Thursday, August 18, 2016 - 23:02
Mood: Calm, and content
Music: "Broken Wings" ~ Mr. Mister
Thought of the Day: Your heartbeat is the music of your soul. Listen and learn to dance again.
Since the evening of Aug 8, I have felt a new inner calm. That Monday, I had a chat with Tavis. Made a few WTF comments, let him know how hurt I was with the back-stabbing, and how utterly sick it made me that I frequently heard him tell his girlfriend, 'I'm sorry, I fucked up again.' He says it more often than he thinks he does. Mostly I'm just frustrated with the unnecessary drama that's mostly in his girlfriend's imagination. I'm pretty sure that he'll forget half of what I said, since he has the memory of a goldfish, but he seemed sincere for most of it. What really floored me was when he lied to my face with a few answers, but I was tired of the whole drama thing. So, I gave him the last part of his birthday present. The first week was a relief. The second week was a little harder to keep my promise - but I'm one of the few people I know that keeps their promises. Stubborn too. :) So, I've been toe-ing the line, although he's acting like nothing happened. On one hand, it ticks me off, but on the other hand, it slightly amuses me. Whatever. Just whatever.
Music: "Sounds of Silence" - Simon & Garfunkle
My new inner calm has been helping me feel grounded and centered. I have been stepping forward and visiting friends and family. I created a Journey Jar, and took my first road trip yesterday! What's a Journey Jar? Well, I needed an outlet for my stress and anxieties. I was thinking of the pictures that I used to take as I walked around Pender Island. I realised that Alberta had a lot of weird landmarks that I had never heard of, and a couple that I had heard of, but had never seen. So I decided that I would make a list of the ones that I could drive to, visit, and return home in one day. At the cost of a tank of gas, and a meal or two, it would be a rewarding trip. I could take a friend, or go alone as I needed. I would be a part-time Day Tripper. LOL! Only one trip in and I'm pleased with the results so far. Wish I could show you my decorated Jar. Can't wait for the next trip! I plan to take a trip once a month, whether I need it or not, to help me stay balanced.
I've also created a Crafter's Group on FB. It's another excuse to get some friends together and gab while we relax with projects. We'll use the club page for ideas and encouragement!
I've applied for work now that my medical leave has officially ended. I think I have a handle on things for now. I'm also working on trying to get back into school, if it's not too late. If it is, I'll be saving like crazy until next year. Maybe I'll be allowed to take a few computer courses towards my goal. I'm staying positive about this. The course I want should open a lot more doors for me than I might normally see with a lesser education. I'm also considering starting my own business, so my course will go towards that as well. I need to talk with Shepherd and see if I can pick up some business tips. ;) I'm really excited about being my own boss. I just have to narrow-down what would be a successful product in my small town. I've written down scads of ideas and scenarios. Still a work in progress. I'm also eye-balling Jamberry, but I'm hesitant to do another DSA. I've heard good things about it from down-to-earth, practical people, so we'll see.
I think I have a good foundation set with these steps made. I can do this Life thing. Nut first, I need some sleep!
Sweet Dreams!
Friday, August 19, 2016
Tuesday, August 09, 2016
Maboroshi
August 9, 2016 - 13:03
Mood: A little scattered, but determined
Music: Sounds of Silence ~ Simon and Garfunkle
Thought of the Day: Take nothing for granted that brings you joy lest it prove to have been an illusion after all.
My mind is having trouble focusing on the task at hand, which is Math. My goal is to complete the unit and get the tests done today. I just have to watch my hours. I'm only allowed to work on it for 9 hours a week while I'm on medical leave. I'm also waiting for a friend to show up. Time unknown. Just "early afternoon". Which is fine. If it was nicer out, I'd probably be in the yard. But it's not as nice as I'd like and keep threatening to rain. The sky actually spit on me as I brought the garbage cans in! Talk about rude. ;)
The main reason behind my distracted thoughts lies in a revelation that shattered my world yesterday. I found myself to be the victim of an utter betrayal that I would have previously whole-heartedly denied with pure absolute faith, if not for the proof laid before my eyes. Solid, can't-deny-what's-been-placed-before-me proof. My heart just broke - old wounds and new bleeding enough to drown me. And, once again, I actually considered making everything better by killing myself.
Luckily, I tend to freeze in place when I'm surprised like that. "Deer in the headlights" reaction. I was able to take the time to breathe and think things out. I didn't waste too much time on the "why", I just started to put things into order and take some necessary action. An incredibly unusual action for me. I thought that I had left high school life far behind me, but it keeps finding me over and over again, no matter how often I try to deny it access. Today, I will not deny it. I'm going to put my former learning into practise.
Hello, Columbina. I have missed you so.
Too vague for you? No worries. It's necessary right now. It's just the way Columbina is. Don't worry, I have not gone crazy, nor have I developed multiple personalities. She's more of an alter-ego. I have a few of them. The privilege of being a writer. And right now they are all fairly angry on my behalf. So is my Grandmother. She's been keeping a close eye on me. (At least I think it's Grandma.)
Well, back to Math and waiting for Greywhistle. Best wishes to you all. Best wishes and ...
Sweet Dreams
Mood: A little scattered, but determined
Music: Sounds of Silence ~ Simon and Garfunkle
Thought of the Day: Take nothing for granted that brings you joy lest it prove to have been an illusion after all.
My mind is having trouble focusing on the task at hand, which is Math. My goal is to complete the unit and get the tests done today. I just have to watch my hours. I'm only allowed to work on it for 9 hours a week while I'm on medical leave. I'm also waiting for a friend to show up. Time unknown. Just "early afternoon". Which is fine. If it was nicer out, I'd probably be in the yard. But it's not as nice as I'd like and keep threatening to rain. The sky actually spit on me as I brought the garbage cans in! Talk about rude. ;)
The main reason behind my distracted thoughts lies in a revelation that shattered my world yesterday. I found myself to be the victim of an utter betrayal that I would have previously whole-heartedly denied with pure absolute faith, if not for the proof laid before my eyes. Solid, can't-deny-what's-been-placed-before-me proof. My heart just broke - old wounds and new bleeding enough to drown me. And, once again, I actually considered making everything better by killing myself.
Luckily, I tend to freeze in place when I'm surprised like that. "Deer in the headlights" reaction. I was able to take the time to breathe and think things out. I didn't waste too much time on the "why", I just started to put things into order and take some necessary action. An incredibly unusual action for me. I thought that I had left high school life far behind me, but it keeps finding me over and over again, no matter how often I try to deny it access. Today, I will not deny it. I'm going to put my former learning into practise.
Hello, Columbina. I have missed you so.
Too vague for you? No worries. It's necessary right now. It's just the way Columbina is. Don't worry, I have not gone crazy, nor have I developed multiple personalities. She's more of an alter-ego. I have a few of them. The privilege of being a writer. And right now they are all fairly angry on my behalf. So is my Grandmother. She's been keeping a close eye on me. (At least I think it's Grandma.)
