Wednesday, November 04, 2015
Fall Weeding
November 4, 2015 - 21:12
Mood: Admittedly Somber. (No, that's not a typo.)
Music: Ain't Not Sunshine ~ Ed Sheeran
Thought of the Day: Letting others make you happy is a good thing, but you shouldn't depend on them to keep you there. Being happy in your life is YOUR job. Being happy is YOUR reward.
So a couple weeks ago, a guy I know texts me out of the blue and says he's going to be in town soon and he wants to take me out to dinner and a movie. I was hesitant, at first, because it was a Wednesday he was talking about, and I was between job assignments. (Being partially employed doesn't offer much paid vacation time.) I allowed myself to be talked into it though ... and even let myself look forward to letting him sweep me off my feet. That's what he told me ... he was going to sweep me off my feet like the beautiful woman I am. Well, he did. He swept my feet out from under me ... and dropped me on my ass.
It's not unusual for this guy to "maintain radio silence", so I was not alarmed to not hear from him again after the brief text conversation and then phone call. I texted him last night to ask him where he wanted to meet up. (I work close to the movie theatre, so it made more sense to meet there instead of driving all the way to my place just to come right back to where I already was.) No answer. Thanks to iPhone, I know that he saw the message not too long after I sent it though. Okay, no problem. He was busy. I get it. By noon the next day, I had still heard nothing. So I messaged him again ... his reply at last? "I'm sorry for not getting back to you ... I've been quite busy and have forgotten some things." Oh. Okay. No worries. I went from being told that I'm constantly thought about to being told that I was easily forgotten. No problem. I can forget things too. I'm going to forget ever giving you another chance to have a date with me. You will remain the acquaintance that you seem to be be more comfortable with and I'm going to move in other directions.
Speaking of new moves, I finally have a new job. A real one. With full time hours, and a salary. After being partially employed for a full year - almost exactly - I have a job. With an office!! My own office! Whoo! It's a bit overwhelming at times as I'm holding down three positions at once ... but I'm get there slowly. It's been a week and a half and I'm starting to get comfortable. I know because I'm starting to mutter ... LOL! I'm planning of going shopping for a couple new tops ... my office has a big window ... and it's a tad chilly for my currently Spring fashions. Which are two years old to boot.
So that's my life at the moment. Give and take ... not a bad balance, I guess. I've my own path to follow and it doesn't include walking in others' weed patches. That just spreads more weeds into your own space. You don't need that crap. I certainly don't need that crap. Moving on under my own steam and at my own pace. Feel the peace.
Sweet Dreams!
Wednesday, September 02, 2015
Choosing to Believe
September 2, 2015 - 21:19
Mood: Tired, calm and a little restlessly trapped
Music: Samhain Night ~ Loreena McKennit
Thought of the Day: Better to be a "smart ass" than a "dumb ass".
LOL! It figures ... the words were flowing in my head earlier but I stopped at Facebook to catch up on things and I got sapped. I'm just tired now. Can't recall what I wanted to write about. Pity. It was so lovely. I've been getting some alone time lately, so thing have been calmer, but I'm becoming so sensitive to noise that I used to be able to block out with ease. *sigh* Am I getting old, or just noticing the damage more as I try to heal? Hard to say. Maybe a bit of both.
Nobody has noticed that I dropped them from Facebook, or, at least, nobody has said anything to me. Not that they should take it personally, but most people do. It's not like I blocked them ... so they can still see my comments. They just won't see my posts in the news feeds any more. I have no doubt that some have "unfollowed" me anyway. :) I like to post a lot of positive stuff. Can't have too much of that on our "walls" ... right? Wall polluting, tree-hugging freak. That's me.
Had the joy of noticing that somebody read one of my resume submissions the other day. For the first time in ... a long, dry spell. It was a cheering moment, but I quickly contained it. I don't want to get my hopes up. Still, it's a nice sign. At least I am being considered. Nice company too.
Still liking the business Idea that I had. Still working on the research. Have a location in mind ...
Went into the hair salon that used to be my grandparents' home. What a nice feeling it had in there. She even gave me permission to walk through the place and look around. I think I'll try to go back. Even in a ponytail, my uneven ends are pretty noticeable. Which is pretty bad.
Haven't heard a single peep from Greenman in a couple months now. No postings of his art on-line lately either. I'm guessing that he's really busy with his storyboard art concepts, etc. He's a very busy man ... but, I do miss our conversations. Handsome, witty, and talented. Also, he thinks that I'm beautiful and not afraid of who knows it. I find him intoxicating, as personalities go. I'd like to kiss him at least once. Just to say that I did. Long distance relationships are difficult. Even if they are friendships. But they are worth it. He's worth it.
I pledged, on Facebook, that I would try to write a page per day for the month of Sept. I wonder if this counts. I'm supposed to jealously guard my writing time, but it seems that my schedule flips and flops about more than anything. I really should nail down a timetable for myself ... I fly by the seat of my pants too often to get anything done efficiently. I do things as the mood strikes me ... which leads me to do things as others want rather than I want. Some days it was horrible ...trying to find a quiet spot ... and Mom kept following me. Which made it not quiet. Some people just need that constant noise going on. I don't. Light music is the most that I need and, sometimes, even that can be abominablely distracting. One can't sing as they write. Or I can't. I managed it once. But I was deeply in the zone, and I lived alone ... and my cat had a canny sense of when not to interrupt. Lord and Lady, I miss him. We were such a perfect match.
Between assignments, and I should be able to relax ... but how can I relax when I don;t know when my next paycheque is arriving? I need a job. Something that covers my needs and allows for a bit of savings as well. Why is that so hard now-a-days? Politics are all about the "middle class", but to me the middle class is above the poverty line in earnings ... and I rarely find myself there. In fact, I think I was above it only once in my life. So ... below the poverty line, partially employed, no children, single, and in my forties. I have yet to hear anything from the politicians about how I should vote for them in order to help myself. Ah, well ... at least I can sleep in in the mornings. That's something, right?
Had a dream last night ... I gave birth to a baby girl. And while the dream went through the motions, every time she saw me, she expressed such a wonderful joy. A joy that eclipsed all else in the dream. I woke up and wondered what it meant ... had my baby girl (from my third pregnancy) finally been reborn and wanted to let me know that she was happy? Or was it a sign that I would get my one final chance to be the mother I've always dreamed of being and that everything will be all right? It was such an odd dream ... everybody else in the dream seemed to be so careful not to meet my eyes. I felt like a ghost ... but I know that I wasn't. I don't often have strong dreams like that. Maybe tonight, if I am lucky, I will get more of the story ... I doubt it though. Dreams like that are sporadic and tend not to change much. Kind of like visions. Actions of others can change it.
And so can mine. I choose to believe.
Sweet Dreams!
Mood: Tired, calm and a little restlessly trapped
Music: Samhain Night ~ Loreena McKennit
Thought of the Day: Better to be a "smart ass" than a "dumb ass".
LOL! It figures ... the words were flowing in my head earlier but I stopped at Facebook to catch up on things and I got sapped. I'm just tired now. Can't recall what I wanted to write about. Pity. It was so lovely. I've been getting some alone time lately, so thing have been calmer, but I'm becoming so sensitive to noise that I used to be able to block out with ease. *sigh* Am I getting old, or just noticing the damage more as I try to heal? Hard to say. Maybe a bit of both.
Nobody has noticed that I dropped them from Facebook, or, at least, nobody has said anything to me. Not that they should take it personally, but most people do. It's not like I blocked them ... so they can still see my comments. They just won't see my posts in the news feeds any more. I have no doubt that some have "unfollowed" me anyway. :) I like to post a lot of positive stuff. Can't have too much of that on our "walls" ... right? Wall polluting, tree-hugging freak. That's me.
Had the joy of noticing that somebody read one of my resume submissions the other day. For the first time in ... a long, dry spell. It was a cheering moment, but I quickly contained it. I don't want to get my hopes up. Still, it's a nice sign. At least I am being considered. Nice company too.
Still liking the business Idea that I had. Still working on the research. Have a location in mind ...
