Send In the Clowns

December 29, 2011 - 23:20

Happy Birthday, Campbell ... It's been 17years and I still miss you. Love you lots. XOXO ...

Mood: Calm, but restless. On the verge of sad, but I've been fighting it off fairly well so far.
Music: Time After Time ~ Cyndi Lauper
Thought for the Day: No matter how prepared you think you are, there's always something you weren't expecting.

     I feel like I'm standing at a fork in the road, and don't know what direction I'm going in yet. At the same time, I'm restless about it because I want to hurry past this decision. I just want to get past it so that I can move forward! Mom is still talking about going back to BC. In fact, it looks like she'll have a place to stay. All she needs now is the job ... and the money to go. I had advised her to stay here for another year and save up the funds she needs instead of rushing back to BC on borrowed money. It was sensible advice and she was ready to take it, especially as she thinks she's leaving me in the lurch. Apparently, I'm not able to take care of myself. *rolls eyes*

     I got my friend back. Thank you, FB. Although I probably would have e-mailed her eventually, FB provided me with tid-bits ... bread crumbs ... shiny stones ... Reese's Pieces, even. Heyla, Lynne. I've miss you so much!

     It's nice to see that things seem to be going so well for her. Makes me feel like I have failed somehow, although I think I'm doing okay. some days I look at what my friends are doing and the things they are accomplishing for themselves and I feel like I'm just standing still. I know I'm not. I know I've accomplished many things and I'm in a decent place in life ... I just look at my friends and I see where I want to be. *sigh*

     Nothin' doin', hen ... that way madness lies. I'm not going down that depressing road. I know what I've accomplished, what I've done and where I'm going next. I'm going to just concentrate on that. I've got a place in this life ... I just have to decide what it is! Preferably before I die ...

Maybe I should make a Bucket List.

     Speaking of lists, I want to go over my resolutions for 2012. It seems like a cheat to just keep last year's list. I should have something new on there. Let's see ...


Resolutions for 2012

• Continue to upgrade my wardrobe. I plan on weeding out the older shirts, and replacing them with nicer tops. This upgrade will also include a nice place to store my jewellery. I can't keep my pendants on a horse shoe forever.
• Continue to build up my financial comfort. I have a solid plan in place. Work it! In addition, work on having a nest egg ready for emergencies/spontaneous vacation escapes.
• Continue to slim down and make smart meal choices. The challenge is that Mom isn't always on board.
• Still looking for a loving commitment.
• Happiness ... I think it's still waiting for me. I will find it.

What do I need to add? How about ...

• Working on improving my business so that it becomes a reliable source of income instead of just a draining hobby. This will mean working on my fears and expanding my comfort zone. If I can't do this, then I should decide that an put it firmly aside instead of "beating a dead horse".
• Learn something new ... even if it's just an upgrade.
• Use the new appointment calendar to learn to manage your time better.

     I like the last one. I've already given up those time sucking games on FB. It will take some getting used to, but I'm sure I'll find a way to fill the time with proper hobbies again. Writing is still a muse that calls to me, and my plastic canvas is patiently waiting. As are my books on how to crochet and knit. I've given up on cross stitch. I don't know that I'll ever learn. :) I should be back in school too (again) and learning something computer-ish. Problem is, I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.

     Anyway, I've got to go over my budget and plan on how to save every penny I've got coming in for the next month, because if Mom decides to actually go now, instead of next year, things are going to be tight. Not sure what I'm looking forward to ... the ability to save a nest egg for another year, or having my own space again.

OMG, Spot's nose is COLD!

So much going through my head right now ... it won't settle on anything. I keep finding it wandering ... only touching on things briefly. Well, if I can't focus, then I shall end the entry here. No point staring at it when somebody else could be reading it.

Hopefully, it will be better later.

Sweet Dreams!

Shades of Grey

(aka - The Aliens Have Blocked the Sun and Stolen the SNOW!!)
December 22, 2011 - 09:09 (Yes, you read that correctly.)

Mood: Recuperating, Restless
Music: Indiana Wants Me ~ R. Dean Taylor
Thought for the Day: You got to where you are because of decisions you made. If you don't like where you are, make better decisions.

Zodiac: The Moon enters your Zodiacal house of relationships today, Gemini, but that is only one of the many astrological events happening on this busy day. First of all, the Winter Solstice chart shows that this will be a complicated but happy season for you; be careful not to put too many irons in the fire or you'll get burned trying to handle them all. It's also important that you don't change any dates or appointments with your partner either; if something interferes with your quality time, make your partner your top priority.

Compatibility: Aries
Mood: Exhausted
Your Daily Lucky Color: Purple
Lucky Number: 25
Lucky Time of Day: 7pm

BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Make My partner my top priority ... Hmmm ... On one hand, that's like telling me to breathe. On the other, why am I the one doing all the work? When will I be the priority?

Don't get me wrong. I'm happy to do things for people. I like doing things for people, but I've been doing things for others without a break for a very long time now and I'd like to do a few things for myself for a little while. It's healthy, dammit. Of course, this won't really be achievable until I get my own place. (Make it easier to date too.) Mom's still trying to find a job and she's not thrilled about the idea of moving to a new place on her own. She keeps trying to convince me that everything will be easier with two of us. ... No. Not really. I actually find things more difficult. Sure the money's easier, and I have a car, but frankly, I'll take the trade. So, barring her finding a job somewhere else, I'm going to renew our current lease for one more year. (Which is also nice because address changes suck.)

Sounding a bit bitter today, I suppose. Trying to get over a sinus infection. Easier to call it a head cold, but I'm not sick. Somebody over-did it with the scented spray in the bathroom at work, and annoying as that was, the burning it caused my nose made for a fun evening. Tasted terrible too. I didn't think to much of it ... until I woke up the next morning with a sore throat and marathon nose. the throat, I was able to deal with, but the runny nose ... that took a bit more. Anyway, to spare you the ranty details, it's been four days and two migraines later. Still running, but getting easier to sleep, so hopefully it wont be long now. for those that don't know, I don;t get sick often, but I get very grumpy when I do. Stupidly inconvenient.

My building, instead of fixing problems it already has been putting off, has put out the word about it's newest upgrade! A guest suite! ... that might come in handy later, but it just seems so stupid to me at the moment. Especially as it's in the other tower. If I have guests, I'm not putting them up in another building. AND ... there's only one suite. In a two tower building. Dorks. 

So ... Anonymous asked about my resolutions. The ones that I made last year. Well, let's check it out. Here's what I had written in January.

My 2011 Resolutions ...

1. To get a handle on my T-shirt addiction, and improve my wardrobe. I'm going to try and get away from the full time jeans/t-shirt look.
2. I'm going to be financially stable, if not comfortable. (Independently wealthy would be nice, but ... baby steps ... baby steps ...)
3. Lose weight/tone up/be a little healthier
4. Find Love. That Somebody who wants Me and wants me to want Him back.
5. Be Happy.

That's pretty much it. If I can only find a smidgen of each, I'll consider myself well off.

... and here's update.

1. The T-shirt Addiction. 

YES. There are still some great shirts out there, but I have not purchased any new t-shirts for myself this year. At all. I'm focusing more on nicer tops. More along the lines of office wear. That's my new casual. I'm not refusing to wear T-shirts again though. I've just limited myself to ones with scoop or v-necks. Girly. ;) I've also rediscovered jewellery. Can't really wear that with a t-shirt. Phase 1 complete.

2.Finances.

YES! Not only am I basically debt free, but my get rich slowly scheme is working very nicely. I'm already 1/3 of the way to my second year goal. AND it's set up to give me a nice bonus every December. By the end of 2012, I will have my student loan completely paid off. THAT will be very nice. Might even celebrate by increasing my get rich slowly payments. It could happen. Phase 1 complete.

3. 3'n'1 Health

Yes, but it's a bit wobbly. I'm eating a bit better, but with certain circumstances going on, I fell off the wagon a bit. Still, I know the plan, and I've already made re-progress. (Well, it's a word now.) It won't take much to get back to where I should be. Just a bit of effort and some re-established consistency. Phase 1 almost completed. Re-initiating.

4. Love. 

... Maybe next year. Re-boot required.

5. Happiness

Not yet. But I'm not giving up either. Maybe when I get my own place. Maybe when I get #4. Error. System crash.

Know what? Three out of five ain't bad. So, that leaves me to wonder about this year's resolutions.

Resolutions for 2012

1. Continue to upgrade my wardrobe. I plan on weeding out the older shirts, and replacing them with nicer tops. This upgrade will also include a nice place to store my jewellery. I can't keep my pendants on a horse shoe forever. 
2. Continue to build up my financial comfort. I have a solid plan in place. Work it! In addition, work on having a nest egg ready for emergencies/spontaneous vacation escapes.
3. Continue to slim down and make smart meal choices. The challenge is that Mom isn't always on board.
4. Still looking for a loving commitment.
5. Happiness ... I think it's still waiting for me. I will find it.

