Thursday, August 18, 2016 - 23:02
Mood: Calm, and content
Music: "Broken Wings" ~ Mr. Mister
Thought of the Day: Your heartbeat is the music of your soul. Listen and learn to dance again.
Since the evening of Aug 8, I have felt a new inner calm. That Monday, I had a chat with Tavis. Made a few WTF comments, let him know how hurt I was with the back-stabbing, and how utterly sick it made me that I frequently heard him tell his girlfriend, 'I'm sorry, I fucked up again.' He says it more often than he thinks he does. Mostly I'm just frustrated with the unnecessary drama that's mostly in his girlfriend's imagination. I'm pretty sure that he'll forget half of what I said, since he has the memory of a goldfish, but he seemed sincere for most of it. What really floored me was when he lied to my face with a few answers, but I was tired of the whole drama thing. So, I gave him the last part of his birthday present. The first week was a relief. The second week was a little harder to keep my promise - but I'm one of the few people I know that keeps their promises. Stubborn too. :) So, I've been toe-ing the line, although he's acting like nothing happened. On one hand, it ticks me off, but on the other hand, it slightly amuses me. Whatever. Just whatever.
Music: "Sounds of Silence" - Simon & Garfunkle
My new inner calm has been helping me feel grounded and centered. I have been stepping forward and visiting friends and family. I created a Journey Jar, and took my first road trip yesterday! What's a Journey Jar? Well, I needed an outlet for my stress and anxieties. I was thinking of the pictures that I used to take as I walked around Pender Island. I realised that Alberta had a lot of weird landmarks that I had never heard of, and a couple that I had heard of, but had never seen. So I decided that I would make a list of the ones that I could drive to, visit, and return home in one day. At the cost of a tank of gas, and a meal or two, it would be a rewarding trip. I could take a friend, or go alone as I needed. I would be a part-time Day Tripper. LOL! Only one trip in and I'm pleased with the results so far. Wish I could show you my decorated Jar. Can't wait for the next trip! I plan to take a trip once a month, whether I need it or not, to help me stay balanced.
I've also created a Crafter's Group on FB. It's another excuse to get some friends together and gab while we relax with projects. We'll use the club page for ideas and encouragement!
I've applied for work now that my medical leave has officially ended. I think I have a handle on things for now. I'm also working on trying to get back into school, if it's not too late. If it is, I'll be saving like crazy until next year. Maybe I'll be allowed to take a few computer courses towards my goal. I'm staying positive about this. The course I want should open a lot more doors for me than I might normally see with a lesser education. I'm also considering starting my own business, so my course will go towards that as well. I need to talk with Shepherd and see if I can pick up some business tips. ;) I'm really excited about being my own boss. I just have to narrow-down what would be a successful product in my small town. I've written down scads of ideas and scenarios. Still a work in progress. I'm also eye-balling Jamberry, but I'm hesitant to do another DSA. I've heard good things about it from down-to-earth, practical people, so we'll see.
I think I have a good foundation set with these steps made. I can do this Life thing. Nut first, I need some sleep!
Sweet Dreams!
Friday, August 19, 2016
Tuesday, August 09, 2016
Maboroshi
August 9, 2016 - 13:03
Mood: A little scattered, but determined
Music: Sounds of Silence ~ Simon and Garfunkle
Thought of the Day: Take nothing for granted that brings you joy lest it prove to have been an illusion after all.
My mind is having trouble focusing on the task at hand, which is Math. My goal is to complete the unit and get the tests done today. I just have to watch my hours. I'm only allowed to work on it for 9 hours a week while I'm on medical leave. I'm also waiting for a friend to show up. Time unknown. Just "early afternoon". Which is fine. If it was nicer out, I'd probably be in the yard. But it's not as nice as I'd like and keep threatening to rain. The sky actually spit on me as I brought the garbage cans in! Talk about rude. ;)
The main reason behind my distracted thoughts lies in a revelation that shattered my world yesterday. I found myself to be the victim of an utter betrayal that I would have previously whole-heartedly denied with pure absolute faith, if not for the proof laid before my eyes. Solid, can't-deny-what's-been-placed-before-me proof. My heart just broke - old wounds and new bleeding enough to drown me. And, once again, I actually considered making everything better by killing myself.