Went into the hair salon that used to be my grandparents' home. What a nice feeling it had in there. She even gave me permission to walk through the place and look around. I think I'll try to go back. Even in a ponytail, my uneven ends are pretty noticeable. Which is pretty bad.
Haven't heard a single peep from Greenman in a couple months now. No postings of his art on-line lately either. I'm guessing that he's really busy with his storyboard art concepts, etc. He's a very busy man ... but, I do miss our conversations. Handsome, witty, and talented. Also, he thinks that I'm beautiful and not afraid of who knows it. I find him intoxicating, as personalities go. I'd like to kiss him at least once. Just to say that I did. Long distance relationships are difficult. Even if they are friendships. But they are worth it. He's worth it.
I pledged, on Facebook, that I would try to write a page per day for the month of Sept. I wonder if this counts. I'm supposed to jealously guard my writing time, but it seems that my schedule flips and flops about more than anything. I really should nail down a timetable for myself ... I fly by the seat of my pants too often to get anything done efficiently. I do things as the mood strikes me ... which leads me to do things as others want rather than I want. Some days it was horrible ...trying to find a quiet spot ... and Mom kept following me. Which made it not quiet. Some people just need that constant noise going on. I don't. Light music is the most that I need and, sometimes, even that can be abominablely distracting. One can't sing as they write. Or I can't. I managed it once. But I was deeply in the zone, and I lived alone ... and my cat had a canny sense of when not to interrupt. Lord and Lady, I miss him. We were such a perfect match.
Between assignments, and I should be able to relax ... but how can I relax when I don;t know when my next paycheque is arriving? I need a job. Something that covers my needs and allows for a bit of savings as well. Why is that so hard now-a-days? Politics are all about the "middle class", but to me the middle class is above the poverty line in earnings ... and I rarely find myself there. In fact, I think I was above it only once in my life. So ... below the poverty line, partially employed, no children, single, and in my forties. I have yet to hear anything from the politicians about how I should vote for them in order to help myself. Ah, well ... at least I can sleep in in the mornings. That's something, right?
Had a dream last night ... I gave birth to a baby girl. And while the dream went through the motions, every time she saw me, she expressed such a wonderful joy. A joy that eclipsed all else in the dream. I woke up and wondered what it meant ... had my baby girl (from my third pregnancy) finally been reborn and wanted to let me know that she was happy? Or was it a sign that I would get my one final chance to be the mother I've always dreamed of being and that everything will be all right? It was such an odd dream ... everybody else in the dream seemed to be so careful not to meet my eyes. I felt like a ghost ... but I know that I wasn't. I don't often have strong dreams like that. Maybe tonight, if I am lucky, I will get more of the story ... I doubt it though. Dreams like that are sporadic and tend not to change much. Kind of like visions. Actions of others can change it.
And so can mine. I choose to believe.
Sweet Dreams!
Wednesday, August 26, 2015
Full Circle or The First Step to Infinity? (and Beyond!)
August 26, 2015 - 21:43
Mood: Strangely relaxed. Almost accomplished, really. Lighter.
Music: Rumour Has It ~ Adele
Thought of the Day: Worry is a misuse of the imagination.
I've been feeling good all week. Mostly. Mom still needles biting irritation, but I've been giddy during the day. It's ... strange for me. I'm not getting a lot of sleep, but maybe it's better? Who knows? Why try to break it down or qualify it? Just enjoy it. I'm feeling much better with the exercise I'm getting at work. Seriously. I can get two flights in before I start to feel a slight strain. And I'm feeling the muscle, not the tendons at my knees. BIG improvement.
I've almost got my office set up the way I like it. Can you believe it? It's only been a few months. Normally, I take my time to make it feel right, but the energy of the room has been calling and things have been falling into place with extremely little need for adjustment. Just need to take brief advantage of the back to school sales and get a couple organisers that Mom noticed in Staples. They hummed for me and I knew that I had to have them. then I'll be well on my way. My bedroom is next. the pull is harder there. Heh. Maybe if the energy flows properly in the bedroom, I'll have better luck finding somebody to share it with, eh? It could happen. It's been a lonely seven years, but necessary, I guess.
I've been contemplating starting my own business, but I'm going to research it carefully first. Brainstorming ideas, seeing what my community actually needs. So far, my best idea is a lunch cafe that supports home-based businesses with display opportunity, and a place to read/chat/relax with a coffee. I ran it past Mom, expecting her to have doubts or to directly "pooh pooh" it, but she said that it sounded inviting. Still, going to brainstorm a bit. Ask the neighbours careful questions. I'm also going to check out the town's Chamber of Commerce to see what's actually here. Lady knows we won't need a hair salon. LOL! A craft store might be nice, but it might get away from me in regards to supplies. I don't want a Michael's, or a chain store (Panago is tempting though). I want something that offers a personal touch. Idea stage though ... we'll see ...
So, back to weight loss. I'm feeling lighter in mind as well as body. I decreased the size of my Facebook list considerably. It wasn't in anger or retribution. I was looking at my "About" section and abruptly reminded that I was falling back in some old, dangerous ways. I was clinging to what could be based on what I had thought I had. No. that was wrong, negative, and keeping me from moving forward. It was fogging my purpose. My ambition. I won't wait for my friends to understand me, or the brilliance of me. :) I'm not going to wait to be adored by people that don't have time for me. I went though my friend list and let some people go. there were a few I hesitated over and I let them stay, but I plan on going through the list again in a while. One must put away things that are no longer of use ... and, while that sounds pompous, it goes both ways. If they no longer have a need for me, then I can choose to walk away on my own instead waiting in the corner. Collecting dust like an old doll. If they find that they need me again, they should be able to find me.
In the past, I would have felt guilty for such a "culling", but I don't. I feel like I've lifted a weight off my shoulders. It's been utterly ... well, it's been a relief. Amazingly. So it was a good decision. Or at least, it was one that I was ready for. Simply ... Awesome.
What do I tackle next? I think I'll see if I can hunt down all my inspiration bits and finish a story or two. Its about time i joined the masses in trying to get published, don't you think?
Sweet Dreams!
Mood: Strangely relaxed. Almost accomplished, really. Lighter.
Music: Rumour Has It ~ Adele
Thought of the Day: Worry is a misuse of the imagination.
I've been feeling good all week. Mostly. Mom still needles biting irritation, but I've been giddy during the day. It's ... strange for me. I'm not getting a lot of sleep, but maybe it's better? Who knows? Why try to break it down or qualify it? Just enjoy it. I'm feeling much better with the exercise I'm getting at work. Seriously. I can get two flights in before I start to feel a slight strain. And I'm feeling the muscle, not the tendons at my knees. BIG improvement.
I've almost got my office set up the way I like it. Can you believe it? It's only been a few months. Normally, I take my time to make it feel right, but the energy of the room has been calling and things have been falling into place with extremely little need for adjustment. Just need to take brief advantage of the back to school sales and get a couple organisers that Mom noticed in Staples. They hummed for me and I knew that I had to have them. then I'll be well on my way. My bedroom is next. the pull is harder there. Heh. Maybe if the energy flows properly in the bedroom, I'll have better luck finding somebody to share it with, eh? It could happen. It's been a lonely seven years, but necessary, I guess.
I've been contemplating starting my own business, but I'm going to research it carefully first. Brainstorming ideas, seeing what my community actually needs. So far, my best idea is a lunch cafe that supports home-based businesses with display opportunity, and a place to read/chat/relax with a coffee. I ran it past Mom, expecting her to have doubts or to directly "pooh pooh" it, but she said that it sounded inviting. Still, going to brainstorm a bit. Ask the neighbours careful questions. I'm also going to check out the town's Chamber of Commerce to see what's actually here. Lady knows we won't need a hair salon. LOL! A craft store might be nice, but it might get away from me in regards to supplies. I don't want a Michael's, or a chain store (Panago is tempting though). I want something that offers a personal touch. Idea stage though ... we'll see ...