Well, back to Math and waiting for Greywhistle. Best wishes to you all. Best wishes and ...
Sweet Dreams
Monday, August 01, 2016
Finding Heart's Home
July 31, 2016 - 23:19
Mood: Serene (Believe it, or not)
Music: The Highwayman ~ Loreena McKennit
Thought of the Day: Every time you follow your Dreams, wonderful Realities will follow you! - old Ziggy cartoon
I like being on my own. There's a sweetness to the silence that can't be found anywhere else. A satisfaction like no other. But I don't like being "alone". There are times when I ache for arms willing to hold me as long as I need, or lips to tell me, by word or deed, how beautiful I am today, at this very moment - whether I am fresh out of the shower, or sweaty from yard work. I miss being told something sincerely. I miss being wanted. THAT makes me feel lonely more than being on my own ever will. Where are you, my lover? Will I ever know you again in this life? I don't want a life that doesn't have you in it. So I will keep looking. You are out there somewhere. I know you are. Are you looking for me? Please don't give up. I need you and I miss you.
Things with Tavis are better, but nowhere near what they had been. Sometimes I wonder if I should feel a bit used. But, no. that would only lead to bitterness and other negativity. Should I be grateful for what he tosses to me, like scraps from the table? No. Not that either. That's demeaning and bloody pitiful. I hope to simply be accepting of the new situation and move forward with life. We're all dealing with the newness of it all still. and it has led to some good things. For him. My good things can't be far behind, right? Right? It's hard not to feel like a spare, sometimes. He's making an effort and I appreciate it. Asking for more would be selfish. And it would only confirm certain impressions that are cropping up about me in the background. Allegations that, I'm pretty sure, he's not defending me from. *sigh* Such is my life. So repetitive. Trying to change that though. Moving forward is good. Forward. It's not a race track. I can turn any direction that I wish and take my time getting to my destination. In a Mona Torretto T-shirt. Heh.
I've finally given in and started taking the sleeping pills prescribed by my doctor. While speaking with the pharmacist, I discovered the sneaky bastard prescribed me sleeping pills that doubled as anti-depressants. The first night was scary. My body was dead weight, but I kept jerking awake in a panic. I felt a strong urge to move my arms and legs around frantically, but my body was heavy, and my eyes wanted to sleep. It was a long time before I actually went to sleep. Waking up was weird. I had trouble moving my body properly. Next night was easier. So was the next day. Crossing fingers for tonight and tomorrow. I'm on the road to recovery at last! Life is much easier when I'm not anxious. Funny how you don;t realise how bad you are until it starts to get better. Like when I first left Jade. It was months before I laughed out loud and I hadn't noticed until I actually did it. That was seven years ago. It's taken me this long to get where I am now. So sad. I was talking to one of his exes, and made a joke about suing him for damages, etc. She actually considered it. LOL! He's not worth the trouble. Really, he's not worth much of anything.
A house is not a home until the pictures are hung up, don't you think? Loving my bedroom the best right now. (Which is good, considering I'm learning to sleep again!) The office is almost done. Only a few pictures left to go.
Time for cookies. :)
Sweet Dreams!
Mood: Serene (Believe it, or not)
Music: The Highwayman ~ Loreena McKennit
Thought of the Day: Every time you follow your Dreams, wonderful Realities will follow you! - old Ziggy cartoon
I like being on my own. There's a sweetness to the silence that can't be found anywhere else. A satisfaction like no other. But I don't like being "alone". There are times when I ache for arms willing to hold me as long as I need, or lips to tell me, by word or deed, how beautiful I am today, at this very moment - whether I am fresh out of the shower, or sweaty from yard work. I miss being told something sincerely. I miss being wanted. THAT makes me feel lonely more than being on my own ever will. Where are you, my lover? Will I ever know you again in this life? I don't want a life that doesn't have you in it. So I will keep looking. You are out there somewhere. I know you are. Are you looking for me? Please don't give up. I need you and I miss you.
Things with Tavis are better, but nowhere near what they had been. Sometimes I wonder if I should feel a bit used. But, no. that would only lead to bitterness and other negativity. Should I be grateful for what he tosses to me, like scraps from the table? No. Not that either. That's demeaning and bloody pitiful. I hope to simply be accepting of the new situation and move forward with life. We're all dealing with the newness of it all still. and it has led to some good things. For him. My good things can't be far behind, right? Right? It's hard not to feel like a spare, sometimes. He's making an effort and I appreciate it. Asking for more would be selfish. And it would only confirm certain impressions that are cropping up about me in the background. Allegations that, I'm pretty sure, he's not defending me from. *sigh* Such is my life. So repetitive. Trying to change that though. Moving forward is good. Forward. It's not a race track. I can turn any direction that I wish and take my time getting to my destination. In a Mona Torretto T-shirt. Heh.
I've finally given in and started taking the sleeping pills prescribed by my doctor. While speaking with the pharmacist, I discovered the sneaky bastard prescribed me sleeping pills that doubled as anti-depressants. The first night was scary. My body was dead weight, but I kept jerking awake in a panic. I felt a strong urge to move my arms and legs around frantically, but my body was heavy, and my eyes wanted to sleep. It was a long time before I actually went to sleep. Waking up was weird. I had trouble moving my body properly. Next night was easier. So was the next day. Crossing fingers for tonight and tomorrow. I'm on the road to recovery at last! Life is much easier when I'm not anxious. Funny how you don;t realise how bad you are until it starts to get better. Like when I first left Jade. It was months before I laughed out loud and I hadn't noticed until I actually did it. That was seven years ago. It's taken me this long to get where I am now. So sad. I was talking to one of his exes, and made a joke about suing him for damages, etc. She actually considered it. LOL! He's not worth the trouble. Really, he's not worth much of anything.
A house is not a home until the pictures are hung up, don't you think? Loving my bedroom the best right now. (Which is good, considering I'm learning to sleep again!) The office is almost done. Only a few pictures left to go.
Time for cookies. :)
Sweet Dreams!
Wednesday, July 20, 2016
Broken Promises Made of Glass
Wednesday, July 20, 2016 - 07:15
Mood: Tense, yet determined. (Which explains why I'm awake so early.) Sad, reflective.
Music: Eye of the Tiger ~ Survivor
Thought of the Day: Laugh for thirty minutes a day, but maybe not all at once. Especially if nobody is laughing with you.
