(aka - My Heart, My Soul, My Hero.)
Thursday, June 26, 2014
Mood: Restless, relaxed, and exhausted. (Did I ever mention that I'm considered complicated?)
Music: Hooked On a Feeling (Guardians of the Galaxy Mix)
Thought for the Day: Just because something isn't happening for you right now doesn't mean that it will never happen. If you want it, keep working for it. If you don't want it, do everything you can to prevent it ... and if you can't, then accept it gracefully and make it work for you instead of against you.
Wow! Four months since my last post. I'm getting faster. LOL! Where did I leave you? Ah, yes ... Four weeks until the end of my course. I had recently been to see my doctor who informed me that I was basically insane to keep the schedule that I had going and that I needed to stop it. With only 1 month left out of 9?? that's like having an abortion because I was tired of the kicking. It was the working 6 days a week on top of it that really concerned him. granted, my boss was desperate for help, but I went in there looking for part time work. I still resent them for that. Deeply, despite trying to let it go. And to find out that I was breaking my body for them and I was making less than the two girls hired after me who did nothing all day but answer phones. It chaps my hide. Still. I plan on giving full consideration this weekend on quitting and trying to find a job in the direction of what I actually trained for.
Ah, yes ... my training. Damn school. If you have one near you, avoid CDI College at all costs. It's such a joke. (Cue Buffy TVS's theme song. Perfect!) I was having trouble finding a practicum placement. I had been searching since February, but by the third week of April, I'd had little to no response. 1 job interview. they decided last minute to go with somebody internal. *sigh* anyway, the "school" managed to cheat me out of my practicum experience. They called me up and claimed that my current job counted as close enough and I should get my boss to sign/fill out the practicum documents. I was floored. My position in the call centre has nothing ... NOTHING, I say ... to do with payroll or accounting. Certainly next to nothing that I had learned was being used. I went to my boss. Her reaction was the same as mine. She signed the paperwork anyway, just to help me get CDI out of my life.
Tavis has been such a huge support. He could see me getting to the end of my rope. The end of my rope. that's such a neat sounding phrase for the mess that I was quickly becoming. I discussed quitting a few times. But I kept plugging away ... I was almost done. I didn't want to waste my money. Guess it was really too late for THAT. But he was going to support what ever decision that I made. I pointed out that my practicum may not be paid. No problem. I could skip rent for a month. I pointed out that I was also responsible for groceries, etc ... No problem. What ever I needed, he would make sure I had.
Well, I stuck to my guns and completed the course. Missed passing my final exam by 1%. My brain was complete swiss cheese by that point. In hindsight, I should have taken my doctor's advice. Guess I'm too stubborn for my own good. When I failed (horrible word!!) the final for the Payroll course, I discovered that CDI fixes it's numbers to make itself look good. I was TRANSFERRED TO ANOTHER COURSE and given a pass in that. This is how they manage to maintain their success rate as well as they have. They cheat. the system, the students ... even the staff. The turn around in the office was phenomenal. I want to complain to somebody. To uncover them so that every body can see what a joke they are as a school. But I have no idea who to call. I have meager training, no experience and in a few months I will have two loans to pay off for my pains. I can't afford them. School took all my savings and I'm living paycheque to paycheque. Granted, if I cut back on my comics (my only indulgence), I can save a bit. I have already created a budget for that, so we'll see. Tavis suggested that I apply for Loan Relief (or something like that) ... I will try to find out the details of that. Meanwhile, i need a better paying job! I need a car!
My brain feels really scattered about all this ... not a lot has really happened and yet so much has, at the same time. My weight still fluctuates. So does my size. I recently bought a bike to help me get to work ... it's not helping me get there on time. I have no motivation to be there other than to receive a paycheque. That's a horrible reason to stay. (In case you were wondering, I talked to Tavis about quitting and getting a job elsewhere ... he told me to 'Go for it.' Lady bless, I love this man.) I'm still learning how to use my bike. (Gears never seem the same style twice on the damn things) and frankly, I'm learning to ride it smoothly again. I don't move the same. I have trouble swinging my leg over the seat. My cardio is alarmingly bad. I fell off my bike the other day when I came to a stop because I forgot to get off the seat to stand when I came to a stop. Bruised my hip, my leg and my pride. Scuffed the bike a tiny bit. I'll get better. I am getting better.
I was taking singing lessons, for those of you who didn't know. I'm slowly building my confidence as a soloist ... and starting to hear sounds I haven't heard myself make in years. The joy that I feel while singing is simply exhilarating. I've really missed it. Learning by ear right now, but I'm still finding my nitch. Lots of Folk, Country and Broadway right now. And Disney. Apparently, I'm very good at singing like a Disney Princess. My coach adores me. Helps that were were already friends ... AND that her violin teacher was my choral teacher. Miss you Ms L.
Ugh ... cramps suck. Just sayin'.
