January 29, 2010 - 02:05
Music of the Moment: Rain (Madonna)
The past couple of days have been rough. Today was worse than yesterday, but I have ridden the storm out (this time) and come out feeling limp and used and just ... rag-dolly. The harsh thing about it all was that it wasn't circumstances, or environment ... it wasn't an outside factor that was causing me to struggle. This was an inner battle. Anger. Waves and waves of inky, black, overwhelming anger. It took a great deal of super-human self control to not kill the dog, who suddenly seemed to be the most annoying creature in the world. I didn't leave the house at all the first day. To do so would have been to court the greatest danger - running into somebody else.
I haven't had to deal with a Black Mood like that in years. The last time I did, I used to smack my boyfriend around ... and I don't mean a punch in the arm. I used any excuse to hit him. And, I looked forward to each excuse. It's not a part of my history that I'm proud of, but I'm not going to hide from it either. I will not let that piece of history repeat itself. EVER.
I'm not entirely sure what triggered it this time around. Probably just a build up of stress ... like steam ... that eventually could no longer be contained. At least, that's what I'd like to tell myself. Anger like that ... it was more than stress. Perhaps that was a way of protecting myself ... and encouragement to release some of the pressure. Maybe I was reflecting something else. Maybe both. I don't know. But it was dangerous, whatever it was. I tried to limit my time on the computer, as well. Nothing good was going to come out of my "mouth". Why spread the disease?
I'm better now, but I can feel traces of it still. Doors have been left open and locks have been damaged. It will be back eventually.
*click*
Music of the Moment: Singin' in the Rain (Gene Kelly?)
So, things have pretty much shaped up to show that I will be staying here for another year. The odds are that I won't be home sooner than next spring. While Albert is making a miraculous recovery from his heart pump operation, there is still the mass on his kidney to deal with. And then once he recovers from that, he could go right back under to get his heart transpant. Yup, they think it could happen that fast. So, even if he manages to get everything "done" by Fall, I'll stay through the winter ... No more driving through mountain blizzards for me!!
Of course, now that the stay has been extended, I'm wanting my things. And I have no clue how to get it. LikeI said, no more winter mountain drives for me! At least, not alone! It's a conumdrum ... and I want my plants. I really miss my plants! And my anime! And my mangas! And my books and my crafts and my extra PartyLite items that I could be selling right now! :( *sigh*
It's unknown right now as to whether or not my parents will be able to find a more convenient place to stay in Vancouver - especially within their budget. They are hoping for a dowtown location, closer to the hospital, but we'll see. Depending on where they move, they may be taking some of their things from this house ... so I'll need my stuff.
I'm sure things will work out though. Yes ... Everything will be alright.
Speaking of calamities, Jade has promised to try and come out for a visit. I'm not holding my breath, but I can't help but hope. I admit that I'll be very surprised if he does though. Very, very happy ... but very surprised, all the same. This will be my proper good-bye. A healthier way to end things. Something on my terms ... because the promises keep getting made ... and so do the lies. I can't hold on to the lies anymore. I don't want to. They poison everything else ... all the good memories, because I don't know when the lies started.
BUT I can decide when they will end. And I can look forward to happier times with better friends, and greater loves. And I'll keep in mind, too, that there is nothing better in life, during bad times and good, than a soft, purring cuddle from a cat who loves you.
Today's quote:
"I've made mistakes in my life. I've let people take advantage of me and I acepted way less than I deserve. But I've learned from my bad choices, and even though there are some things I can never get back, and poepl who will never be sorry, I'll know better next time and I won't settle for anything less than I deserve."
Sweet Dreams!
Friday, January 29, 2010
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Yay! I'm a Llama Again! ... Wait ...
(aka Things Will Get Worse When on the Road to Getting Better ... But, Stay Your Course, It's Just a Test!)
(aka Where Have All the Aliens Gone?? Darn Vampires!)
January 16, 2010 - 22:09
Scent: Burning cedar
Song: Oh, What a Feeling! - Crowbar
(Closed my eyes and picked at random. Good choice!)
I am having such a feel good day today that I had to write quickly before something could come up. I know that there will be a low coming soon after this happy high, but I want to enjoy it while it's here!
Some good things happened today. I'm being loaned a car from an out-of-town neighbour, so I have transport! I had a response from one of the posters I hung up yesterday. AND a neighbour wants to have a party! And two more want to make orders! Whee!
Song: Bring on the Rain! LOL!
Another good choice since it's going to rain for the next few days and I'm feeling perky about everything!
Also, came across a Help Wanted sign ... and upon inquiring found that it was for a Baker. Immediate employment is tempting, but the hours are not what I want. 18:00 - Midnight ... with the possibility of some day shifts. Erm ... no. Everytime I take a night job, the PartyLite goes to pot, which is one of the reasons that it hasn't gone anywhere. I have a good chance to do something with it now. I want to keep that opportunity rolling.