I think Facebook is robbing me of my writing. I really do. I get on the computer to write something, and end up on Facebook. Searching a news feed full of mocking memes, American politics, celebrity news and international tragedy in hopes of catching up with news about a friend or two. I only play one game on Facebook, but it requires a bit of time to play. Suddenly, it's three hours later. No writing has been completed. No memory of what I wanted to say exists. Facebook is like mind bleach, but it leaves less than pure white results. Ever used too much bleach on something? Yeah, like that. Once upon a time, we said the same thing about kids and too much TV. Ah, the good ol' days.
I've been on Medical leave since early April. My job refused to give me STD benefit and decided to lay me off instead. I'd been with them for about six months.
So, my last post was strong and positive. As I re-read it, I could feel the positivity and conviction. The strength. I was on the right path at last, and I had backup. Support. Somebody who would help me break the cycle. He promised.
Apparently, I have yet to learn the lesson that promises are made to be broken. My parabatai has found a girlfriend. He recently celebrated two months with her, despite her putting him through the wringer twice with inexplicable tantrums. For once I wasn't worried that I would be dropped as no longer necessary. I was firm in my belief that he meant it when he said that we were a package deal and he wouldn't date a girl who couldn't accept that. He spent the first three weeks seeing her a couple nights a week. He went to Jiu jitsu four to five nights a week. Insert girlfriend's out of the blue tantrum #1. (She bitched him out by text and blocked him on Facebook.) He started to see her three to four nights a week, including her son's soccer games. He started to spend the night. He went to Jiu jitsu less. Meanwhile, I had agreed to sell my mother's car for her. Tavis said he'd assist for safety. (All those kijiji murder stories, you know.) He also knows more about cars than I do. Well, somebody called and was interested in the car. I was expecting him home that afternoon, so I set up a time. I let Mom know and went to start the car. Horrors - it wouldn't start. I panicked and called Tavis. I needed his help. He said he'd arrive shortly. What he didn't tell me was that he was out with his girlfriend and her children at Family Day on the base. He invited me to go back with him, but the sale was taking too long, so he left without me. He took our dog instead. Insert tantrum #2. She'd demanded that he DTR with me. I was insulted - we were best friends and family. (He confirmed this.) Asking us to define the relationship was as stupid as asking him and his army buddy to define theirs, or him and his cousin to define theirs. I pointed out that her fit was simply because I was a female. He started spending every possible spare moment with her. Jiu jitsu happened once or twice a week and he went over after. On a "school night". He frequently came home about midnight or so. Just to throw some perspective out there, we live 30 minutes north of Edmonton. Jiu jitsu is in West Edmonton. Girlfriend lives in north east corner. That's an awful lot of driving. He was also picking them up and driving to her son's soccer practise and games once or twice a week. He joined them at the family lake lot on weekends. He stopped talking to me except for brief small talk.
The only time he stayed at home was when she went out of town, or went for a girl's night out. I'm a firm believer in personal time, so I didn't try to invade his space. The last time she went out of town, he promised to spend the weekend with me. He spent Friday and Saturday watching sports. I have no patience for the hockey draft, so I didn't see him much. Saturday night, I tried to talk with him to let him know how I was feeling (a little abandoned) and asking for a bit of his time on Sunday to do something together like we used to. He was also going to have brunch with Mom and I to celebrate her birthday. I requested that the visit with Mom be girlfriend free. I go out of my way not to text him while he's with her, so I didn't think asking him to go a couple hours without talking to her was too much to ask. It was the only time I've ever asked him for something like that. I wanted him to focus on the visit. He promised. He dropped Mom and I off at the door and parked the truck. He texted her while he was in the truck. I knew because it took him 10 minutes to park the truck. His coffee made it to the table before he did, We placed our orders at last. A few minutes later, he's in the bathroom with his phone. I was a bit surprised. Even Mom remarked on it. He NEVER goes to the bathroom while we are out for a meal. He was miserable for the entire meal. Mom asked him about it. He said he was just tired.
We dropped Mom off in the city immediately after brunch. She didn't want to visit while Tavis was miserable. We went home and he went downstairs to lie down. I looked forward to watching a few shows with him that evening. Less than an hour later, he was changed and chipper. Nap? No. Girlfriend was back in town and wanted to watch a movie. So much for spending the weekend with me. I pointed out that he had promised me some time. He squirmed and said the movie invite was a last minute plan. I obviously wasn't invited. And he obviously was dying to see her. Nothing else mattered. I called him on the texting during Mom's birthday brunch. He didn't deny it. I waved him off, but let him know that I was angry. That was about 17:00 hrs. He came home after 01:00 and asked if I wanted to watch TV with him. I exploded. He just took it. No defence. No explanation. Nothing on his end. I asked if I was his best friend or his hired help. He insisted that I am his best friend.
I want to point out that I've been very supportive of his relationship with his girlfriend. I had resigned myself to being a spare tire once again. I allowed him to use the word "sister" when things were getting rocky. A dreaded word, and he knew it. I did my best to be fair about the situation. When she had her tantrums and broke up with him I encouraged him to not give up and fight for it if she was what he wanted. After tantrum 2 she finally agreed to meet with me. I had been encouraging this for weeks now because she obviously had this image of me that was freaking her out. (Apparently, she calmed right down after that.) When he broke promises, long-standing or otherwise, I never shoved them in his face and demanded that he keep them. I reminded him that he made them and let him make his own choices. I thought that things were okay.
I was wrong.
They are currently visiting his mother out of province. Before he left, he told me that his girlfriend (and probably her mother) accused me of being controlling. It was obvious to me by the way he said it that he hadn't defended me when it was said. I was stunned. This man who said I was his best friend, his family, and for whom I was trying to be 100% fair and supportive, was treating me like an ex-girlfriend. We've never had that kind of relationship. Quite frankly, he claims that he's not having sex with his girlfriend yet either. (Not sure how you can be that addicted to your girlfriend without sex involved, but then a lot of what society does confuses me.) Controlling? I have two people in my life. I was desperately trying not to lose one of them, but I've never tried to be controlling. I wouldn't know how. All I've asked from him is a bit of fairness. According to my best friend, the only way he can find time to spend with me is to give up jiu jitsu. My jaw dropped. He refused to give up a bit of time with his girlfriend, even if it was a few hours every couple of weeks. I pointed out that he spent so much time with her that he didn't live at home anymore. He only came home to change clothes and do some laundry. I asked him when he had last eaten a meal with me. He couldn't remember.
How can I fight to keep somebody in my life when they are struggling so hard to leave it? Every male in my life has walked out of my life. Usually because of a woman. (Actually, I can't think of another example.) He's telling everybody that my anxieties are because of my Dad. I've never said that. Every woman in my life has betrayed me by talking trash about me behind my back, causing lots of problems/drama. Those that didn't cause the trouble just stood by and let it happen. A few have simply walked away and happily forgotten about me. I let one come back. So, yeah, I have some trust issues. I spent most of my life alone, so I don't think the way others do, so I frequently don't understand things that everybody else understands. I have trouble fitting in.
