Wednesday, July 20, 2016 - 07:15
Mood: Tense, yet determined. (Which explains why I'm awake so early.) Sad, reflective.
Music: Eye of the Tiger ~ Survivor
Thought of the Day: Laugh for thirty minutes a day, but maybe not all at once. Especially if nobody is laughing with you.
I think Facebook is robbing me of my writing. I really do. I get on the computer to write something, and end up on Facebook. Searching a news feed full of mocking memes, American politics, celebrity news and international tragedy in hopes of catching up with news about a friend or two. I only play one game on Facebook, but it requires a bit of time to play. Suddenly, it's three hours later. No writing has been completed. No memory of what I wanted to say exists. Facebook is like mind bleach, but it leaves less than pure white results. Ever used too much bleach on something? Yeah, like that. Once upon a time, we said the same thing about kids and too much TV. Ah, the good ol' days.
I've been on Medical leave since early April. My job refused to give me STD benefit and decided to lay me off instead. I'd been with them for about six months.
So, my last post was strong and positive. As I re-read it, I could feel the positivity and conviction. The strength. I was on the right path at last, and I had backup. Support. Somebody who would help me break the cycle. He promised.
Apparently, I have yet to learn the lesson that promises are made to be broken. My parabatai has found a girlfriend. He recently celebrated two months with her, despite her putting him through the wringer twice with inexplicable tantrums. For once I wasn't worried that I would be dropped as no longer necessary. I was firm in my belief that he meant it when he said that we were a package deal and he wouldn't date a girl who couldn't accept that. He spent the first three weeks seeing her a couple nights a week. He went to Jiu jitsu four to five nights a week. Insert girlfriend's out of the blue tantrum #1. (She bitched him out by text and blocked him on Facebook.) He started to see her three to four nights a week, including her son's soccer games. He started to spend the night. He went to Jiu jitsu less. Meanwhile, I had agreed to sell my mother's car for her. Tavis said he'd assist for safety. (All those kijiji murder stories, you know.) He also knows more about cars than I do. Well, somebody called and was interested in the car. I was expecting him home that afternoon, so I set up a time. I let Mom know and went to start the car. Horrors - it wouldn't start. I panicked and called Tavis. I needed his help. He said he'd arrive shortly. What he didn't tell me was that he was out with his girlfriend and her children at Family Day on the base. He invited me to go back with him, but the sale was taking too long, so he left without me. He took our dog instead. Insert tantrum #2. She'd demanded that he DTR with me. I was insulted - we were best friends and family. (He confirmed this.) Asking us to define the relationship was as stupid as asking him and his army buddy to define theirs, or him and his cousin to define theirs. I pointed out that her fit was simply because I was a female. He started spending every possible spare moment with her. Jiu jitsu happened once or twice a week and he went over after. On a "school night". He frequently came home about midnight or so. Just to throw some perspective out there, we live 30 minutes north of Edmonton. Jiu jitsu is in West Edmonton. Girlfriend lives in north east corner. That's an awful lot of driving. He was also picking them up and driving to her son's soccer practise and games once or twice a week. He joined them at the family lake lot on weekends. He stopped talking to me except for brief small talk.
The only time he stayed at home was when she went out of town, or went for a girl's night out. I'm a firm believer in personal time, so I didn't try to invade his space. The last time she went out of town, he promised to spend the weekend with me. He spent Friday and Saturday watching sports. I have no patience for the hockey draft, so I didn't see him much. Saturday night, I tried to talk with him to let him know how I was feeling (a little abandoned) and asking for a bit of his time on Sunday to do something together like we used to. He was also going to have brunch with Mom and I to celebrate her birthday. I requested that the visit with Mom be girlfriend free. I go out of my way not to text him while he's with her, so I didn't think asking him to go a couple hours without talking to her was too much to ask. It was the only time I've ever asked him for something like that. I wanted him to focus on the visit. He promised. He dropped Mom and I off at the door and parked the truck. He texted her while he was in the truck. I knew because it took him 10 minutes to park the truck. His coffee made it to the table before he did, We placed our orders at last. A few minutes later, he's in the bathroom with his phone. I was a bit surprised. Even Mom remarked on it. He NEVER goes to the bathroom while we are out for a meal. He was miserable for the entire meal. Mom asked him about it. He said he was just tired.
We dropped Mom off in the city immediately after brunch. She didn't want to visit while Tavis was miserable. We went home and he went downstairs to lie down. I looked forward to watching a few shows with him that evening. Less than an hour later, he was changed and chipper. Nap? No. Girlfriend was back in town and wanted to watch a movie. So much for spending the weekend with me. I pointed out that he had promised me some time. He squirmed and said the movie invite was a last minute plan. I obviously wasn't invited. And he obviously was dying to see her. Nothing else mattered. I called him on the texting during Mom's birthday brunch. He didn't deny it. I waved him off, but let him know that I was angry. That was about 17:00 hrs. He came home after 01:00 and asked if I wanted to watch TV with him. I exploded. He just took it. No defence. No explanation. Nothing on his end. I asked if I was his best friend or his hired help. He insisted that I am his best friend.
