A Happy New Year ... Would Be a Nice Change of Pace

(aka Where Have All the Aliens Gone?)

December 29, 2009 - 00:13

So, I meant to have a nice Solstice message put up, but my Mom tends to take over the computer when she visits with me. Doesn't matter if it's my computer or hers. She's on it. And when she's not, she's asking me to hurry what I'm doing so she can get back on it.

Escape much?

Anyway, I've been to Vancouver and back. Decent enough place, but I wouldn't want to live there. (Sorry, Sonnet, but it's true.) Such a tiny place my parents are renting there. Again, decent enough, if you ignore the fact that the only bathroom is the ensuite. Yep, you have to go through the bedroom to get to it. The front door is incredibly insecure. Even when it's closed, and locked, you can still see the light (and feel the chill) coming around the door. The sound barrier is non- existant between us and the landlord upstairs. And she ALWAYS wears shoes in the house. She's also a pot-head. You could smell it for three nights out of the five I was there. The first night was horrible ... it not only came in the apartment through the furnace ducts, it just billowed outside when I had to take the dog out.

For those of you who don't recall, pot gives me nose bleeds. Luckily, the exposure was minimal.

I had a bit of trouble containing my hormones and got cranky ... often. Mostly when I was tired or hungry. I really did try though. And I told Mom it was PMS so that she didn't let it bother her too much. Apparently, she didn't believe me ... and the look on her face when she saw me take a pad into the bathroom was quite priceless. She's forgotten how much wilder the swings are when I'm off "the pill." Quite frankly, so had I.

My own inner turmoil hasn't helped much either. I've been told that I'm a very brave person with a really big heart and I had made a huge sacrifice to be here to do what I can for my parents. Many people have said this to me. Unfortunately, things haven't been working out as planned, and I can't help the feelings of remorse, self-castigation, and ... thinking that Jade was right. I'm just a loser. Doomed to deal with failures in all aspects of life.

Now, before you get your fingers typing to defend me against myself, I must point out that I KNOW that none of that negative stuff in true. Honestly. But PMS aside, I am still a human being ... and I mourn the fact that I can't do more, never mind what I had intended AS I had intended it. I'm supposed to be covering all aspects here ... rent, utilities, the pets, maintenance of the home ... and I can't. My parents have been supporting me almost entirely. The job I was supposed to have when I got here, didn't happen. I put out resumes, and word of mouth pleas. It wasn't until recently that I was called for an interview, and I've squeezed out every possible penny that I could in the meantime. I wasn't chosen for the applied for position, but my resume was passed on for consideration of another. A position that won't start for another few months. None of this is my fault, I know ... but still ...

I have never felt so doomed. Helpless, I'm used to ... but this feeling of doom ... As of June 1, I have no money. None. What space I have left on my credit cards will go towards food, some PartyLite, and one more payment towards an ongoing bill from home. I have no further income at the moment. Not unless a few juicy orders gets put through my website. And that doesn't seem to be happening either. I have almost 100 customers on file ... and nobody has placed an order since my arrival here. I can't seem to find the right enticement. I've tried sales, contests, charity drives, but nothing seems to work. To be blunt, I haven't had an order go through since August. I finally had two solid leads make their starts ... and I can't even claim them. They'll go under my leader's name. The level of frustration is so high right now that I don't understand why nothing is exploding. And I have nothing to focus my blame on, but myself. No target to draw some of the fire. I can't handle the levels much longer. If I don't get a positive break soon, I'm going to burn out ... but nobody will notice the smoke. Aren't I always on fire?

Okay, okay ... enough of the motional dump. It's good to get it out, but it can go too far, I know.

I'm going to get some sleep and work a few things out in my head. Things will turn out all right in the end. After all, I have my invincibility spell. "Everything is going to be alright." Eventually. I will make it happen.

But first ... some sleep.

Sweet Dreams.