My Never-Ending Story

February 3, 2010 - 22:08

I've been staring at the screen for a while now. I know I should write, but I seem to be waiting for something. Not sure what. The right song. The right mood. The best phrasing for my thoughts. Maybe a little bit of everything. Maybe I'm fantasizing about the future too much ... Yeah, we can start there, I guess.

I've been dreading Valentine's Day for the first time in my life. I'm not sure why. I've been alone before. I've been dumped more than once, and still never fallen lower than wishful thinking. But, for the first time, I can't feel anything better than a despairing loneliness. Pain. Maybe in prior years I was able to hang on to something. Have I lost touch with hope? Can't be that ... hope is part of the deepest parts of my soul. Even death can't truly take it from me. It can change it, but not steal it. No, it's not hope that's missing. I think that faith is still there too. A little raggedy, and shaken up a bit, but still there within me. Or maybe the problem is that faith isn't strong enough? Perhaps I have trouble believing in my hopes at the moment.

I'll be fine though, I think. Everything will be alright.

So, for those who haven't noticed, I've recently made a move that surprised even me. I became a tenor drummer for the local Highlander Pipe & Drum Band. I'm looking forward to seeing what I can do with this and am pretty axcited about it all. Somebody alsed me why I'm bothering if I'm leaving ... and I pointed out that if I can get a decent job, then I'll stay. As much as I want to go home, I've got a very good environment here. But whether I stay or go, I'm here for another two months ... and I'm going to live life as it comes instead of turning away opportunities. This is also a new outlook for me. I've been basing decisions on the "What If" theory for most of my life. It's amazing how much a person will limit themselves because of something that may, or may not, happen and regret the things that they missed out on. So, whether I leave or not, I am here now amd I'm going to live my life while I'm here!

If I do come back, well, it will be easier than I expected. I had the most fantastic offer from a couple of friends that have been very concerned for me. (Not that others haven't been, but just wait for it.) After a bit of discussion between themselves, they sent me a note. They will loan me the money to come home, and let me stay at their place until I find a job and save up enough to survive on my own. They were even willing to have one of them come to get me so that I wouldn't be alone for the drive! This offer floored me. Seriously, I couldn't form a single rational thought that I could type back for along while.

This is why hope and faith haven't left me completely.

Had a bit of a harsh morning today too ... Admittedly, it started yesterday. I started to get hives on my legs, but didn't think anything of it. It was light and I figured that it would go away. And it did for a bit, but came back again ... and then I woke up this morning and I was almost one giant hive. Arms, legs, my face was covered, my eyes, ears and inside my throat were all puffy. Even the inside of my nose was itchy. I have no idea why. I haven't done, used, or touched, anything new. I first noticed the hives when I put on a pair of sweat pants that I hadn't worn in a while, but they were clean ... so I'm flabbergasted. Certainly doesn't explain why I reacted so strongly. My eyes are still puffy and on the tender side, but the hives seem to be going away. I'm down to a few red blotches now. I'm saving the next pill for before bed because it doesn't make me sleepy, so much as relaxed. Makes my head feel funny.

Makes me feel glad that I never wanted to try drugs. Ugh.

I have to figure out how to get my comics if I end up staying for a longer period of time. Hmm ... Star and the Shepherd both agree that it's pretty expensive to have things sent to the island, but I wonder if there's a way to make it feasible. I mean, I COULD transfer my file to Elfsar, but I'd really prefer to give my money to the Shepherd. (Wow, has it really been about 10 years since I tagged him with that title? Time flies.)

My mind is wandering more now, so it's time to put this entry to bed ...

Sweet Dreams!