I want to point out that I've been very supportive of his relationship with his girlfriend. I had resigned myself to being a spare tire once again. I allowed him to use the word "sister" when things were getting rocky. A dreaded word, and he knew it. I did my best to be fair about the situation. When she had her tantrums and broke up with him I encouraged him to not give up and fight for it if she was what he wanted. After tantrum 2 she finally agreed to meet with me. I had been encouraging this for weeks now because she obviously had this image of me that was freaking her out. (Apparently, she calmed right down after that.) When he broke promises, long-standing or otherwise, I never shoved them in his face and demanded that he keep them. I reminded him that he made them and let him make his own choices. I thought that things were okay.
I was wrong.
They are currently visiting his mother out of province. Before he left, he told me that his girlfriend (and probably her mother) accused me of being controlling. It was obvious to me by the way he said it that he hadn't defended me when it was said. I was stunned. This man who said I was his best friend, his family, and for whom I was trying to be 100% fair and supportive, was treating me like an ex-girlfriend. We've never had that kind of relationship. Quite frankly, he claims that he's not having sex with his girlfriend yet either. (Not sure how you can be that addicted to your girlfriend without sex involved, but then a lot of what society does confuses me.) Controlling? I have two people in my life. I was desperately trying not to lose one of them, but I've never tried to be controlling. I wouldn't know how. All I've asked from him is a bit of fairness. According to my best friend, the only way he can find time to spend with me is to give up jiu jitsu. My jaw dropped. He refused to give up a bit of time with his girlfriend, even if it was a few hours every couple of weeks. I pointed out that he spent so much time with her that he didn't live at home anymore. He only came home to change clothes and do some laundry. I asked him when he had last eaten a meal with me. He couldn't remember.
How can I fight to keep somebody in my life when they are struggling so hard to leave it? Every male in my life has walked out of my life. Usually because of a woman. (Actually, I can't think of another example.) He's telling everybody that my anxieties are because of my Dad. I've never said that. Every woman in my life has betrayed me by talking trash about me behind my back, causing lots of problems/drama. Those that didn't cause the trouble just stood by and let it happen. A few have simply walked away and happily forgotten about me. I let one come back. So, yeah, I have some trust issues. I spent most of my life alone, so I don't think the way others do, so I frequently don't understand things that everybody else understands. I have trouble fitting in.
He promised to protect me.
He promised he'd never leave me.
He promised that even if he got a girlfriend, we were a package deal. (I was skeptical, but he insisted.) I would always be a part of his life.
He said he cared for me very much and that he would never, ever hurt me.
He said I was Family. He even learned to call me 'sister' in Japanese.
He said he trusted me so much that he wanted to go into business with me as a partner. (He's currently trying to buy a house that I haven't seen, wasn't involved in choosing, and he offered to HIRE ME to be his property manager. Realtor is the girlfriend's mother.)
He's given up telling me that I am beautiful, because he said it's too much of a bother if I wasn't going to believe him. I told him that I was much better about it than I was when I first moved in and asked him not to give up on me. He still doesn't say it. He doesn't surprise me with flowers any more either. For my birthday, he bought me a shirt. Size 3x. I wear a medium/large. He blamed it on my large breasts. Was he trying to hide them??
I've spent most of the last month crying, depressed, and lonely. He not only broke each promise, he acted like he resented them. All I've asked for was honesty. I can't even get that. He's too busy with his girlfriend. Apparently, they talk about me often. I have no idea what he's saying about me, but i think he's mixing up my details with his own. I have never been presented to her family as part of his family. He's never apologised for breaking his promises or my heart.
He promised to spend time with me when he got back from his mother's because after spending over a week together, they'd probably be sick of each other. I'm not holding my breath for that one. He goes on course in the Fall, and then to Europe in the Spring. That'll be the true test for them. I wish them luck. I really do.
When he left to visit his mother, it was a relief. A lot of my tension went away, and I was able to smile and laugh again. It occurred to me that I had been reflecting a lot of his own tension while he was home. (Being an Empath is fun, they said!) I came to terms with things inside of myself. I put the wall back up. I refused to be bitter. I'm accepting the pain and dealing with it as best I can. I'm moving forward on my own again. I have a path ahead of me, even if it feels like a crumbly goat trail beneath me at times. I'm still moving forward. I start a course next week, and I plan on going through EI to go to GMU for a program that should see me start a new career. Something that should have happened with that CDI joke of a "college". Better late than never, I guess. Still paying for it, but there you go.
It rained this morning. Yard work is currently on hold :( so I will focus on house work today. Looking forward to a sunny afternoon and a good walk with the dog. I'm losing weight!! Even my lying scale says so! Ha ha! Maybe I'll complete the one yard project and plan the next.
Thanks for listening.
Sweet Dreams!
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