I Let Time Go Lightly ...

(aka On the Road That Will Take Me Home)

July 4, 2010 - 17:41

Just got home from the local Art Show that my friends were participating in. I was blown away by some of the quality work that was in there. Some were classic picture styles, but others were quite bold. Others still were wonderfully creative. Makes me want to draw something ...

My carrots are finally peeking!! YAY! I was a lot more impatient for them than I was for the others, because I had planted them so late. But now they are peeking and I'm very happy. Radishes, and carrots, and swiss shard, oh my!! Break out the butter!!

The tomato plant isn't doing much up top, but it still looks healthy, so I'm assuming that it's putting out roots. The cucumber and watermelon plants are looking healthy also, as are the pumpkins that just popped up a few days ago! (YAY!) Crossing fingers!

 Just to go over a few things from the last entry ...

Yes, I moved for a reason, but let's remember what that reason was. I came to help my parents with a medical situation. I stayed because this is a fantastic place to be ... and I can't afford to come home. I'm also involved with more things here on the island than I ever was in the city. This is the life style that I am good at, broke, or not. (I still prefer to be NOT broke though!) I didn't leave to get away from Jade, although I admitted, at the time, that the distance was a benefit. I'm quite sure that I would be doing quite well if I had stayed in the city. (Sometimes I wish that I had!)

True, the recent bit of drama made me take a closer look at my feelings, and my current well being. Things that I thought I was in touch with, but realise now that I had mostly just put them away, and closed the door.

Personally, I've come a very long way from the wreck that I had been allowed to become. I had sunk to an unbelievable low ... even I hadn't realised how far gone I was until I started to climb back up again. I am strong again, and my own person in ways that I hadn't quite managed before. My feet have found Home. We won't lose it again.

I'm happier than I have been in years ... in fact, today I found myself talking horses with a lady who is thrilled with my horse experience and wants to hire me when she brings her horses home. :) If that doesn't pan out, I'm in the right location for furthering my education in whatever direction I would wish to choose, be it horses/vet, writing, or going into something completely new.

My weight is once again an immobile figure (stupid muscle), but I'm slimming nicely and I'm enjoying my walks better than ever. I'm feeling and looking beautiful in way that I haven't seen in myself since before my first pregnancy. And I'm going to get more beautiful as time passes. Just watch me.

This is my place. It's my island.

In regards to Jade, well, yes, I still love him. That's the type of person that I am. Love is forever, no matter how much it may have faded, or changed. If I had actually stopped loving him, then the things that had happened would have ceased to hurt. Sometimes I think that what I feel for Jade is more than just Love ... it's a Passion. The connection still exists between us, and I think something still needs to be played out. I'm no longer as dependent on him as I once was though. I'm quite through with putting my life on hold for him. It's his turn to keep up with me.

And with him, or without him, I'm going to soar.

Through the years that we were together, I've always felt that Jade has never truly grown. That he wasn't allowed to grow into the man that I've always seen in him. He was/is capable of great things ... and he's touched on these things more than once, but he's always been jerked back by something I had no control over. (Sometimes it reminded me of a Sailor Moon episode ... when the villainess flaunted her control over the Prince and flaunted it to prove that the Heroine was helpless. Of course, the villianesses in Sailor Moon were pitiful in comparison to the power holding Jade down. I'm waxing fancy now, but seriously, while I can't place all the blame on Jade's mother, I can place, at least, 98.7% of it on her shoulders. She's a great provider ... but not a very good mother.)

Enough of that. I'm not going to get trapped into a rant about Dona. It's too late to save her ...

Anyway, as I was saying, Jade's potential still exists. I feel that he still has his Karmic Lesson to learn, and I wonder if this is it. So I'm waiting. If he agrees to my non-negotiable demands, which were created for my protection, then I will consider giving him the benefit of the doubt. If this happens, I feel that I won't be stepping back, so much as bringing him up to my level, because I have risen well above where he is right now. And he knows it. And I hope he realises that if he lets that happen, and he pulls any of the same shit, I'll drop him again, and he'll fall farther than he's ever gone before. And I won't look back.

I haven't heard a peep from him since that chat, so I'm assuming that he's taking his thinking trip seriously. More than likely, he has his phone turned off or it's been left at home. Good. I want him to decide what he needs in his life. It might not necessarily mean me, and if it's not, well, I hope he's deciding how to get past that. I also sincerely hope that he takes my advice to heart. And if he decides that he needs my help, or if he needs me, then yes, against all advice, I'll probably give it to him ... as long as he follows through with the protection clauses.

This is who I am. Wrong or right, I cannot deny this part of myself ... It's a part of me that's always been there.

I'm going to get in trouble for this entry, I know, but I have given this a lot of careful thought. And I'm not going to run blindly back.

Still getting new possibilities from e-Harmony. I'm beginning to think that there are a LOT of guys out there that either don't check their mail, or they are trying to get through this without paying the fee. Seriously, why use this site if you aren't going to respond? Hercules said to be picky, so I am. In fact, I may be being a bit harsh in a couple cases. I felt a bit bad about that until one guy sent me a set of questions that woke me up a bit. Woke me up to the fact that I had been responding simply because I felt it was expected, not necessarily because I felt the need to. No spark. In fact, I was hesitating at times when I answered their inquiries and it wasn't because I was thinking of good answers. I had to give myself a poke ... this isn't a computer game. Pay attention, lackwit!

Somewhere out there is the guy that I need to feel fulfilled. I just wish he'd hurry and figure out who he is! I'm getting fidgety being the "odd man out".

Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou?

Sweet Dreams ...