So, back to weight loss. I'm feeling lighter in mind as well as body. I decreased the size of my Facebook list considerably. It wasn't in anger or retribution. I was looking at my "About" section and abruptly reminded that I was falling back in some old, dangerous ways. I was clinging to what could be based on what I had thought I had. No. that was wrong, negative, and keeping me from moving forward. It was fogging my purpose. My ambition. I won't wait for my friends to understand me, or the brilliance of me. :) I'm not going to wait to be adored by people that don't have time for me. I went though my friend list and let some people go. there were a few I hesitated over and I let them stay, but I plan on going through the list again in a while. One must put away things that are no longer of use ... and, while that sounds pompous, it goes both ways. If they no longer have a need for me, then I can choose to walk away on my own instead waiting in the corner. Collecting dust like an old doll. If they find that they need me again, they should be able to find me.
In the past, I would have felt guilty for such a "culling", but I don't. I feel like I've lifted a weight off my shoulders. It's been utterly ... well, it's been a relief. Amazingly. So it was a good decision. Or at least, it was one that I was ready for. Simply ... Awesome.
What do I tackle next? I think I'll see if I can hunt down all my inspiration bits and finish a story or two. Its about time i joined the masses in trying to get published, don't you think?
Sweet Dreams!
Sunday, July 26, 2015
Movin' On Up!
July 26, 2015 - 00:47
Mood: Restless, distracted ...
Music: The Sound of Silence ~ Simon & Garfunkel
Thought of the Day: "It is better to be blind than to see things from only one point of view." ~Unknown; Proverb
Well, I've joined a Jewellery Club. Every month, I will be sent a project to create and we'll see what I do with it. Hopefully, it leads to something profitable. And fun. And pretty. For once, I will keep a few things for myself. :) Fair's fair.
I've been aching to create. No chance for my writing. As son as I get relaxed and start to get something down, I get interrupted. The cats I can forgive, but my Mom is constantly yelling from another room, texting, or popping her head in. I'd sit in my room, but then why do I have an office? Besides, my room offers no privacy either. Even with my door "shut" she opens it to speak with me. Doesn't matter if I am naked, or doing what ever. I have no privacy. No quiet space. I can't write, I can't sing, I can't ... anything. Sometimes I watch anime to block her out. Sometimes it works.
Almost have everything organised in the house. I'm liking things better. It's not perfect, but we've been here a couple months now and Mom hasn't moved the furniture. Actually, she hasn't done much of anything. I get home from work about 17:30 - 18:00 and end up making supper. What am I doing eating supper at 19:00 hrs when I have somebody home all day who is fairly capable of having it ready around the time I get home? *sigh* She said she wanted to be useful, but all she does is the dishes ... and watch TV, or the neighbours. Sometimes, she gets out to weed a flower bed. Sometimes. I wish she'd find a hobby of her own.
On that note, I have decided to rededicate myself to healthier eating. I don't believe in diets, per se. The idea of denying my body something it might need just to look better on the outside has never appealed to me. I'm on a salt reduced diet. I try to get items with a certain low level of salt. It's not easy, but if you read the labels and see how much salt is in our food, you won't want it anyway. And it's in everything! Okay, so I've reduced my salt and it's now a "treat" ... popcorn, chips, etc. I have these things occasionally ... but I'd like to take my healthy eating to another level. I'm going to reduce processed foods. No more cheese slices (this will kill me because I adore grilled cheese and it doesn't work as well with cheddar.), anything breaded (unless I've breaded it myself), or anything that is pre-prepared in a box, really. It will be harder on Mom, I think. I've done this before and liked it. Tavis lives mostly on his Bullet Smoothies, so he won't notice as much. Besides, he loves my cooking. Anything I make from scratch thrills him. Ah, well. I'll manage. So will she.
I'm also considering going back to eating based on Canada Food guide servings. It's not as hard as it looks. Takes a little getting used to though. Especially with you realise how much of a certain group you eat in a day. It also makes you a little more creative in the kitchen. Which is fine by me.
I'm still partially employed. This is stressful, because you are constantly losing your job and getting a new one and then losing it and getting a new one. Sometimes the job lasts for a while ... and you enjoy it, and rely on the pay cheques ... and just as you start to get really comfy, the pattern begins again. It's a harsh life, but it has some perks. Still no benefits though. Ah, well. Hopefully, things will become better soon. reducing that bit of stress is the ultimate move toward a healthier body. I'm sure I've mentioned this before. One of the perks of my current job is a lot of exercise. I climb stairs between the main and second floors about a dozen times a day. Not to mention the ones I take going to the LRT, Walking from the station to work, and then back again. And I have stairs at home too. It's becoming easier, but I'll be reducing them soon. I plan on driving to work instead of taking the train. It should knock about half an hour off my trip home. It will work out to cost me about $1 more a day, but I think the time-saving makes up for that.
Well, I better get to my room and tidy the mess I made. Only one box left. Can't recall what's in it. LOL! Can't wait to see.
Sweet Dreams!
Mood: Restless, distracted ...
Music: The Sound of Silence ~ Simon & Garfunkel
Thought of the Day: "It is better to be blind than to see things from only one point of view." ~Unknown; Proverb
Well, I've joined a Jewellery Club. Every month, I will be sent a project to create and we'll see what I do with it. Hopefully, it leads to something profitable. And fun. And pretty. For once, I will keep a few things for myself. :) Fair's fair.
I've been aching to create. No chance for my writing. As son as I get relaxed and start to get something down, I get interrupted. The cats I can forgive, but my Mom is constantly yelling from another room, texting, or popping her head in. I'd sit in my room, but then why do I have an office? Besides, my room offers no privacy either. Even with my door "shut" she opens it to speak with me. Doesn't matter if I am naked, or doing what ever. I have no privacy. No quiet space. I can't write, I can't sing, I can't ... anything. Sometimes I watch anime to block her out. Sometimes it works.
Almost have everything organised in the house. I'm liking things better. It's not perfect, but we've been here a couple months now and Mom hasn't moved the furniture. Actually, she hasn't done much of anything. I get home from work about 17:30 - 18:00 and end up making supper. What am I doing eating supper at 19:00 hrs when I have somebody home all day who is fairly capable of having it ready around the time I get home? *sigh* She said she wanted to be useful, but all she does is the dishes ... and watch TV, or the neighbours. Sometimes, she gets out to weed a flower bed. Sometimes. I wish she'd find a hobby of her own.
On that note, I have decided to rededicate myself to healthier eating. I don't believe in diets, per se. The idea of denying my body something it might need just to look better on the outside has never appealed to me. I'm on a salt reduced diet. I try to get items with a certain low level of salt. It's not easy, but if you read the labels and see how much salt is in our food, you won't want it anyway. And it's in everything! Okay, so I've reduced my salt and it's now a "treat" ... popcorn, chips, etc. I have these things occasionally ... but I'd like to take my healthy eating to another level. I'm going to reduce processed foods. No more cheese slices (this will kill me because I adore grilled cheese and it doesn't work as well with cheddar.), anything breaded (unless I've breaded it myself), or anything that is pre-prepared in a box, really. It will be harder on Mom, I think. I've done this before and liked it. Tavis lives mostly on his Bullet Smoothies, so he won't notice as much. Besides, he loves my cooking. Anything I make from scratch thrills him. Ah, well. I'll manage. So will she.
I'm also considering going back to eating based on Canada Food guide servings. It's not as hard as it looks. Takes a little getting used to though. Especially with you realise how much of a certain group you eat in a day. It also makes you a little more creative in the kitchen. Which is fine by me.
I'm still partially employed. This is stressful, because you are constantly losing your job and getting a new one and then losing it and getting a new one. Sometimes the job lasts for a while ... and you enjoy it, and rely on the pay cheques ... and just as you start to get really comfy, the pattern begins again. It's a harsh life, but it has some perks. Still no benefits though. Ah, well. Hopefully, things will become better soon. reducing that bit of stress is the ultimate move toward a healthier body. I'm sure I've mentioned this before. One of the perks of my current job is a lot of exercise. I climb stairs between the main and second floors about a dozen times a day. Not to mention the ones I take going to the LRT, Walking from the station to work, and then back again. And I have stairs at home too. It's becoming easier, but I'll be reducing them soon. I plan on driving to work instead of taking the train. It should knock about half an hour off my trip home. It will work out to cost me about $1 more a day, but I think the time-saving makes up for that.