He promised to protect me.
He promised he'd never leave me.
He promised that even if he got a girlfriend, we were a package deal. (I was skeptical, but he insisted.) I would always be a part of his life.
He said he cared for me very much and that he would never, ever hurt me.
He said I was Family. He even learned to call me 'sister' in Japanese.
He said he trusted me so much that he wanted to go into business with me as a partner. (He's currently trying to buy a house that I haven't seen, wasn't involved in choosing, and he offered to HIRE ME to be his property manager. Realtor is the girlfriend's mother.)
He's given up telling me that I am beautiful, because he said it's too much of a bother if I wasn't going to believe him. I told him that I was much better about it than I was when I first moved in and asked him not to give up on me. He still doesn't say it. He doesn't surprise me with flowers any more either. For my birthday, he bought me a shirt. Size 3x. I wear a medium/large. He blamed it on my large breasts. Was he trying to hide them??
I've spent most of the last month crying, depressed, and lonely. He not only broke each promise, he acted like he resented them. All I've asked for was honesty. I can't even get that. He's too busy with his girlfriend. Apparently, they talk about me often. I have no idea what he's saying about me, but i think he's mixing up my details with his own. I have never been presented to her family as part of his family. He's never apologised for breaking his promises or my heart.
He promised to spend time with me when he got back from his mother's because after spending over a week together, they'd probably be sick of each other. I'm not holding my breath for that one. He goes on course in the Fall, and then to Europe in the Spring. That'll be the true test for them. I wish them luck. I really do.
When he left to visit his mother, it was a relief. A lot of my tension went away, and I was able to smile and laugh again. It occurred to me that I had been reflecting a lot of his own tension while he was home. (Being an Empath is fun, they said!) I came to terms with things inside of myself. I put the wall back up. I refused to be bitter. I'm accepting the pain and dealing with it as best I can. I'm moving forward on my own again. I have a path ahead of me, even if it feels like a crumbly goat trail beneath me at times. I'm still moving forward. I start a course next week, and I plan on going through EI to go to GMU for a program that should see me start a new career. Something that should have happened with that CDI joke of a "college". Better late than never, I guess. Still paying for it, but there you go.
It rained this morning. Yard work is currently on hold :( so I will focus on house work today. Looking forward to a sunny afternoon and a good walk with the dog. I'm losing weight!! Even my lying scale says so! Ha ha! Maybe I'll complete the one yard project and plan the next.
Thanks for listening.
Sweet Dreams!
Mood: Tense, yet determined. (Which explains why I'm awake so early.) Sad, reflective.
Music: Eye of the Tiger ~ Survivor
Thought of the Day: Laugh for thirty minutes a day, but maybe not all at once. Especially if nobody is laughing with you.
I think Facebook is robbing me of my writing. I really do. I get on the computer to write something, and end up on Facebook. Searching a news feed full of mocking memes, American politics, celebrity news and international tragedy in hopes of catching up with news about a friend or two. I only play one game on Facebook, but it requires a bit of time to play. Suddenly, it's three hours later. No writing has been completed. No memory of what I wanted to say exists. Facebook is like mind bleach, but it leaves less than pure white results. Ever used too much bleach on something? Yeah, like that. Once upon a time, we said the same thing about kids and too much TV. Ah, the good ol' days.
I've been on Medical leave since early April. My job refused to give me STD benefit and decided to lay me off instead. I'd been with them for about six months.
So, my last post was strong and positive. As I re-read it, I could feel the positivity and conviction. The strength. I was on the right path at last, and I had backup. Support. Somebody who would help me break the cycle. He promised.
Apparently, I have yet to learn the lesson that promises are made to be broken. My parabatai has found a girlfriend. He recently celebrated two months with her, despite her putting him through the wringer twice with inexplicable tantrums. For once I wasn't worried that I would be dropped as no longer necessary. I was firm in my belief that he meant it when he said that we were a package deal and he wouldn't date a girl who couldn't accept that. He spent the first three weeks seeing her a couple nights a week. He went to Jiu jitsu four to five nights a week. Insert girlfriend's out of the blue tantrum #1. (She bitched him out by text and blocked him on Facebook.) He started to see her three to four nights a week, including her son's soccer games. He started to spend the night. He went to Jiu jitsu less. Meanwhile, I had agreed to sell my mother's car for her. Tavis said he'd assist for safety. (All those kijiji murder stories, you know.) He also knows more about cars than I do. Well, somebody called and was interested in the car. I was expecting him home that afternoon, so I set up a time. I let Mom know and went to start the car. Horrors - it wouldn't start. I panicked and called Tavis. I needed his help. He said he'd arrive shortly. What he didn't tell me was that he was out with his girlfriend and her children at Family Day on the base. He invited me to go back with him, but the sale was taking too long, so he left without me. He took our dog instead. Insert tantrum #2. She'd demanded that he DTR with me. I was insulted - we were best friends and family. (He confirmed this.) Asking us to define the relationship was as stupid as asking him and his army buddy to define theirs, or him and his cousin to define theirs. I pointed out that her fit was simply because I was a female. He started spending every possible spare moment with her. Jiu jitsu happened once or twice a week and he went over after. On a "school night". He frequently came home about midnight or so. Just to throw some perspective out there, we live 30 minutes north of Edmonton. Jiu jitsu is in West Edmonton. Girlfriend lives in north east corner. That's an awful lot of driving. He was also picking them up and driving to her son's soccer practise and games once or twice a week. He joined them at the family lake lot on weekends. He stopped talking to me except for brief small talk.
The only time he stayed at home was when she went out of town, or went for a girl's night out. I'm a firm believer in personal time, so I didn't try to invade his space. The last time she went out of town, he promised to spend the weekend with me. He spent Friday and Saturday watching sports. I have no patience for the hockey draft, so I didn't see him much. Saturday night, I tried to talk with him to let him know how I was feeling (a little abandoned) and asking for a bit of his time on Sunday to do something together like we used to. He was also going to have brunch with Mom and I to celebrate her birthday. I requested that the visit with Mom be girlfriend free. I go out of my way not to text him while he's with her, so I didn't think asking him to go a couple hours without talking to her was too much to ask. It was the only time I've ever asked him for something like that. I wanted him to focus on the visit. He promised. He dropped Mom and I off at the door and parked the truck. He texted her while he was in the truck. I knew because it took him 10 minutes to park the truck. His coffee made it to the table before he did, We placed our orders at last. A few minutes later, he's in the bathroom with his phone. I was a bit surprised. Even Mom remarked on it. He NEVER goes to the bathroom while we are out for a meal. He was miserable for the entire meal. Mom asked him about it. He said he was just tired.