Found a quote that ties in with my thought for the day. "It's not what happens to us, it's what we choose to do about what happens that makes the difference in how our lives turn out." ~ Jim Rohn

Of course, there's also "If you don't like it, fix it or get out." ~ spoken by somebody who, I sure has a nickname here, but I can't think of it right now.

Well, Mom has gone out, so I'm off to try and wrap my gifts. Few as they are, I wonder if there is enough wrapping paper. No ... but I COULD cover the one box with bows. Hokey Stinkmore! Just about the entire storage container is BOWS. ... If she attempts to save the used ones, I will have to smack her. 

Sweet Dreams!

The Aliens Have Brought Me Back to the Beginning

December 4, 2011 - 03:21


Mood: Introspective
Music: Will find You ~ Clannad
Thought for the Day: What you do today has no effect on the past. Your choices today create choices and opportunities along your path. Face forward and move toward them.

     Have you ever noticed how you don;t need your dictionary until you've buried it? *sigh* I'm such a dork. Still, you know what they say about a clean desk.

     I've been meaning to write for a while now. Actually, I really need to learn to keep paper around me like I used to ... so many lovely little passages have been lost forever from my head. Nice to know it's all coming back. And in a way sad ... since the secret ingredients to my writing seems to be isolation and loneliness with alternating happy and depressed moments. Damn roller coasters. Never been a big fan of them. Too many people falling off.

     Well, it's been a year, almost, since I moved into this apartment to help take care of Mom as she adjusted to widowhood. (Shush, it's a word now!) I'm fence sitting for the moment as I wait to see what will happen next. On one hand, I need my own space (I think I've whined about that already.) On the other, one more year, barring any personal disasters, will put me back into comfortable financial security ... I've written out the budget, assuming we stay in the apartment and it looks fairly good. I could even get my student loan paid off in the next year with an extra payment, or two. Then I would truly be debt free. (I don't consider my credit cards to be debt as the balance fluctuates and I have the payments well under control.)

     I have two songs in my heart ... "My Immortal" by Evanesance, and "What If" by Kate Winslet. The lyrics haunt me. Yes, I feel a writing session coming on. Perhaps I will finally finish or continue some old projects, or even start new ones. This would be great. No, that doesn't begin to describe the relief that the idea brings. I've missed my writing. Sometimes I think that I'm floating through existence and I'm not actually alive unless I am writing  or making love. there are, of course, rare exceptions to this. Aren't there always? This IS me that we're speaking of. "I'm the Only One" by Melissa Etheridge pops up now and then, but my ... rebel moments ... are few an far between lately. I'm so tired. I'm having trouble finding the energy to maintain the blaze. Instead, I have been stubbornly safeguarding the spark ... but the glow sometimes grows dim and I wonder why I bother. Some encouragement would be nice. Something to fuel the hope. From an outside source. Hard to find lately ... despite claims that it's always there. Bah. Games. Foolish ...

     Whoops, I added to the song list ... *sigh*

     Yes, I'm a little depressed. Well, that tends to happen when I get tired and feel strained. I've got a bit of time off work to refresh myself. Not a lot of time, but better than nothing. It's not going to go away any time soon. It's part of the mental scar tissue, and that's been there for decades. As much as I wish I could go back to my happy days, I also realise that those days were lived in a constructed bubble ... a personal world that would be impossible to re-enter. Still ...

    Still, I am as close to my old self as I have been in years. I recognise the life that I had and the person that I was in it as the person who is looking at me in the mirror now-a-days. Older, and more experienced, maybe a bit more worn, but the same. I think I will be alright ... barring any personal disasters. :) No more backsliding. No more barrel bottoms. I feel like I have a solid footing within my life and the only direction I'm going is UP! (Said with strength and conviction, not spunky cheer. Somehow, to me, this makes it seem more realistic and believable. Intense sincerity? Perhaps.)

    Purchased my MP3 player and I have no more excuses to avoid getting back to my workouts. I fell off the wagon, so to speak, just over a month ago, but I'm sure that I will have no trouble getting things back to where they were. It would be easier if I lived alone, but I'll manage.

   Well, I think it's time to hit the sack with a bit of reading, and then to sleep. Been getting to bed later and later lately, and it's getting harder to wake up at a decent time. Sadly, this IS the time of day when I usually do my best writing. LOL! Well, maybe that can work too, eventually. I'm not as young as I used to be though.

     One thing that has been surprising me lately is people making statements in regards to my character/personality. Like they know me. Some of the statements, are off the rock and I know that I am being mocked, but other times, somebody makes a comment that makes me wonder if I'm as closed off as I've been accused of, or if they are just being very observant. Or maybe, it's just a lucky, flippant remark. Hard to say.

     Speaking of people who know me ... You jerk! If you don't open up to me soon and let me into your life, then I'm going to assume that you are clutching me like a security blanket. Security blankets are temporary devices, no matter how loved. Stop playing with my brain, and my heart, and decide what you want already. I'm ready to go either way. The smallest nudge will push me into landing on a side ... and I'd rather it would land me by yours. Stupid. What are you afraid of? Hypocrite!

     Looking forward to getting some shopping done. Especially the Secret Santa at work. No presents last year at all :( so this year will be exciting for me, even with Mom trying to drag me down. Not gonna let her. It's time to start living again ... and I'm starting right NOW!

Sweet Dreams!

Forks, Crossroads, and Doors of Opportunity, Oh My

November 1, 2011 - 23:45

Mood: Calm
Music: Ancient Pines - Loreena McKennit
Thought for the Day: Nothing keeps you awake at night like a suspicious cat.

Sometimes, I wonder if we actually have as many paths, or doors, to choose from as we think we do, or if it's what we choose to carry with us on our Path that causes the most fuss. Currently, my path is uphill. This doesn't mean that it's good, so much as it's slow and I have time to ponder as I walk. So much to carry with me as I climb. Some of it good, some of it not-so-good, some of it I'm not quite ready to let go of ... and some of it, well, I'm waiting for a cliff to toss it from so that it doesn't come back. :)

My dreams have been odd lately. I wish I had somebody to tell them to. The one person I used to talk to them about is gone ... but he shocked before he left. He didn't just listen, you see. He paid attention. I hope he is at peace.

Mom keeps sending me job opportunities that she thinks will entice me to move with her when her course is done. Currently, the opportunities have been in Calgary. Horse jobs. I've told her that I don't plan on moving. That I'm not ready to move. MY plans are currently to check out the cost of the bachelor suites here in the building, and figuring out what to do when I lose the car when she gets her job ... where ever it will be. She's afraid to be alone ... and, frankly, I think it could be good for her. She won't be far from family/friends, no matter where she goes. But she needs to find herself and decide who she is. She has some growing up to do.

Spot is now an insured kitty. His monthly fee is half of my own, but I'll feel so much better knowing that he's covered. It won't stop the surprise prices, but it will make sure some of it comes back. That's better than a kick in the pants and a slap in the face. He's starting to show his age, which worries me. He's also very NOT impressed that he's still taking a pill every morning. Poor, poor puddy tat.

I'm also looking forward to claiming my own space. That's true freedom. No worries about when somebody is going to come home and interrupt what you are doing. No worries about having the boyfriend over for the night. (Keeping up my love life with my mother in the next room is ... difficult.)

I've been going through my things and deciding what I actually need to keep and what I can donate, or just toss away. I'm even going through my mangas and pulling some series to donate to the Slave Lake library. I read each one and decide how I feel when I get to the end. So far, two series are in the box. Good reads, and, in their own way, inspiring, but I can part with them. Maybe one day I will buy them again ... if I can find a company that won't fold. Damn you, CMX and Tokyopop!


I've been so calm lately. I made a decision about moving forward with my life and my dreams instead of allowing them to be put on hold for others. There was a moment where I felt selfish as I reached out to open the proverbial door ... and then a calmness came over me. I knew I was on the right path then. Even if nothing come from it, I made my choice and I'm going to live with it.

I was invited to participate in a Trade Show here in my building. No details yet, but I'm looking forward to it. I haven't had a party all year. Anything I try to do on my own - parties, open houses, trade shows - has been full of no shows. The fundraisers have been okay so far though. (I say that in plural, as I am about to start my second fundraiser.) I think I have just lost my drive. One can only meet with failure before the determination falters and doubt creeps in. Kind of like walking in really deep mud ... you have to wonder if there isn't a better road to walk.

