Rain Dance

January 29, 2010 - 02:05

Music of the Moment: Rain (Madonna)

The past couple of days have been rough. Today was worse than yesterday, but I have ridden the storm out (this time) and come out feeling limp and used and just ... rag-dolly. The harsh thing about it all was that it wasn't circumstances, or environment ... it wasn't an outside factor that was causing me to struggle. This was an inner battle. Anger. Waves and waves of inky, black, overwhelming anger. It took a great deal of super-human self control to not kill the dog, who suddenly seemed to be the most annoying creature in the world. I didn't leave the house at all the first day. To do so would have been to court the greatest danger - running into somebody else.

I haven't had to deal with a Black Mood like that in years. The last time I did, I used to smack my boyfriend around ... and I don't mean a punch in the arm. I used any excuse to hit him. And, I looked forward to each excuse. It's not a part of my history that I'm proud of, but I'm not going to hide from it either. I will not let that piece of history repeat itself. EVER.

I'm not entirely sure what triggered it this time around. Probably just a build up of stress ... like steam ... that eventually could no longer be contained. At least, that's what I'd like to tell myself. Anger like that ... it was more than stress. Perhaps that was a way of protecting myself ... and encouragement to release some of the pressure. Maybe I was reflecting something else. Maybe both. I don't know. But it was dangerous, whatever it was. I tried to limit my time on the computer, as well. Nothing good was going to come out of my "mouth". Why spread the disease?

I'm better now, but I can feel traces of it still. Doors have been left open and locks have been damaged. It will be back eventually.

*click*
Music of the Moment: Singin' in the Rain (Gene Kelly?)

So, things have pretty much shaped up to show that I will be staying here for another year. The odds are that I won't be home sooner than next spring. While Albert is making a miraculous recovery from his heart pump operation, there is still the mass on his kidney to deal with. And then once he recovers from that, he could go right back under to get his heart transpant. Yup, they think it could happen that fast. So, even if he manages to get everything "done" by Fall, I'll stay through the winter ... No more driving through mountain blizzards for me!!

Of course, now that the stay has been extended, I'm wanting my things. And I have no clue how to get it. LikeI said, no more winter mountain drives for me! At least, not alone! It's a conumdrum ... and I want my plants. I really miss my plants! And my anime! And my mangas! And my books and my crafts and my extra PartyLite items that I could be selling right now! :( *sigh*

It's unknown right now as to whether or not my parents will be able to find a more convenient place to stay in Vancouver - especially within their budget. They are hoping for a dowtown location, closer to the hospital, but we'll see. Depending on where they move, they may be taking some of their things from this house ... so I'll need my stuff.

I'm sure things will work out though. Yes ... Everything will be alright.

Speaking of calamities, Jade has promised to try and come out for a visit. I'm not holding my breath, but I can't help but hope. I admit that I'll be very surprised if he does though. Very, very happy ... but very surprised, all the same. This will be my proper good-bye. A healthier way to end things. Something on my terms ... because the promises keep getting made ... and so do the lies. I can't hold on to the lies anymore. I don't want to. They poison everything else ... all the good memories, because I don't know when the lies started.

BUT I can decide when they will end. And I can look forward to happier times with better friends, and greater loves. And I'll keep in mind, too, that there is nothing better in life, during bad times and good, than a soft, purring cuddle from a cat who loves you.

Today's quote:
"I've made mistakes in my life. I've let people take advantage of me and I acepted way less than I deserve. But I've learned from my bad choices, and even though there are some things I can never get back, and poepl who will never be sorry, I'll know better next time and I won't settle for anything less than I deserve."

Sweet Dreams!