Luckily, I tend to freeze in place when I'm surprised like that. "Deer in the headlights" reaction. I was able to take the time to breathe and think things out. I didn't waste too much time on the "why", I just started to put things into order and take some necessary action. An incredibly unusual action for me. I thought that I had left high school life far behind me, but it keeps finding me over and over again, no matter how often I try to deny it access. Today, I will not deny it. I'm going to put my former learning into practise.
Hello, Columbina. I have missed you so.
Too vague for you? No worries. It's necessary right now. It's just the way Columbina is. Don't worry, I have not gone crazy, nor have I developed multiple personalities. She's more of an alter-ego. I have a few of them. The privilege of being a writer. And right now they are all fairly angry on my behalf. So is my Grandmother. She's been keeping a close eye on me. (At least I think it's Grandma.)
Well, back to Math and waiting for Greywhistle. Best wishes to you all. Best wishes and ...
Sweet Dreams
Mood: A little scattered, but determined
Music: Sounds of Silence ~ Simon and Garfunkle
Thought of the Day: Take nothing for granted that brings you joy lest it prove to have been an illusion after all.
My mind is having trouble focusing on the task at hand, which is Math. My goal is to complete the unit and get the tests done today. I just have to watch my hours. I'm only allowed to work on it for 9 hours a week while I'm on medical leave. I'm also waiting for a friend to show up. Time unknown. Just "early afternoon". Which is fine. If it was nicer out, I'd probably be in the yard. But it's not as nice as I'd like and keep threatening to rain. The sky actually spit on me as I brought the garbage cans in! Talk about rude. ;)
The main reason behind my distracted thoughts lies in a revelation that shattered my world yesterday. I found myself to be the victim of an utter betrayal that I would have previously whole-heartedly denied with pure absolute faith, if not for the proof laid before my eyes. Solid, can't-deny-what's-been-placed-before-me proof. My heart just broke - old wounds and new bleeding enough to drown me. And, once again, I actually considered making everything better by killing myself.
Luckily, I tend to freeze in place when I'm surprised like that. "Deer in the headlights" reaction. I was able to take the time to breathe and think things out. I didn't waste too much time on the "why", I just started to put things into order and take some necessary action. An incredibly unusual action for me. I thought that I had left high school life far behind me, but it keeps finding me over and over again, no matter how often I try to deny it access. Today, I will not deny it. I'm going to put my former learning into practise.
Hello, Columbina. I have missed you so.
Too vague for you? No worries. It's necessary right now. It's just the way Columbina is. Don't worry, I have not gone crazy, nor have I developed multiple personalities. She's more of an alter-ego. I have a few of them. The privilege of being a writer. And right now they are all fairly angry on my behalf. So is my Grandmother. She's been keeping a close eye on me. (At least I think it's Grandma.)
Well, back to Math and waiting for Greywhistle. Best wishes to you all. Best wishes and ...
Sweet Dreams
Monday, August 01, 2016
Finding Heart's Home
July 31, 2016 - 23:19
Mood: Serene (Believe it, or not)
Music: The Highwayman ~ Loreena McKennit
Thought of the Day: Every time you follow your Dreams, wonderful Realities will follow you! - old Ziggy cartoon
I like being on my own. There's a sweetness to the silence that can't be found anywhere else. A satisfaction like no other. But I don't like being "alone". There are times when I ache for arms willing to hold me as long as I need, or lips to tell me, by word or deed, how beautiful I am today, at this very moment - whether I am fresh out of the shower, or sweaty from yard work. I miss being told something sincerely. I miss being wanted. THAT makes me feel lonely more than being on my own ever will. Where are you, my lover? Will I ever know you again in this life? I don't want a life that doesn't have you in it. So I will keep looking. You are out there somewhere. I know you are. Are you looking for me? Please don't give up. I need you and I miss you.
Things with Tavis are better, but nowhere near what they had been. Sometimes I wonder if I should feel a bit used. But, no. that would only lead to bitterness and other negativity. Should I be grateful for what he tosses to me, like scraps from the table? No. Not that either. That's demeaning and bloody pitiful. I hope to simply be accepting of the new situation and move forward with life. We're all dealing with the newness of it all still. and it has led to some good things. For him. My good things can't be far behind, right? Right? It's hard not to feel like a spare, sometimes. He's making an effort and I appreciate it. Asking for more would be selfish. And it would only confirm certain impressions that are cropping up about me in the background. Allegations that, I'm pretty sure, he's not defending me from. *sigh* Such is my life. So repetitive. Trying to change that though. Moving forward is good. Forward. It's not a race track. I can turn any direction that I wish and take my time getting to my destination. In a Mona Torretto T-shirt. Heh.