I have some plans to give some parts of my life a final chance. If nothing changes, then I will close doors, burn bridges, and whatever else I have to do. I will be free. I will do more than survive ... I will live!!

I am alive!

Sweet Dreams!

PS. If I haven't chatted with you lately, I'm just busy. Don't worry. I'm making plans for a vacation soon to re-energise.

Moving Forward

October 21, 2001 - 15:44

Mood: Calm
Music: Stayin' Alive - Bee Gees
Thought for the day: One should not make decisions for ones self based on what one thinks others may be thinking or doing. Make your decision based on what you know, what you are dealing with, and what is best for you right now. Others who wish to be involved will catch up.

Nag, nag, nag ... I'm not lazy, I'm just busy ...

Busy hunting for a second job (or a better first one) and making sure my resume says what I think it does. Trying to find the cash to keep up with my current crises ... and sacrificing some to make it. It's unfortunate that Mom has been picking up the parts that I've been dropping. She can't afford that. Not that that will stop her, but there you go.

I've been trying to thin my things a bit. Donating, or tossing, as needed, and things have thinned down a bit, but I don;t know that I really had that much to begin with. (The PartyLite doesn't count. That's inventory, not "stuff" ... and it's getting lower too.)

For those of you that knew, I recently did a fundraiser for the RCL Poppy Fund. I finally finalised everything and sent the donation in today. I raised $60 for them. I'm proud ... and now that I know what I am doing, I hope to have more success with fundraising. I'll be doing one charity a month ... did I mention that already? Well, that's the plan. November's charity will be the Food Bank, I think. December - Santa's Anonymous. We'll see how it goes ...

Not too much going on right now. Spot's numbers are still high, but slowly coming down. I'm looking at insurance for him ... despite his age. If he's going to start needing expensive trips to the vet, I'd like to be better prepared for them.

November is looming before me ... I am ready. I will survive. No, I will do more than just survive. I will reach for my dreams and I will touch them ...

2012 will be the end of the world as I know it. I will leave all this crap behind and step into happiness instead.

Sweet Dreams

The Pursuit of Happy

October 12, 2011 - 03:12

Mood: Intrigued ...
Music: When the Going Gets Tough - Billy Ocean
Thought of the Day: "To achieve greatness, start where you are, use what you have, and do what you can." ~ Unknown

I was on my way to bed when I thought to give my e-mail a quick check. Had to turn the computer off anyway ... found a reply to an entry.
"Anonymous said... 12/10/11 00:35

Down in the dumps ain't a fun feeling. Been there! Shout at the walls but they close their ears. Gotta be something you can do to keep you happy.... "

I was at first surprised that it was for the previous entry and not the recent one that had been posted almost 24 hrs earlier. The writing style is nagging at me. It feels familiar, but I keep running through a mental list and discarding them. Anyway, it feels like a point is being missed ... which irritates me ...

Dear Anonymous,  I thank you for your concern in regards to my entry. If you have suggestions that I have not tried, I am open to hearing about them. I'd also like to you recognise the fact that I AM TRYING. All my entries show this. But I am a complicated soul looking for a simple solution. It's not out there. Dumping my boyfriend won't keep me from being lonely, or help me learn to trust again. Ditching friends who have hurt me won't help others to like me better, and being what others want me to be won't help people get to know or understand the real me better. Getting another job will keep me busier and out of trouble, but it also gives me a reason to avoid dealing with my problems, and denies me the true peace that I need.

If I find a solution that doesn't lead to a new set of troubles, I'll pass it on. I promise.

(Of course, now your identity is going to keep me up ... feel free to message me.)

Something I can do to keep me happy ... Heh. I could go back to being oblivious to the outside world, but really, that just pains the few friends who know me better. I have intelligence and it irritates them when I hide it or don't use it. And really, was I actually happy? Sure, but I was a child ... that world is barred to me now.

I'm more involved with the community, doing volunteer work and fundraising. I'm putting more effort into my job and my business. I'm also setting myself limits so that I know when I've tried long enough. I'm trying to save up for my own place ... that's an important step ... and that will be easier now that I know I need to budget in pet insurance. I'm learning to put myself first, although I still have trouble with it. I see it as selfish to do things for myself.

But I must also point out that being happy is not something that can really be done alone. I'm happiest when people offer positive feedback or comments. When somebody I love says the words back, keeps a promise, or makes me feel important ... when somebody tells me that I'm beautiful, or have done well with a project. When somebody notices that I've lost weight. When somebody says any of these things unexpectedly,  without my fishing, or bringing up the subject. These lay on the path to happiness just as much as anything that I can do to "keep (me) happy". Don't you agree? If you don't, you are lying to yourself.

Thank you for your note, Anonymous ... whomever you may be. Not only does getting a comment make my day, but comments like yours inspire me to write more ... and that keeps me happy too.

Sweet Dreams!

Whose Dream Is This, Anyway?

(aka I Take Thee, Aliens ...)

October 11, 2011 - 01:26

Mood: Calm, thoughtful, introspective ... just damn relaxed, at last
Music: Love Before Time - Coco Lee
Thought of the Day: Maybe you really can't go home again, but you can always build a new one of your own.

Managed to have a day off at last. A real day off, where I didn't have to GO anywhere. Seems like I'm always driving somewhere. A day without a schedule. Aaah. It doesn't solve anything, but it sure feels nice.

Somebody stole my car magnet on Saturday night. I'm not thrilled. I'm a sentimental soul and I've had the magnet from the beginning. I EARNED it. And some sod just walked up and took it. I wonder if they realise how much it will cost to replace the damn thing ...

I woke up this morning wondering why I can't seem to inspire 'loyalty'. Why is it that people have trouble committing to any kind of relationship with me ... either romantically, in friendship, or in business. It's rare that I feel a part of anything. What a thought to wake up with. What the heck was I dreaming?

But let's not think about that right now. I'm relaxed and not willing to step towards that depression.

In the same vein though, I've given "two and a half months notice" to my Unit Leader. If I can't show an improvement in my business by the end of the year then I will seriously consider not doing it any more. I'm putting much more money into it than I am getting out. It may be time to cut my losses. I keep buying Hostess gifts and prizes and never have the chance to use them. I have a closet and a half of product. Some of it is even mine. :) I'll be donating some of it. the spa stuff. I'm not doing those shows any more. No demand for it.

We'll see. I keep getting people who agree to book ... and then never actually have the party. Again, why do people have commitment issues with me? I've only ever asked for one person's soul ... and I thought it was a fair trade!

I was a bad girl today. Three cans of Barqs. (After supper though, so I was a good girl, in a way) SO hitting the weight room tomorrow. But it was worth it ...

Slept in. Sort of. Spot kept trying to induce me into wakefulness. His new trick is to stick his paw up my nose. (Gets a better reaction, I guess. Harder to throw a pillow at him.) Got all my laundry done (never mind that it's still waiting to be folded - eheh!) and got bored with FB really fast, so I played Civ III. Finished a game. (First time in a very long time that I've finished the space race. I miss the Civ II movies, etc. Will have to try Civ IV or V sometime.) Felt anti-climatic about that win as my computer did something funny so I couldn't peruse my scores. Decided to watch Season 1 of Magic Knight Rayearth. That was nice ... ignoring the comments that Mom made intermittently. She's come to terms with my love for "cartoons", but still doesn't understand why I have to watch it in Japanese. One of these days I'm going to sit her down and show her the difference between Sub and dub. InuYasha might be the best example. Dubbed InuYasha makes me twitch uncontrollably. I would only ever watch it for Jade ... nobody else. Anyway, finished that about midnight-ish, and now I am relaxing to music. Ha! And avoiding my laundry, I guess. LOL!

In regards to the decisions in the last entry ... I'm pretty sure I know what I have to do, and I know that I should do it and get it over with. I'm trapping myself in an endless cycle of hoping. It's not getting better. What am I waiting for? And really, how hurt will I be if they don't notice?

Thanks to Terry and Lavender for their supportive comments.
~ Hello, Terry, nice to meet you. Not sure how you've read, or how long you'll stay, but you are welcome.
~ Lavender, I'm thinking that that bike purchase might as well wait for spring. Storage might be an issue for now. Glad to hear you've reached goals! Now go make new ones! :)

Mom's been talking hard about moving to Pender, and she's determined to take me with her. *sigh* I had easier times controlling a high strung horse in the paddock on race day. With a damaged shoulder! *shakes head* I keep telling her that she can't go unless she's ready and to not rush things. Finish school and see what happens. Today, I repeated myself. I also pointed out that she is NOT going to move there in the Fall or Winter unless she has a job ready and waiting, and a place to stay. She keeps talking about sharing rent, and what I should sell out of my things. ... *stare* ... She should know better than to say such stupid things. I finally put my foot down firmly. She's not going until she's ready to go AND knows for sure that she is actually going. And I haven't made any kind of decision about going with her. Even if I was going, I'm sure as green apples am NOT ready to go. As for giving up my things ... I think I've given up quite a lot over the past couple of years. She has no right to demand I give up more.