Well, I better get to my room and tidy the mess I made. Only one box left. Can't recall what's in it. LOL! Can't wait to see.
Sweet Dreams!
Monday, June 15, 2015
I am the Captain of my Soul
(aka Taking control of the Wheelhouse.)
(aka Move Over Aliens ... I Got This)
Mood: Relaxed, but irritable
Music: California Dreamin' ~ Mamas & Papas
Thought for the Day: "I think, at a child's birth, if a mother could ask a fairy godmother to endow it with the most useful gift, that gift should be curiosity." ~ Eleanor Roosevelt
Well, my assignment with FRS is complete. I've reached the maximum number of weeks that I could be extended. Silly rules. They couldn't keep me longer without hiring me. So? Hire me. It's been three months! Why start all over again with a new person? Oh. Union rules. Pfft.
So, here I sit ... contemplating what my next moves should be. I've had a bit of advice, but I put a list together of things that needs to be done. In my head. I should probably write them down. :)
And so, the holiday begins. Hopefully I'll have enough time to get all the deferred projects around the house completed before the next opportunity pops up. Not that I'd turn down the pay cheque. Still, completing the house's set up/unpacking would relieve a lot of the inner stress that I torment myself with. Gives my mother less opportunity to get into trouble too. Or, it should.
Music: Walkin' After Midnight ~ Patsy Cline
I've been walking around my neighbourhood after supper. It's my digestive exercise, and it gets the neighbours used to seeing me. And if I go out at the right time, I generally find some eye candy walking around with their dogs. they are probably all taken too. Just my luck. Still ... I'm not going to meet people sitting in the house watching FB, or while writing, reading, etc. I need to get out. Amazing number of neighbours come out when they see us doing yard work, so maybe that's another ticket to explore.
I'm tired of being single. I like having my own time and being in charge of my bits of life, but I'm lonely. I sometimes crave some human contact that poor Tavis just can't comfortably give. Some best friends are good with that, I'm told, but he has his own issues to work through. Nevertheless, my best friend he remains. Thank the Goddess for this good fortune.
Okay ... List of items of concern. In no particular order, I must:
(aka Move Over Aliens ... I Got This)
Mood: Relaxed, but irritable
Music: California Dreamin' ~ Mamas & Papas
Thought for the Day: "I think, at a child's birth, if a mother could ask a fairy godmother to endow it with the most useful gift, that gift should be curiosity." ~ Eleanor Roosevelt
Well, my assignment with FRS is complete. I've reached the maximum number of weeks that I could be extended. Silly rules. They couldn't keep me longer without hiring me. So? Hire me. It's been three months! Why start all over again with a new person? Oh. Union rules. Pfft.
So, here I sit ... contemplating what my next moves should be. I've had a bit of advice, but I put a list together of things that needs to be done. In my head. I should probably write them down. :)
And so, the holiday begins. Hopefully I'll have enough time to get all the deferred projects around the house completed before the next opportunity pops up. Not that I'd turn down the pay cheque. Still, completing the house's set up/unpacking would relieve a lot of the inner stress that I torment myself with. Gives my mother less opportunity to get into trouble too. Or, it should.
Music: Walkin' After Midnight ~ Patsy Cline
I've been walking around my neighbourhood after supper. It's my digestive exercise, and it gets the neighbours used to seeing me. And if I go out at the right time, I generally find some eye candy walking around with their dogs. they are probably all taken too. Just my luck. Still ... I'm not going to meet people sitting in the house watching FB, or while writing, reading, etc. I need to get out. Amazing number of neighbours come out when they see us doing yard work, so maybe that's another ticket to explore.
I'm tired of being single. I like having my own time and being in charge of my bits of life, but I'm lonely. I sometimes crave some human contact that poor Tavis just can't comfortably give. Some best friends are good with that, I'm told, but he has his own issues to work through. Nevertheless, my best friend he remains. Thank the Goddess for this good fortune.
Okay ... List of items of concern. In no particular order, I must:
- Write my MLA - or at least my previous one - re: CDI so-called-"college"
- Contact GMU and see about deferring my course to Winter 2016 to give me more time to complete my Math requirements. Also to find out WHY I need Math 30 to do accounting. I mean, really? I shouldn't need more than Grade 4 to do accounting. And an understanding of basic formulas. Have I ranted about this yet? Somebody explain this to me.
- Yard work. re-weeding and law moving needs to be done.
- Unpack boxes - sort what's being kept and what's being sold.
- Check AMA for next shredding event
- Organise items being kept. Have I found the shelf pins yet? No. Damn.
- Have final garage sale and donate whatever is left.
- Hurry and get this all done so that Tavis can have the garage for his car parts!
- Try to find a way to get Mom to take a few days to take a holiday with a friend. It makes us both feel better.
- Get some resumes out. The lottery is not going to be handed to me without buying a ticket first. :)
Mom made split pea soup for supper today. Little irritated with her about it because she ate supper while Tavis and I were out shopping and she didn't even keep it warm for us. So much for a Family Sunday dinner. Pfft. I nuked my bowl briefly and stayed mostly silent.
Okay ... I think that list will do for now. Also, I need to think about sleep. It's about 0200 already. Silly me. I wonder why I like to write in the wee hours. Maybe I'm relaxed enough to just let the juices flow? Maybe. And maybe it's because it's quiet now, with everybody alseep, and nothing is distracting me. Well, the occasional fantasy doesn't count as a real distraction, right?
Sweet Dreams!
Sunday, May 31, 2015
The Home Stretch
May 30, 2015 - 23:52
Mood: Exhausted
Music: In the Air Tonight ~ Phil Collins
Thought of the Day: "Spirituality does not come from Religion. It comes from the Soul." ~ Anthony Douglas Williams
I've been wanting to write again, but it's been stupidly busy and not very quiet when its not busy. But tomorrow is an Unplugged Day, so I want to get this in while I can. Besides, a friend updated hers and it made me feel motivated. :)
We're still unpacking. We've been in the "new" house for a month now ... and we're still unpacking. Partially because the shelving pins were put in a last minute "safe" place. Dammit. So I can't put the shelves up, and I can't unpack my books or display items. Grr ... So I'm unloading likely locations onto any available surface. My bed, the spare bed, my comic boxes, chairs, my closet. *sigh* It'll all settle soon, I think. Meanwhile, I'm able to go through things and decide what I'm keeping and what I'm not. And wonder why the heck I was holing on to something in the first place. I mean really ... why do we do this to ourselves? I need to do a mass shredding event too. Pity I missed out on the one being offered by AMA. I might be able to sneak some in at work, but I'd prefer not to. Kind of against the rules.
So ... just to catch you up with things form the last entry ... the car got a tune up. Spark plugs had an excessive gap, fuel injector was dirty, tires were ready to blow (well, one had a bubble forming, but the rest weren't far behind), and the timing belt was over due. $1300 later and all that was fixed. I get a smoother ride out of the car now, and it's not using quite as much gas, but it's still gutless. I'm afraid to pass on the single lane highway, because I end up playing chicken with on-coming traffic. It's just not a highway vehicle. At all. I'm trying to convince Mom to let me trade it up, but I'm waiting to see what my job situation is like. My current assignment ends on June 12. Will I be staying longer with another extension? Staying permanently? Or will I be moving on to another job? Or on a temporary "vacation". I tried to go an pick up the van last night, but the battery was dead and the hood wouldn't open. So I returned the papers and the keys and suggested that they donate it to the Kidney Foundation. they also had a friend who wanted it for parts. That works too.
Mom is, as usual, slowly driving me insane. Partially because she's taking over the house (claiming that she's not, all the while) and partially because there's really no where that I can go where she doesn't interrupt me multiple times by either trying to chat me up, babbling silly/idle conversation at me, and I mean CONSTANTLY, or coming into my space. As an introvert, this is not acceptable. I need uninterrupted quiet to recharge. I'm not getting it. Instead, I'm being nagged at to DO something ... because she's bored. I have to go to bed when she's tired. And yes, put on a sweater when she's cold as well. Actually, she occasionally tries to cover me up because she says that I LOOK cold. Oookay, then.