I've finally given in and started taking the sleeping pills prescribed by my doctor. While speaking with the pharmacist, I discovered the sneaky bastard prescribed me sleeping pills that doubled as anti-depressants. The first night was scary. My body was dead weight, but I kept jerking awake in a panic. I felt a strong urge to move my arms and legs around frantically, but my body was heavy, and my eyes wanted to sleep. It was a long time before I actually went to sleep. Waking up was weird. I had trouble moving my body properly. Next night was easier. So was the next day. Crossing fingers for tonight and tomorrow. I'm on the road to recovery at last! Life is much easier when I'm not anxious. Funny how you don;t realise how bad you are until it starts to get better. Like when I first left Jade. It was months before I laughed out loud and I hadn't noticed until I actually did it. That was seven years ago. It's taken me this long to get where I am now. So sad. I was talking to one of his exes, and made a joke about suing him for damages, etc. She actually considered it. LOL! He's not worth the trouble. Really, he's not worth much of anything.
A house is not a home until the pictures are hung up, don't you think? Loving my bedroom the best right now. (Which is good, considering I'm learning to sleep again!) The office is almost done. Only a few pictures left to go.
Time for cookies. :)
Sweet Dreams!
Mood: Serene (Believe it, or not)
Music: The Highwayman ~ Loreena McKennit
Thought of the Day: Every time you follow your Dreams, wonderful Realities will follow you! - old Ziggy cartoon
I like being on my own. There's a sweetness to the silence that can't be found anywhere else. A satisfaction like no other. But I don't like being "alone". There are times when I ache for arms willing to hold me as long as I need, or lips to tell me, by word or deed, how beautiful I am today, at this very moment - whether I am fresh out of the shower, or sweaty from yard work. I miss being told something sincerely. I miss being wanted. THAT makes me feel lonely more than being on my own ever will. Where are you, my lover? Will I ever know you again in this life? I don't want a life that doesn't have you in it. So I will keep looking. You are out there somewhere. I know you are. Are you looking for me? Please don't give up. I need you and I miss you.
Things with Tavis are better, but nowhere near what they had been. Sometimes I wonder if I should feel a bit used. But, no. that would only lead to bitterness and other negativity. Should I be grateful for what he tosses to me, like scraps from the table? No. Not that either. That's demeaning and bloody pitiful. I hope to simply be accepting of the new situation and move forward with life. We're all dealing with the newness of it all still. and it has led to some good things. For him. My good things can't be far behind, right? Right? It's hard not to feel like a spare, sometimes. He's making an effort and I appreciate it. Asking for more would be selfish. And it would only confirm certain impressions that are cropping up about me in the background. Allegations that, I'm pretty sure, he's not defending me from. *sigh* Such is my life. So repetitive. Trying to change that though. Moving forward is good. Forward. It's not a race track. I can turn any direction that I wish and take my time getting to my destination. In a Mona Torretto T-shirt. Heh.
I've finally given in and started taking the sleeping pills prescribed by my doctor. While speaking with the pharmacist, I discovered the sneaky bastard prescribed me sleeping pills that doubled as anti-depressants. The first night was scary. My body was dead weight, but I kept jerking awake in a panic. I felt a strong urge to move my arms and legs around frantically, but my body was heavy, and my eyes wanted to sleep. It was a long time before I actually went to sleep. Waking up was weird. I had trouble moving my body properly. Next night was easier. So was the next day. Crossing fingers for tonight and tomorrow. I'm on the road to recovery at last! Life is much easier when I'm not anxious. Funny how you don;t realise how bad you are until it starts to get better. Like when I first left Jade. It was months before I laughed out loud and I hadn't noticed until I actually did it. That was seven years ago. It's taken me this long to get where I am now. So sad. I was talking to one of his exes, and made a joke about suing him for damages, etc. She actually considered it. LOL! He's not worth the trouble. Really, he's not worth much of anything.
A house is not a home until the pictures are hung up, don't you think? Loving my bedroom the best right now. (Which is good, considering I'm learning to sleep again!) The office is almost done. Only a few pictures left to go.
Time for cookies. :)
Sweet Dreams!
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