I need my own place. 'Need' may not be a strong enough word. 'Require' may be better. I've never done well with room-mates ... and moving back in with my mother to help her deal with being alone after my Dad passed away was the final sacrifice that I am able to make. I don't wish to share my space with her anymore. Which sounds a bit cruel, but, really, it isn't. It's necessary. Every space in this apartment is SHARED, except the bedrooms. And I had to make bold threats to keep her out my room. I'm too old for "KEEP OUT' signs on my door. I'd been on my own for too long to live with her again. Can't be done again. I keep finding us in reversed positions and, as my friend, Green Man pointed out ... raising your mother is just too damn dysfunctional!!

So there you go. I require my own space.

Speaking of space, I'd better go make some on my bed if I plan on getting into it tonight.

The couch is looking good, right now ...

Sweet Dreams!

Come Back Tomorrow

October 3, 2011 - 12:37

Mood: Tired, and struggling
Music: Somebody to Love - Queen
Thought of the Day: Hatred will steal the freedom from your heart ~ Jellal (Fairytail 59)

I had a horrible dream this morning. Sadly, I don't know if it's my subconscious playing with me or if somebody is trying to tell me something. Maybe both. Either way, it's making me consider a few hard decisions.

It's not improving my mood either. I've been rather stressed out lately. I've been feeling rather kicked down. First my laptop crashed. Cost me about $500 to replace. Then I discover that Spot is sick. Once again, the cost so far has been $500. I had to struggle to pay that. I am now broke. Completely. Mom has offered to pitch in, but I have refused. She manages to give me money anyway. I feel like crap because she's been footing the bill for groceries ... and she's had to live with my mood swings. They aren't pretty and she keeps taking them personally. I need my own place ...

Something is going on. Something I'm missing. Something is being hidden. I know this for sure. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to centre myself and find the problem. I feel like I'm being poked off balance from many directions. Despite this, I'm determined to move forward. I'd rather stumble my way to my goal than not make the attempt at all. I will do more than survive ... I will succeed.

My depression is not being helped by all the brown envelopes that have been returned to me in the mail almost everyday. Each one stabs me like a rejection from the person themselves, even though they have not seen the package. But I've taken this and learned something. I've made a decision and this decision will help me to succeed even more. Now is the time to be bold and confident. I will take this confidence and keep a promise to myself today. I will.

I've been really horrible at my communications ... I've barely replied to anybody. Even FB replies have been minimal. Sorry. I've retreated into my shell again, and I won't be coming out for a while. Nobody seems to have noticed, so I've been recuperating on my own. Of course, it's my own fear that nobody has noticed. It's possible that somebody has ... and is giving me space to do my own thing ... which is good ... and bad. It's okay though. At times like this, I have to decide to come out on my own. I have to fix things in my own mind, and be firm in my decisions, or it will come back three-fold to haunt me later.

I wonder if winning the lotto would make me happier ... perhaps in some ways. Won't find me somebody to love though. No, that's not true ... finding somebody to love has never been a problem. Finding somebody who actually loves me back the way I need it. That's another matter. He's out there somewhere. And he will love me as much as Spot does. I believe.

Meanwhile, I think that I will need to make a couple hard decisions. There is some weight that I've been carrying ... I need to decide what to do with it. And still be true to myself when I make the decision. That may  be the hard part ...

I'm tired of being strong. Strong for me. Strong for others. I want somebody to be strong with me and share the burden. Somebody who can take up the burden when I have times of weakness ... and will help me to realise that allowing a bit of weakness in makes me even stronger in the end.

I want the fairytale!

I don't think this is too much to ask. I'm worth it!

Sweet Dreams ...

State of Mind

August 10, 2011 - 03:47

Mood: Happy, dammit!
Music: MMM, MMM, MMM, MMM - Crash Test Dummies
Thought of the Day: True Love cannot be hindered by time, space, distance, or even relatives. It doesn't know the boundaries of race, sex, colour, or even species. It is the Universal Healer of all things. It can only be limited by one thing. Ourselves.

I remember thinking that I wish people could hear some of the conversations that I have with myself ... and then the voice in my head made some sarcastic comment about just writing the damn things down and SHARING them, why don't I? I actually snorted in response. Who thinks to write down an argument while you are having it?

On that note, I made sure to remember this one for you ... I had been doing some PartyLite tasks that I find difficult. Outgoing Calls. I made my call number goal, and then moved on to making invites ... and I found myself wondering why I was doing this ...

Voice: Why bother? It's not going to accomplish anything. Nobody's going to show up ... as usual.
Me: *shutting everything off* If I'm going to think things like this, then I should just go to bed ... and start fresh tomorrow.
Voice: Why?
Me: Because you're being stupid.
Voice: I'm not being stupid; you're being stupid.
Me: How do you figure that?
Voice: You're talking to yourself.
Me: Doesn't that make you stupid too? You're talking back to yourself.
Voice: Shut up, and go to bed.

Jeff Foxworthy is right ... true stuff is the funniest. You can't make this stuff up. and I may fail at my attempts to be successful, but it won't be because of my lack of effort. I've personally invited over a dozen people and notified over 100 electronically. I'll also be sending out an e-mail soon as well ... AND following them up with phone calls. I'm giving this my best shot, dammit.

I'm one step closer to the idea of being published. Green Man told me how to find an artist for my Greek Project. He also suggested that I was allowed to publish fan fics as long as I didn't profit from them. So, I can find an artist my my SM fic too. Add that to my growing idea list for my adventure fantasies and I could be on to something here. Which is a good thing ... 'cause, 'tis the season, you know? Yes, I bought a note book from the Back to School section ... again. Pencils too, this time. :) Watch me fly ...

Sweet Dreams!

PS. Going to spend some time with Lavender tomorrow/today ... Gonna borrow a bike and go for a ride. :) Wonder where?

The Foggy Dew

(aka Starting Anew and Afresh, But Still Keeping a Wary Eye Out for the Aliens.)

July 26, 2011 - 23:40

Mood: A little tired, but already plotti- ... erm, looking forward to her next adventure.
Music: Does Your Mother Know ~ ABBA
Thought for the Day: If a clean desk is the sign of a sick mind, then what does an organised desk signify?

Just getting some things together for my last shift at the Trade Show. I'm determined to get some major results during my shift. It's difficult being a true Gemini at times ... nothing creates a personal obstacle more than being a Shy Outgoing Person. Or am I an Outgoing Shy Person? You see? I can't even properly classify myself.

I'm not doing as well as I expected, but I don't know what exactly I'm doing wrong. I'll just have to try harder. So far, I have the lowest stats of the team ... I think. Still, I'm better off now than I was before, which was the point of the process. So, tomorrow, I need to gather $400 in orders ... or at least one booking in July. A tight squeeze, I know. And, frankly, a little impossible since I've already been scheduled up to the first week of August. *sigh* Well, here's to hoping that all those catalogues that I handed out will lead to something in the way of improving my finances.

I seem to have lost my Commenting Club ... ah, well. I write this for me, but I do admit that it's nice to get feedback at times.

Speaking of which, I'm no sure if this is a compliment or not, but I was working out the other day and sharing the room with an old man who was very chatty. He also bounced about the weight machine with energy. I remember thinking that he was going to hurt himself. Like many elderly, he had an opinion and advice about everything and anything ... including sex. I have no idea how he steered the conversation that way, as I admit I was only half listening to him., but suddenly he was coaxing me to have an affair with him. He demanded to know if I was feeling hot and feeling an itch, and where was the itch I was feeling? He kept going on about how his wife had no real idea about what he was doing at the moment, and nobody would know. I was still affecting amusement as I bid him goodbye and left the room, but started to freak a little as I got out of sight down the hall. I'm still not sure if I should report him to the office. Thankfully, he never actually touched me. I promise that if he had, the police will never find his balls, and the coroner will be mystified as to the tool used to remove them. He claimed to be 78 ... true or not, he should know better.

Not entirely sure what to add to that.

Looks like I'm going to be a very busy girl at Job #1. The newest schedule to come out has me working four closing shifts out of five. I mean, wow. Hopefully, this will lead to good things. Like paid off credit cards. So I can use them again. LOL!

Speaking of which, I have to go an check my balances.

Good night, and ...
Sweet Dreams!

P.S. By the by ... about Balance ... I'm doing well with mine. It's only slightly off right now, but I feel strong. Grounded, but ready to fly when the situation calls for it. The fire within is lit and crackling merrily, and shines brightly in the darkness. Come. Feel the warmth.

