(aka the Winner Takes It All)
January 7, 2010 - 20:00
You know, despite the rocky uncertain-ness of current situations, I had thought that things were getting better. I was getting better. I was wrong. The barrel bottomed out again. Bottomed out? Nah, I think broke and dumped me out!
My apologies for those of you who have read this part already ... although it has been tweaked a bit ...
Joyce had decided (without discussing with me) that she is tired of fighting for the right to get Albert back to the island. She says that she discussed this with him, but I'm sure that she told him and he just agreed. The man can't say no to her. She sent me an e-mail and said that the decision was already made and she was telling the landlady that they are going to be staying in Vancouver.
She intends to have me move in with her. She enjoyed my visit during Christmas and has decided that she wants to keep me here. My being still unemployed was just an excuse she needed to make it happen. It's all been decided for me.
Imagine her surprise when the first words out of my mouth, when I called her, were "I don't want to live in Vancouver." She tried to soothe me by telling me that there were beaches there too ... and Stanley Park.
WTF do I care about beaches and Stanley Park???
Then she tried, "There are greater job opportunities in Vancouver."
I have a job that will hire me at home!! They are just waiting for me to come back!!
This is terribly selfish of her ... but it's placing me in a very difficult position. I know she needs somebody here to help her out with my dad, etc ... and to help her keep her sanity. I was willing to extend my stay here to earn money over the summer before going home. IF I WAS HERE ON THE ISLAND. I have NO interest in Vancouver. Suburb, or not.
I can't stay here without a job. (Nobody is hiring until March!) I can't go home because I now lack funds. (EI dropped me off the cliff and I've stretched it as far as I could. Even if I could get home, everybody who declared me to be a hero for going would shred me for abandonning them now.)
I hate the idea of staying in Vancouver ... and I'm probably going to end up there anyway. (I'm fighting it though.) Yes, I know that the opportunities would be greater, but really, why make myself miserable just to get a paycheque?
And I couldn't stop crying. Had to at one point ... couldn't breathe, and the dog was frantic, because he didn't know what was going on, and Spot was there, blaming him for the whole thing. (Would have been funny, if I was able to laugh.)
That's what happened a couple days ago. Here's what's going on right now. Joyce was so upset about my reaction that she caved and stopped making plans. (Or at least she's stopped telling me about them.) She admits that she panicked. She's now trying to arrange for me to get a vehicle here. She has her eye on a white van ... which would be great for moving back home, or for getting things back here (keeping an open mind, right?) but it's a bit on the overkill side for the little bit of running around I'd have to do here on the island. I'd be happier with a car ...
Most of our hopes are centered on my getting employed by March. I will be employed by March. I refuse to think of any other outcome. And I'm really hoping that people back home will start going to my website and buying a few things. I could really use the support! (Don't feel that you have to explain why you can't - yes, I'm talking to you. I'm not complaining, so much as wishing!)
I feel more grounded as I walk around. And I certainly think that I'm attracting otherworldly attention. I had to go untangle the dog last night, and just as I finished I looked up and saw something at the far corner of the house pause and then start towards me at a quick pace. Ripley and I were in the house is record time. I don't know that I felt threatened, just startled. Never had anything RUN at me like that before. Well ... nothing like THAT. It peeked in the window briefly, then went away again.
And my walks in the trees has been very quiet. In fact, at one point, I went into my usual trail and everything looked completely different. The scenery, the feeling ... it was like I had previously been looking in at something and now somebody has closed a curtain or shut the door. I felt oddly bereft, but not quite left out. A few of the trees are still on speaking terms with me. (No, I'm not crazy.) At first, I thought it was because there had been a storm recently and there was a lot of extra deadfall, but that didn't seem like the right answer either. I don't quite feel snubbed, just no longer under watch. Good thing? Well, Imbolc is coming soon and I'll see if anything happens then.
My insomnia is getting worse. I'd better get this fixed soon ... I'm running out of books!
So, yeah ... all of this ... and I haven't even gotten into my Jade issues yet ... *sigh*
My thanks to those of you who have offered emotional support. New get your butts in gear and send me money! :)
(Just kidding)
(Unless you WANT to! I can't stop you, if you WANT to!)
Sweet Dreams!
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