We dropped Mom off in the city immediately after brunch. She didn't want to visit while Tavis was miserable. We went home and he went downstairs to lie down. I looked forward to watching a few shows with him that evening. Less than an hour later, he was changed and chipper. Nap? No. Girlfriend was back in town and wanted to watch a movie. So much for spending the weekend with me. I pointed out that he had promised me some time. He squirmed and said the movie invite was a last minute plan. I obviously wasn't invited. And he obviously was dying to see her. Nothing else mattered. I called him on the texting during Mom's birthday brunch. He didn't deny it. I waved him off, but let him know that I was angry. That was about 17:00 hrs. He came home after 01:00 and asked if I wanted to watch TV with him. I exploded. He just took it. No defence. No explanation. Nothing on his end. I asked if I was his best friend or his hired help. He insisted that I am his best friend.
I want to point out that I've been very supportive of his relationship with his girlfriend. I had resigned myself to being a spare tire once again. I allowed him to use the word "sister" when things were getting rocky. A dreaded word, and he knew it. I did my best to be fair about the situation. When she had her tantrums and broke up with him I encouraged him to not give up and fight for it if she was what he wanted. After tantrum 2 she finally agreed to meet with me. I had been encouraging this for weeks now because she obviously had this image of me that was freaking her out. (Apparently, she calmed right down after that.) When he broke promises, long-standing or otherwise, I never shoved them in his face and demanded that he keep them. I reminded him that he made them and let him make his own choices. I thought that things were okay.
I was wrong.
They are currently visiting his mother out of province. Before he left, he told me that his girlfriend (and probably her mother) accused me of being controlling. It was obvious to me by the way he said it that he hadn't defended me when it was said. I was stunned. This man who said I was his best friend, his family, and for whom I was trying to be 100% fair and supportive, was treating me like an ex-girlfriend. We've never had that kind of relationship. Quite frankly, he claims that he's not having sex with his girlfriend yet either. (Not sure how you can be that addicted to your girlfriend without sex involved, but then a lot of what society does confuses me.) Controlling? I have two people in my life. I was desperately trying not to lose one of them, but I've never tried to be controlling. I wouldn't know how. All I've asked from him is a bit of fairness. According to my best friend, the only way he can find time to spend with me is to give up jiu jitsu. My jaw dropped. He refused to give up a bit of time with his girlfriend, even if it was a few hours every couple of weeks. I pointed out that he spent so much time with her that he didn't live at home anymore. He only came home to change clothes and do some laundry. I asked him when he had last eaten a meal with me. He couldn't remember.
How can I fight to keep somebody in my life when they are struggling so hard to leave it? Every male in my life has walked out of my life. Usually because of a woman. (Actually, I can't think of another example.) He's telling everybody that my anxieties are because of my Dad. I've never said that. Every woman in my life has betrayed me by talking trash about me behind my back, causing lots of problems/drama. Those that didn't cause the trouble just stood by and let it happen. A few have simply walked away and happily forgotten about me. I let one come back. So, yeah, I have some trust issues. I spent most of my life alone, so I don't think the way others do, so I frequently don't understand things that everybody else understands. I have trouble fitting in.
He promised to protect me.
He promised he'd never leave me.
He promised that even if he got a girlfriend, we were a package deal. (I was skeptical, but he insisted.) I would always be a part of his life.
He said he cared for me very much and that he would never, ever hurt me.
He said I was Family. He even learned to call me 'sister' in Japanese.
He said he trusted me so much that he wanted to go into business with me as a partner. (He's currently trying to buy a house that I haven't seen, wasn't involved in choosing, and he offered to HIRE ME to be his property manager. Realtor is the girlfriend's mother.)
He's given up telling me that I am beautiful, because he said it's too much of a bother if I wasn't going to believe him. I told him that I was much better about it than I was when I first moved in and asked him not to give up on me. He still doesn't say it. He doesn't surprise me with flowers any more either. For my birthday, he bought me a shirt. Size 3x. I wear a medium/large. He blamed it on my large breasts. Was he trying to hide them??
I've spent most of the last month crying, depressed, and lonely. He not only broke each promise, he acted like he resented them. All I've asked for was honesty. I can't even get that. He's too busy with his girlfriend. Apparently, they talk about me often. I have no idea what he's saying about me, but i think he's mixing up my details with his own. I have never been presented to her family as part of his family. He's never apologised for breaking his promises or my heart.
He promised to spend time with me when he got back from his mother's because after spending over a week together, they'd probably be sick of each other. I'm not holding my breath for that one. He goes on course in the Fall, and then to Europe in the Spring. That'll be the true test for them. I wish them luck. I really do.
When he left to visit his mother, it was a relief. A lot of my tension went away, and I was able to smile and laugh again. It occurred to me that I had been reflecting a lot of his own tension while he was home. (Being an Empath is fun, they said!) I came to terms with things inside of myself. I put the wall back up. I refused to be bitter. I'm accepting the pain and dealing with it as best I can. I'm moving forward on my own again. I have a path ahead of me, even if it feels like a crumbly goat trail beneath me at times. I'm still moving forward. I start a course next week, and I plan on going through EI to go to GMU for a program that should see me start a new career. Something that should have happened with that CDI joke of a "college". Better late than never, I guess. Still paying for it, but there you go.
It rained this morning. Yard work is currently on hold :( so I will focus on house work today. Looking forward to a sunny afternoon and a good walk with the dog. I'm losing weight!! Even my lying scale says so! Ha ha! Maybe I'll complete the one yard project and plan the next.
Thanks for listening.
Sweet Dreams!
Saturday, April 02, 2016
The Path
April 2, 2016 - 21:14
Mood: Tired, trapped, and a bit irritated, but trying not to be any of these things. You know?
Music: In the Air Tonight ~ Phil Collins
Thought of the Day: "You are terrifying, and strange, and beautiful; something not everyone knows how to love." - Warsan Shire
So, my ex-fiance has been making weak attempts at contacting me. He doesn't have my new phone number, so he can't text me. He sent me a note by e-mail that sounded pitiful. Saying that he didn't want to ruin my birthday by sending me a note on that day. Ridiculous logic. Also noted that he didn't actually say he hoped that I had a good birthday. No good wishes. No conversation. Just a plea to speak to him. Even if it was just to tell him to "f**k off". Um, no. It occurred to me that he might have thought I changed my number to get rid of him. I hadn't, but it was a relaxing side effect. I made the decision not to answer the e-mail.
Within the month, I was miraculously able to see him on Facebook. Looks like he unblocked me at last to try and check up on me. I actually snorted in derision when I saw that. Which was interesting, because I thought that only happened in books.