The Ride of the Valkyries

July 25, 2005 - 00:37

Mood: Kinda pleasantly blurred - in a good mood, thanks to a good day, but there is a stink in the air outside that's giving me the munchies.
Music: Right Here Waiting ~ Richard Marx (the first "current" song I ever learned the words to!)
Thought for the Day: If you can't love me as I am, then how can you say that you love me?

I didn't think that I was in the mood the write today, despite having things to say, but I just left a big blob of words on a friend's 'blog and realised that I may have been mistaken.

The urge to get my own place is strong within me. I miss the privacy. I miss being able to take a shower and NOT discovering that somebody has turned on the dishwasher while I was in there. I miss taking the opportunity to lay naked in a sunbeam ... you get the idea. I don't want to have to be on my guard all the time - and no matter how nice the person is, or how much you love them, you are going to be on your guard to some degree. No matter how small. I miss not having to watch my mood swings as soon as I walk in the door. Where's the slumping relaxation? When do I get to shake off the mask and the invisibility cloak and just be myself? Being lonely is the sacrifice I make to maintain my sanity.

Besides, my being here is not helping Mom much. For one thing, she never sees me. What am I supposed to do? Quit my jobs? Am I suppose to watch over her every move? She seems wonderfully content to allow somebody else to make the brunt of the decisions. I've been trying to wean her off that, but it's a horrible experience. Right now she's given up on everything. Finding somebody new, getting a job, going to school, losing weight ... DOING anything ... Perhaps it is cruel to let her live alone with that, but I can't afford to let her drag me back down to that level with her. I have my own destiny to weave ... I can't be carving hers too.

She was doing better when I was around more, but I just got a promotion at one job, and it looks like I'm going to be a bit busier with the other. The only thing we are doing for each other right now is sharing a few bills. Getting my own place might mean losing the car ... but maybe by then I will be able to afford my own. We'll see.

I've also been looking at getting my eyes laser corrected ... if they can be. That could affect things in regards to being on my own too. We'll just have to see how my savings do, I guess. I'll need a car for one job, if not the other, no matter what my location will be.

There's also the matter of wanting somebody else in my life, as well. I don't know about you, but it's difficult to be properly romantic with your mother sleeping in the next room. I'm not 16 anymore, dammit.

Speaking of romance. I was invited, out of the blue, to go see the final Harry Potter movie. Best. Date. Ever. (The movie was good too!) If he felt as wonderful as I did, then there was some serious MAGIC happening that evening ... and it wasn't in the movie!

*sigh* My soul ... my soul was so full ...

Sweet Dreams ...

Feeling the Crunch 'n' Munch

July 9, 2011 - 14:17


Mood: Irritated, but determined.
Music: May It Be - Enya
Thought for the Day: Co-operation from the Universe is a great thing, but shouldn't be depended on. Get your facts, Get things done, and keep your wits about you through it all!


Getting irritated with the facilities in this building. I'm seriously thinking of writing a letter. I don't know that I want to renew the lease when it comes up. I'm thinking a nice townhouse somewhere would be nice. Might go crazy living with Mom, but more space would make it all bearable.


Anyway, I wanted to have an open house for my Partylite next weekend. I had every intention of using the tenant Lounge. It's always open and it's free. At no time was I told that I could only use it during open office hours. While having the office closed DOES put a damper on getting people in from the outside of the building, I can work around that. Worse comes to worse, I just have the open house in the apartment. Less traffic, but easier access. This place is becoming so disappointing. So much potential and they are stifling it. I'm not the only tenant complaining either.


Anyway, the weather is certainly ruining my plans for my Mom's birthday. Will have to go with Plan B. I don't know that she will like it better, but we'll see. Maybe I'll just offer her a rain cheque.


I am covered in hives. Not sure from what. This is not improving my mood. So, summary ... I've got Jill visiting this week, I'm covered in hives, the building is irrational in it's policies ... and I've got a shift coming up. Do you want to check your hit points before or after I slap you? This is all probably playing merry havoc with my weight too. Grr ...


Not going to give up though. I will persevere! I will have this Open House! I will jump start my business and not let it fall to the side again! Roar!


Sweet Dreams!

Mr Sunshine ... Send Me a Dream

June 6, 2011 - 14:59

Mood: Blissful ... bordering on ecstatic
Music: Hey, Hey, We're the Monkees!
Thought of the Day: You can do anything ... when you are ready for it. (Or when it's ready for you.)

I wrote a poem today, as my hair dried in the sunshine. A POEM! ME! I think I'm on to something here ... I rarely write poetry. It's a bit rough and I have to go to work soon, so I may share it with you later. Or not ... maybe I'll use it for something else. :)

My only question is ... what will I do when winter comes again? LOL!

Until then, I think I will be happy like this. As long as I don't burn. :)

Sweet Dreams!

PS. SHORTEST UPDATE EVAR!! LOL!

True Blue

July 5, 2011 - 22:42

Mood: Pleasantly content (with periods of irritation ... stupid week 3)
Music: Angel - Sarah McLachlan
Thought for the Day: No matter where you go, what you are doing, or who you are with ... there you are. Whether, or not, that makes you happy is up to you.

The feeling of true peace can be found anywhere, and at any time of day. It's different for everybody. to me it's moments of contentment like that when I know that I am truly happy. It's moments like that which lead to things like this ...

The sky was so blue. That was the first thing that she noticed when she opened her eyes. She’d always wondered what ‘true blue’ was. She had thought it was one of those figures of speech that everybody over-used, because they’d forgotten what it really meant. But this was it, she decided. True blue ... framed beautifully along the edges of her vision by varying shades of green ... the occasional wisp of little clouds artfully placed within.

She blinked and became aware of other things. Cold, wet, sticky, discomfort, smells of wet fur and iron. She tried to move and the pain flared. She was laying in the mud along the side of the river, still half in the water from about her hips down.

Where was she?

She closed her eyes, and concentrated within. Her energy was so low ... How long had she been laying here? She thought her right leg may be broken. The cold water hid any other minor damages, which was just as well, she supposed. Her left arm, badly cracked, if not also broken, had long since dried the mud covering it. Her left shoulder was also damaged. Pierced. Arrow? Dagger? She couldn’t recall.

Something tickled her awareness and she cautiously extended her thoughts toward it. Her companion was laying not far from her. That explained the smell of wet fur. Hurt exhausted and deeply sleeping ... and something else. Something just a little further ... was that? ...

“Goddess, please be what I think that is,” she thought. Gathering what little energy she had left, she sent out a pulse, a plea, in the direction of her hope.

She opened her eyes, faintly feeling recognition ... and the blue sky turned black.

I haven't written anything original, other than this journal, in about two years ... maybe longer. this is how I know things are going right for me. This is how I know that I'm going to be whole and right again. 

I am amazed by the opportunities provided by this chapter piece. It could be the middle of a story, the prologue ... it could be a D&D type story ... or the beginning of my own HP or Twilight fame ... perhaps something along the lines of Witch and Wizard. That the amazing thing about this piece ... I have know idea who the character is, or who (or what) her companion is. The possibilities are endless. 

It's like I was sent something ... 

I'm home, Aunty Em ... I'm home!

Sweet Dreams!

PS. Got some really good pics tonight. I think. :) Used both cameras ... we'll see how I did.

Cleaning House

July 3, 2011 - 14:01

Mood: Saddened, but marching forward
Music: To Make You Feel My Love - Garth Brooks
Thought of the Day: They say the first step to getting help is to admit that you need it. I really should wait for people to say that they need it ... or expect it, at least.

Resolutions update ... How am I doing?

My 2011 Resolutions ...

1. To get a handle on my T-shirt addiction, and improve my wardrobe. I'm going to try and get away from the full time jeans/t-shirt look.
2. I'm going to be financially stable, if not comfortable. (Independently wealthy would be nice, but ... baby steps ... baby steps ...)
3. Lose weight/tone up/be a little healthier
4. Find Love. That Somebody who wants Me and wants me to want Him back.
5. Be Happy.

Hmm ... #1 ... haven't done much to improve it, but I've found the styles that I'm looking for. On the bright side, I haven't purchased a new T-shirt for myself in ages.
#2 ... I consider this to be basically achieved. I have savings in a couple accounts and my term deposit is coming along nicely. Looking forward to Yule this year. It's not as comfortable as I'd like, but I'm well on my way as long as my situation doesn't change for worse.
#3 ... Also well on my way. As reported earlier, I've lost inches. I'm happy with myself and look forward to seeing how much farther I can go.
#4 ... Still holding my breath ... Maybe?
#5 ... It comes and goes, but even in the low times, I recognise that I'm happier now than I have been over the past couple of years.

