Second Star To the Right ... Of What??

February 18, 2015 - 00:15

Mood: Tired, though I know I won't sleep.
Music: Just the hum of the lap top, and the ringing of my ears.
Thought of the Day: Love never dies ... but, like the heart it beats within, it can falter when overly taxed with damages. And, no matter how well it heals, the scar never completely fades. This is the price of immortality.

I cannot cry to ease my feelings while I live with you, for you will see or hear, and you will come to interfere. But, if I lived alone, I fear I would start to cry and never stop ...

Either way, I cry alone.

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     I finally saw Finding Neverland today. It was as wonderful as I knew it would be. I kept falling in love with Johnny's accent - over and over again. The story was surprisingly different, in parts, than I was expecting. Been a few story lines today that have surprised me. It's quite refreshing, really. As a writer, I tend to see plot lines a bit more obviously than others and I have long since come to terms with it ... and learned to not give things away - too much. I sometimes sit and think that I would have handled that scene differently. Or phrased something in another way to arrive at a stronger impact, but still offer subtle foreshadowing. It keeps me engaged in the storyline and makes it easier to enjoy. Been a long time since I was swept away by the ideas or worlds presented. It happens occasionally though. And I enjoy them all the more.

     I had a 'no people' day today. Well, I had a 'no people' afternoon, at least. Tavis was home late from work so I had a bit of extra time to myself. I didn't relax enough for a complete pity party though. Which was, well ... a pity. It's good to get it out and express it so that you stop obsessing over it in your head. Get it out and move on without it. You may have to do it more than once, as you find a corner of it that you missed before ... or the situation revisits. But do it.

     My situation has revisited once again, but I think I may have a bit of dim sunlight available. Starlight, perhaps. Not enough to warm myself with, or keep myself from stumbling about, but it is enough to know I'm not entirely covered in darkness. And if I use those stars, I may find my way to where I need to be. Hope. Stars, to me, represent hope. Hope that one day, they'll offer me direction. And I'll be able to follow it.

Sweet Dreams!

Never Give Up

February 16, 2015 - 17:48
Happy Family Day! 

Mood: Tired, but determined. Restlessly creative.
Music: Those Were the Days ~ Mary Hopkins
Thought of the Day: Proper speaking requires proper sleep. If you don't have one, you'll never be sure of the other.

Bring on the Rain - Jo Dee Messina
SONGWRITERS
DARLING, HELEN / MONTANA, BILLY

Another day has almost come and gone
Can't imagine what else could go wrong
Sometimes I'd like to hide away somewhere and lock the door
A single battle lost but not the war

'Cause, tomorrow's another day
And I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain

It's almost like the hard times circle 'round
A couple drops and they all start coming down
Yeah, I might feel defeated and I might hang my head
I might be barely breathing but I'm not dead, no

'Cause, tomorrow's another day
And I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain. Oooh

No, I'm not gonna let it get me down
I'm not gonna cry
And I'm not gonna lose any sleep tonight

'Cause, tomorrow's another day
And I am not afraid
So bring on the rain.

Tomorrow's another day
And I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain. 

Oooh

Bring on, bring on the rain

No, I'm not gonna let it get me down
I'm not gonna cry
So bring on the rain. Oooh

Bring on, bring on the rain
Bring on the rain
Bring on the rain. 

Oooh

21:47

     My brain is scattered, and I'm having trouble sitting down to one task tonight. Too much to do, even though I seem to have all the time in the world to do it in. Maybe it's because when I think I have lots of time I suddenly don't. I get interrupted by something that takes a huge chunk out of my day. Granted, if it's work, then I could certainly use the money - there's not enough of that either. I just don't like the sudden switch. Maybe I'm odd that way. Maybe I'm just tired of the feeling that I'm trapped by my circumstances. Can't afford to move out on my own. Can't leave my mother to live on her own either. And poor Tavis ... trying his best to cover the extras until I get back on my feet. Again. The timing is certainly off ... we have to move in a couple of months. Ugh.

     I'm trying to avoid stressing myself out again, but I'm tired. I went to a Tragically Hip concert on Thursday with a new friend, a movie with Tavis on Friday, dinner with another friend on Saturday, and lunch with my cousin on Sunday. No rest on Monday either ... woke up for a house viewing. That's a damn hopping schedule for an introvert like me. I'm a little frazzled.

     Anyway, crossing fingers for EI coverage, because I just spent my last bit of money on bills. Less than $600 doesn't go far when you owe over $20, 000. and a lot of it is charging you interest. *sigh* 

But, this is depressing. So I'll sign off for now. Maybe I'll come back down later for some more job hunting. Maybe I'll go to bed. Maybe I'll crochet, with a movie ... or read a book, for a bit. Bed might be the better choice, but I can't sleep more than four hours lately anyway ... 

     Actually, that works too ... sleep four, maybe five hours and then be up early to job hunt. It could be a good thing. 