The garden ... is sadly going to wait until next year while I take the time to work it. It's getting a bit late to plant things and we need a good rototiller. The garden and flower beds here have been so abused/neglected. Which is a pity, because the soil was excellent. Still is, I guess, but it needs some serious lovin'. Well, it'll get that. I'm determined.
So many things that I wanted to get off my chest today, but I'm not able to think of them as well as I was earlier. *sigh* The danger of writing in the wee hours, I guess. :) Oh, well. Safe to say that I'm still frustrated, lonely, depressed, and struggling with my hormones. The depression has improved, but I have the odd time when it really hits for a while. Still, it has improved greatly. Reduced stress helps. Even my weight is slowly getting better. Still fluctuates, but the amounts are less ... this is a good thing! Slow, but good. My back is a major ache though. Stiff. A massage is very much required. I wonder if my Blue Cross covers it?
So, I keep going back to my job situation. Or, my brain does. If I have to choose, do I go with the job that is the longer commute (30 - 40 min), but higher pay, and I'm already trained for it? I'd also be trained in other areas as well. Or do I choose the shorter commute (like 15 - 20 min) for lightly less pay (-$3), but utilizes my variety of skills better as well. I'd be starting over from scratch again. I wonder. It's a waiting game at the moment. I still hope to get some schooling completed as well. Well, fingers crossed that I get a choice and not have it thrust upon me. And if it is, I hope it turns out to be a damn god one.
I should go and relax in bed now. Tavis is away on exercise and the kitties are restless without him to distract them.
Sweet Dreams!
Mood: Exhausted
Music: In the Air Tonight ~ Phil Collins
Thought of the Day: "Spirituality does not come from Religion. It comes from the Soul." ~ Anthony Douglas Williams
I've been wanting to write again, but it's been stupidly busy and not very quiet when its not busy. But tomorrow is an Unplugged Day, so I want to get this in while I can. Besides, a friend updated hers and it made me feel motivated. :)
We're still unpacking. We've been in the "new" house for a month now ... and we're still unpacking. Partially because the shelving pins were put in a last minute "safe" place. Dammit. So I can't put the shelves up, and I can't unpack my books or display items. Grr ... So I'm unloading likely locations onto any available surface. My bed, the spare bed, my comic boxes, chairs, my closet. *sigh* It'll all settle soon, I think. Meanwhile, I'm able to go through things and decide what I'm keeping and what I'm not. And wonder why the heck I was holing on to something in the first place. I mean really ... why do we do this to ourselves? I need to do a mass shredding event too. Pity I missed out on the one being offered by AMA. I might be able to sneak some in at work, but I'd prefer not to. Kind of against the rules.
So ... just to catch you up with things form the last entry ... the car got a tune up. Spark plugs had an excessive gap, fuel injector was dirty, tires were ready to blow (well, one had a bubble forming, but the rest weren't far behind), and the timing belt was over due. $1300 later and all that was fixed. I get a smoother ride out of the car now, and it's not using quite as much gas, but it's still gutless. I'm afraid to pass on the single lane highway, because I end up playing chicken with on-coming traffic. It's just not a highway vehicle. At all. I'm trying to convince Mom to let me trade it up, but I'm waiting to see what my job situation is like. My current assignment ends on June 12. Will I be staying longer with another extension? Staying permanently? Or will I be moving on to another job? Or on a temporary "vacation". I tried to go an pick up the van last night, but the battery was dead and the hood wouldn't open. So I returned the papers and the keys and suggested that they donate it to the Kidney Foundation. they also had a friend who wanted it for parts. That works too.
Mom is, as usual, slowly driving me insane. Partially because she's taking over the house (claiming that she's not, all the while) and partially because there's really no where that I can go where she doesn't interrupt me multiple times by either trying to chat me up, babbling silly/idle conversation at me, and I mean CONSTANTLY, or coming into my space. As an introvert, this is not acceptable. I need uninterrupted quiet to recharge. I'm not getting it. Instead, I'm being nagged at to DO something ... because she's bored. I have to go to bed when she's tired. And yes, put on a sweater when she's cold as well. Actually, she occasionally tries to cover me up because she says that I LOOK cold. Oookay, then.
The garden ... is sadly going to wait until next year while I take the time to work it. It's getting a bit late to plant things and we need a good rototiller. The garden and flower beds here have been so abused/neglected. Which is a pity, because the soil was excellent. Still is, I guess, but it needs some serious lovin'. Well, it'll get that. I'm determined.
So many things that I wanted to get off my chest today, but I'm not able to think of them as well as I was earlier. *sigh* The danger of writing in the wee hours, I guess. :) Oh, well. Safe to say that I'm still frustrated, lonely, depressed, and struggling with my hormones. The depression has improved, but I have the odd time when it really hits for a while. Still, it has improved greatly. Reduced stress helps. Even my weight is slowly getting better. Still fluctuates, but the amounts are less ... this is a good thing! Slow, but good. My back is a major ache though. Stiff. A massage is very much required. I wonder if my Blue Cross covers it?
So, I keep going back to my job situation. Or, my brain does. If I have to choose, do I go with the job that is the longer commute (30 - 40 min), but higher pay, and I'm already trained for it? I'd also be trained in other areas as well. Or do I choose the shorter commute (like 15 - 20 min) for lightly less pay (-$3), but utilizes my variety of skills better as well. I'd be starting over from scratch again. I wonder. It's a waiting game at the moment. I still hope to get some schooling completed as well. Well, fingers crossed that I get a choice and not have it thrust upon me. And if it is, I hope it turns out to be a damn god one.
I should go and relax in bed now. Tavis is away on exercise and the kitties are restless without him to distract them.
Sweet Dreams!
Monday, May 18, 2015
Circles Within Circles
(aka There's Always That One Thing, You Know? Damn Aliens.)
May 18, 2015 - 16:15
Mood: Tired, tense, and craving
Music: Who's Your Daddy ~ Toby Keith
Thought of the Day: "I find that my words sound better coming from my fingers than from my mouth. It's my honest opinion." ~ Lea
HAPPY VICTORIA DAY!
Having a rocky day today. Can't decide if I need uninterrupted "alone" time, or just really good sex. Little to no chance of getting either, so I guess I'll have to find something else. *sigh* Either way, I'm still a little overwhelmed with how much we still have to do in the new place. And it all seems to have deadlines and price tags. Guh. I'm taking the car in tomorrow to find out why I'm going through 1/8th of a tank of gas a day. (Going directly back and forth to work only.) Still have to get my van in from Camrose (and find where I packed the keys too! And pay for it as well ...) Half hoping I can trade both vehicles in for something newer and efficient.
I'm also trying to get the flower beds and garden ready. The flower beds are proving easier but the garden is so neglected that it took me 3 hours to clear a patch of dirt big enough for my cat to roll in. I need a rototiller ... but buy, or rent? Small chance of borrowing.We also have to get garage finished/cleared and set up for a garage sale next weekend. No rest for the wicked here. Just a couple of heavy items to move ... and then my poor muscles might be coaxed in to relaxing. Maybe. So far, they haven't believed me. Probably can't blame them.
Have a sunburn on the small of my back ... It never occurred to me to put sunscreen there. (I was fully clothed outside, but apparently my shirt kept riding up as I weeded.) Makes it a bit uncomfortable to wear pants ... Ah, well.
Oh. Yeah ... Tavis and I moved. Right out of the city. Now living in a small town that we feel safe in. Moved Mom back in with us too. Not sure how I'm dealing with that, but there it is. My god-mother suggested that I get her into a "home" so that she can be independent, but cared for and also have friends her age "to play with". this is a good plan, in theory, but also quite out of our (mine or Mom's) price range, and nobody else will take her in. So, here we are ... on the raggedy edge.
House is lovely. I adore it. It's everything that I want, Really. Hoping to have things fully unpacked by the weekend so that we can start inviting people over to see it! and have BBQ's and all that. Mom is insisting on having a pool. I don't mind that plan, and offered her a solution that won't take up yard space, or ruin the grass. 12' pool ... we are going to be very popular in the summer.