Months went by - I though he had given up at last, and distracted himself with his harem once again. Then he posts that comment on the last entry. I recognised it immediately. He's used that line on me before. Word for bloody word. I felt cold as I stared at it. It made me finally realise that most of my memories of him were sullied by all the lies he told. The ones that I knew were lies as he uttered them. The ones that I discovered were lies after. The ones that I wondered if they were actually lies or not. His life with me had been built on lies. Lies that his parents helped him cover up. Repeatedly. Consistently. Those lies that led me on a spiralling path until I was a thread away from suicide as he got bored of me and stopped making any attempt to hide it. He is poisonous. He says anything he can, no matter what it is that he has to say, in order to keep his dick wet. I mean it. He'll say anything. He's sick, and he's not getting the help that he needs. I did try, long ago.
He was once told by an old friend that I was the best thing that ever happened to him. I made him better. This old friend was a girl that he was cheating on me with, so that could be taken a couple of ways, but I like to think positive.
It's easier to think positive of myself now. I have a best friend who loves me dearly. He's doing his best to help me regain the person that I should be. He thinks that I am beautiful, and talented. He loves my cooking. He goes out of his way to do little things to make me happy. He's supportive and refuses to allow negativity. I like to think that I've been there for him too. We make a good team. When he says that he loves me, he really means it. I realised today that I even had a word for the relationship that we share. "Parabatai". I honestly can't think of a better word. It rather settles our relationship in my mind. It's just so perfect.
My ex-fiance stole things from me that I can't ever get back. Time. A great deal of it. Dreams. Most of them. Some of it, I'm fighting to reclaim. I'm trying to trust people again. I'm trying to find my place in life, because simply existing isn't good enough. I have a lovely home. I have a good friend who lives in it with me. I have 3 fur-babies. I have a good paying job. I have a beautiful new car. I am writing again. I am eating healthy, liking it, and losing weight. Slowly, but that's okay. I am creating jewellery. I am accomplishing things. I'm slowly peeling away what I don't need and getting rid of it. Each of these makes me feel lighter. Happier. I can't say the same thing about my ex-fiance. And he's lost any hope of chances to show that he could. I once thought we could be friends, but that didn't pan out. Difficult to claim a platonic friendship when I'm just being used to keep his dick wet. I'm worth much more than a quick f**k, thank you. Selfish bastard.
Am I better for this life experience? I think I could have done very well without it. It's created limitations for me that I will have to work hard to break. Some may never go away. But I will find ways to be happy. Every day I find reasons to smile. Every day I find a reason to become stronger.
I will continue on this Path, and I will do more than survive. I will learn to Live.
Sweet Dreams!
Mood: Tired, trapped, and a bit irritated, but trying not to be any of these things. You know?
Music: In the Air Tonight ~ Phil Collins
Thought of the Day: "You are terrifying, and strange, and beautiful; something not everyone knows how to love." - Warsan Shire
So, my ex-fiance has been making weak attempts at contacting me. He doesn't have my new phone number, so he can't text me. He sent me a note by e-mail that sounded pitiful. Saying that he didn't want to ruin my birthday by sending me a note on that day. Ridiculous logic. Also noted that he didn't actually say he hoped that I had a good birthday. No good wishes. No conversation. Just a plea to speak to him. Even if it was just to tell him to "f**k off". Um, no. It occurred to me that he might have thought I changed my number to get rid of him. I hadn't, but it was a relaxing side effect. I made the decision not to answer the e-mail.
Within the month, I was miraculously able to see him on Facebook. Looks like he unblocked me at last to try and check up on me. I actually snorted in derision when I saw that. Which was interesting, because I thought that only happened in books.
Months went by - I though he had given up at last, and distracted himself with his harem once again. Then he posts that comment on the last entry. I recognised it immediately. He's used that line on me before. Word for bloody word. I felt cold as I stared at it. It made me finally realise that most of my memories of him were sullied by all the lies he told. The ones that I knew were lies as he uttered them. The ones that I discovered were lies after. The ones that I wondered if they were actually lies or not. His life with me had been built on lies. Lies that his parents helped him cover up. Repeatedly. Consistently. Those lies that led me on a spiralling path until I was a thread away from suicide as he got bored of me and stopped making any attempt to hide it. He is poisonous. He says anything he can, no matter what it is that he has to say, in order to keep his dick wet. I mean it. He'll say anything. He's sick, and he's not getting the help that he needs. I did try, long ago.
He was once told by an old friend that I was the best thing that ever happened to him. I made him better. This old friend was a girl that he was cheating on me with, so that could be taken a couple of ways, but I like to think positive.
It's easier to think positive of myself now. I have a best friend who loves me dearly. He's doing his best to help me regain the person that I should be. He thinks that I am beautiful, and talented. He loves my cooking. He goes out of his way to do little things to make me happy. He's supportive and refuses to allow negativity. I like to think that I've been there for him too. We make a good team. When he says that he loves me, he really means it. I realised today that I even had a word for the relationship that we share. "Parabatai". I honestly can't think of a better word. It rather settles our relationship in my mind. It's just so perfect.
My ex-fiance stole things from me that I can't ever get back. Time. A great deal of it. Dreams. Most of them. Some of it, I'm fighting to reclaim. I'm trying to trust people again. I'm trying to find my place in life, because simply existing isn't good enough. I have a lovely home. I have a good friend who lives in it with me. I have 3 fur-babies. I have a good paying job. I have a beautiful new car. I am writing again. I am eating healthy, liking it, and losing weight. Slowly, but that's okay. I am creating jewellery. I am accomplishing things. I'm slowly peeling away what I don't need and getting rid of it. Each of these makes me feel lighter. Happier. I can't say the same thing about my ex-fiance. And he's lost any hope of chances to show that he could. I once thought we could be friends, but that didn't pan out. Difficult to claim a platonic friendship when I'm just being used to keep his dick wet. I'm worth much more than a quick f**k, thank you. Selfish bastard.
Am I better for this life experience? I think I could have done very well without it. It's created limitations for me that I will have to work hard to break. Some may never go away. But I will find ways to be happy. Every day I find reasons to smile. Every day I find a reason to become stronger.
I will continue on this Path, and I will do more than survive. I will learn to Live.
Sweet Dreams!
Saturday, February 27, 2016
Stepping Forward On My Own, In Time To The Music
February 27, 2016 - 17:38
Mood: Restless and Apathetic. A difficult combo.
Music: Can't Fight the Moonlight ~ Leann Rimes
Thought of the Day: You raised me up on this pedestal, praising my worthiness to be there, and then slowly abandoned me on it. I wonder if this is how my collector statues feel while on display, except that nobody is looking at them.
They say that the more things change, the more they stay the same. Looking around at my office, I agree. I keep organising it, creating space and practical function, but really, I'm just shifting things around and finding more creative ways to store them. Oh, sure, there's the odd bit that I'll get rid of - I'm trying to think "garage sale stuff" as we speak - but I'm not kidding myself. I have a lot of things. I'm determined to go on a cleaning rampage this Spring. There are items from my Father that can go into storage, or a deposit box or something. (Probably storage.) I really need to throw out some of my binders. I've got binders in here that I've had since high school. I really don't need them, but they are still in good condition. Isn't that how the madness begins?
