put it off. So, I was irritated already, but I managed to be pleasant. We went out for dinner ... he chose the appetizer for us (beef nachos) and ate most of it. He then asked if I minded sharing a pizza (despite the fact that I had obviously already chosen what I wanted.) He was guzzling Diet Pepsi like there was no tomorrow. Seriously, he drank four glasses before the food arrived. I had one glass of iced tea, which I couldn't get refilled near the end of the meal. when we were both full, he made no move to relax and talk with me. Instead he got a little twitchy. No, that's not right ... he was tense with excitement. He looked at me and said, 'Okay, now what?' ... Eh? I mean, I'm not an expert on dating by any means, but this date seemed a little off to me. He asked if I would like to come back to his place and check out his Japanese items. I wasn't sure about going to his place (I already felt trapped by being dependent on him for the ride - and his driving was a little erratic. Especially compared to Tavis' defensive granny style.) Still, I couldn't think of a polite reason to turn him down and I was interested in his Japanese collection. So, against better judgement, I agreed. As soon as I did, we was a lot more bolder about touching me. On the way to dinner, he never touched me once ... on the way out of the restaurant, he kept touching my back. Normally, this would indicate, to me, a sign of a gentleman, but it didn't feel like that. It felt possessive, and I felt rushed. On the way in, he held the door for me ... on the way out, I felt pushed through it. He didn't open the car door for me at all during the evening.
When we finally got to his place, I was already uneasy. Tense, but looking calm. (I hope) Still my body language showed discomfort, I know. I kept my arms close to my body, and when I sat down, I was almost wedged into the corner of the couch. He offered me an iced tea and then told me that I could make it myself so that it tasted right. I've never seen such crusty iced tea mix. I wondered how old it was. He dug out a few books and while I looked at them, he settled right beside me ... and put his hand on my leg. I felt uneasy, but said nothing. He put an arm around me and then put his other hand on my leg. By this point, I am tense. I'm starting to feel ill. Then he tried to kiss me. For the briefest fraction of a second, and tiny voice suggested giving up and letting him do it. Followed quickly by Me completely rejecting that horrid idea. In a flash, I had finally put all the facts together and come to the sickening conclusion that he was only on this date for sex. My arm came up between us. He backed off immediately. I sensed a flash of irritation, quickly covered. This reaction alarmed me even more. The scum bum was biding his time ... He immediately delved into talking about Japan again. Carefully not touching me, but not giving me any space either. If he'd been sitting any closer, he'd have been in my lap.
Ernie had been in Japan for four years, teaching English. His experience didn't match what a former co-worker had told me, and he had next to no Japanese paraphernalia in his apartment. In fact, he had next to nothing. He was supposed to be an accountant, but he never talked about it despite knowing what my course was for. He never attempted to speak Japanese to me ... and the few words he mentioned in conversation were pronounced strangely. Like "Otaku", for example. I've heard this used in anime, as well as conventions, so I know I'm saying it correctly. He, well, he wasn't. And he didn't understand the meaning. I tried to explain it to him conversationally. I was dismissed.
Now, I'm not saying that this was all an elaborate set up, but I soon asked to go home. I was very tired (long week) and he kept replying about how this is how he would feel tomorrow. Any opportunity he had to express thanks over my re-adjusting my schedule for the day, or maybe to apologise ... he totally ignored or missed. It was all about him. Wow. Jade is much smoother than this. By the time he got back to my place, he was pouting. No attempt to thank me for a nice evening, get some rest, I'll call you ... nothing. There was no sex. That's all that seemed to matter. He also has not replied to any messages or made any other attempt to contact me. I guess that's that.
His loss. I'm a catch. I'm only going to get better. And I have three other guys that want to date me. Each has maintained that HE is a gentleman. So, we'll see. Best to get the bad apple out of the way, right?
So. Big breath. It's time for bed. Tomorrow is the start of a long week. Only four more to go ... and I am already behind with my school work. (Stupid Ernie.) I'll get a spring break, and then I start my practicum ... I hope.
Things are looking up for me. And there's nothing that I want more right now than to hit a gym. I miss my workouts. Meals are getting healthier too. Tavis is on board with whatever I make, so no worries there. He's also promised that even if I give a guy a "passing grade", my date still has to go through HIM for inspection. LOL!
You really are my best friend, Tavis. Love you.
Sweet Dreams!
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