The Pursuit of Happy

October 12, 2011 - 03:12

Mood: Intrigued ...
Music: When the Going Gets Tough - Billy Ocean
Thought of the Day: "To achieve greatness, start where you are, use what you have, and do what you can." ~ Unknown

I was on my way to bed when I thought to give my e-mail a quick check. Had to turn the computer off anyway ... found a reply to an entry.
"Anonymous said... 12/10/11 00:35

Down in the dumps ain't a fun feeling. Been there! Shout at the walls but they close their ears. Gotta be something you can do to keep you happy.... "

I was at first surprised that it was for the previous entry and not the recent one that had been posted almost 24 hrs earlier. The writing style is nagging at me. It feels familiar, but I keep running through a mental list and discarding them. Anyway, it feels like a point is being missed ... which irritates me ...

Dear Anonymous,  I thank you for your concern in regards to my entry. If you have suggestions that I have not tried, I am open to hearing about them. I'd also like to you recognise the fact that I AM TRYING. All my entries show this. But I am a complicated soul looking for a simple solution. It's not out there. Dumping my boyfriend won't keep me from being lonely, or help me learn to trust again. Ditching friends who have hurt me won't help others to like me better, and being what others want me to be won't help people get to know or understand the real me better. Getting another job will keep me busier and out of trouble, but it also gives me a reason to avoid dealing with my problems, and denies me the true peace that I need.

If I find a solution that doesn't lead to a new set of troubles, I'll pass it on. I promise.

(Of course, now your identity is going to keep me up ... feel free to message me.)

Something I can do to keep me happy ... Heh. I could go back to being oblivious to the outside world, but really, that just pains the few friends who know me better. I have intelligence and it irritates them when I hide it or don't use it. And really, was I actually happy? Sure, but I was a child ... that world is barred to me now.

I'm more involved with the community, doing volunteer work and fundraising. I'm putting more effort into my job and my business. I'm also setting myself limits so that I know when I've tried long enough. I'm trying to save up for my own place ... that's an important step ... and that will be easier now that I know I need to budget in pet insurance. I'm learning to put myself first, although I still have trouble with it. I see it as selfish to do things for myself.

But I must also point out that being happy is not something that can really be done alone. I'm happiest when people offer positive feedback or comments. When somebody I love says the words back, keeps a promise, or makes me feel important ... when somebody tells me that I'm beautiful, or have done well with a project. When somebody notices that I've lost weight. When somebody says any of these things unexpectedly,  without my fishing, or bringing up the subject. These lay on the path to happiness just as much as anything that I can do to "keep (me) happy". Don't you agree? If you don't, you are lying to yourself.

Thank you for your note, Anonymous ... whomever you may be. Not only does getting a comment make my day, but comments like yours inspire me to write more ... and that keeps me happy too.

Sweet Dreams!