Still, I'm making small inroads into the clutter, which is the true intention. Now if only I could get the clutter out of my head! Work clutter, tax clutter, family clutter, and relationship clutter. Clutter, clutter, clutter. *sigh* Perhaps a vacation is highly in order. But where can I go? I'm learning to do things on my own, but that's not always smart in some places. well, I'll think of something. Some places are safer than others.
Happier news this week was that I had to weigh myself for the first time in about a month. Let me back up a moment here. I had been liking what I saw in the mirror and feeling good about myself. Until I stepped on the scale and the numbers were offensive to my pride. The numbers I saw on the scale made me feel bad, and I knew that I ad to do something about it. So I took the batteries out of the scale. I immediately felt better, and I've been feeling good about myself and the me I see in the mirror since. I had to give my weight for insurance purposes though ... and happily discovered that I had lost 15 pounds. That made me feel all kinds of awesome. Even if I was the only one that noticed. Ah, well. Tavis usually notices before I do, but he's been pretty preoccupied lately and I've been leaving him to himself. I think he has a new girl he's getting ready to friend zone.
Okay, that was a bit bitter. Just a little. Certainly that's nothing I'd actually say to his face. Tavis would be stung with the observation. Even if it's true. It's been such a long time since he was with a woman, a girlfriend, that I think he's afraid to make that step. He's got his own problems to discover and work through. I once accused him of being afraid of me, and he was insulted. Fear was the wrong emotion, but I was not editing my conversation at the time. I can do that with Tavis. Maybe not when I'm talking about him, though. LOL!
Job is going okay. Money is doing okay. I'm planning the garden and the flower beds already. I'm checking prices for rototillers, because I'm determined to have one at last. (Always need one, it seems and can never find anybody who will lend me one.) The next big purchase will be a vehicle, and then Mom can have her car back.
Meanwhile I have to get back to work on my office decon/reconstruction. :) Leaving it halfway done doesn't solve the problem. and I enjoy the activity. It's focused and yet mindless all at once. Which is strangely soothing to me. Calming, and yet offers the reward of satisfaction of accomplishment. Maybe I'll finish the bedroom tonight too. Maybe to the rhythm of music. Maybe.
Sweet Dreams!
Mood: Restless and Apathetic. A difficult combo.
Music: Can't Fight the Moonlight ~ Leann Rimes
Thought of the Day: You raised me up on this pedestal, praising my worthiness to be there, and then slowly abandoned me on it. I wonder if this is how my collector statues feel while on display, except that nobody is looking at them.
They say that the more things change, the more they stay the same. Looking around at my office, I agree. I keep organising it, creating space and practical function, but really, I'm just shifting things around and finding more creative ways to store them. Oh, sure, there's the odd bit that I'll get rid of - I'm trying to think "garage sale stuff" as we speak - but I'm not kidding myself. I have a lot of things. I'm determined to go on a cleaning rampage this Spring. There are items from my Father that can go into storage, or a deposit box or something. (Probably storage.) I really need to throw out some of my binders. I've got binders in here that I've had since high school. I really don't need them, but they are still in good condition. Isn't that how the madness begins?
Still, I'm making small inroads into the clutter, which is the true intention. Now if only I could get the clutter out of my head! Work clutter, tax clutter, family clutter, and relationship clutter. Clutter, clutter, clutter. *sigh* Perhaps a vacation is highly in order. But where can I go? I'm learning to do things on my own, but that's not always smart in some places. well, I'll think of something. Some places are safer than others.
Happier news this week was that I had to weigh myself for the first time in about a month. Let me back up a moment here. I had been liking what I saw in the mirror and feeling good about myself. Until I stepped on the scale and the numbers were offensive to my pride. The numbers I saw on the scale made me feel bad, and I knew that I ad to do something about it. So I took the batteries out of the scale. I immediately felt better, and I've been feeling good about myself and the me I see in the mirror since. I had to give my weight for insurance purposes though ... and happily discovered that I had lost 15 pounds. That made me feel all kinds of awesome. Even if I was the only one that noticed. Ah, well. Tavis usually notices before I do, but he's been pretty preoccupied lately and I've been leaving him to himself. I think he has a new girl he's getting ready to friend zone.
Okay, that was a bit bitter. Just a little. Certainly that's nothing I'd actually say to his face. Tavis would be stung with the observation. Even if it's true. It's been such a long time since he was with a woman, a girlfriend, that I think he's afraid to make that step. He's got his own problems to discover and work through. I once accused him of being afraid of me, and he was insulted. Fear was the wrong emotion, but I was not editing my conversation at the time. I can do that with Tavis. Maybe not when I'm talking about him, though. LOL!
Job is going okay. Money is doing okay. I'm planning the garden and the flower beds already. I'm checking prices for rototillers, because I'm determined to have one at last. (Always need one, it seems and can never find anybody who will lend me one.) The next big purchase will be a vehicle, and then Mom can have her car back.
Meanwhile I have to get back to work on my office decon/reconstruction. :) Leaving it halfway done doesn't solve the problem. and I enjoy the activity. It's focused and yet mindless all at once. Which is strangely soothing to me. Calming, and yet offers the reward of satisfaction of accomplishment. Maybe I'll finish the bedroom tonight too. Maybe to the rhythm of music. Maybe.
Sweet Dreams!
Sunday, February 21, 2016
Did You See Those Aliens? They Popped Out of the Snow Like Daisies!
February 20, 2016 - 23:30
Mood: Calm. Decidedly in need of a massage, but calm. :)
Music: Lullaby ~ Loreena McKennit (with Elliot Hayes)
Thought of the Day: If "Love" is such an overused word and has lost its true meaning, making it easier than ever to say, then why do men still have trouble saying it with any real meaning?
Well, I've put off my writing here for quite a while now. Not as bad as I have in the past, but, once again, I wanted to write, and didn't. Settling instead with making "entries" in my head. Writing inspiration down on scraps of paper. It's been a stressful few months. That new job I had told you about? well, I've still got it. I'm officially full time. And they still like what I do. In fact, they make sure to mention that I'm doing a good job. What impresses them? My need to be organised. Something nobody else has mentioned before, really. And I'm sitting in my office now instead of the reception desk, which is fantastic. I feel better. I love my office. It's just so ME. Like it was waiting and now it's very happy that I'm there. Earthy tones, and accents. the art work on the wall is hand drawn, witty aspects of Arthurian legends, Stonehenge, and Shakespeare. Same colour scheme, but with hints of blue. Natural light, but nothing blinding. Lots of space. It's just ... ME! I need to bring a few things to really personalise it, but seriously, I adore the space.