Overall Summary ... I'd like to see it progress further, but I consider this year's list to be a success. I haven't given up on any of them, but have seen some wonderful achievements within it. I'm very proud myself and look forward to taking these steps even further.

So why am I unhappy in the face of such positive motions? Part of it is the wicked mood swings ... Stupid pendulum. Part of it is that I'm wondering if Facebook is a good place for me. I've been told off/scolded once again for being me, in a way. I've been removing a lot of people on my Friend list lately too ... people that aren't a benefit to my life, people that I don't think I'm benefitting either. You know, the ones that add you and then you never really hear from them again. I've said that I don't want to be a statistic, a notch on somebody's post, and just there to make their list look bigger. I've let a few people slide on that, but it's time to 'clean house". In a way, I feel guilty, but I remind myself that it's just Facebook. Seriously. It's not the end all, be all, of social lives. Or, rather, it shouldn't be. Cutting back on my list keeps my ability to keep up with friends and family and stay somewhat active in their lives so much easier. Perhaps, in time, I will eventually get rid of it. I'm tired of people taking my comments out of context because they don't know me, they don't know how to read, or whatever their excuse is. It does very little for my PartyLite business. There are a few people that I use FB for to keep in contact, but, really, FB is taking over my life. I could use my time better. I could be writing.

So I'll be cutting back on the time that I spend there, I think. No more checking in at work, unless I need to send a message. Connection is slow as heck anyway. :) I'll use the laptop to watch movies, or to write a bit. I think there is a word processor on it ... LOL! Healthier ... Goes back to Resolution #3, even if that wasn't the interpretation I had intended, but it works. It's a good thing.

Here, on my journals entries, I don't have to worry so much about being myself, and saying what I think. But then, you've all been warned. At least, you have been if you have been with me for a while. As far as I know, I only have a couple readers ... I don't mind though. I'm here for me, really. These words are my thoughts, told from my point of view. My therapy. I've had people in the past get offended at my words and I have to remind them of the rules. If you don't know them, let me know and I will repeat them or direct you to the proper entry.

SNACK ATTACK!!

That's better. Still feeling a bit restless though. Maybe I'll go and work out a bit downstairs later, even though it's my day off from it. We'll see. I probably should, as my diet gets wonky when the groceries get low. I've been overdoing the grains and meats. I have to be a bit more watchful because I'm not visiting the nutritionist weekly anymore. This will be a two week stretch ... so I have to be a good girl, or it'll go back to weekly. Or I'll prove that I can't be trusted and go back to weekly. Still, I'm not sure how long this program is supposed to last, so I'll try to be a good girl and wean myself away from supervision. :) LOL!

I've been reading Jennifer Love Hewitt's book, The Day I Shot Cupid, and I'm enjoying it. She writes a lot like me, I think, and that gives me hope for my own ambitions.

Speaking of ambitions, I have things that I need to get done today. So ... off with me. :)

Sweet Dreams!

(Rolling credits ... Music: Good Ol' Boys - Waylon Jennings)

Just a Little Quickie Before Bed ...

June 30, 2011 - 03:35

Mood: Started the day being very happy ... then I got a migraine. Stupid storm.
Music: Whistling wind and purring kitty - not the best combo, but inescapable, all the same. Stupid windows.
Thought for the Day: When you think up a good though for the day, you should write it down before you forget it!

So, just a quick note before bed. This migraine is bunching up my muscles horribly and I will need to relax them soon, or I won't sleep well, and it could be difficult to drive.

Anyway, the good news is ... even though I'm not making great leaps in losing weight, I am making headway in my measurements. In the past month, I have lost *drum roll* ... half an inch off my bust, ONE inch off my waist, and ONE inch off my hips. something I never thought I would manage. I celebrated with pizza. LOL!

I got a few good shots of the sky tonight ... the approaching storm, the storm, the end of the storm ... the HUGE rainbow ... the lights of the city and reflecting on the river. All on Mom's camera though. Maybe I will pull them off tomorrow ... I really want a new camera, but I'm saving up for so much already ... Ah, well, I'll just add it to my list. :) It'll happen.

The other morning was good too ... I not only woke up to a PartyLite sale notification, but I got hit on while I was working out. Me. While sweating on a treadmill ... in my fat clothes. Go figure ... It suddenly dawned on me that I've never been hit on before. Outside of high school, anyway ... And I was oblivious to most of that too. After all, I'd been told that  I was ugly so often, why would I think somebody felt differently? And the other day, a nice, large, nicely muscled black man looked at me and said, "I've never seen you in here before." When he said it twice, I clicked in ... *translation* 'Hey, come here often?' He kept the conversation going for quite a while before going back to his weights. Then he winked at me on his way out. I was so flabbergasted and giggly that I almost fell off the treadmill. :) Wow.

So, I've ... not lost weight ... I've improved my curves, got told in a round-about way that I was good looking, at least, AND I won't see a zero reflected on my sales this month. (June has been slow for me.) And ... I may have a date for Friday before I go to work.

Happy Canada Day, eh? and ...

Sweet Dreams!

You Can Go Home Again ... Honest

June 27, 2011 - 16:42

Mood: Calm ... Peaceful, even
Music: Who Wants to Live Forever? - QUEEN, baby!
Thought of the Day: Your home reflects your inner self. That is the fine line between clutter and cozy, not the quantity of items you own.

I've been puttering around the house. Moving this, adjusting that ... tossing something away, declaring another to be donated ... and I sudden;y surprised myself with an urge to sing. I felt I was being asked. And I burst out into a song that I hadn't even been thinking of. Thanks, Albert. Miss you too.

So, singing and chair bopping aside, I felt like writing. I'm feeling like things are good right now and so I said ... 'Why not?' ... so here I am.

I feel so good today ... which is a relief because the past few days have been heavy and horrible. I think I'm reflecting Mom's feelings, and not my own though. It does take me a bit to shake it all off, but it's definitely easier when I'm away from her. Granted, she has some troubles in her life right now ... money is running a bit tight, but seriously, she should have seen that coming for a while now. My flighty mother. Her Chinese horoscope is a horse ... well, she has the flight part down pat. But I'm not letting her run away from, or ignore, her troubles. She's going to learn how to deal with them.

She is on the right track. While I feel both amused, and some trepidation, at her forays into the online dating scene, it has forced a big issue with her. Let's just say that my self-esteem is inherited. Which is why I'm so screwed up myself ... I have a fantastic self image. I should be healthy! :) Either way, she's working on it. The saying goes that you can't trust others to love you if you can't love yourself ... and she knows I'm right. She's watching me live it. I'm a much stronger person because of it too. Which would be to my benefit if I wasn't in love still with somebody who's mother is a manipulative energy vampire. Poor thing.

So! Beautiful outside. I think we are done with rain for a little bit. Despite the haze of ... something ... smoke? floating about the atmosphere, it's gorgeous outside. In fact, I'm going to go open all the windows. :)

~ A little later~

17:30
Okay, so I realised what time it was and got supper started. We had purchased a large package of drumsticks, and, for some strange reason, we hadn't split them up. So I have to make the whole package. O.o! Yup. Nineteen drumsticks. Half will be breaded and half will have sauce on them. I'm going to make KD (the kind made with cauliflower fibre) and a boatload of mixed vegies. Can you say LEFTOVERS? LOL! I knew you could!

Mom came home and I sent her downstairs to work out. She can't escape me. Mwahahahahaha!

The place is starting to shape up nicely for me ... I have PLANTS in the house! It's wonderful! I want more, but I don't think Mom is ready for them yet. :)

OH! I'm so excited, I almost forgot! LOL!

I was looking at the business cards for PartyLite. I'm going to need some for the trade show and I've been wishing for some anyway. So I looked at the people on the official PL web site. What a crappy deal. Then I remembered the cards one of the ladies had at the last meeting ... So I hunted up the site for that (made easier by FB, thank you!) OMFG! <-- (That's Oh, My Freakin' Goodness!, y'all) I came out with an order for a thousand cards, a hundred magnets (that match the cards), a sticky pad, AND a business card holder ... all for under eighty bucks! AND I got to choose my design, what I wanted on it, where I wanted it ... I chose the delivery I was willing to pay (cheap and slow, but it will get here in time.) I can't wait! Happyhappyhappyhappy!

SUPPERTIME!

18:38

Nummy. I'm a very good cook. I'm looking forward to cooking some of the things I earned while working in the kitchen at the marina on Pender. I was good.

Anyway, I have a nice full tummy and Mom is begging me to send her some virtual gifts in a game we are playing. So ...

20:09
The urge to write is dimming ... so I'll get out what I can. Aren't Gemini's great?

