Finding Heart's Home

July 31, 2016 - 23:19

Mood: Serene (Believe it, or not)
Music: The Highwayman ~ Loreena McKennit
Thought of the Day: Every time you follow your Dreams, wonderful Realities will follow you! - old Ziggy cartoon

     I like being on my own. There's a sweetness to the silence that can't be found anywhere else. A satisfaction like no other. But I don't like being "alone". There are times when I ache for arms willing to hold me as long as I need, or lips to tell me, by word or deed, how beautiful I am today, at this very moment - whether I am fresh out of the shower, or sweaty from yard work. I miss being told something sincerely. I miss being wanted. THAT makes me feel lonely more than being on my own ever will. Where are you, my lover? Will I ever know you again in this life? I don't want a life that doesn't have you in it. So I will keep looking. You are out there somewhere. I know you are. Are you looking for me? Please don't give up. I need you and I miss you.

     Things with Tavis are better, but nowhere near what they had been. Sometimes I wonder if  I should feel a bit used. But, no. that would only lead to bitterness and other negativity. Should I be grateful for what he tosses to me, like scraps from the table? No. Not that either. That's demeaning and bloody pitiful. I hope to simply be accepting of the new situation and move forward with life. We're all dealing with the newness of it all still. and it has led to some good things. For him. My good things can't be far behind, right? Right? It's hard not to feel like a spare, sometimes. He's making an effort and I appreciate it. Asking for more would be selfish. And it would only confirm certain impressions that are cropping up about me in the background. Allegations that, I'm pretty sure, he's not defending me from. *sigh* Such is my life. So repetitive. Trying to change that though. Moving forward is good. Forward. It's not a race track. I can turn any direction that I wish and take my time getting to my destination. In a Mona Torretto T-shirt. Heh.

     I've finally given in and started taking the sleeping pills prescribed by my doctor. While speaking with the pharmacist, I discovered the sneaky bastard prescribed me sleeping pills that doubled as anti-depressants. The first night was scary. My body was dead weight, but I kept jerking awake in a panic. I felt a strong urge to move my arms and legs around frantically, but my body was heavy, and my eyes wanted to sleep. It was a long time before I actually went to sleep. Waking up was weird. I had trouble moving my body properly. Next night was easier. So was the next day. Crossing fingers for tonight and tomorrow. I'm on the road to recovery at last! Life is much easier when I'm not anxious. Funny how you don;t realise how bad you are until it starts to get better. Like when I first left Jade. It was months before I laughed out loud and I hadn't noticed until I actually did it. That was seven years ago. It's taken me this long to get where I am now. So sad. I was talking to one of his exes, and made a joke about suing him for damages, etc. She actually considered it. LOL! He's not worth the trouble. Really, he's not worth much of anything.

     A house is not a home until the pictures are hung up, don't you think?  Loving my bedroom the best right now. (Which is good, considering I'm learning to sleep again!) The office is almost done. Only a few pictures left to go.

     Time for cookies. :)

Sweet Dreams!