I need to get off the computer. This temporary desk surface is hurting my back ... another cost to worry about.
Sweet Dreams!
May 18, 2015 - 16:15
Mood: Tired, tense, and craving
Music: Who's Your Daddy ~ Toby Keith
Thought of the Day: "I find that my words sound better coming from my fingers than from my mouth. It's my honest opinion." ~ Lea
HAPPY VICTORIA DAY!
Having a rocky day today. Can't decide if I need uninterrupted "alone" time, or just really good sex. Little to no chance of getting either, so I guess I'll have to find something else. *sigh* Either way, I'm still a little overwhelmed with how much we still have to do in the new place. And it all seems to have deadlines and price tags. Guh. I'm taking the car in tomorrow to find out why I'm going through 1/8th of a tank of gas a day. (Going directly back and forth to work only.) Still have to get my van in from Camrose (and find where I packed the keys too! And pay for it as well ...) Half hoping I can trade both vehicles in for something newer and efficient.
I'm also trying to get the flower beds and garden ready. The flower beds are proving easier but the garden is so neglected that it took me 3 hours to clear a patch of dirt big enough for my cat to roll in. I need a rototiller ... but buy, or rent? Small chance of borrowing.We also have to get garage finished/cleared and set up for a garage sale next weekend. No rest for the wicked here. Just a couple of heavy items to move ... and then my poor muscles might be coaxed in to relaxing. Maybe. So far, they haven't believed me. Probably can't blame them.
Have a sunburn on the small of my back ... It never occurred to me to put sunscreen there. (I was fully clothed outside, but apparently my shirt kept riding up as I weeded.) Makes it a bit uncomfortable to wear pants ... Ah, well.
Oh. Yeah ... Tavis and I moved. Right out of the city. Now living in a small town that we feel safe in. Moved Mom back in with us too. Not sure how I'm dealing with that, but there it is. My god-mother suggested that I get her into a "home" so that she can be independent, but cared for and also have friends her age "to play with". this is a good plan, in theory, but also quite out of our (mine or Mom's) price range, and nobody else will take her in. So, here we are ... on the raggedy edge.
House is lovely. I adore it. It's everything that I want, Really. Hoping to have things fully unpacked by the weekend so that we can start inviting people over to see it! and have BBQ's and all that. Mom is insisting on having a pool. I don't mind that plan, and offered her a solution that won't take up yard space, or ruin the grass. 12' pool ... we are going to be very popular in the summer.
I need to get off the computer. This temporary desk surface is hurting my back ... another cost to worry about.
Sweet Dreams!
Tuesday, March 10, 2015
Weep Not for the Memories
March 10, 2015 - 21:21
Mood: Tired/Depressed/Frustrated/Irritated/Stressed (explosion waiting to happen?)
Music: I Will Remember You ~ Sarah McLachlan
Thought of the Day: Our only limitations are those which we set up in our own minds, or permit others to establish for us. (Elizabeth Arden)
I'm so tired but I can't sleep
Standin' on the edge of something much too deep
It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
We are screaming inside, but we can't be heard
"I don't know how long this pain will last" ... seems like I need song lyrics tonight. So much going wrong, building up and failing me. And I'm so lonely with it all.
The crying comes and goes in spurts. Not sure if that's just when it builds up briefly, or if I keep managing to clamp down on it. Probably not a good sign either way. It shows that the dam has leaks and there are no proverbial thumbs around to help me seal it up again.
(Well, that was a naughty image ...)
Chatted with Tavis for a bit. He did his best to cheer me up long distance. It made me smile, but unfortunately merely impacted on the surface of my sorrow. Damn, I must be melancholy to come up with a phrase like that. What a sad key to my lock.
Off to try something else. I have things that must be done. I'm determined to find the stamina to get it all done.
Sweet Dreams
Mood: Tired/Depressed/Frustrated/Irritated/Stressed (explosion waiting to happen?)
Music: I Will Remember You ~ Sarah McLachlan
Thought of the Day: Our only limitations are those which we set up in our own minds, or permit others to establish for us. (Elizabeth Arden)
I'm so tired but I can't sleep
Standin' on the edge of something much too deep
It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
We are screaming inside, but we can't be heard
"I don't know how long this pain will last" ... seems like I need song lyrics tonight. So much going wrong, building up and failing me. And I'm so lonely with it all.
The crying comes and goes in spurts. Not sure if that's just when it builds up briefly, or if I keep managing to clamp down on it. Probably not a good sign either way. It shows that the dam has leaks and there are no proverbial thumbs around to help me seal it up again.
(Well, that was a naughty image ...)
Chatted with Tavis for a bit. He did his best to cheer me up long distance. It made me smile, but unfortunately merely impacted on the surface of my sorrow. Damn, I must be melancholy to come up with a phrase like that. What a sad key to my lock.
Off to try something else. I have things that must be done. I'm determined to find the stamina to get it all done.
Sweet Dreams
Wednesday, February 18, 2015
Second Star To the Right ... Of What??
February 18, 2015 - 00:15
Mood: Tired, though I know I won't sleep.
Music: Just the hum of the lap top, and the ringing of my ears.
Thought of the Day: Love never dies ... but, like the heart it beats within, it can falter when overly taxed with damages. And, no matter how well it heals, the scar never completely fades. This is the price of immortality.
I cannot cry to ease my feelings while I live with you, for you will see or hear, and you will come to interfere. But, if I lived alone, I fear I would start to cry and never stop ...
Either way, I cry alone.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I finally saw Finding Neverland today. It was as wonderful as I knew it would be. I kept falling in love with Johnny's accent - over and over again. The story was surprisingly different, in parts, than I was expecting. Been a few story lines today that have surprised me. It's quite refreshing, really. As a writer, I tend to see plot lines a bit more obviously than others and I have long since come to terms with it ... and learned to not give things away - too much. I sometimes sit and think that I would have handled that scene differently. Or phrased something in another way to arrive at a stronger impact, but still offer subtle foreshadowing. It keeps me engaged in the storyline and makes it easier to enjoy. Been a long time since I was swept away by the ideas or worlds presented. It happens occasionally though. And I enjoy them all the more.
I had a 'no people' day today. Well, I had a 'no people' afternoon, at least. Tavis was home late from work so I had a bit of extra time to myself. I didn't relax enough for a complete pity party though. Which was, well ... a pity. It's good to get it out and express it so that you stop obsessing over it in your head. Get it out and move on without it. You may have to do it more than once, as you find a corner of it that you missed before ... or the situation revisits. But do it.
My situation has revisited once again, but I think I may have a bit of dim sunlight available. Starlight, perhaps. Not enough to warm myself with, or keep myself from stumbling about, but it is enough to know I'm not entirely covered in darkness. And if I use those stars, I may find my way to where I need to be. Hope. Stars, to me, represent hope. Hope that one day, they'll offer me direction. And I'll be able to follow it.
Sweet Dreams!
Mood: Tired, though I know I won't sleep.
Music: Just the hum of the lap top, and the ringing of my ears.
Thought of the Day: Love never dies ... but, like the heart it beats within, it can falter when overly taxed with damages. And, no matter how well it heals, the scar never completely fades. This is the price of immortality.
I cannot cry to ease my feelings while I live with you, for you will see or hear, and you will come to interfere. But, if I lived alone, I fear I would start to cry and never stop ...
Either way, I cry alone.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I finally saw Finding Neverland today. It was as wonderful as I knew it would be. I kept falling in love with Johnny's accent - over and over again. The story was surprisingly different, in parts, than I was expecting. Been a few story lines today that have surprised me. It's quite refreshing, really. As a writer, I tend to see plot lines a bit more obviously than others and I have long since come to terms with it ... and learned to not give things away - too much. I sometimes sit and think that I would have handled that scene differently. Or phrased something in another way to arrive at a stronger impact, but still offer subtle foreshadowing. It keeps me engaged in the storyline and makes it easier to enjoy. Been a long time since I was swept away by the ideas or worlds presented. It happens occasionally though. And I enjoy them all the more.