Other changes have happened since I last wrote. Tavis and I have adopted a dog. We named her after two of our favourite Firefly characters. Delightful Terrier X ... who adopted me as soon as she laid eyes on me. She was supposed to be Tavis's more than mine, but apparently nobody told her the plan. She hasn't had an easy life, it's obvious to any who watches her, and she's not even two yet. I've hung her moon, she says. I try to live up to that for her. Much to Ty's disgust. And, even crazier, Cleo plays with her. CLEO. I think I hear a turtle singing.
So ... that's pretty much what has been going on with me. Busy, busy with work and the dog, and trying to keep up with my Guild duties (I've been promoted to Deputy), and still finding some quiet time to rest and recharge. Finding ways to keep Mom occupied without biting her head off. Getting my bills paid. Almost finished paying off the second credit card, got a good starting dent happening on the third, and paying off my student loans too. Somewhere in the budget, I have to find the space to get myself a car soon. My first car. I've waited long enough for it, I think. I over pay both phone bills and my tab at HH. My line of credit is S L O W L Y seeing some reduction. I'm not quite living pay cheque to pay cheque any more, though I haven't relaxed much about finds yet. I'm eating better. My mirrors all agree that I'm looking better. I'm actually feeling happy, dammit. I haven't accomplished everything yet, but dammit, I'm happy with where I am right now.
As much as I want some things ... children, love life, sex life ... I'm also afraid of the changes they are sure to bring with them. Energy-wise I feel spread quite thin. Especially right now, with Tavis away from home on course. All part of being an introvert, I guess. There was one week where Tavis was away on his course, and Mom had gone out of town to visit, and I had the place to myself. I had been a bit worried about handling everything on my own, but I did better on my own than I do with Mom here. I was happy, RELAXED, and had everything under control. I had a schedule that made all the fur-babies happy. And it all went to pot when Mom came home. Heck, we hadn't even left the city yet and my good mood was gone. Tavis was good enough to run interference for me. He reads me better than she does by far. Heck, he reads me better than Jade ever did.
Mom is trying to find a place to live. A task made more difficult by her meager income. She relies on her pension and has little to no savings. When she does manage to save something, she quickly spends it. She found an affordable place but it has a long waiting list, and the waiting is wearing on her. Typically she's starting to get restless, panic and doubt. She's starting to think about the costs involved with the move. On the bright side, she's calling friends and keeping in touch with them. So, things are improving there too. We'll see.
Dreaming of spring ... and sex. Fine, I'm always wanting sex. Sue me. It's been a long time. Somebody once advised me to get Tavis liquored up and take advantage of him, but even if I sometimes wish I could, I'd never do it. For one, I have better ethics than that. For another, I'm a beautiful woman. I shouldn't have to resort to tactics like that. I get all the hugs i need and more ... but I do miss kissing. *sigh*
Sweet Dreams!
Mood: Calm. Decidedly in need of a massage, but calm. :)
Music: Lullaby ~ Loreena McKennit (with Elliot Hayes)
Thought of the Day: If "Love" is such an overused word and has lost its true meaning, making it easier than ever to say, then why do men still have trouble saying it with any real meaning?
Well, I've put off my writing here for quite a while now. Not as bad as I have in the past, but, once again, I wanted to write, and didn't. Settling instead with making "entries" in my head. Writing inspiration down on scraps of paper. It's been a stressful few months. That new job I had told you about? well, I've still got it. I'm officially full time. And they still like what I do. In fact, they make sure to mention that I'm doing a good job. What impresses them? My need to be organised. Something nobody else has mentioned before, really. And I'm sitting in my office now instead of the reception desk, which is fantastic. I feel better. I love my office. It's just so ME. Like it was waiting and now it's very happy that I'm there. Earthy tones, and accents. the art work on the wall is hand drawn, witty aspects of Arthurian legends, Stonehenge, and Shakespeare. Same colour scheme, but with hints of blue. Natural light, but nothing blinding. Lots of space. It's just ... ME! I need to bring a few things to really personalise it, but seriously, I adore the space.
Other changes have happened since I last wrote. Tavis and I have adopted a dog. We named her after two of our favourite Firefly characters. Delightful Terrier X ... who adopted me as soon as she laid eyes on me. She was supposed to be Tavis's more than mine, but apparently nobody told her the plan. She hasn't had an easy life, it's obvious to any who watches her, and she's not even two yet. I've hung her moon, she says. I try to live up to that for her. Much to Ty's disgust. And, even crazier, Cleo plays with her. CLEO. I think I hear a turtle singing.
So ... that's pretty much what has been going on with me. Busy, busy with work and the dog, and trying to keep up with my Guild duties (I've been promoted to Deputy), and still finding some quiet time to rest and recharge. Finding ways to keep Mom occupied without biting her head off. Getting my bills paid. Almost finished paying off the second credit card, got a good starting dent happening on the third, and paying off my student loans too. Somewhere in the budget, I have to find the space to get myself a car soon. My first car. I've waited long enough for it, I think. I over pay both phone bills and my tab at HH. My line of credit is S L O W L Y seeing some reduction. I'm not quite living pay cheque to pay cheque any more, though I haven't relaxed much about finds yet. I'm eating better. My mirrors all agree that I'm looking better. I'm actually feeling happy, dammit. I haven't accomplished everything yet, but dammit, I'm happy with where I am right now.
As much as I want some things ... children, love life, sex life ... I'm also afraid of the changes they are sure to bring with them. Energy-wise I feel spread quite thin. Especially right now, with Tavis away from home on course. All part of being an introvert, I guess. There was one week where Tavis was away on his course, and Mom had gone out of town to visit, and I had the place to myself. I had been a bit worried about handling everything on my own, but I did better on my own than I do with Mom here. I was happy, RELAXED, and had everything under control. I had a schedule that made all the fur-babies happy. And it all went to pot when Mom came home. Heck, we hadn't even left the city yet and my good mood was gone. Tavis was good enough to run interference for me. He reads me better than she does by far. Heck, he reads me better than Jade ever did.
Mom is trying to find a place to live. A task made more difficult by her meager income. She relies on her pension and has little to no savings. When she does manage to save something, she quickly spends it. She found an affordable place but it has a long waiting list, and the waiting is wearing on her. Typically she's starting to get restless, panic and doubt. She's starting to think about the costs involved with the move. On the bright side, she's calling friends and keeping in touch with them. So, things are improving there too. We'll see.
Dreaming of spring ... and sex. Fine, I'm always wanting sex. Sue me. It's been a long time. Somebody once advised me to get Tavis liquored up and take advantage of him, but even if I sometimes wish I could, I'd never do it. For one, I have better ethics than that. For another, I'm a beautiful woman. I shouldn't have to resort to tactics like that. I get all the hugs i need and more ... but I do miss kissing. *sigh*
Sweet Dreams!
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