Beast's Beauty

November 15, 2009 - 12:00

Well, I'd better sit down and write something before somebody comes down here to make me do it.

... O.o! ... Wait ...

I haven't felt the need to type things out as keenly in the past couple of days, and I've slipped back into the habit of "writing" in my mental journal ... some of my best work gets lost that way. For example, I had a great line to open today with and I lost it even as I stated to write. I think it's time to bring out the scrap paper again. Only works in the house though.

The sudden need faded a bit after I wrote a hand written entry ... but not the usual kind. No, this was written in letter form ... written to him. The healing wasn't complete ... but the difference was immediate. I was calm again. Almost relaxed. It's amazing how badly I can need a body that doesn't want me at all. No, that's not true ... he wants me, he's just not willing to give up anything he has.

Well, there are further reasons ... deeper reasons ... but we're not going to go into that here.

There are so many different kinds of love ... so many varying degrees of it. Even 'like' is a form of love ... as is 'preference'. I wonder then ... would 'dislike' then be a form of hate? Perhaps ... yes, I think so. An acceptable level of it though ... redeemable.

That doesn't have so much to do with the conversation, but it popped into my head and I didn't want to lose it. Sometimes it feels like I'm thinking somebody else's words ... I don't like to lose them as they are sometimes important. Maybe not just to me?

It's been rather ugly here for the last 24 hours ... and yet, there is beauty even in the ugliness. One only has to take the time, make the effort, to see it. Just because it's not what you'd prefer, or thought you wanted, doesn't mean that it can't make you happy still ... or offer you a measure of peace in it's own way. I'm not just talking about silver linings either ... but this may be something that you have to discover for yourself, rather than be taught. There is a measure of belief involved, I think, more than knowledge.

My walks are starting to have their effect ... I think. I take the dog out 6 days a week for anywhere from half an hour to a full hour. In addition to this, last week, I walked a full hour to the shopping centre here ... wow ... what a workout. It was the hills that made it seem so much farther than it really was. That, and there not being a straight path to anything around here. I got a ride home, by lucky chance, and it took less than ten minutes to get me home. I think that I could do it again, but I'm going to be horribly tired when I get back (unless I luck into another ride!) We do have the car stops here ... I may depend on one on the way home ...

One of my cousins doesn't understand why I don't have a job yet. She thinks I should get one in Victoria, instead of trying to find one here. She thinks I should walk to the ferry everyday, walk on to the ferry and then ... what? The Victoria ferry doesn't actually land in Victoria, and it doesn't always go on a direct trip either ... and I'll need a bus ... then the work shift ... then I have to bus back to the ferry .... hope I get there in time for a ferry that will actually take me home ... only to have to face the walk back to the house. That's a whole lot of money and energy right there. One I don't have, and the other, I'm really not willing to spend so lavishly. Especially when I know I'll have a mess or two to clean up when I get home ...

No ... there's no way I'd get a job to make that worth the effort. Not for the temp time that I'll be here. Probably not even for a permanent stay either. Not without a vehicle. Nope. Too many times I've had to sacrifice, to put myself further into debt, in order to start making money for the paying of the debts. I know a losing streak when I see one. There has to be something that I can do here. There HAS to be.

Well, it's time to feed myself, and get some house work done ... and prep for tomorrow night. I hope I get to see some of the meteors ...

My thanks to Lavender for her supportive efforts, and to Jackie for her moral support and distractions.

I'm craving steak ...

Sweet Dreams!

PS. Lavender, I don't think that you are entirely correct in regards to my watcher. Difficult to describe. Will chat with you later about it. However, I feel sheltered, and welcome, when I'm there now. For that alone, I could be seduced ...