But! The lady at the Hardware store remembers me and my resume and is still interested in hiring me ... so I'm not putting all my eggs into one basket, so to speak. Poet's Cove has competition for my abilities! Admittedly, I'd LOVE the Poet's job - it's everything that I want! It plays to my strengths, and it offers learning opportunity and personal challenge! But I'm in a bad place for cash if orders don't come through with the PartyLite and I'll go with whomever calls first and offers a good wage ... and a dental plan. LOL!
Things just feel SO positive for me right now. Even my heart has stopped breaking. Of course, that could be because the pieces can't get any smaller, but I would also like to think that it means I'm ready to move on to somebody who deserves me. Somebody good for me. A good looking guy who loves me for me ... with soft hair that I can run my fingers though. Blonde would be nice, but I'm open minded. ;) Black hair would be good too. Green eyes. Sensitive, yet strong.
Hmmm ... I think I dreamed of him a couple of times. Really strongly.
I guess we'll see who the lucky guy is ...
I have to confess something. I'm honestly considering staying on the island. If nothing else, it gives all of my great friends a place to visit on holiday. Seriously, I'm in an environmentally good place here. Physically, mentally, and mystically. I'm finally healing for the first time in years. It also helps with making sure that I break a bad habit ... Jade. Going home will make me "convenient" again. I don't want to be "convenient" in that way. I'm worth more than that. Time to prove it.
Now, this isn't solid yet. Not written in stone. But I think it's a good direction for me right now. And if anybody needs some of the same, well, the water's warm and prices here aren't all that bad. Provincial tax is going to take some getting used to ... but it's a small price for peace of mind.
I'm open to arguments for coming home ... but it may take longer than orignally planned. For one thing, Joyce and Albert are going to be in Vancouver longer than anticipated. There has been a development in that they have found a growth on Albert's kidney and they have to decide what to do about that - if anything needs to be done. Once that is out of the way, he'll be back on the list for a heart transplant again. The pump is doing wonders for him already and his recovery is surprisingly speedy. I'm sure that this will turn out well, but they'll be in Vancouver longer ... maybe 'til Christmas. So I have to take care of the house.
The more that I explain this path, the better I feel about it. Still, not written in stone until I talk to everybody involved but I feel that this is what's going to happen. And it will be a good thing.
I hope that my friends will find the time to come out and visit. I'll try to have space for you all. ;) Bring furniture.
Sweet Dreams!
(aka Where Have All the Aliens Gone?? Darn Vampires!)
January 16, 2010 - 22:09
Scent: Burning cedar
Song: Oh, What a Feeling! - Crowbar
(Closed my eyes and picked at random. Good choice!)
I am having such a feel good day today that I had to write quickly before something could come up. I know that there will be a low coming soon after this happy high, but I want to enjoy it while it's here!
Some good things happened today. I'm being loaned a car from an out-of-town neighbour, so I have transport! I had a response from one of the posters I hung up yesterday. AND a neighbour wants to have a party! And two more want to make orders! Whee!
Song: Bring on the Rain! LOL!
Another good choice since it's going to rain for the next few days and I'm feeling perky about everything!
Also, came across a Help Wanted sign ... and upon inquiring found that it was for a Baker. Immediate employment is tempting, but the hours are not what I want. 18:00 - Midnight ... with the possibility of some day shifts. Erm ... no. Everytime I take a night job, the PartyLite goes to pot, which is one of the reasons that it hasn't gone anywhere. I have a good chance to do something with it now. I want to keep that opportunity rolling.
But! The lady at the Hardware store remembers me and my resume and is still interested in hiring me ... so I'm not putting all my eggs into one basket, so to speak. Poet's Cove has competition for my abilities! Admittedly, I'd LOVE the Poet's job - it's everything that I want! It plays to my strengths, and it offers learning opportunity and personal challenge! But I'm in a bad place for cash if orders don't come through with the PartyLite and I'll go with whomever calls first and offers a good wage ... and a dental plan. LOL!
Things just feel SO positive for me right now. Even my heart has stopped breaking. Of course, that could be because the pieces can't get any smaller, but I would also like to think that it means I'm ready to move on to somebody who deserves me. Somebody good for me. A good looking guy who loves me for me ... with soft hair that I can run my fingers though. Blonde would be nice, but I'm open minded. ;) Black hair would be good too. Green eyes. Sensitive, yet strong.
Hmmm ... I think I dreamed of him a couple of times. Really strongly.
I guess we'll see who the lucky guy is ...
I have to confess something. I'm honestly considering staying on the island. If nothing else, it gives all of my great friends a place to visit on holiday. Seriously, I'm in an environmentally good place here. Physically, mentally, and mystically. I'm finally healing for the first time in years. It also helps with making sure that I break a bad habit ... Jade. Going home will make me "convenient" again. I don't want to be "convenient" in that way. I'm worth more than that. Time to prove it.