I had a 'no people' day today. Well, I had a 'no people' afternoon, at least. Tavis was home late from work so I had a bit of extra time to myself. I didn't relax enough for a complete pity party though. Which was, well ... a pity. It's good to get it out and express it so that you stop obsessing over it in your head. Get it out and move on without it. You may have to do it more than once, as you find a corner of it that you missed before ... or the situation revisits. But do it.
My situation has revisited once again, but I think I may have a bit of dim sunlight available. Starlight, perhaps. Not enough to warm myself with, or keep myself from stumbling about, but it is enough to know I'm not entirely covered in darkness. And if I use those stars, I may find my way to where I need to be. Hope. Stars, to me, represent hope. Hope that one day, they'll offer me direction. And I'll be able to follow it.
Sweet Dreams!
Monday, February 16, 2015
Never Give Up
February 16, 2015 - 17:48
Happy Family Day!
Mood: Tired, but determined. Restlessly creative.
Music: Those Were the Days ~ Mary Hopkins
Thought of the Day: Proper speaking requires proper sleep. If you don't have one, you'll never be sure of the other.
Bring on the Rain - Jo Dee Messina
SONGWRITERS
DARLING, HELEN / MONTANA, BILLY
Happy Family Day!
Mood: Tired, but determined. Restlessly creative.
Music: Those Were the Days ~ Mary Hopkins
Thought of the Day: Proper speaking requires proper sleep. If you don't have one, you'll never be sure of the other.
Bring on the Rain - Jo Dee Messina
SONGWRITERS
DARLING, HELEN / MONTANA, BILLY
Another day has almost come and gone
Can't imagine what else could go wrong
Sometimes I'd like to hide away somewhere and lock the door
A single battle lost but not the war
Can't imagine what else could go wrong
Sometimes I'd like to hide away somewhere and lock the door
A single battle lost but not the war
'Cause, tomorrow's another day
And I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain
And I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain
It's almost like the hard times circle 'round
A couple drops and they all start coming down
Yeah, I might feel defeated and I might hang my head
I might be barely breathing but I'm not dead, no
A couple drops and they all start coming down
Yeah, I might feel defeated and I might hang my head
I might be barely breathing but I'm not dead, no
'Cause, tomorrow's another day
And I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain. Oooh
And I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain. Oooh
No, I'm not gonna let it get me down
I'm not gonna cry
And I'm not gonna lose any sleep tonight
I'm not gonna cry
And I'm not gonna lose any sleep tonight
'Cause, tomorrow's another day
And I am not afraid
So bring on the rain.
And I am not afraid
So bring on the rain.
Tomorrow's another day
And I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain.
And I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain.
Oooh
Bring on, bring on the rain
No, I'm not gonna let it get me down
I'm not gonna cry
So bring on the rain. Oooh
I'm not gonna cry
So bring on the rain. Oooh
Bring on, bring on the rain
Bring on the rain
Bring on the rain.
Bring on the rain
Bring on the rain.
Oooh
21:47
My brain is scattered, and I'm having trouble sitting down to one task tonight. Too much to do, even though I seem to have all the time in the world to do it in. Maybe it's because when I think I have lots of time I suddenly don't. I get interrupted by something that takes a huge chunk out of my day. Granted, if it's work, then I could certainly use the money - there's not enough of that either. I just don't like the sudden switch. Maybe I'm odd that way. Maybe I'm just tired of the feeling that I'm trapped by my circumstances. Can't afford to move out on my own. Can't leave my mother to live on her own either. And poor Tavis ... trying his best to cover the extras until I get back on my feet. Again. The timing is certainly off ... we have to move in a couple of months. Ugh.
I'm trying to avoid stressing myself out again, but I'm tired. I went to a Tragically Hip concert on Thursday with a new friend, a movie with Tavis on Friday, dinner with another friend on Saturday, and lunch with my cousin on Sunday. No rest on Monday either ... woke up for a house viewing. That's a damn hopping schedule for an introvert like me. I'm a little frazzled.
Anyway, crossing fingers for EI coverage, because I just spent my last bit of money on bills. Less than $600 doesn't go far when you owe over $20, 000. and a lot of it is charging you interest. *sigh*
But, this is depressing. So I'll sign off for now. Maybe I'll come back down later for some more job hunting. Maybe I'll go to bed. Maybe I'll crochet, with a movie ... or read a book, for a bit. Bed might be the better choice, but I can't sleep more than four hours lately anyway ...
Actually, that works too ... sleep four, maybe five hours and then be up early to job hunt. It could be a good thing.
Sweet Dreams!
Sunday, February 08, 2015
Excuse me ...
February 8, 2015 - 12:26
Mood: Don't ask. Lots of negativity swirling around right now.
Music: None.
Thought of the day: Do unto others ... you know the drill.
I am NOT your punching bag. I did not agree to enter into this relationship because I wanted to practise my skills at putting up with a self centred, arrogant, dick head. Those are skills that I'd rather let go to rust, thank you very much. Everything is at your convenience, and everything that is not is apparently my fault. You get insulted over the most innocent of remarks. And you are worse when you are toking. (Especially when you started to mix it with pipe tobacco. You may wish to stop that.) It's like I'm dating two of my exes rolled into one douche bag. Congratulations. I hadn't thought that was previously possible.
Yes, the relationship is just about the sex. I agreed to that, although it's not my preference by any stretch of the imagination. BUT that's still a relationship that requires respect, and trust. You offer me neither. What you have offered me is nothing I want to deal with. Not even to help you through your own issues, will I exacerbate my own. You scathingly bitch that I won't put the effort out to scrape together $3 for bus fare to come and massage your sore back? Seriously? I'm counting pennies with unemployment, and I have to be ready for whatever work assignment comes up next. Do you honestly think I used to walk to work in the mornings because I wanted to exercise? You lazy, fucking sod! You have a pass, and you have my address. (I still don't have yours, and now I don't want it.)
I am at my limit for your rude comments, sneers, and general derision. Fuck you. You have issues? You have anxieties? So do I. You claimed that I was quiet and very introverted ... and then you bitch because I'm very introverted. Fuck off. The promise of sex is not worth the pain of your attitude. If I got off on that I'd still be dating Jade. I'm not going to walk on eggshells to maintain your sense of right in your world. That's a stress I don't deserve. That's something that nobody deserves. It's a stress that breaks people ... and nobody is worth breaking themselves over. Certainly, nobody is so worthless that they need to do it more than once. That's a trap that I will never re-enter.
Geezus, Poe! You are killing yourself with that robe of negativity that you wrap yourself so tightly in. Acknowledge the positive in your life. There is some! Although, some of it just walked out ...
Sweet Dreams
Mood: Don't ask. Lots of negativity swirling around right now.
Music: None.
Thought of the day: Do unto others ... you know the drill.
I am NOT your punching bag. I did not agree to enter into this relationship because I wanted to practise my skills at putting up with a self centred, arrogant, dick head. Those are skills that I'd rather let go to rust, thank you very much. Everything is at your convenience, and everything that is not is apparently my fault. You get insulted over the most innocent of remarks. And you are worse when you are toking. (Especially when you started to mix it with pipe tobacco. You may wish to stop that.) It's like I'm dating two of my exes rolled into one douche bag. Congratulations. I hadn't thought that was previously possible.
Yes, the relationship is just about the sex. I agreed to that, although it's not my preference by any stretch of the imagination. BUT that's still a relationship that requires respect, and trust. You offer me neither. What you have offered me is nothing I want to deal with. Not even to help you through your own issues, will I exacerbate my own. You scathingly bitch that I won't put the effort out to scrape together $3 for bus fare to come and massage your sore back? Seriously? I'm counting pennies with unemployment, and I have to be ready for whatever work assignment comes up next. Do you honestly think I used to walk to work in the mornings because I wanted to exercise? You lazy, fucking sod! You have a pass, and you have my address. (I still don't have yours, and now I don't want it.)
