Jade surpirsed me and came home early today. He was supposed to go out with the guys tonight and play pool, but he decided to stay home with me instead.
Oops. I swung. Wonder if it has something to do with Dona coming upstairs and spraying Oust all over the place. It drives me nuts when she sprays things. She always has an overpowering scent - usually flowery - and she ALWAYS over-sprays. Ugh!
I'm also a bit grumpy because Jade is organising some of his stuff in the spare room. Not that I mind him doing it so much as I'm disappointed that the job's been taken from me when I've been looking forward to it all week. After all the nagging to get him to help me move the shelves so I could get it done ... *sigh* Perhaps I'm being selfish, but I feel disappointed and cheated somehow.
Speaking of cleaning house, I've been giving my relationship with Lynne some deep thought. This was not done in anger or anything. It's not a bad thing. But things have been a bit difficult and possibly strained between us lately ... and I felt the need to evaluate our present circumstances to find some relief.
When we first met, there was only a slight pause before we hit it off rather well. She was the oddness in my life that I needed to allow myself the freedom of expanding my limits and(some of) my experiences. Even through the changes, I have feel that I have remained a constant. I never change much - Lynne once told me that I gave off a soft, warm light that just grew brighter as you get to know me and it attracts all the right people. I think I still do. She's got a similar aura about her, but it's more like a beacon that calls out to people - "I am here! Adore me!" And people do.
I've been with her whenever she needed me - rough patches, bad boyfriends, horrific break ups, and the other crap that happens in life. I was there when nobody else was. It didn't matter that it interupted my life and that it usually involved about an hour on a bus to get to her. I dropped everything. I did my best to hold her in my light - to wrap her in a protective cocoon of it until she was ready to come out and shine on her own again. She needed me.
There's the crux. She just doesn't need me anymore. I've known it for a while. A very long while. Sometimes I think that she's just having trouble letting me go - that she needs to keep me tied to her as a security device - just in case. It's not like I'll disappear forever. I'll still be there if she really needs me, just like I'll be there if she decides that she just wants to go out for coffee and I'm available.
I don't change, but I've watched her grow with leaps and bounds. One day she just grabbed life by the horns and she's been riding it for all it's worth ever since. She's found her happy place and she seems like she's doing very well in it. It's not a precarious position by any means. The problem is that I no longer really fit in that new life of hers. Our paths no longer seem to meet so much. They don't even appear to run parrallel with each other. And I feel that she gets frustrated that I won't join her in her space - even for short periods of time. I can't. I won't. In order to fit into her space, I'd have to change - and I'm quite happy and comfortable where I am. It took some time, but I've learned to stand my ground and just say 'no'. It still hurts to say it, but I am strong with who I am now. I don't need anybody's approval to be it except for my own.
I'm not sure where I'm going with all this. It's kind of a thinking process as I write. I guess the bottom line is that she doesn't need me anymore, not like she used to. We both have different paths to walk and we will walk them in different ways. I still love her and I hope she still loves me, but it's time to let go. I don't read her entries anymore. There's just nothing there for me anymore. I took her off my MSN because she never starts a conversation with me and very rarely answers when I do - but then I changed my mind and put her back on ... now she's on there twice and there's no way of fixing it.
That's karma for you, I guess. Hubris, even.
I tried to write her and tell her how I felt, but I'm pretty sure she never read it. I've sent her e-cards for special occasions. I've sent her four since September. None of them have been picked up. No. She doesn't need me anymore. I don't feel the importance behind the connection. I don't even feel the connection, really.
It's time to leave while things are still good between us. I can be the old friend that she thinks about when she has a moment, or sees something that reminds her of me. And I hope that the thoughts are good ones.
Good bye, Lynne. Remember that I love you.
...
Well, now I've got empty nest syndrome ...
;)
Hey, if I can't mock myself, I'd just be mocking somebody else.
Sweet Dreams!
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