Now, this isn't solid yet. Not written in stone. But I think it's a good direction for me right now. And if anybody needs some of the same, well, the water's warm and prices here aren't all that bad. Provincial tax is going to take some getting used to ... but it's a small price for peace of mind.
I'm open to arguments for coming home ... but it may take longer than orignally planned. For one thing, Joyce and Albert are going to be in Vancouver longer than anticipated. There has been a development in that they have found a growth on Albert's kidney and they have to decide what to do about that - if anything needs to be done. Once that is out of the way, he'll be back on the list for a heart transplant again. The pump is doing wonders for him already and his recovery is surprisingly speedy. I'm sure that this will turn out well, but they'll be in Vancouver longer ... maybe 'til Christmas. So I have to take care of the house.
The more that I explain this path, the better I feel about it. Still, not written in stone until I talk to everybody involved but I feel that this is what's going to happen. And it will be a good thing.
I hope that my friends will find the time to come out and visit. I'll try to have space for you all. ;) Bring furniture.
Sweet Dreams!
Thursday, January 07, 2010
It's a Rich Man's World
(aka the Winner Takes It All)
January 7, 2010 - 20:00
You know, despite the rocky uncertain-ness of current situations, I had thought that things were getting better. I was getting better. I was wrong. The barrel bottomed out again. Bottomed out? Nah, I think broke and dumped me out!
My apologies for those of you who have read this part already ... although it has been tweaked a bit ...
Joyce had decided (without discussing with me) that she is tired of fighting for the right to get Albert back to the island. She says that she discussed this with him, but I'm sure that she told him and he just agreed. The man can't say no to her. She sent me an e-mail and said that the decision was already made and she was telling the landlady that they are going to be staying in Vancouver.
She intends to have me move in with her. She enjoyed my visit during Christmas and has decided that she wants to keep me here. My being still unemployed was just an excuse she needed to make it happen. It's all been decided for me.
Imagine her surprise when the first words out of my mouth, when I called her, were "I don't want to live in Vancouver." She tried to soothe me by telling me that there were beaches there too ... and Stanley Park.
WTF do I care about beaches and Stanley Park???
Then she tried, "There are greater job opportunities in Vancouver."
I have a job that will hire me at home!! They are just waiting for me to come back!!
This is terribly selfish of her ... but it's placing me in a very difficult position. I know she needs somebody here to help her out with my dad, etc ... and to help her keep her sanity. I was willing to extend my stay here to earn money over the summer before going home. IF I WAS HERE ON THE ISLAND. I have NO interest in Vancouver. Suburb, or not.
I can't stay here without a job. (Nobody is hiring until March!) I can't go home because I now lack funds. (EI dropped me off the cliff and I've stretched it as far as I could. Even if I could get home, everybody who declared me to be a hero for going would shred me for abandonning them now.)
I hate the idea of staying in Vancouver ... and I'm probably going to end up there anyway. (I'm fighting it though.) Yes, I know that the opportunities would be greater, but really, why make myself miserable just to get a paycheque?
And I couldn't stop crying. Had to at one point ... couldn't breathe, and the dog was frantic, because he didn't know what was going on, and Spot was there, blaming him for the whole thing. (Would have been funny, if I was able to laugh.)
That's what happened a couple days ago. Here's what's going on right now. Joyce was so upset about my reaction that she caved and stopped making plans. (Or at least she's stopped telling me about them.) She admits that she panicked. She's now trying to arrange for me to get a vehicle here. She has her eye on a white van ... which would be great for moving back home, or for getting things back here (keeping an open mind, right?) but it's a bit on the overkill side for the little bit of running around I'd have to do here on the island. I'd be happier with a car ...
Most of our hopes are centered on my getting employed by March. I will be employed by March. I refuse to think of any other outcome. And I'm really hoping that people back home will start going to my website and buying a few things. I could really use the support! (Don't feel that you have to explain why you can't - yes, I'm talking to you. I'm not complaining, so much as wishing!)
I feel more grounded as I walk around. And I certainly think that I'm attracting otherworldly attention. I had to go untangle the dog last night, and just as I finished I looked up and saw something at the far corner of the house pause and then start towards me at a quick pace. Ripley and I were in the house is record time. I don't know that I felt threatened, just startled. Never had anything RUN at me like that before. Well ... nothing like THAT. It peeked in the window briefly, then went away again.
And my walks in the trees has been very quiet. In fact, at one point, I went into my usual trail and everything looked completely different. The scenery, the feeling ... it was like I had previously been looking in at something and now somebody has closed a curtain or shut the door. I felt oddly bereft, but not quite left out. A few of the trees are still on speaking terms with me. (No, I'm not crazy.) At first, I thought it was because there had been a storm recently and there was a lot of extra deadfall, but that didn't seem like the right answer either. I don't quite feel snubbed, just no longer under watch. Good thing? Well, Imbolc is coming soon and I'll see if anything happens then.