I am at my limit for your rude comments, sneers, and general derision. Fuck you. You have issues? You have anxieties? So do I. You claimed that I was quiet and very introverted ... and then you bitch because I'm very introverted. Fuck off. The promise of sex is not worth the pain of your attitude. If I got off on that I'd still be dating Jade. I'm not going to walk on eggshells to maintain your sense of right in your world. That's a stress I don't deserve. That's something that nobody deserves. It's a stress that breaks people ... and nobody is worth breaking themselves over. Certainly, nobody is so worthless that they need to do it more than once. That's a trap that I will never re-enter.
Geezus, Poe! You are killing yourself with that robe of negativity that you wrap yourself so tightly in. Acknowledge the positive in your life. There is some! Although, some of it just walked out ...
Sweet Dreams
Tuesday, February 03, 2015
Reaching Out While Looking In
February 3, 2015 - 00:13
Mood: Tired, stressed ... should be in bed!
Music: My Immortal ~ Evanescence
Thought of the Day: Fate is something you achieve no matter what road you choose, or how you get there.
Today's Thought of the Day was found on an old Profile of mine. I stared at it and thought 'Wow! Did that come out of my head?' LOL! It's not perfect, but I really like the thought behind it. I keep wanting to adjust it. Correct it. Improve it. I stop myself each time. It caught my attention just as it is ... let it inspire somebody else and let them adjust it to themselves. A little voice in my head is argumentative at that idea ... I'm not the person that I was when I wrote it. I was lonelier, and much more open/honest in my writing. I do agree with my voice ... but now is not the time to be mucking with thoughts from the past. I want to talk about Now.
I've been thinking of Poe today. Let me backtrack a bit ... I recently started a new job. Poe was one of my co-workers and we had been starting to text conversations to each other. I was also recently "let go" from said job. They claimed that I had violated the respectful workplace policy, but could not explain to me HOW I breached it. I, personally, felt that I had not. I still feel that I had not. So, I am left without answers, and without a job. Again. That was last Friday. Today, Poe let me know that he is also being investigated but he was not informed of why. Poe is in a very delicate frame of mind. (He would protest that phrasing, of course.) His situation before getting this job was very similar to my own, but I have found a strength to push forward. I also have Tavis. Hopefully, he will know that he has me as well. Hopefully, tomorrow will give him the information he needs to focus on a plan. Right now ... I'm very concerned for him. Sending him positive thoughts. Hope he lets them in.
I've been a bit remiss in my writing, and I'm not talking about how often I write. that needs work too, but I'm improving, I think. No, I'm mean my style. I haven't been writing from my soul, like I used to, and I've been noticing it in the reflections of the illustrations that I've been trying to express. They pale in comparison to my earlier works. I feel that I have been limiting myself based on my "audience" ... which, I also feel is why I have been failing to write as much as I could be. There have been a few people who have had access to my journal here that I had let in because I could trust them. They abused and betrayed this trust, and I found myself unwilling to talk about certain things that I really needed to get down. And when I did, I couldn't release as much as I needed to. So, here we are. Going back to the basics. I'm writing for me. Not for my audience. Not in order to "report" events. For me. From the soul.
Regretfully, the best time I feel for writing is in the wee hours of the morning. This makes for a very difficult schedule. :) Still, I am trying.
I should get to bed now. I might have a job in the morning. The joys of temp work. I just needed to get Poe's problems ... not off my heart, but shared. It feels better to share. I hope he trusts me enough to share his pain with me. It's easier to be stronger for others than it is to stand alone.
Sweet Dreams ...
Saturday, January 24, 2015
Sing a Song of Cherries and Fingers in the Pies
January 23, 2015 - 20:23
Mood: Jolly!!
Music: You Don't Own Me ~sung by Bette Midler, Goldie Hawn, and Diane Keaton (First Wives Club)
Thought of the Day: If life is like a box of chocolates, then mine is all cherries ... and I'm going to savour each bite of it.
It was a distracting day today. Our training class got shifted around (like kids!) and I found myself sitting beside a very attractive man. My goodness ... wasn't sure if the day was long or short. I honestly couldn't tell. I'll have to come up with a name for him. Let's call him Poe. Yeah, that's witty on a few levels. I can always change it, after all. Poe is delicious. All the things that I like in a guy at first glance - tall, intelligent, sexy, nice voice ... beautiful eyes. And he thinks I'm hot. Whew! My goodness ... I'd jump him in a heartbeat. I really would. (Damn you, Aunt Flo. Your timing could be worse, I suppose.)
(Note to guys: When a woman says, 'Not this week' then understand that she is quietly bleeding to death and if that doesn't make her feel un-sexy, then the cramps certainly won't improve it. Just sayin'.)
So! First week of work at my new job completed. I love this job already ... and not just because of the good looking guy(s). It has a good atmosphere. I have yet to hear any solid complaints about working here. My only complaint is that I'm told we will only have 1/2 hr for lunches. Oh, no, no, no ... 1/2 hour lunches do little to ease the stress of your shift. I know. Ah, well. Maybe something can be negotiated. Maybe not. We'll see. Otherwise, this is my dream company. AND I'll be getting a permanent posting with benefits in three months!! WHOOP! Much better than the eleven months they originally offered.
Sang for the first time in months today. and sounded good ... I could hear that buzzing to prove I was hitting the right notes. getting a buzz from music and high on life. That's good enough for me. Never wanted to try anything else ... Never needed to. Blonde hair was all I needed. (The breasts help too. I admit it.)
I wish I wrote as often now as I did when I first starting writing my journal on-line. I wrote once or twice a day. In depth and passionate, even. Now ... I don't have the time. The inclination is still there though. I should make the time. Dammit, I will make the time. Gradually, so that it fits in my schedule easier. Perhaps, I will make a Friday pledge? Hmmm ... I will write something each weekend. At least once, starting today. There. It has been said, It has been written, Let it be done.
I'm going to end this entry a bit short. I'm typing like a drunk. LOL! The typos are killing me!
Sweet Dreams!
Mood: Jolly!!
Music: You Don't Own Me ~sung by Bette Midler, Goldie Hawn, and Diane Keaton (First Wives Club)
Thought of the Day: If life is like a box of chocolates, then mine is all cherries ... and I'm going to savour each bite of it.
It was a distracting day today. Our training class got shifted around (like kids!) and I found myself sitting beside a very attractive man. My goodness ... wasn't sure if the day was long or short. I honestly couldn't tell. I'll have to come up with a name for him. Let's call him Poe. Yeah, that's witty on a few levels. I can always change it, after all. Poe is delicious. All the things that I like in a guy at first glance - tall, intelligent, sexy, nice voice ... beautiful eyes. And he thinks I'm hot. Whew! My goodness ... I'd jump him in a heartbeat. I really would. (Damn you, Aunt Flo. Your timing could be worse, I suppose.)
(Note to guys: When a woman says, 'Not this week' then understand that she is quietly bleeding to death and if that doesn't make her feel un-sexy, then the cramps certainly won't improve it. Just sayin'.)
So! First week of work at my new job completed. I love this job already ... and not just because of the good looking guy(s). It has a good atmosphere. I have yet to hear any solid complaints about working here. My only complaint is that I'm told we will only have 1/2 hr for lunches. Oh, no, no, no ... 1/2 hour lunches do little to ease the stress of your shift. I know. Ah, well. Maybe something can be negotiated. Maybe not. We'll see. Otherwise, this is my dream company. AND I'll be getting a permanent posting with benefits in three months!! WHOOP! Much better than the eleven months they originally offered.
Sang for the first time in months today. and sounded good ... I could hear that buzzing to prove I was hitting the right notes. getting a buzz from music and high on life. That's good enough for me. Never wanted to try anything else ... Never needed to. Blonde hair was all I needed. (The breasts help too. I admit it.)
I wish I wrote as often now as I did when I first starting writing my journal on-line. I wrote once or twice a day. In depth and passionate, even. Now ... I don't have the time. The inclination is still there though. I should make the time. Dammit, I will make the time. Gradually, so that it fits in my schedule easier. Perhaps, I will make a Friday pledge? Hmmm ... I will write something each weekend. At least once, starting today. There. It has been said, It has been written, Let it be done.
I'm going to end this entry a bit short. I'm typing like a drunk. LOL! The typos are killing me!
Sweet Dreams!
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