The Ride of the Valkyries

July 25, 2005 - 00:37

Mood: Kinda pleasantly blurred - in a good mood, thanks to a good day, but there is a stink in the air outside that's giving me the munchies.
Music: Right Here Waiting ~ Richard Marx (the first "current" song I ever learned the words to!)
Thought for the Day: If you can't love me as I am, then how can you say that you love me?

I didn't think that I was in the mood the write today, despite having things to say, but I just left a big blob of words on a friend's 'blog and realised that I may have been mistaken.

The urge to get my own place is strong within me. I miss the privacy. I miss being able to take a shower and NOT discovering that somebody has turned on the dishwasher while I was in there. I miss taking the opportunity to lay naked in a sunbeam ... you get the idea. I don't want to have to be on my guard all the time - and no matter how nice the person is, or how much you love them, you are going to be on your guard to some degree. No matter how small. I miss not having to watch my mood swings as soon as I walk in the door. Where's the slumping relaxation? When do I get to shake off the mask and the invisibility cloak and just be myself? Being lonely is the sacrifice I make to maintain my sanity.

Besides, my being here is not helping Mom much. For one thing, she never sees me. What am I supposed to do? Quit my jobs? Am I suppose to watch over her every move? She seems wonderfully content to allow somebody else to make the brunt of the decisions. I've been trying to wean her off that, but it's a horrible experience. Right now she's given up on everything. Finding somebody new, getting a job, going to school, losing weight ... DOING anything ... Perhaps it is cruel to let her live alone with that, but I can't afford to let her drag me back down to that level with her. I have my own destiny to weave ... I can't be carving hers too.

She was doing better when I was around more, but I just got a promotion at one job, and it looks like I'm going to be a bit busier with the other. The only thing we are doing for each other right now is sharing a few bills. Getting my own place might mean losing the car ... but maybe by then I will be able to afford my own. We'll see.

I've also been looking at getting my eyes laser corrected ... if they can be. That could affect things in regards to being on my own too. We'll just have to see how my savings do, I guess. I'll need a car for one job, if not the other, no matter what my location will be.

There's also the matter of wanting somebody else in my life, as well. I don't know about you, but it's difficult to be properly romantic with your mother sleeping in the next room. I'm not 16 anymore, dammit.

Speaking of romance. I was invited, out of the blue, to go see the final Harry Potter movie. Best. Date. Ever. (The movie was good too!) If he felt as wonderful as I did, then there was some serious MAGIC happening that evening ... and it wasn't in the movie!

*sigh* My soul ... my soul was so full ...

Sweet Dreams ...