The Aliens Have Brought Me Back to the Beginning

December 4, 2011 - 03:21


Mood: Introspective
Music: Will find You ~ Clannad
Thought for the Day: What you do today has no effect on the past. Your choices today create choices and opportunities along your path. Face forward and move toward them.

     Have you ever noticed how you don;t need your dictionary until you've buried it? *sigh* I'm such a dork. Still, you know what they say about a clean desk.

     I've been meaning to write for a while now. Actually, I really need to learn to keep paper around me like I used to ... so many lovely little passages have been lost forever from my head. Nice to know it's all coming back. And in a way sad ... since the secret ingredients to my writing seems to be isolation and loneliness with alternating happy and depressed moments. Damn roller coasters. Never been a big fan of them. Too many people falling off.

     Well, it's been a year, almost, since I moved into this apartment to help take care of Mom as she adjusted to widowhood. (Shush, it's a word now!) I'm fence sitting for the moment as I wait to see what will happen next. On one hand, I need my own space (I think I've whined about that already.) On the other, one more year, barring any personal disasters, will put me back into comfortable financial security ... I've written out the budget, assuming we stay in the apartment and it looks fairly good. I could even get my student loan paid off in the next year with an extra payment, or two. Then I would truly be debt free. (I don't consider my credit cards to be debt as the balance fluctuates and I have the payments well under control.)

     I have two songs in my heart ... "My Immortal" by Evanesance, and "What If" by Kate Winslet. The lyrics haunt me. Yes, I feel a writing session coming on. Perhaps I will finally finish or continue some old projects, or even start new ones. This would be great. No, that doesn't begin to describe the relief that the idea brings. I've missed my writing. Sometimes I think that I'm floating through existence and I'm not actually alive unless I am writing  or making love. there are, of course, rare exceptions to this. Aren't there always? This IS me that we're speaking of. "I'm the Only One" by Melissa Etheridge pops up now and then, but my ... rebel moments ... are few an far between lately. I'm so tired. I'm having trouble finding the energy to maintain the blaze. Instead, I have been stubbornly safeguarding the spark ... but the glow sometimes grows dim and I wonder why I bother. Some encouragement would be nice. Something to fuel the hope. From an outside source. Hard to find lately ... despite claims that it's always there. Bah. Games. Foolish ...

     Whoops, I added to the song list ... *sigh*

     Yes, I'm a little depressed. Well, that tends to happen when I get tired and feel strained. I've got a bit of time off work to refresh myself. Not a lot of time, but better than nothing. It's not going to go away any time soon. It's part of the mental scar tissue, and that's been there for decades. As much as I wish I could go back to my happy days, I also realise that those days were lived in a constructed bubble ... a personal world that would be impossible to re-enter. Still ...

    Still, I am as close to my old self as I have been in years. I recognise the life that I had and the person that I was in it as the person who is looking at me in the mirror now-a-days. Older, and more experienced, maybe a bit more worn, but the same. I think I will be alright ... barring any personal disasters. :) No more backsliding. No more barrel bottoms. I feel like I have a solid footing within my life and the only direction I'm going is UP! (Said with strength and conviction, not spunky cheer. Somehow, to me, this makes it seem more realistic and believable. Intense sincerity? Perhaps.)

    Purchased my MP3 player and I have no more excuses to avoid getting back to my workouts. I fell off the wagon, so to speak, just over a month ago, but I'm sure that I will have no trouble getting things back to where they were. It would be easier if I lived alone, but I'll manage.

   Well, I think it's time to hit the sack with a bit of reading, and then to sleep. Been getting to bed later and later lately, and it's getting harder to wake up at a decent time. Sadly, this IS the time of day when I usually do my best writing. LOL! Well, maybe that can work too, eventually. I'm not as young as I used to be though.

     One thing that has been surprising me lately is people making statements in regards to my character/personality. Like they know me. Some of the statements, are off the rock and I know that I am being mocked, but other times, somebody makes a comment that makes me wonder if I'm as closed off as I've been accused of, or if they are just being very observant. Or maybe, it's just a lucky, flippant remark. Hard to say.

     Speaking of people who know me ... You jerk! If you don't open up to me soon and let me into your life, then I'm going to assume that you are clutching me like a security blanket. Security blankets are temporary devices, no matter how loved. Stop playing with my brain, and my heart, and decide what you want already. I'm ready to go either way. The smallest nudge will push me into landing on a side ... and I'd rather it would land me by yours. Stupid. What are you afraid of? Hypocrite!

     Looking forward to getting some shopping done. Especially the Secret Santa at work. No presents last year at all :( so this year will be exciting for me, even with Mom trying to drag me down. Not gonna let her. It's time to start living again ... and I'm starting right NOW!

Sweet Dreams!