Come Back Tomorrow

October 3, 2011 - 12:37

Mood: Tired, and struggling
Music: Somebody to Love - Queen
Thought of the Day: Hatred will steal the freedom from your heart ~ Jellal (Fairytail 59)

I had a horrible dream this morning. Sadly, I don't know if it's my subconscious playing with me or if somebody is trying to tell me something. Maybe both. Either way, it's making me consider a few hard decisions.

It's not improving my mood either. I've been rather stressed out lately. I've been feeling rather kicked down. First my laptop crashed. Cost me about $500 to replace. Then I discover that Spot is sick. Once again, the cost so far has been $500. I had to struggle to pay that. I am now broke. Completely. Mom has offered to pitch in, but I have refused. She manages to give me money anyway. I feel like crap because she's been footing the bill for groceries ... and she's had to live with my mood swings. They aren't pretty and she keeps taking them personally. I need my own place ...

Something is going on. Something I'm missing. Something is being hidden. I know this for sure. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to centre myself and find the problem. I feel like I'm being poked off balance from many directions. Despite this, I'm determined to move forward. I'd rather stumble my way to my goal than not make the attempt at all. I will do more than survive ... I will succeed.

My depression is not being helped by all the brown envelopes that have been returned to me in the mail almost everyday. Each one stabs me like a rejection from the person themselves, even though they have not seen the package. But I've taken this and learned something. I've made a decision and this decision will help me to succeed even more. Now is the time to be bold and confident. I will take this confidence and keep a promise to myself today. I will.

I've been really horrible at my communications ... I've barely replied to anybody. Even FB replies have been minimal. Sorry. I've retreated into my shell again, and I won't be coming out for a while. Nobody seems to have noticed, so I've been recuperating on my own. Of course, it's my own fear that nobody has noticed. It's possible that somebody has ... and is giving me space to do my own thing ... which is good ... and bad. It's okay though. At times like this, I have to decide to come out on my own. I have to fix things in my own mind, and be firm in my decisions, or it will come back three-fold to haunt me later.

I wonder if winning the lotto would make me happier ... perhaps in some ways. Won't find me somebody to love though. No, that's not true ... finding somebody to love has never been a problem. Finding somebody who actually loves me back the way I need it. That's another matter. He's out there somewhere. And he will love me as much as Spot does. I believe.

Meanwhile, I think that I will need to make a couple hard decisions. There is some weight that I've been carrying ... I need to decide what to do with it. And still be true to myself when I make the decision. That may  be the hard part ...

I'm tired of being strong. Strong for me. Strong for others. I want somebody to be strong with me and share the burden. Somebody who can take up the burden when I have times of weakness ... and will help me to realise that allowing a bit of weakness in makes me even stronger in the end.

I want the fairytale!

I don't think this is too much to ask. I'm worth it!

Sweet Dreams ...