My father died last month. I inherited his masonic ring, masonic bible (ooookay!) and a shoulder patch from his uniform. Also, I was given a mini urn with his ashes. Not that he'll come looking for me. Lawrence came for the funeral and told me that Dad thought I hated him. I was very sad to hear that. I didn't hate him. Never had. I've let him know when he made me angry, but I've never hated him. Well, I'm sure that he knows now. Albert will set him straight ... and he'll finally have met Campbell. My beautiful, beautiful boy. And if they can't convince him, well, Spot will set him straight. He was always my ultimate champion.
Ultimate champion. A role that has been awarded to another. And he's well aware of how much of an honour it is to be placed there ... where Spot had been. You guessed it. Tavis. Such a special man ... he has shocked me more than once in the last few years. He's supportive, extremely protective (but not smothering) and won't let me say, never mind think, anything about myself that isn't positive. My place by his side is solid. He won't let anybody come between us. He recently was set up with a girl and was very surprised that he was so attracted to her. I was quite surprised myself. (Especially when I realised that he barely knew her.) I'd figured out rather quickly that she was making all the moves and he was letting them happen ... I didn't blame him for it though. First sight attractions like that are pretty heady things. I was very happy for him that he'd found some body he liked. A couple of days later, I went out with friends from work. It wasn't supposed to work out like that, but it turned out to be two couples and me. I have had lots of experience being the fifth wheel before ... and I thought it would be easy to deal with once more. I mean it was only a movie. But as I stood outside, waiting for Tavis to come and pick me up as I watched all these couples walk past me ( there were a bloody LOT!!) I found myself rather depressed. I held myself together most of the way home, but had a mini meltdown. It wasn't just the "fifth wheel" ... it was being an outsider again with friends, and with Tavis. I've had a few close guy friends in the past and the story has always been the same. we're joined at the hip ... until they get a girlfriend. they they don't need me anymore, or their girlfriend has issues with her boyfriend spending time with me. So my guy friends tend to disappear on me. I realised that I was waiting for it to happen with Tavis ... I was terrified over it. It had taken him two years to make me believe that he actually liked me ... I couldn't lose him. I couldn't be utterly alone again. The panic attack lasted three days. It took Tavis that long to convince me that I was special to him and he wasn't letting me go anywhere unless I wanted to leave. There were other things going on that he explained to me and I eventually got myself under control again. I really need to speak to my doctor about getting some kind of stress leave. That episode scared me. I think it alarmed Tavis too. During those three days, I was top priority. Nobody else was allowed over. Honestly, I'm not sure there was a better cure. Tavis truly is my best friend ... I'll never really be alone again. It's good to know.
It's funny, actually ... I've often helped to "fix" people. As an empath, it's second nature to me. When Lynne set us up, that's what she wanted me to do. I was supposed to "fix" him while falling madly in love with him. (Which, I think, in her mind meant that I was supposed to have lots of sex with him) She said we were perfect each other ... and we were. I've never felt a solid connection to anybody before. It's tighter than what I ever felt with Jade. It helps that Tavis can tell me anything, and Jade rarely shared his inner self. Am I healing him? Yes, I think I am. I'm healing him, just as I've helped to calm his cat. (People have remarked on the difference in her manners.) But over the past years, I've asked people - When is it my turn? Who heals the Healer? Now I know. My best friend is doing it. He's helping me on so many levels ... there are wounds that I didn't even know that I HAD that I can feel getting better. Stronger.
Another dramatic event ... only a couple months earlier? Lavender abandonned me. I was quite shocked actually. We'd had a disagreement about something. A disappointment. A small hurt ... but we'd gotten over it. Or I thought we had. I had. We were talking and laughing on Facebook ... and then one day, I went to share something with her ... and she was gone. She'd actually blocked me. I have no clue why. It felt very unlike her though. Lavender was all about discussing and forgiving and working things out. Giving chances. I was left mystified ... but what could I do? I let it go.
Cue Music: Neverending Story ... I love how this keeps working out ...
What else? If you aren't asleep by now ... Let's see. I've managed a tiny garden this year. Tomatoes, raspberries, strawberries, and some flowers. I just couldn't get the weeds cleared fast enough. Not with all the rain. I'm hoping that next year ... if things go the way we want, I'll have another summer here and I can get things DONE on time. (I plan on buying a rototiller this Fall, since it's proven to be impossible to borrow, rent or hire one!) We'll see though. Clearing things in the Fall may be the needed step that I've been missing the last couple of springs. If not, well, I'll have to wait and see what the next house brings. :)
Well, I have to get to bed, I guess. I have a garage sale to prep for. I was supposed to get that done today, and then have small things like pricing to do tomorrow ... well, I'll just have to work that much harder, I guess. And if I have to, the sale will be NEXT weekend instead. Hope not. I'm sure Tavis would like to park in the garage soon ... which reminds me. Gotta find a place for all that wood too. Mmmm ... Marshmallows ...
Sweet Dreams!
No comments:
Post a Comment