They say that home is where your heart is, but I've also heard that home is in your head. That way it's always with you.  I like this idea, but it's incorrect as well. A bad head-space can keep you out of sorts and uncomfortable in your own head, and make you feel lost ... homeless. But there's hope ... because you can go home again ... you'll be a different person, and home may not be the exact same, but you can find the same comfort that you once knew before. To me, that's what "going back home" means.

I'm almost there ... :)

Sweet Dreams!

Marking the Right Path ... With a Good Dump.

(aka - I Wonder Where the Aliens Went?)

June 23, 2011 - 14:53

Music: All You Need is Love (Elephant Love Song Medley)  - Ewan McGregor and Nicole Kidman
Mood: Cheering ... spontaneous giggling fits can be uplifting
Thought for the Day: No matter how you feel in the morning when you first get up, there's always an improvement after you've had a good poop.

I'm going to have to split this entry up and work on it a bit more when I get back from work. I've been revelling in the feeling of having the place to myself today and I've put the writing off for a bit longer than I had intended. I'll write as much as I can, but I also have to get my lunch ready. :) Mom got called in to work at her old job temporarily - covering for a lady on holidays. She readily agreed because she is on a limited income and regrets how much she's been tapping into her savings. We've been eating out a bit too much. Partially because it's convenient at times, partially because it's become a bit of a habit for her over the last couple of years, and partially because I think she doesn't want to come home just yet. She takes a lot of coaxing and bullying to get her out of the apartment ... no matter what the reason is ... and she definitely won't do it on her own. That way lies madness. Trust me, I know. I remember.

I've had my week three weigh-in at the Clinic. Good news, although not as brilliant as I was hoping. See, first week, I lost a stunning 5.3 pounds. Second week, I gained most of that back. This week, I know I lost some. I was told that from my starting weight, I'm still down two pounds. Well, that's something. I'm also back on the pill. Maybe not a good choice to do these at the same time, but there you go. Despite the pill though, I missed my period. My weight consultant is showing a bit of concern about it. Next week, we'll have a combo visit with her and the Doc together. I'm hoping to get something like a water pill to help me deal with the bloating. It's a bit out of hand.

Other than that, I feel good about my diet and the exercise, which now includes power crunchies. I look in the mirror and I think I see some improvement. Small, minute, but there. Of course, I'm the best there is at fooling myself, but it's positive thinking and I'll take it. Might even run with it ... :) Let me just grab a water bottle.

June 24, 2011 - 14:41

Here I am again for another quick note ... Well, it's better than not writing, right?

Music: Black Velvet - Alannah Myles (I can't NOT dance to it)
Mood: Good
Thought for the Day: Always be yourself. Otherwise you'll spend the rest of your life wondering who you are and who your partner is actually in love with.

So ... I wanted to touch on yesterday's thought for a little bit. I was amazed that thought came out of my head, for one ... and how well it fits into life in general. It's true. Life is so much better when you get the crap out of it, no matter what that crap is. Once it's gone, you feel so much lighter ... mentally, physically. Of course, life abhors a vacuum, so try to keep an eye out for what you are replacing that crap with. If you are lucky, it will fill itself with positive stuff ... it does happen sometimes ...

Speaking of cleaning things up ... I got the idea that my space/room was subconsciously reflecting the chaos that I thought my life was becoming. So I've been working on slowly cleaning it up. A bit here, a bit there. and I have been slowly climbing out of the noize in my head. (Yes, it's spelled that way on purpose, so there!) My personal time while Mom is working has been helping quite a bit too. there's something very relaxing about not constantly being on guard, even in your own home. I can walk around in my underwear, if I choose.  I don't have somebody telling me that I'm fat, my butt is big, or that my hair is dirty/messy/etc. I don't get pulled out of my thoughts with somebody telling me that I really should get that mole on my chin removed.

Yes, this is my mother ... to be fair, she has to put up with my mood swings, but I certainly don't return the "compliments". We're going to have a chat soon. I tried to tell her before, but she doesn't understand. Maybe I was too vague.

Lots of exciting things going on with PartyLite right now. I'm dizzy with it all, and worried about overwhelming my customers/potential customers. I haven't had a sale since ... February? March? I don't recall. There was still snow on the ground. Everybody thinks that I am doing well though ... its kind of sad that I am not getting ANY sales. I don't know what exactly I am doing wrong, but I have great hope in being in the upcoming trade show. I will achieve success there. I know I will. and I'll have to cut back on the night hours ... which won't make me cry at all. don't get me wrong. I love my job, and I really like most of the people that I work with. But I think that the shift work, especially NIGHT shift work, is bad for my health. Other than increasing my sales with PartyLite, I am looking at going back to school ... doing what, I'm not sure. So many interests ... so many skills ... none of them standing out from the other. The challenge will be to find something that I won't get bored with. And, of course, I still have fantasies of motherhood ... I must make my child proud and set a good example. Eventually.

Sweet Dreams!

The Annual Birthday Entry

June 7, 2011 - 21:32

Music: Everywhere ~ Michelle Branch
Mood: ... Neutral ...
Thought for the Day: "You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life." ~ Winston Churchill

     I was putting this off until later in the evening because I was hoping that I would actually get more immediate family remembering. well, they've had their chance. Definitely hurt that I was forgotten like that. And what's up with those that were talking with Mom on the phone and tried to pass on good wishes through her instead of talking to me themselves? That's not sincere. Especially the one Aunt who said something on FB ... but has me blocked, so I can't see it. Smart. Thanks. Very sincere. So it the bird I just flipped you.

      Anyway, it was a good day in that nothing bad happened ... but disappointing all the same. No presents. No cards. No boyfriend ... *sigh* My Dad once told me that I was too old for presents (I was 18), but I think there is no age limit on the joy one gets from a small bit of thoughtfulness. Next he'll be telling me that I'm too old for Christmas. Pfft.

      Don't get me wrong though. It wasn't a complete bust. Lavender sent me many, many, many messages and an e-card, and text, and called me. LOL! <3 We talked on the phone for about 2 hours. Mom took me out for supper and destroyed my diet with a birthday sundae. Fortunately, my sanity was saved by the fact that NONE of the staff knew how to sing the birthday songs. So, once again, I escaped embarrassment. Mwahaha ...

      Anyway! Enough of that. I have exciting news! Some of you already know that I began going to a weight clinic recommended by my doctor. It's been 1 week already, and I've lost 5.3 POUNDS! And I wasn't even exercising. (Well, once, but that can't be helpful.) Anyway, I'll be putting more effort into it because I can't expect results like that all the time, but what a great start! WHEEEEEEEEE!!!! I feel so much better already!

     Now, if only I could do something about my skin. Perhaps I should tease the Green Man about being contagious. ;) (Lady Bright, that was a stupid argument Jade had when he was drunk.)

     So much has gone on lately that I've wanted to share here, but haven't had the time or the energy ... Now I can't recall it all. Tsk ...

      I'm going to make more of an effort to write regularly. It's good for me. I'm also going to start writing some small pieces ... stuff that may or may not turn into something. I've been writing in my head again and some of it is good, but it won't DO good for anyone in my head. Things have a habit of getting misfiled ... :)

Music: P.O. Box 9847 (hee hee) This reminds me ... I should look over my resolutions ...

My 2011 Resolutions ...

1. To get a handle on my T-shirt addiction, and improve my wardrobe. I'm going to try and get away from the full time jeans/t-shirt look.
2. I'm going to be financially stable, if not comfortable. (Independently wealthy would be nice, but ... baby steps ... baby steps ...)
3. Lose weight/tone up/be a little healthier
4. Find Love. That Somebody who wants Me and wants me to want Him back.
5. Be Happy.

Let's see ...
1) I haven't purchased any new t-shirts, but I have picked up a few nice tops. Nothing major in the way of changes yet though. This will take time and may have to wait for Christmas.
2) My term deposit is doing well. Passed the halfway mark already. I've got money in savings, if not in my chequing, but I consider that to be comfortable. Or damn close to it. I don't consider this one done yet, but I'm very, very close.
3) A good start has finally been made. The goal is no longer hazy, but not yet achieved.
4) Maybe? Time will tell.
5) Working on it!

Well, I better get my butt down to the gym. then i can come up and relax some more. :)

Happy Birthday to me,
Happy Birthday to me,
Happy Birthday, Dear Me,
Happy Birthday to Me ...

Sweet Dreams!

Lost That Lovin' Feelin'?

May 10, 2011 - 03:20

Music: Monty Python clip - Burn the Witch
Mood: Tired, restless, and calm ... WTD am I on?!?
Thought for the Day:  “What you are is what you have been. What you’ll be is what you do now." ~Buddha

     I can't escape the feeling that my entries are not what they once were. I used to have a nice flowing style of conversation going. Now it just feels like I am reporting. Perhaps this is because I've been getting out more. Am more involved with people than I once was. Perhaps this is a good thing. Perhaps.