My insomnia is getting worse. I'd better get this fixed soon ... I'm running out of books!
So, yeah ... all of this ... and I haven't even gotten into my Jade issues yet ... *sigh*
My thanks to those of you who have offered emotional support. New get your butts in gear and send me money! :)
(Just kidding)
(Unless you WANT to! I can't stop you, if you WANT to!)
Sweet Dreams!
January 7, 2010 - 20:00
You know, despite the rocky uncertain-ness of current situations, I had thought that things were getting better. I was getting better. I was wrong. The barrel bottomed out again. Bottomed out? Nah, I think broke and dumped me out!
My apologies for those of you who have read this part already ... although it has been tweaked a bit ...
Joyce had decided (without discussing with me) that she is tired of fighting for the right to get Albert back to the island. She says that she discussed this with him, but I'm sure that she told him and he just agreed. The man can't say no to her. She sent me an e-mail and said that the decision was already made and she was telling the landlady that they are going to be staying in Vancouver.
She intends to have me move in with her. She enjoyed my visit during Christmas and has decided that she wants to keep me here. My being still unemployed was just an excuse she needed to make it happen. It's all been decided for me.
Imagine her surprise when the first words out of my mouth, when I called her, were "I don't want to live in Vancouver." She tried to soothe me by telling me that there were beaches there too ... and Stanley Park.
WTF do I care about beaches and Stanley Park???
Then she tried, "There are greater job opportunities in Vancouver."
I have a job that will hire me at home!! They are just waiting for me to come back!!
This is terribly selfish of her ... but it's placing me in a very difficult position. I know she needs somebody here to help her out with my dad, etc ... and to help her keep her sanity. I was willing to extend my stay here to earn money over the summer before going home. IF I WAS HERE ON THE ISLAND. I have NO interest in Vancouver. Suburb, or not.
I can't stay here without a job. (Nobody is hiring until March!) I can't go home because I now lack funds. (EI dropped me off the cliff and I've stretched it as far as I could. Even if I could get home, everybody who declared me to be a hero for going would shred me for abandonning them now.)
I hate the idea of staying in Vancouver ... and I'm probably going to end up there anyway. (I'm fighting it though.) Yes, I know that the opportunities would be greater, but really, why make myself miserable just to get a paycheque?
And I couldn't stop crying. Had to at one point ... couldn't breathe, and the dog was frantic, because he didn't know what was going on, and Spot was there, blaming him for the whole thing. (Would have been funny, if I was able to laugh.)
That's what happened a couple days ago. Here's what's going on right now. Joyce was so upset about my reaction that she caved and stopped making plans. (Or at least she's stopped telling me about them.) She admits that she panicked. She's now trying to arrange for me to get a vehicle here. She has her eye on a white van ... which would be great for moving back home, or for getting things back here (keeping an open mind, right?) but it's a bit on the overkill side for the little bit of running around I'd have to do here on the island. I'd be happier with a car ...
Most of our hopes are centered on my getting employed by March. I will be employed by March. I refuse to think of any other outcome. And I'm really hoping that people back home will start going to my website and buying a few things. I could really use the support! (Don't feel that you have to explain why you can't - yes, I'm talking to you. I'm not complaining, so much as wishing!)
I feel more grounded as I walk around. And I certainly think that I'm attracting otherworldly attention. I had to go untangle the dog last night, and just as I finished I looked up and saw something at the far corner of the house pause and then start towards me at a quick pace. Ripley and I were in the house is record time. I don't know that I felt threatened, just startled. Never had anything RUN at me like that before. Well ... nothing like THAT. It peeked in the window briefly, then went away again.
And my walks in the trees has been very quiet. In fact, at one point, I went into my usual trail and everything looked completely different. The scenery, the feeling ... it was like I had previously been looking in at something and now somebody has closed a curtain or shut the door. I felt oddly bereft, but not quite left out. A few of the trees are still on speaking terms with me. (No, I'm not crazy.) At first, I thought it was because there had been a storm recently and there was a lot of extra deadfall, but that didn't seem like the right answer either. I don't quite feel snubbed, just no longer under watch. Good thing? Well, Imbolc is coming soon and I'll see if anything happens then.
My insomnia is getting worse. I'd better get this fixed soon ... I'm running out of books!
So, yeah ... all of this ... and I haven't even gotten into my Jade issues yet ... *sigh*
My thanks to those of you who have offered emotional support. New get your butts in gear and send me money! :)
(Just kidding)
(Unless you WANT to! I can't stop you, if you WANT to!)
Sweet Dreams!
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