Sweet Dreams!

Excuse me ...

February 8, 2015 - 12:26

Mood: Don't ask. Lots of negativity swirling around right now.
Music: None.
Thought of the day: Do unto others ... you know the drill.

     I am NOT your punching bag. I did not agree to enter into this relationship because I wanted to practise my skills at putting up with a self centred, arrogant, dick head. Those are skills that I'd rather let go to rust, thank you very much. Everything is at your convenience, and everything that is not is apparently my fault. You get insulted over the most innocent of remarks. And you are worse when you are toking. (Especially when you started to mix it with pipe tobacco. You may wish to stop that.) It's like I'm dating two of my exes rolled into one douche bag. Congratulations. I hadn't thought that was previously possible.

     Yes, the relationship is just about the sex. I agreed to that, although it's not my preference by any stretch of the imagination. BUT that's still a relationship that requires respect, and trust. You offer me neither. What you have offered me is nothing I want to deal with. Not even to help you through your own issues, will I exacerbate my own. You scathingly bitch that I won't put the effort out to scrape together $3 for bus fare to come and massage your sore back? Seriously? I'm counting pennies with unemployment, and I have to be ready for whatever work assignment comes up next. Do you honestly think I used to walk to work in the mornings because I wanted to exercise? You lazy, fucking sod! You have a pass, and you have my address. (I still don't have yours, and now I don't want it.)

     I am at my limit for your rude comments, sneers, and general derision. Fuck you. You have issues? You have anxieties? So do I. You claimed that I was quiet and very introverted ... and then you bitch because I'm very introverted. Fuck off. The promise of sex is not worth the pain of your attitude. If I got off on that I'd still be dating Jade. I'm not going to walk on eggshells to maintain your sense of right in your world. That's a stress I don't deserve. That's something that nobody deserves. It's a stress that breaks people ... and nobody is worth breaking themselves over. Certainly, nobody is so worthless that they need to do it more than once. That's a trap that I will never re-enter.

    Geezus, Poe! You are killing yourself with that robe of negativity that you wrap yourself so tightly in. Acknowledge the positive in your life. There is some! Although, some of it just walked out ...

Sweet Dreams

Reaching Out While Looking In

February 3, 2015 - 00:13

Mood: Tired, stressed ... should be in bed!
Music: My Immortal ~ Evanescence
Thought of the Day: Fate is something you achieve no matter what road you choose, or how you get there.

     Today's Thought of the Day was found on an old Profile of mine. I stared at it and thought 'Wow! Did that come out of my head?' LOL! It's not perfect, but I really like the thought behind it. I keep wanting to adjust it. Correct it. Improve it. I stop myself each time. It caught my attention just as it is ... let it inspire somebody else and let them adjust it to themselves. A little voice in my head is argumentative at that idea ... I'm not the person that I was when I wrote it. I was lonelier, and much more open/honest in my writing. I do agree with my voice ... but now is not the time to be mucking with thoughts from the past. I want to talk about Now.

     I've been thinking of Poe today. Let me backtrack a bit ... I recently started a new job. Poe was one of my co-workers and we had been starting to text conversations to each other. I was also recently "let go" from said job. They claimed that I had violated the respectful workplace policy, but could not explain to me HOW I breached it. I, personally, felt that I had not. I still feel that I had not. So, I am left without answers, and without a job. Again. That was last Friday. Today, Poe let me know that he is also being investigated but he was not informed of why. Poe is in a very delicate frame of mind. (He would protest that phrasing, of course.) His situation before getting this job was very similar to my own, but I have found a strength to push forward. I also have Tavis. Hopefully, he will know that he has me as well. Hopefully, tomorrow will give him the information he needs to focus on a plan. Right now ... I'm very concerned for him. Sending him positive thoughts. Hope he lets them in.

     I've been a bit remiss in my writing, and I'm not talking about how often I write. that needs work too, but I'm improving, I think. No, I'm mean my style. I haven't been writing from my soul, like I used to, and I've been noticing it in the reflections of the illustrations that I've been trying to express. They pale in comparison to my earlier works. I feel that I have been limiting myself based on my "audience" ... which, I also feel is why I have been failing to write as much as I could be. There have been a few people who have had access to my journal here that I had let in because I could trust them. They abused and betrayed this trust, and I found myself unwilling to talk about certain things that I really needed to get down. And when I did, I couldn't release as much as I needed to. So, here we are. Going back to the basics. I'm writing for me. Not for my audience. Not in order to "report" events. For me. From the soul.

     Regretfully, the best time I feel for writing is in the wee hours of the morning. This makes for a very difficult schedule. :) Still, I am trying.

     I should get to bed now. I might have a job in the morning. The joys of temp work. I just needed to get Poe's problems ... not off my heart, but shared. It feels better to share. I hope he trusts me enough to share his pain with me. It's easier to be stronger for others than it is to stand alone.

Sweet Dreams ...