     I seem to be re-discovering my sense of purpose. Or perhaps that should read, finding my focus. For the longest while I've just been coasting ... allowing the personal indignities to build up to a point where I finally made myself do something. For example, my PartyLite. I've been mostly resting on my laurels, depending on minimal effort and on-line options. Now this is stupid. Especially since I rarely see anything from the on-line side of my business. So I finally got my butt in gear. I inventoried my stock closet and priced it out. It's now floating around FB (I've lost all my contacts through e-mail) and I've made $200 so far. Barely made a dent in my closet, which stuns my Mom. I am doing my best to keep it in the public eye on FB ... If I don't get any more nibbles soon, I'll make a poster and hang it in the building at the entrances.

     Tonight, I finally printed up some labels and made up some Tealight Business cards. Haven't made any of those in ages ... maybe tomorrow I'll get around to making those votive roses while I'm on a roll. :)

It could happen.

Mom is starting to talk abut how we both need to lose weight. Maybe that's how she need to boost herself to do something about it. Maybe she's hoping that I'll take charge. I don't know, but she's making me feel like crap by (almost) constantly telling me that I'm fat. And I don't mean innuendo either. She freely tells me that I am over-weight, and need to lose some pounds. For some reason, she seems to think that I am going around thinking that I am a size 10. Well, I'm not. I know I'm not. I'm a 12. So there. Today, she declared that "we" drink too much pop. What? I'm down to 1 can or less a day, lady. The only time I drink more is when I'm home all day. And even then, I don't go all gung-ho over it. I still have rules to follow, after all. Take that "we" and shove it. Really. Get off your ass, and do something more than re-arrange the furniture. Save a few dollars by substituting your diet caffeine-free soda with iced tea or something. Grrr ...

Anyway, I should get to bed. Gotta get up to work out tomorrow. I promised myself. I meant to start today, but Mom had errands that she had to do ... which meant that I needed to drive. This is going to be a very long year. Still, she's better than others to live with.

Sweet Dreams!

Happy Mother's Day!

May 8, 2011 - 23:42

Music: Karma Chameleon - Culture Club (even Mom is singing!)
Mood: Tired, but very uplifted.

Been on a happy high since last night. I was all ready to ride out the weekend with just Spot for cuddles ... when  I got a text at work. A few texts later, I was glowing ... and it was noticeable to others. :) Needless to say, my plans to karaoke that night were kaiboshed. LOL! You don't really want the details ... ;) Let's just say that it was a very happy surprise, and I was still glowing the next day. :) Such a lovely Mother's Day surprise.

The night was too short though as he had to be up early ... but he'll be back.

Music: Some Say I'm Running - Martina McBride
Time After Time - Cyndi Lauper
Pinch Me - Barenaked Ladies

Lots of music tonight that seems to fit my mood. I wonder how much of that is my own interpretation ...

Anyway, a few things to go over. I've been smart. I'm making a list of things that come to me that I feel the need to write about. that way, I don't keep my imaginary entries completely to myself. :) Let's see ...

Had some company, at last! Greywhistle finally stopped by to visit. I tried to get him to stay to supper, but apparently my mother's cooking scared him off. :) He talked about coming back with some D&D stuff to show me, but that turned out to be just a tease. *sigh* I'm so tortured. I must continue to play Pool of Radiance yet again. I suppose that there are worse things. : / Can't think of any right now ...

Furniture ... Mom has rearranged the furniture in the living room. the chairs all face each other ... but none face the TV. Very awkward, all around. We're discussing changes ...

Mom has been determined to freeze the rest of us out. She has he window open in her bedroom all the time, which is fine, but at night it still gets chilly ... and the rest of us are feeling the nip. It's pretty bad when her cat comes out tot sit with me to warm up for a bit before going back to sleep in her room. Sad indeed, since the little white rat has managed to pee on my bed three times in the last month. I was so frustrated (especially after the "repaired" shower tried to scour my skin off) that I just sat down and cried. His behaviour mystifies me. Really, it does.

I'm getting notes from Lavender again. <3 She's been having a lot of troubles medically and I hope that she gets better soon. I want to go for walks with her again.

Speaking of exercise ... I keep saying that I will start my schedule again. I had a good start before I got sick. It's time to do something about it again. I need to get into the habit. I'm trying to get Mom to come down with me too. Exercise benefits aside, it gets her out of the apartment for a bit.

My PartyLite sale is going well. The Pre-Summer sale isn't doing as well, but that's never been where I get my response anyway. I almost never get orders on-line, and I don't know why. You'd think it would be more popular. Catalogues have been disappearing when I put them out ... we'll see. I need to get working on my business cards and my votive roses ...

Well, I should get to bed. My second wind is starting to sputter ... at the very least, I should go watch TV, or read a bit. That's my quiet time.

Sweet Dreams!

Various Snatches of Catch Up

April 27, 2011 - 03:31

Music: Love Song for a Vampire - Annie Lennox
Mood: Tired, restless, and almost head achey. Frustrated that there seems to be so much still left to do.

So I seem to be stuck on the once a month updates ... Sort of. Hopefully that will change soon. Just hard to find the peace that  I need to write. But that could be getting better. The urge to write, the inspiration has been improving ... I just need to deal with the distractions. Too many ends ... and I want them all. Maybe this is why most writers seem to be recluses with very few around to make sure their needs are tended. It makes more sense now. All I need to achieve this ... is win the lottery. Ah, well, this is what makes me a suffering artist, right?

Music: Love Before Time - Coco Lee (English)

So much to catch up on and I've forgotten most of it already. LOL! Figures ...

Let's see, then ... I flew out to Victoria to drive Mom back. Stopped by Pender to see a few friends and to pick up my things ... only to leave with practically none of it. Nameless has a lot to answer for. I won't go into it now, 'cause I have bad dreams when I go to bed angry. But I will say this. She's been "divorced" from my life. I refuse to acknowledge her as family anymore. Between Mom and myself, she owes us about $2000. We'll never see it, nor will we ever get closure for the trauma that she put us through.

Getting a bad tummy ... time to calm down. Maybe this is a sign that my period will be on time this month. that will be a change from the 6 week wait, and then a 7 week wait the last couple of months. Yes, an on time period is a happy thought ... and at my age, it's not just for the usual reason.

BUBBLES!! :)

Surprised Mom on Easter morning! Made much easier, of course, by the night hours my job keeps me in ... I got home at 02:00. Put a couple baskets together, plonked them down on our chairs in the living room and went to sleep about 3. Was then woken up about 8 ... Mom had found her basket and was so excited ... LOL! One of the items in the basket was coloured bubbles ... thankfully, they are washable, because it a breezy on the balcony and Mom has forgotten how to blow bubbles (horrors) so it was a bit messy. More fun that way though, I think. She had a blast.

On the rough side, Simon is starting to pee on everything. Mom is worried about an infection. Personally,  I think he does it to demand attention. Ah, well, my bedroom door stays shut so it's Mom's worry. She'll deal with it as she sees fit. I can't be the adult all the time.

If you have the chance to get your hands on a pumice stone, I recommend it. I have such pretty feet now. :)

My casual diet was seriously interrupted by Easter. Had a rough spot that I answered with Barq's, instead of water ... not helping. But I've caught myself now ... back to getting healthier. More water. No pop at work. At all. (Not helped by the chocolate going around, but it's a step in the right direction again.) I've started new vitamins ... and I know they are working already ... mostly because I've already reacted. And my pee glows in the dark now too. LOL! Too much info? Nah ...

Now that I have a vehicle to work with, some things have gotten easier. Like transport for work. Groceries and errands. Speaking of errands, I finally got that final Hostess product to Lavender. Her Beltane present was tucked inside it, so  I hope she finds it in time. She was away on a trip with her hubby, so her Dad informed me that she would be back soon. He didn't find it odd that I dropped by out of the blue, but then I don't know that he would. :) It's been completely silent on her end since that post. I even texted Easter wishes. Ah, well. If that's how it's going to play out, then she can play it alone. I will not apologise for being me.

Going to focus on making lunches for work, instead of buying supper each shift. Amazing how boring the food gets in a short span of time. Especially as there's only so much I can order that I can eat in 20 minutes. Rushing is making me fat. So, now more. Going to focus on sandwiches and left overs.

Speaking of focus, I should get to bed ... after I finish folding the laundry from this afternoon, which is effectively hiding the bed. I'm not above crawling under it all, mind you, but that's just lazy, and I'm trying not to do that.

Bed time!
Sweet Dreams!

Music: Could I Be Your Girl? - Jan Arden